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- evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily |
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Q&A about
Stepsiblings
and Half-siblings
What Adults Need to Know
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council
|
 The Web address of this
article is https://sfhelp.org/sf/co/qa.htm
Updated
07/04/2015
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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a
stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
This
article assumes you're familiar with...
Typical stepbrothers and stepsisters are "just plain kids" - going to
school, playing with friends, learning social skills and hobbies, and relating to
family
members, neighbors, and pets. And - typical minor and
grown stepsiblings, and half-siblings are confronted with
alien family roles, relationships, and adjustment tasks that their
peers in intact biofamilies don't experience.
The questions and answers below hilight key things adults
need to know about typical stepsibling and half-sibling relationships.
Also see Q&A about
stepchild and
stepparent
roles, relationships, and problems
Questions to discuss about stepsiblings
1) What do average
adults
need to know about
stepsiblings?
2) What do typical stepsiblings
need most from their family
adults?
3) How can
adults help stepsiblings
accept and bond with each other?
4)
What can we do if some stepsiblings
dislike each other?
5) What if stepsiblings feel
sexual attraction for each
other?
6) What is a
half-brother or half sister?
7) What
special
needs do typical
half-siblings have, and how can co-parents best help with
them?
8) How should
co-parents handle different
("fairness") about
child discipline in and between stepsiblings' homes?
9)
What
can we do if one or more
stepsibs are psychologically wounded?
If you don't see your question here, please
ask!
Q1)
What do average adults
need to know about
stepsiblings?
They
need to know that...
their kids each have normal
developmental needs and many
concurrent stepfamily-adjustment needs which
typical
adult stepsibs can't describe;
depending on their age, gender, and other
factors, minor kids' reactions to first learning they'll have a stepbrother or sister may include delight, confusion
(ambivalence), insecurity, curiosity,
hostility,
jealousy, numbness, and/or
indifference;
it's
normal for
new stepsiblings to test repeatedly to
see, who each of their co-parents "likes best," specially if the
children are from
childhoods.
Testing often manifests as...
-
persistent "fighting" or whining,
-
acting
unusually possessive of a bioparent's time and attention, and/or...
-
accusing
one or more co-parents or siblings of "being unfair."
With insecure
children,
verbal reassurances of parental love and status are less impactful than
parents' demonstrating those over time; and...
stepsiblings
may or may not learn to
like,
respect, and
trust each other over
time; and will probably not "love" and
with each other like
healthy biosiblings. There are exceptions,
specially stepsibs raised together since early childhood. Stepsiblings may or may not
become good friends. If they don't, no one is wrong or bad.
and co-parents need to know that...
stepsibs - specially
step-teens - are more apt to have
sexual and/or romantic
feelings for each other than biosiblings;
stepsiblings may or may not feel
comfortable having different last names;
typical stepsiblings are likely to
provoke - and need help coping with - family
and relationship
Each child will have unique abilities
to
bond, and
their own
grieving styles (public, private, emotional,
reserved...), paces (slow to fast), and
support-needs; and...
each stepsibling will react
differently to
-
visitations with their
"other bioparent,"
-
establishing new household and stepfamily
rituals; and
to...
-
co-parents' discussing or conceiving an "ours" child or stepchild
adoption.
top
Q2)
What do typical stepsiblings
need most from their adults?
They need...
a clear understanding of...
-
their group
as a
stepfamily,
-
who
(is included), and...
-
what their
step-identity
to them and their
other family members;
and stepsibs need...
the sense that their co-parents aren't
anxious or guilty about, or ashamed to be in, a
stepfamily; and
they need...
genuine reassurance that
they don't have to
love each other or be friends,
like "normal (biological) brothers and sisters";
and that it's wonderful if they do feel those, over time.
And typical stepsibs need...
affectionate acceptance that
they will need to test their stepfamily members
to re/gain...
