Lesson 7 of 8 - evolve and enjoy a high-nurturance stepfamily

Q&A About Stepfamilies
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What You Need to Know

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/qa.htm

        Links in this article and series will open a new browser window or an informational popup - so please turn off your browser's popup blocker, or accept popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Based on my clinical research since 1979, This article proposes key questions about stepfami-lies that average adults and their supporters need to research.

        These Q&A items assume you're familiar with..

  • the intro to this nonprofit Website, and the premises underlying it.

  • self-study Lessons 1 thru 7,

  • these Q&A items about relationships,

  • this example of a real stepfamily

.If you're a media professional, please see this.

  Questions you should ask about stepfamilies

1)  What is a stepfamily? What is a nuclear stepfamily?

2)  Is it OK to call a stepfamily a "blended family" or some other non-step label?

3)  How are typical stepfamilies like (intact) biofamilies?

4How are they different, and what do these differences mean?

5What are the benefits of being in a (high-nurturance) stepfamily?

6Are typical stepfamilies "as good as" intact biofamilies?

7Why is it vital that (a) members accept their identity as a stepfamily (vs. "We're just a family"), and learn what that identity usually means; and (b) how can you tell if someone has accepted their step-identity?

8)  What are the most common myths about typical stepfamilies, and what are the realities?

9Who belongs to a multi-home stepfamily? 

10)  If a divorcing parent re/marries, is their ex mate a member of their stepfamily?

11What are the most common stepfamily stressors and problems?

12)  What should we know about stepfamilies before we commit to forming or joining one?

13Are there different kinds of stepfamilies?

14Do most clergy, counselors, lawyers, and educators get adequate stepfamily training? How can we pick an effective stepfamily coach or counselor?

15)  What are values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles, how do they relate to each other, and why are they important in typical stepfamilies?

16)  How can we recognize credible, practical stepfamily advice and publications, and what stepfamily books and other resources do you recommend?

17)  Are we still a stepfamily if...

  • the youngest stepchild moves out? Yes.

  • a stepchild's other bioparent is dead? Yes.

  • I legally adopt my partner's child/ren? Yes.

  • both remarried partners have prior children? Yes.

  • a stepparent and their mate conceive a child together? Yes.

  • all our prior kids are adults? Yes.

  • some "authority" disputes these answers? Yes.

18)  What's different about roles and relationships in typical divorcing families and stepfami-
       lies, compared to those in intact (bio)families?

19)  What is effective co-parenting after parental separation and divorce?

20)  How can conflicted divorcing parents improve their relationship?

21)  Should typical stepfamily members expect to love each other like (healthy) genetic
       relatives do? NO.

22)  What are the most common problems between adults in average divorcing families and
       stepfamilies, and what causes them?

23)  Why are many stepfamily relationships significantly stressful, and what can reduce
       such stress?

24)  I'm less interested in nurturing a certain stepfamily relationship than the other person is,        and I feel guilty. What are my options?

25)  Some members of my stepfamily seem cool and distant to me, despite my friendship
       overtures. What are my options?

        For more perspective, see (a) these Q&A articles on courtship, marriage, ex mates, steppar-enting, stepkids, and stepsiblings; and (b) these solutions to common surface stepfamily-relationship problems. 

 If you don't see your question here, please ask!

        Pause and reflect - how many typical courting couples do you think would seriously research questions like these before making long-term stepfamily commitments? My professional experience since 1979 is - under 10%.


Q
1)  What is a stepfamily? What is a nuclear stepfamily?

        A family may be defined as "two or more people sharing common bonds, goals, interests, and per-haps genes and ancestries." A biofamily is two or more adults and/or kids who share common genes, (usually) last names, (usually) dwellings, and ancestries.

        A stepfamily is an ancient kind of normal social group in which one adult mate nurtures one or more kids her or his partner conceived with another person. The titles for their reciprocal family roles are step-parent and stepchild. The prefix "step-" comes to us over 1,000 years from the middle-English root stoep-, which meant "not related by blood (genes)."

        Orphans and stepparents were common in (and long before) William the Conqueror's days because of disease, ignorance, war, and unprotected intercourse. Stepfamilies have probably been the global norm for thousands of years until advances in medicine, law, sanitation, and political stability in the last several centuries.

