Take your time here, and view this
quiz as a high-return, long-term investment.
As you answer these items,
reflect on how other family adults and supporters would respond to _ each
item and _ taking this quiz.
Check an item only if you can
confidently check each sub-item. To avoid distraction,
Don't follow any links until
you've finished the quiz. Then go back and research each
un-checked item. Take your time - this is like a college course!
Options
-
try answering these
items out loud to someone you trust, or to an imaginary group of high-school
seniors. Otherwise, write out your answers on a separate piece of paper.
-
Consciously avoid vague generalities
("stepfamilies are just more stressful...") and be as specific as you can
["...because they (name explicit reasons)."]
-
identify _ a typical intact biofamily
and _ an existing stepfamily you know, and think of them with each
item below.
-
Journal
your reactions to taking this quiz as you go, or soon after
finishing. Your reactions to these questions are as important as the
answers!
-
If you follow a link, read what's there
and then return here to finish the quiz.
Take heart -
you don't need to
be a Ph.D. to learn the answers here!
Assess Your Stepfamily Knowledge
Foundations
__ 1) Answer all the items in
this quiz about personalities and
psychological wounds (Lesson 1)
__ 2) Answer all the items in
this quiz about bonding, losses, and
grieving (Lesson 3)
__ 3) Answer all the items in
this quiz about healthy relationships
(Lesson 4)
__ 4)
Answer all the items in this
quiz about families (Lesson 5)
__ 5) Answer all the items in
this quiz about effective parenting
(Lesson 6)
__ 6) Describe...
_ the terms
and
_ what a "
is,
_ what a
stepfamily is,
_ what a "blended
family" is,
_ what a
stepparent is,
_ who comprises a "nuclear
stepfamily" and an "extended
stepfamily",
_ the term
and...
_ the moment in time when a
typical stepfamily "begins."
__ 7)
Name
why typical U.S. stepfamilies
experience
significant stresses, are significantly low-nurturance systems, and often
re/divorce psychologically or legally.
Stepfamily Knowledge
__ 8) Describe...
_ the key phases of a
typical stepfamily's developmental cycle,
_ the
three possible outcomes of the cycle,
and...
_ which outcome is most common in America recently,
__ 9) Define...
_ family
_ family role
titles,
_ role
conflicts and _
role strain, and
_ at
least 10 of the ~15
that typical
new stepfamily members must negotiate and agree on.
__ 10) Describe _ a (step)family
and
_ why stepfamily co-parents making and using one is usually more
important than in intact biofamilies.
__ 11)
Name
_ at least 20 of the ~60 common
myths
that lay people and many professionals
believe about stepfamilies, and
_ what their corresponding
realities usually are.
__ 12) Describe why adults ignoring or minimizing their
stepfamily-identity may
promote escalating stress in and between their co-parenting homes.
__ 13) Name at least three
signs that an adult or child has really
accepted their stepfamily identity.
__ 14) Describe _ what
"family
" means, and _ the specific risks of excluding a stepchild's "other (bio)parent" from
full
stepfamily membership.
__ 15) Explain why _ it's
that
typical stepfamily
members will ever meet people in a similarly-structured stepfamily, and
_ what
this usually means to them.
__ 16) Name at least six ways that typical
stepfamilies are
average intact
biofamilies.
__ 17) Name at least 15 of the ~35 ways
average stepfamilies differ structurally
from intact biofamilies;
__ 18) Identify at least 10
of the 16 categories of things average stepfamily adults and kids must begin
when
two co-parents commit to each other and/or cohabit during serious courtship.
__ 19)
Name at least 15 of the ~30
adjustment tasks that typical new-stepfamily adults must
complete, starting in serious courtship.
__ 20)
Name three primary sources of most stepfamily
__
21)
Describe at least three
benefits of belonging to a
stepfamily compared to an intact or divorcing biofamily..
Stepfamily
Courtship
__ 22) Describe _ three phases of
a typical
and
_ why it can take up to 15 or more years for some adults and kids to
fully adjust to personal and family reorganization from divorce.
__ 23)
Name at least 10 common
losses that adults and
kid must grieve from _ biofamily divorce and _ from a bioparent's
choosing a new partner and cohabiting with them.
__ 24) Name at least six ways
stepfamily courtship
differs from traditional dating between two never-married partners.
__ 25)
Name at least eight traits
of the right partner to re/commit to. The
"/" notes that it may be a
stepparent's first union.
__ 26)
Name at least five of the
right reasons to re/commit and form or
join a stepfamily.
__ 27)
Name at least eight indicators
it's the right time to re/commit and form or
join a stepfamily.
__ 28)
Name at least six
stepfamily-courtship
danger signs.
Pause, breathe, and reflect
- what are you thinking and feeling, so far? Do you need a break
before finishing the the quiz?
