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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
|
Based on my clinical research since 1979, This
article proposes key questions about stepfami-lies that average
adults and their
supporters need to research. |
These Q&A items assume you're familiar with..
.If you're a media professional, please see
this.
Questions you
should ask about
stepfamilies
1) What is a
stepfamily? What is a
nuclear stepfamily?
2) Is it OK to call a
stepfamily a "blended family" or
some other non-step label?
3) How are typical stepfamilies
like (intact) biofamilies?
4)
How are they
different, and what do these differences
mean?
5)
What are the
benefits of being
in a (high-nurturance) stepfamily?
6)
Are typical stepfamilies "as good as" intact
biofamilies?
7)
Why is it vital that (a) members accept their
as a stepfamily (vs. "We're just a
family"), and learn what that identity usually
and (b) how
can you tell if someone has accepted their step-identity?
8) What are the most common
myths about typical
stepfamilies, and what are the realities?
9)
Who belongs to a
multi-home
stepfamily?
10) If a divorcing parent re/marries,
is their ex mate a member of their stepfamily?
11)
What
are the most common stepfamily
and problems?
12)
What should we know about
stepfamilies before we commit to forming or joining one?
13)
Are there different
kinds of
stepfamilies?
14)
Do most clergy, counselors,
lawyers, and educators get adequate stepfamily training?
How can we pick an effective stepfamily coach or
counselor?
15) What are
and
loyalty
conflicts and relationship
how do they
relate to each other, and why are they important
in typical stepfamilies?
16) How can we
recognize credible, practical stepfamily advice
and publications, and what stepfamily
books and other
resources do you recommend?
17) Are we still a stepfamily
if...
-
the youngest stepchild moves out?
Yes.
-
a stepchild's other bioparent
is dead? Yes.
-
I legally
adopt my partner's child/ren?
Yes.
-
both remarried partners
have prior children? Yes.
-
a stepparent and their mate
conceive a child together?
Yes.
-
all our prior kids are
adults?
Yes.
-
some
"authority" disputes these
answers? Yes.
18) What's
different about
roles and relationships in typical divorcing families and stepfami-
lies, compared to those in
intact (bio)families?
19) What is
effective co-parenting after parental separation and divorce?
20) How can
conflicted divorcing parents
improve their relationship?
21) Should
typical stepfamily members
expect to love each other like (healthy) genetic
relatives do?
NO.
22)
What are
the most common problems
between adults
in average divorcing families and
stepfamilies, and what causes them?
23) Why
are
many stepfamily relationships significantly
stressful,
and what can reduce
such stress?
24) I'm less interested in nurturing a certain
stepfamily relationship than the other person is, and I feel
guilty. What are my options?
25) Some
members of my
stepfamily seem cool and distant to me, despite my
friendship
overtures.
What are my options?
For more perspective, see (a) these Q&A articles on
courtship,
marriage,
ex mates, steppar-enting,
stepkids, and
stepsiblings; and (b) these
solutions to common surface stepfamily-relationship
problems.
If
you don't see your question here, please
ask!
|
Pause and reflect - how many typical courting couples do you think would seriously
research questions like these before making long-term
stepfamily commitments? My professional experience since 1979 is - under
10%. |
Q1) What is a
stepfamily? What is a
nuclear stepfamily?
A family may be defined as
"two or more people sharing common bonds, goals, interests, and per-haps genes
and ancestries." A biofamily is two or more adults and/or
kids who share common genes, (usually) last names, (usually) dwellings, and
ancestries.
A stepfamily is an ancient kind of
normal social group in which one adult mate nurtures one or more kids her or his
partner conceived with another person. The titles for their reciprocal family
are step-parent and
stepchild. The prefix "step-"
comes to us over 1,000 years from the middle-English root stoep-, which
meant "not related by blood (genes)."
Orphans and stepparents were common in (and long before) William the Conqueror's days because
of disease, ignorance, war, and unprotected intercourse. Stepfamilies have
probably been the global norm for thousands of years until
advances in medicine, law, sanitation, and political stability in the last several centuries.
From ancestral and social
stepfamilies in our Era are often viewed as nontraditional
and inferior. Because of this undeserved bias, many co-parents, kin, and
stepkids deny their stepfamily
identity, causing
unrealistic expectations
and significant
stress.
top
Q2) Is it OK to call a
stepfamily a "blended family" or
some other label?
Technically, a
blended or "complex" stepfamily is one in which each mate has kids from a prior union, so
each partner is a bioparent and a stepparent.
Many people associate the prefix "step-" with
inferior, weird, abnormal, failure, second
best, and un-natural. (Do you?) Our unaware
media encourages this.
To avoid these uncomfortable associations, lay and
professional people use "family" adjectives like bi-nuclear,
co-, blended, bonus, reconstituted, non-traditional, special, reconstructed,
second, rem(arried), and serial
instead of "step-.".
Using
such "feel-good" labels risks...
using unrealistic (biofamily) expectations
about stepfamily
norms,
dynamics,
and relationships;
making up to
unwise courtship
commitment-decisions; and...
spreading the toxic delusion that
stepfamilies are abnormal, inferior, and deficient compared to intact biofamilies.
These factors combine to promote legal and psychological re/divorce and
false-self wounds to the next generation.
I have repeatedly observed that
avoiding "step-" titles and labels
usually indicates significant psychological
and harmful
top
Q3) How are typical stepfamilies
like (intact) biofamilies?
