• site intro > course overview > Lesson 7 study guide or links, site search, chat, or other page  > here

The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/spsc/qa_sc.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your brow-ser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        This article assumes you're familiar with....
 

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it self-study Lessons 1 thru 7  typical stepkids' adjustment needs stepparent - stepchild basics perspective on effective stepparenting answers to questions about stepparenting and stepsiblings

        This article suggests questions stepfamily adults and supporters should research about the kids in their stepfamily. Typical stepfamily adults and their supporters don't know what they need to know about (a) their kids' normal and special needs, and (b) how to fill them effectively.

        Stepfamily adults' basic responsibility is to work together to guard against five hazards and evolve a high-nurturance environment for everyone, by patiently studying and applying these 7 self-study Lessons. Are your adults doing that yet?

        Links below lead to brief answers to each question, and to articles with more detail. These answers are based on my 28 years' clinical research, work with members of over 500 typical Midwestern-U.S. stepfamilies, and my own experience as a stepdad and adult stepchild.

        I suggest you scan all the questions before following any links.

 Questions You Should Ask about Stepchildren

1)  Do (a) typical children of divorce and (b) kids raised in stepfamilies "turn out" as well as
     kids growing up in intact biofamilies?

2)  Do typical stepkids have special needs, compared to intact-biofamily kids?

3)  Can typical stepchildren learn to love a stepmother or stepfather like a bioparent?

4)  Is there a best time for a minor child's bioparent to start dating? To re/marry?

5)  Why do some stepkids reject the nicest stepparents and/or step-relatives? Who's
     responsible for reducing this, and how can they do so?

6)  How can co-parents best help stepsiblings adjust to, and bond with each other?

7)  Is there anything different about child discipline in a multi-home nuclear stepfamily?

8)  How can co-parents best resolve a stepchild's accusation of unfair or mean discipline?

9)  What is a "half brother" or "half sister"? Are they a "stepchild"?

10)  Do we need to know anything special about stepsons vs. stepdaughters?

11)  Can a stepchild's biofamily birth-order be significant in their family roles and what they       need from other members?

12)  Can adult stepchildren cause co-parents special problems?

13)  One of my stepkids has been diagnosed as having ADD. (Attention Deficit Disorder) or
        A.D.D. / H.D. (Hyperactivity Disorder). What do my partner and I need to know about
        this?

14)  One of my / our stepkids seems seriously depressed. What can we do to help?

15)  What is  Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), and why should co-parents and family
       supporters know about it?

16)  What should we know about co-parenting step-teens?

17)  One or more of the minor kids in our family is psychologically wounded. What can we        adults do?

 If you don't see your question here, please ask!

Q1)  Do children of divorce and kids raised in stepfamilies "turn out" as well as kids from intact biofamilies?

       How a child "turns out" from the nurturing they receive may be judged in many ways...

        There are also many variables researchers use to compare intact biofamilies with other types of family. For example...

        Because family researchers don't agree on which criteria to use, studies on whether children of divorcing parents or stepfamily co-parents "turn out" as well as average intact-biofamily kids result in "yes" to "it depends on..." to "no."

        After 30 years' full-time clinical research, my conclusions on this vital family-nurturance outcome question are...

there are specific factors that affect the nurturance level of any family - i.e. how well mem-bers fill each others' primary needs; 

adult children from high-nurturance families seem to have fewer health, relationship, finan-cial, and occupational "problems" than kids raised in low-nurturance families. A recent mul-ti-year UCLA study of studies appears to validate this;

parental divorce suggests one or both parents survived low-nurturance childhoods, and so are at higher risk of significant psychological wounds;

without significant true (vs. pseudo) recovery, wounded co-parents tend to choose each other repeatedly to form stepfamilies; and...

typical U.S. divorcing families and stepfamilies seem to have lower nurturance levels than intact biofamilies, and stepfamily mates may legally divorce more often; so I propose that...

kids of parental divorce and re/marriage have higher odds of sustaining significant false-self wounds than peers in high-nurturance biofamilies.

        If these conclusions are true, typical children raised in average low-nurturance biofamilies, divorcing families, and stepfamilies, are more psychologically wounded than peers in high-nurturance intact biofam-ilies. That usually has significant personal and societal consequences.