Co-parenting
__ 29)
Name the three or four sets of
adjustment needs that typical minor and
grown stepkids must fill over time with
adult help;
__ 30)
_ Define
and
_ describe at least 20 of the~ 40 common
environmental differences between
"stepparenting" and "traditional bioparenting."
__ 31) Describe _ a co-parent
and _ why co-parents
negotiating and using them is
more important in
typical stepfamilies than in intact biofamilies.
__ 32) Describe specific
examples of...
_ a
(priority)
conflict,
_ a
and...
_ a
and
then...
...explain
_ why each of these stress typical
family and stepfamily adults and kids,
and _ how
co-parents can resolve each of them effectively.
__ 33) Explain the paradox that
bioparents wanting to rank their dependent kids' needs
in typical stepfamily conflicts
really puts them first, over time.
__ 34)
Describe
_ at least five of the
nine typical
to co-parenting cooperation between ex mates, stepparents, and key
relatives; and _ what these adults must do to reduce these barriers
for their kids' sakes.
__ 35) Describe at least four of
the requisites
for an effective
parenting agreement between divorcing bioparents.
__ 36) Describe _ what a "successful child
visitation" is, and _ at least
five
reasons why they are hard to achieve in
many stepfamilies.
__ 37) Define _effective
child discipline, and _ at least 10
differences between
intact-biofamily discipline and child discipline in typical stepfamilies.
__ 38) Describe why
divorcing parents'
resorting to legal force to "win"
disputes over child support, visitation, or custody is always a lose-lose-lose choice long term.
__ 39) Describe _ at least three
things that stress typical
co-grandparents in a stepfamily, and _ key options for reducing each of them.
Stepfamily
Support
__ 40) _ Define "effective stepfamily
support," and _ explain
three reasons
why most stepfamily adults
don't
seek or use it appropriately.
__ 41)
Describe how to choose an effective stepfamily
counselor or therapist.
__
42) Describe key criteria for
evaluating written and verbal stepfamily advice.
__ 43)
Describe how to judge whether
stepfamily
books or Web sites are useful or not.
Premise -
informed or qualified stepfamily supporters
know most of these items. If you have used, or are
using, professional
help for your stepfamily (counselors, therapists, attorneys, mediators, clergy, and/or
coaches), how would they do on this quiz? How
would each of your relatives do? Your stepkids' other
biopar-ent/s?
Now compare how you feel about your stepfamily-knowledge level
to what you thought before taking this quiz...
Do you better understand my proposal that most (step)family
adults and
supporters "don't know what they don't know"? Their unawareness
+ and psychological
promote these
and potential (re)divorce.
If you patiently study Lessons
1 thru 7 here, you should be able to answer these quiz items.
Then you're
really read to grow and enjoy high-nurturance stepfamily
relationships - IF your true co-parents' true Selves are free to
you
each! You're also ready to protect your
descendents from inheriting the lethal [wounds+ unawareness]
Feedback please - anonymous 1-question
Now What?
Consider options like these:
If you skipped some links, go back
and follow any of interest when you're undistracted.
If you want to ask other people to take and discuss this
quiz, (a) who are they, and (b)
why do you want
them to do this?
On a scale of 1 (little motivation)
to 10 (highly motivated), how motivated are you now to spend significant
time studying the answers to these quiz items? ___ Doing this with one or
more people (like your mate) can be more interesting, and probably more productive!
If
you're (ever) in a co-parent support group,
consider using these
as a framework for weekly
discussion topics and "homework." See
this for more options.
If you haven't yet, scan these
Questions
Co-parents Should Ask. They summarize and link to specific answers to most of the
items in these quizzes.
Study these useful
terms and phrases about families and
relationships, teach them to others, and use them to improve your
thinking and communication
Use the
quiz items
above as a
framework for educating your
children and relatives about your stepfamily. They don't know what they need to
know, and probably have confusions and misconceptions they can't articulate.
Give a copy of this quiz
to your kids' teacher/s and school counselors and
coaches. They probably have many stepkids in their classrooms and
offices, and maybe in their homes.
If you're a human-service
professional, see ths article. If you're a media professional,
see
this.
If
a
protective
dominates your
you'll probably minimize or ignore your quiz results and
these options, or
acting on them
- and
justify or
this as "OK."
Recap
The purpose of this quiz is to alert stepfamily
members and supporters to the vital need for edu-cation. Inability to
answer these items is part of the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
that
pro-motes family dysfunction and our unremarked U.S. divorce epidemic
self-improvement
Lesson 7 here provides accur-ate information to help answer these quiz
items, based on my
33 years' clinical research
and experience.
The Web
address of this quiz is http://sfhelp.org/sf/quiz7.htm