Just as males and females
are the same in some ways (e.g. they both have ears) and different in others,
typical stepfamilies and intact biofamilies have
and
over 60 differences. If
stepfamily adults and supporters only focus on the similarities
and don't learn the differences and what they
- they risk using inappropriate biofamily-based
and relationship expectations as they
try to
their several
multi-generational biofamilies.
So co-parents
need to separate these similarities from the
many structural and
dynamic differences (Q4 below) about multi-home stepfamilies,
learn and apply realistic expectations,
and educate their kids, kin, and
supporters. Lesson 7
and the related guidebooks will
help you do this.
top
Q4) How are
stepfamilies different, and what do these differences
mean?
Typical
stepfamilies differ from
average intact biofamilies in two major ways. Can you name them?
-
Stepfamily
are "built" differently than biofamilies in
35 ways (!) These
structural differences and the unique way stepfamilies begin (after death
or divorce) also cause...
-
extra
developmental stages and up to 30
unique
adjustment-tasks. Can you name at least 10 of them?
Co-parents who are aware of
most of these ~60 differences and what they
are most
likely to share realistic expectations, and teach them to others.
Self-study Lesson 7 focuses on learning
and discussing these similarities and differences, what it
means to be in a stepfamily, and
what
their adults and kids can expect as they
slowly
and stabilize their several biofamilies over four or more years after
committing and cohabiting.
Consider investing in the unique
guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2002) for practical
information and suggestions before or after
exchanging vows.
top
Q6) Are typical stepfamilies "as good as" intact
biofamilies?
What is a good apple tree? A good armadillo? A
good family? Premise: families exist to fill the
needs of their members, so
"good" (functional,
high-nurturance) families
fill most members' needs well enough, most of the time.
From this view, "Are
stepfamilies as good as biofamilies?" really asks "Can typical stepfamilies
fill their members' needs as well as typical intact biofamilies?" There is no
inherent structural or social reason they can't. However, because of
widespread unawareness of
and what to
about them,
many stepfamily kids and adults don't
get their normal developmental and unique
adjustment needs met well enough.
Perspective: if it's true that
over half of U.S. first-marriages divorce psychologically
or legally, most biofamilies aren't "as good as" high-nurturance families of any sort. The
point is -
motivated adults in any family can learn to
identify
and fill their
and their kids' needs well enough, often enough. Typical
and
adults
have more to learn (Q12 below) and
more tasks to master to accomplish that vital goal, over many
years.
top
Q9)
Who belongs to a
multi-home
How would you describe what belonging to a group means? Not belonging?
At the least, belonging means an adult or child feels known, accepted, and
(ideally) valued for who they are, and what they bring to other members.
Belonging can mean
that other family members...
-
have formed some degree of genuine
with
you (weak > strong), and merit you bonding with them to some degree. You
and they may or may not like each other, and members...
-
expect
certain attitudes, values (like loyalty and respect), and behaviors from
you, and...
-
are dutifully or genuinely
concerned about your feelings, needs, opinions, and welfare, compared to non-members.
Other family members spontaneously want to include you in normal rituals
and special events, and miss
you when you're absent more than non-members. Belonging can also mean feeling part of,
pride in, and
loyalty to, an ancestral chain, clan, and culture - e.g. "I have Scotch,
German, and Iroquois roots."
From this perspective, any adult or child who doesn't feel the things above -
or doesn't want them - is not a stepfamily
Most members of newly-merging biofamilies have never met, and
have few shared experiences from which to form genuine (vs. polite) new bonds.
Typical stepfamily members
can feel obliged to include each other in celebrations and gatherings when they
really don't know or care much about each other. If chronic, such
pretenses (a) breed
anxieties, distrusts, guilts, avoidances, confusion, and superficial relationships;
and (b) suggest
adults
and a
family.
This can cause "pseudo" membership, where people fake caring and closeness
from politeness, duty (custom), and wanting to appear "normal" and
"sociable" (like happy biofamily members). Kids and ex
mates who resent or fear the losses
(broken bonds) that a re/marriage and/or cohabiting and merger may bring can reject
membership (inclusion) even if it's genuinely offered.
Further,
stepfamily members vary in their degrees of caring and interest in each other,
so "mem-bership" is
subjective. It changes over time, and ranges from "none" to "full"
depending on who's judging, what they need, and what criteria they use.
The
(be noticed, accepted, valued, and supported) is primal, with roots in
infancy.
will help adults accept and understand their stepfamily
and agree on
top
Q10)
If a divorced parent re/marries,
is their ex mate a member of their stepfamily?
YES! Many stepfamily mates, relatives, and supporters
deny that ex mate/s are full members of their multi-home stepfamily (exclusion).
Conversely, some ex mates imply or declare they
don't want to be members
of the new stepfamily (rejection).
Family-membership exclusion and rejection
usually cause significant stress for
all adults and kids, long-term. Like it or not,
bioparents are bound together
genetically, legally,
historically, finan-cially, and psychologically, until the last of their common
children dies - so yes, they
are full stepfamily members.
Stepfamily-membership exclusion and/or rejection is strong evidence of false-self
+
+ adult stepfamily
+ (often)
Exclusion and
rejection usually confuse (stress) most minor and grown stepkids, who
automatically include both bio-parents in "my family" no matter what anyone
says. Both views promote escalating
divisive relationship
and many
secondary problems.
See
this article for more perspective.
top
Q12)
What should we know about
stepfamilies before we commit to forming or joining one?
To make three wise
decisions on whether to form or join a
complex, risky
or not,
typical courting co-parents need
to work patiently together for many months at these seven crucial