Bottom line: using symptoms of false-self wounds as a yardstick, I suspect that average American kids of parental divorce and re/marriage do not "turn out as well" as kids raised in high-nurturance biofamilies.

        Implications: for our kids' and society's sakes, our co-parents, churches, human-service profession-als, and family-law legislators need to...

• help typical young adults want to...

  • understand this toxic cycle that threatens them and any descendents,

  • identify and reduce their psychological wounds,

  • learn how to make three wise courtship choices, and...

  • intentionally grow high-nurturance families together; and...

• provide resources to help young parents to do that; and they need to...

• prevent premature (a) first-marriages and (b) unqualified child conceptions, and resulting divorces and unwise re/marriages.

top

Q2)  Do typical stepkids have special needs, compared to intact-biofamily kids?

        Yes. Typical minor stepkids have normal developmental needs and unique mixes of additional family-adjustment needs that typical intact-biofamily kids don't have.

        As divorcing-family and stepfamily adults try to help dependent kids fill both sets of needs, they must also identify and fill their own concurrent sets of core + adjustment + daily-living needs, and help each other to find effective support and stay balanced as they do.

top

Q3)  Can typical stepchildren learn to love a stepmother or stepfather like a bioparent?

        Ask ten people to define "love" between a parent and a child, and expect ten different answers. The intense interest, caring, and affection that matures over years between well-bonded bioparents and chil-dren is difficult to quantify and define. Opinions vary on whether the bond between wholistically-healthy (unwounded) biochildren and their parents - and/or related mutual dependencies (relationship needs) - are the same as love.

        Depending on many factors, typical stepchildren may develop genuine respect, trust, friendship, and bonds (caring) for a stepfather or stepmother, and vice versa. Because such duos have...

• no genetic and ancestral connections,

• no shared infantile-dependency years, and...

• lower social empathy and acceptance than bioparents and kids,

...the best stepparent - stepchild bonds can approach the feeling of bioparent-biochild love, but not dupli-cate it. This difference is intellectual and trivial for some people.

        People who expect stepparents and stepkids to develop respect and liking for each other over time ("friendship") are less apt to feel upset like the step-adults who believe they must love each other like bioparents and kids. Demanding that people feel and express "love" is a stressful be-spontaneous! para-dox.

        Such demands suggests major false-self wounding, and guarantee significant family confusion, pre-tense, frustration, guilt, anxiety, and shame. Most informed stepfamily commentators warn against em-bracing the myth of "instant love." This is among the best known of ~60 common misconceptions about typical stepfamily structures, roles, relationships, and development.

top

Q4)  Is there a best time for a single parent to start dating? To re/marry?

        Yes and yes. The timing of a divorcing or widowed bioparent's decisions to start dating and to  re/ marry and/or cohabit with a new partner is one of three crucial decisions that will shape their family's ongoing nurturance levels and their kids' wholistic healths.  

        Most divorce-recovery literature suggests that starting to date seriously within 12 to 18 months after marital separation or mate death risks (a) too little grief and personal stability, (b) making unbalanced (over-needy) relationship and priority decisions, and (c) stressing all bonded family kids and adults.

        For compound factors like these, I propose that commitment to a new partner and/or cohabiting in less than ~24 months after a mate's funeral or a legal divorce decree steeply risks future re/divorce. Every adult and child has a unique style and pace of mourning their major losses so the "safe" number of months is directly proportional to the slowest griever among ex mates and each of their minor or grown children.

        Typical co-parents who date seriously or re/commit too quickly are usually...

• survivors of a low-nurturance (a) childhood and (b) first marriage, who are...

• ruled by a needy false self focused on immediate satisfaction rather than making wise wide-angle, long-range life decisions for them and their minor kids.

top

Q5)  Why do some stepkids reject the nicest stepparents and/or step-relatives? Who's responsible for reducing this, and how can they do so?

        Typical new stepmoms and stepdads are at their cordial, friendly best with their partner's kids, only to receive grunts, no eye contact, sullen shrugs, and hurtful avoidances and rejections. Stepkids' cold shoulders can extend to stepsiblings and the warmest step-relatives, despite parental requests, lectures, or attempts to problem-solve.

        Steppeople can react from amusement to puzzlement to self-doubt to hurt to resentment - specially if the "rude" stepchild behavior persists despite respectful confrontations and friendly overtures. Adults may err by unconsciously using traditional biofamily behavioral expectations to gauge their stepkids' atti-tudes and actions.