        From ancestral and social unawareness, stepfamilies in our Era are often viewed as nontraditional and inferior. Because of this undeserved bias, many co-parents, kin, and stepkids deny their stepfamily identity, causing unrealistic expectations and significant stress.

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Q2)  Is it OK to call a stepfamily a "blended family" or some other label?

        Technically, a blended or "complex" stepfamily is one in which each mate has kids from a prior union, so each partner is a bioparent and a stepparent.

        Many people associate the prefix "step-" with inferior, weird, abnormal, failure, second best, and un-natural. (Do you?) Our unaware media encourages this. To avoid these uncomfortable associations, lay and professional people use "family" adjectives like bi-nuclear, co-, blended, bonus, reconstituted, non-traditional, special, reconstructed, second, rem(arried), and serial instead of "step-.".

        Using such "feel-good" labels risks...

using unrealistic (biofamily) expectations about stepfamily norms, roles, dynamics, and relationships;

making up to three unwise courtship commitment-decisions; and...

spreading the toxic delusion that stepfamilies are abnormal, inferior, and deficient compared to intact biofamilies.

        These factors combine to promote legal and psychological re/divorce and passing on false-self wounds to the next generation. I have repeatedly observed that avoiding "step-" titles and labels usually indicates significant psychological wounds and harmful unawareness.

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Q3)  How are typical stepfamilies like (intact) biofamilies?

        Just as males and females are the same in some ways (e.g. they both have ears) and different in others, typical stepfamilies and intact biofamilies have similarities and over 60 differences. If stepfamily adults and supporters only focus on the similarities and don't learn the differences and what they mean - they risk using inappropriate biofamily-based role and relationship expectations as they try to merge their several multi-generational biofamilies.

        So co-parents need to separate these similarities from the many structural and dynamic differences (Q4 below) about multi-home stepfamilies, learn and apply realistic expectations, and educate their kids, kin, and supporters. Lesson 7 and the related guidebooks will help you do this.

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Q4)  How are stepfamilies different, and what do these differences mean?

        Typical multi-home stepfamilies differ from average intact biofamilies in two major ways. Can you name them?

  • Stepfamily systems are "built" differently than biofamilies in 35 ways (!) These structural differences and the unique way stepfamilies begin (after death or divorce) also cause...

  • extra developmental stages and up to 30 unique adjustment-tasks. Can you name at least 10 of them?

          Co-parents who are aware of most of these ~60 differences and what they mean are most likely to share realistic expectations, and teach them to others. Self-study Lesson 7 focuses on learning and discussing these similarities and differences, what it means to be in a stepfamily, and what their adults and kids can expect as they slowly merge and stabilize their several biofamilies over four or more years after committing and cohabiting.

        Consider investing in the unique guidebook Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2002) for practical information and suggestions before or after exchanging vows.

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Q6)  Are typical stepfamilies "as good as" intact biofamilies?

        What is a good apple tree? A good armadillo? A good family? Premise: families exist to fill the needs of their members, so "good" (functional, high-nurturance) families fill most members' needs well enough, most of the time.

        From this view, "Are stepfamilies as good as biofamilies?" really asks "Can typical stepfamilies fill their members' needs as well as typical intact biofamilies?" There is no inherent structural or social reason they can't. However, because of widespread unawareness of five hazards and what to do about them, many stepfamily kids and adults don't get their normal developmental and unique adjustment needs met well enough.

        Perspective: if it's true that over half of U.S. first-marriages divorce psychologically or legally, most biofamilies aren't "as good as" high-nurturance families of any sort. The point is - motivated adults in any family can learn to identify and fill their and their kids' needs well enough, often enough. Typical divorcing-family and stepfamily adults have more to learn (Q12 below) and more tasks to master to accomplish that vital goal, over many years. 

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Q9)  Who belongs to a multi-home stepfamily? 

         How would you describe what belonging to a group means? Not belonging? At the least, belonging means an adult or child feels known, accepted, and (ideally) valued for who they are, and what they bring to other members.

        Belonging can mean that other family members...

  • have formed some degree of genuine bond with you (weak > strong), and merit you bonding with them to some degree. You and they may or may not like each other, and members...

  • expect certain attitudes, values (like loyalty and respect), and behaviors from you, and...

  • are dutifully or genuinely concerned about your feelings, needs, opinions, and welfare, compared to non-members.

