Dear
____________
This letter offers perspective and recommendations on the
legal case we're all involved in, and the rulings I will
eventually make on your dispute.
Asking the legal system to resolve disputes like yours
demonstrate your current inability to problem-solve
effectively together. It also suggests that one or more
people involved in your dispute bear significant
psychological wounds, and don't know what that means that or
how to reduce their wounds. If this is true, your
attorneys, the law, and my rulings cannot help you
reduce these basic problems. There are practical
steps you can take to reduce them, once you understand and
accept these problems.
As you know, litigation between family members adds
new personal and family stressors to those
that cause the litigation. Long term, your asking the court
to impose a solution to your family
is a lose-lose
decision. Attorneys are paid and motivated to win -
which guarantees (a) an (expensive) antagonistic combative
process, and (b) someone will lose. The hurt,
resentment, anger, frustration, and expense you both will
incur from the legal process and what comes of it will
probably take years to heal, and significantly stress you
and your children (if any) long after I make a ruling on
your case.
I propose that there is an effective non-legal way to
resolve major disputes among your family members:
1) agree to take a long-term view together
(e.g. the next 25 years), rather than focusing narrowly on
your current dispute. The real target here is to discover
what blocks you from effective problem-solving together, and
cooperatively removing the blocks to benefit all your family
members.
2) acknowledge that each of you adults is equally
responsible for causing and resolving your current dispute.
As long as either of you chooses an attitude of superiority
and blame ("YOU are causing this problem, not ME!") all your
family members will suffer, and outsiders cannot help you.
The way you have been trying to resolve your dispute
is probably your real problem.
3) commit to (a) learning about psychological wounds, and
(b) honestly assess yourselves for them. You can find
information on this on the Web, at
https://sfhelp.org/gwcguide1.htm (a non-profit
educational site). That resource offers practical options
for reducing your wounds and protecting your descendents
from them.
4) learn about the common [wounds + ignorance] cycle
that has probably promoted the past and current stressors in
your family. See the non-profit slide presentation on this
at
https://sfhelp.org/fam/cycle_slides.htm.
5) commit to learning and practicing
effective-communication basics and skills together. See
the perspective on these at
https://sfhelp.org/cx/guide2.htm, and the slide
presentations and resources at
https://sfhelp.org/cx/basics.htm and
https://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/ps.htm.
I'm glad to discuss this letter with you and your attorneys
within our mutual time constraints. I urge you to take these
steps for the long-term welfare of your family and your
descendents.
Respectfully,
____________________, JD
* By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW. Copy and amend this letter as
you wish.