        There are several possible causes for stepchild "rejections." Partners understanding and accepting them can ease tensions, shift expectations, and open up new long-term options. Common causes include...

the child is temporarily overwhelmed by local changes in their body, social circle, school, and family circumstances. Most stepkids can't articulate their daunting mix of overlapping developmental and family-adjustment needs. They depend on their co-parents to know and empathically help with these, while the adults fill their own needs and manage family chan-ges effectively; and/or...

the stepchild is grieving of two or more sets of losses and their anger, indifference, or hos-tility are normal symptoms of that healing process. Grief is an automatic mental + psycho-logical + spiritual response, so lecturing, pleading, hinting, preaching, demanding, or ex-plaining will probably produce guilts, shame, and avoidance, at best.

        A more helpful adult reaction is to want to learn good-grief basics and intentionally provide a pro-grief environment in their related stepfamily homes - i.e. work on co-parent Lesson 3 together and alert other relatives to it. Can you describe your family's present grieving policy? Does it encourage healthy mourning?

        Other "rejection" causes may include...

the "cold" child may be unconsciously testing for reassurance that their re/married biopar-ent won't abandon them or "demote them" relative to the new steppeople. Where this is so, verbal reassurance of parental love and concern is of limited value in quelling this instinctive anxiety. Actions count much more. And/or...

the child feels caught in one or more values and/or loyalty conflicts and associated rela-tionship triangles, and their behavior is their way of protesting and expressing their con-fusion, guilt, anxiety, and frustration.

        This is specially likely if the child's other bioparent or a key relative  (a) rejects their stepfamily identity, or ignores what it means, and/or (b) dislikes, resents, disrespects, or fears the steppeople.

        Antidote: maintain a long-range view (15 years or more), select among the options in the linked articles above, and patiently help each other with these self-study Lessons and/or...

the "rejected" stepparent may be...

        Once aware of these normal stepfamily dynamics, co-parent partners can reduce them over time if...

• their true Selves usually guide their personality, and...

• they're facile with the Lesson-2 communication skills, and...

• they accept their stepfamily identity and what it means, and adults...

• are managing the child's set of adjustment needs effectively, and...

• they're knowledgably supporting the child's mourning (above), and if co-parents are...

• balancing all of these and other life relationships and activities well enough.

        Another possibility has no cure, and merits using these timeless guidelines: the stepchild and/or stepperson/s may simply have "bad chemistry." If patient work on options like these yields no significant improvement, consider professional help, and/or use the Project-7 worksheets to check whether one or both co-parents made up to three unwise courtship choices.

top

Q6)  How can co-parents best help stepsiblings adjust to and bond with each other?

        One of the many structural differences among typical stepfamilies is the mix of stepbrothers, step-sisters, and "ours" children. Some new stepkids are used to being an only child. Others have never had a (step)sister or (step)brother before.

        Still others have never had teen or grown siblings before their parent re/married and cohabited. While your circumstances are unique, there are some general things you co-parents can do to help your kids adjust to each other well and promote bonding among them over time. Follow the link. For more per-spective, also see this menu.

top

Q7)  Is there anything different about child discipline in a multi-home nuclear stepfamily?

       Yes. The goals of child discipline are usually the same in any home or family: to guide, instruct, and protect children, and preserve local order and comfort. However, there can be up to 21 concurrent environ-mental differences between child discipline in intact biofamilies and in multi-home stepfamilies.

        When co-parents...

• are ruled by false selves,

• deny or minimize their stepfamily identity,

• haven't evolved effective strategies to master values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles, and/or...

• aren't aware of these discipline differences and their impacts, then

 "child discipline" can cause major conflict in and between related co-parenting homes.

        Lesson 7 is devoted to co-parents overcoming significant barriers to evolving cooperative teamwork - including negotiating a cooperative style of setting and enforcing respectful boundaries and consequences with resident and visiting minor children.

        Success at this is most likely if co-parents concurrently work toward shared awareness of their kids' needs, and negotiating and harmonizing their caregiving roles,

top

More answers to key questions about stepkids...

 site intro  /  course overview  /  site search  /  definitions  /  chat  /  contact  /  copyright info

Updated  August 30, 2010