        Other family members spontaneously want to include you in normal rituals and special events, and miss you when you're absent more than non-members. Belonging can also mean feeling part of, pride in, and loyalty to, an ancestral chain, clan, and culture - e.g. "I have Scotch, German, and Iroquois roots."

        From this perspective, any adult or child who doesn't feel the things above - or doesn't want them - is not a stepfamily member. Most members of newly-merging biofamilies have never met, and have few shared experiences from which to form genuine (vs. polite) new bonds. 

        Typical stepfamily members can feel obliged to include each other in celebrations and gatherings when they really don't know or care much about each other. If chronic, such pretenses (a) breed anxieties, distrusts, guilts, avoidances, confusion, and superficial relationships; and (b) suggest wounded, unaware adults and a low-nurturance family.

        This can cause "pseudo" membership, where people fake caring and closeness from politeness, duty (custom), and wanting to appear "normal" and "sociable" (like happy biofamily members). Kids and ex mates who resent or fear the losses (broken bonds) that a re/marriage and/or cohabiting and merger may bring can reject membership (inclusion) even if it's genuinely offered.

        Further, stepfamily members vary in their degrees of caring and interest in each other, so "mem-bership" is subjective. It changes over time, and ranges from "none" to "full" depending on who's judging, what they need, and what criteria they use.

        The need to belong (be noticed, accepted, valued, and supported) is primal, with roots in infancy. Lesson 7 will help adults accept and understand their stepfamily identity, and agree on who belongs.

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Q10)  If a divorced parent re/marries, is their ex mate a member of their stepfamily?

        YES! Many stepfamily mates, relatives, and supporters deny that ex mate/s are full members of their multi-home stepfamily (exclusion). Conversely, some ex mates imply or declare they don't want to be members of the new stepfamily (rejection).

        Family-membership exclusion and rejection usually cause significant stress for all adults and kids, long-term. Like it or not, divorcing bioparents are bound together genetically, legally, historically, finan-cially, and psychologically, until the last of their common children dies - so yes, they are full stepfamily members.

        Stepfamily-membership exclusion and/or rejection is strong evidence of false-self wounding + ineffective communication + adult stepfamily unawareness + (often) incomplete grief. Exclusion and rejection usually confuse (stress) most minor and grown stepkids, who automatically include both bio-parents in "my family" no matter what anyone says. Both views promote escalating loyalty conflicts, divisive relationship triangles, and many secondary problems.

          See this article for more perspective.

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Q12)  What should we know about stepfamilies before we commit to forming or joining one?

        To make three wise decisions on whether to form or join a complex, risky stepfamily or not, typical courting co-parents need to work patiently together for many months at these seven crucial Lessons.

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Q13)  Are there different kinds of stepfamilies?

        From one view, there is only one kind of stepfamily: a group of related adults and kids building relationships, filling needs, and helping each other grow through normal life phases.

        Considering combinations of adults' prior parenthood + children's ages, genders, and custody arrang-ements + prior divorces or mate-deaths + other factors, there are over 100 structural types of normal step-family. This guarantees that people in a stepfamily will never meet another one composed like theirs. This can cause a sense of alienation and aloneness that intact-biofamily members seldom feel. This helps to explain why many people ignore, minimize, or reject their stepfamily identity.

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Q14)  Do most clergy, counselors, lawyers, and educators get adequate stepfamily training? How can we pick an effective stepfamily coach or counselor ?

        From researching and working professionally with stepfamilies since 1979, my impression is that schools that train clergy, attorneys, teachers, judges, coaches or counselors, therapists, doctors, social and welfare workers, mediators, and law-enforcement professionals aren't aware yet of the vital need for basic stepfamily training. I suspect related professional standards and licensing organizations aren't either.

        To my knowledge, there are now no U.S. organizations that provide comprehensive stepfamily trai-ning for human-service professionals. The National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC) offers periodic par-tial training. Reality check: ask any family professionals you know if they received any formal education in stepfamily needs, dynamics, norms, and stressors.

         When typical stepfamily adults need factual, empathic professional advice, they often don't know how to evaluate service providers. If they do, they can't find any who know basics like these. This contrib-utes to our unremarked U.S. re/divorce epidemic.

        For specific suggestions on how to pick an effective stepfamily counselor or therapist, see this article.

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"Stepfamily" answers are continued on page 2...

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Updated March 06, 2010