Typical
Problems and Solutions
Premises: "relationship problems" are unmet needs (discomforts) in
one or more people, so "problem solving" is the
process of identifying
and filling each person's
Unaware people focus on filling
surface
needs, rather than the primary needs that cause them. So
primary needs remain unmet, and the surface problems (symptoms) keep
recurring. If you haven't read
this illustration of how to identify
primary needs, do so now, and return.
Before continuing, define your
"adult stepchild" problem (unmet need/s) out loud. Keep it in mind as you read. Then see if
you recognize any of these...
Typical
Surface Problems
Between Co-parents
-
The stepparent or (step-grandparent) doesn't
like, respect, or trust an adult stepchild; and expects their
mate's loyalty in times of conflict;
-
An adult child wants to move in with
re/married mates, and one co-parent (usually the stepparent) doesn't
want that;
-
Re/married mates are conflicted about the
behaviors and choices of a troubled adult stepchild, and whether (and
how) to intervene;
-
A stepparent resents their mate's favoring
their child/ren over the stepparent's own child/ren or being passive
about grandparental favoritism;
-
An adult stepchild asks for financial
support, and co-parents disagree on how to respond;
-
The stepparent feels their mate won't confront or set limits with a
troublesome adult stepchild;
-
Co-parents disagree or feel guilty about
estate plans (wills) and bequests to adult kids;
-
Co-parent mates are conflicted over the way
an adult stepchild is parenting their own child/ren, and/or by conflicts
between adult stepsiblings;
-
The stepchild is allying with their other
bioparent in major co-parental conflicts;
-
an adult stepchild
won't leave home, their bioparent allows or enables this, and their
stepparent is frustrated and feels discounted by their mate; and/or...
-
Co-parental arguments over these...
Typical
Surface Problems
Between Stepparents and
Adult Stepkids
-
Either person doesn't like, trust or respect
the other ("bad chemistry");
-
Either person feels rejected, discounted, or
ignored (disrespected) by the other;
-
The stepchild resents the stepparent's
perceived attempt to "replace" their other bioparent;
-
One or both feels sexually attracted to the
other;
-
Confusion, hurts, and resentments around
Mothers and Fathers Days and other holidays;
-
Confusion and conflict about family
names, and titles;
-
Both adults are competing for the
bioparent's attention and allegiance;
-
The stepparent resents the stepchild
disrespecting or using their (the stepparent's) mate;
-
The stepparent feels the stepchild is too
intrusive and/or too dependent;
-
The stepparent feels over-responsible for
helping a troubled grown stepchild
Trying to reduce any of these
surface problems will
often fail because they're each a symptom of a mix of underlying primary
problems that need resolution.
Typical Primary Problems
Common primary problems involving adult stepkids include:
1) one or more
family adults (including ex mates) is unaware of the lethal [wounds +
unawareness]
they
may have inherited. Solution - read and discuss
this.
2) some adults may
have
symptoms of significant psychological
from a
low-nurturance childhood, and
no one knows that or what it
Solution - have all
your adults study, discuss, and apply
together. Avoiding or procrastinating this is a sure sign of
wounds and unawareness.
3) one or more stepfamily
co-parents made unwise commitment
and
they don't want to admit that. They can break their denial and grieve, but
they can't undo their choices.
4) one or more
co-parents are not consistently committed to putting their wholistic
health
their
primary relationship second, and all else (like adult stepkids' needs) third,
except in emergencies. This usually indicates significant psychological
wounds,
and unresolved
See Lessons 1 and
5) two or more
family adults (usually all) don't know how to
and
effectively.
Symptom - conflicted people focus on
surface problems, not the
causing them.
Solution - take this
quiz and see what you learn. Then
study and apply
skills to fill
everyone's needs as mutually-respectful
teammates, not adversaries.
6) one or more
adults are unable to
resolve
first, and then work to reduce interpersonal conflicts.
Solution: patiently study and apply Lessons 1 and 2 here.
More primary "adult-stepchild" problems...
7) one or more
family members are minimizing
or denying your
as a stepfamily and/or what that identity
This usually means
they have unrealistic expectations
about stepfamily relationships and dynamics. Solution - all adults
study and discuss (at least)
8)
some members disagree on who belongs to
your stepfamily. Solution - read and discuss these
options.
9)
some of your stepfamily members are stressed with a mix of values and
loyalty conflicts and associated
relationship triangles, and you don't know that or what to do about it.
Solution - read and apply these ideas
together.
10) one or more of your adults is
blocked in grieving
major
from (a) childhood, (b) biofamily breakup, and/or (c) stepfamily
formation; and that is hindering
stepfamily bonding. Solution - study and apply
and
invite your adults to forge a
together.
11)
two or more adults are focused on surface financial disputes, rather than
what causes them. Solution - read and discuss
these ideas.
12) some
stepfamily adults don't know how to
analyze and resolve typical
relationship problems. Solution - follow the two links and study
You just read a summary of the primary problems causing strife with
and about adult stepkids.
Implications
Recall why you're reading this article. If you have an "adult-stepchild
problem," Have you been focusing on surface problems and not what causes
them? What you just read suggests
-
the stepchild's personality and/or behaviors are
often not the problem;
-
there are often several concurrent primary
problems to solve, not just one; and...
-
each primary problem except
#3 above
has an
effective solution, once family adults are aware of the problem and are
willing to learn and change.
Recall the "adult stepchild" problem you wish to resolve. If you
have been focusing on a surface problem, reframe it as one or
more of the primary problems above. Then mull who's responsible for
correcting those problems. |