And stepsibs need...
empathy (vs. criticism) if
they
don't like each other, and/or don't
want to share their home, bioparent, and belongings (like a pet) with
"some other kid/s"; and youngsters need patient help with grieving and accepting those
forced
and changes;
and stepkids need...
help (a) understanding, (b) validating, and
(c) resolving
and
conflicts and
relationship
and
they
need adult...
help in identifying, expressing, and
reducing
excessive
over resenting, distrusting, disliking, or feeling indifferent
to or jealous of, a stepsister or stepbrother; and they also need ...
help with
and respectfully
and
enforcing personal
with new
stepsisters or brothers. Part of such help is seeing how their
co-parents set and enforce personal
boundaries
And typical stepsiblings need...
to feel included
(respected) in co-parents' decisions about
re/wedding, child conception, choice of
dwelling, legal
adoption, developing new family
and geographic
moves; and...
the other things that individual
stepkids need from
their co-parents and relatives.
How many of these typical stepsibling needs could you describe before
reading this? How many of these can each of your co-parents and key relatives
name? How likely is it that average minor kids can name these needs? Average
family-support professionals? Recall this Web site's premise that
one of five common
stepfamily
is
unawareness.
top
Q3)
How can adults best help stepsiblings
accept and bond with each other?
Key options include keeping a patient, long-term outlook, and...
-
everyone make significant progress studying
and discussing
during
the mates' courtship;
-
each family adult for psychological
and commit to
them over time;
-
help all adults and kids understand how
stepfamily
"work," and invite (vs. demand) kids to participate;
-
studying and discussing stepkids'
developmental and
adjustment needs, with special emphasis on
helping them grieve their losses (lesson 3);
-
adults study and discuss these Q&A articles
on stepkids and stepparents;
-
learn realistic stepfamily
and teach them to each child;
-
work patiently to admit and reduce any
among divorced bioparents and their relatives;
-
help everyone understand values,
and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles, and evolve an
effective strategy to manage
each of these stressors;
-
ensure that all family members do not expect stepsibs to love
each other (and step-kin) like biofamily kids do. Shoot for
evolving respect and friendship over time, and accept that if those
don't develop naturally, no one is "bad.";
and...
top
Q4)
What can we do if stepsiblings
dislike each other?
Consider options like these...
Admit and discuss this "dislike"
stressor without blame or guilt, vs. denying, avoiding, pretending, or minimizing it;
Ask each child respectfully what s/he
feels and needs, and
then...
Seek to learn the real problem
- e.g.
-
distrust, disrespect, jealousy, anxiety, and/or insecurities,
-
"bad chemistry" - (incompatible
values and interests);
-
incomplete
-
and/or
relationship
-
unrealistic family role expectations;
-
influence by another
co-parent or relative; and/or...
-
Decide if this problem
warrants using qualified
top
Q5) What if stepsiblings feel
sexual attraction for each
other?
This is normal. The odds of sexual attraction and action between
average stepsiblings can be higher than in intact biofamilies -
specially with stepteens - because the incest taboo
is significantly weaker.
Adults in new stepfamilies can be extra sensitive
and reactive to alleged or observed sexual behavior between stepsibs ("Your
perverted son spied on my daughter as she was dressing!")
Hormones and primal sexual responses ("human nature") transcend traditional biofamily sexual
conventions.
It's better to talk openly about this attraction than to pretend, gossip,
blame, or accuse. Be alert for related
and relationship
and amplified
between divorced parents, in and between your co-parenting homes
top
Q6) What is a
half-brother or half sister?
A half brother
or half sister has one
only one bioparent in common with their siblings.
This can occur when a re/married parent conceives an
"ours" child (vs. "his" or "hers") with her
new mate. Half of such children's genes are the same as their brothers
or sisters, and half are different.
Unless stepkids have been legally
adopted, half-sibling's
last names differ from the
other child/ren, which can be confusing in school and social
situations. So can this: if they live with their bioparents,
half-siblings
are not stepchildren, though their mom and/or dad may also have the
role of stepparent.
If co-parents or relatives aren't clear on these things, everyone can feel
confused or conflictual on their
- or the
-
identity and family
("You're not a
real sister, you're only a half sister.") This can promote jealousy,
insecurity, hurt, competition, and significant
and relationship
- specially if
co-parents (a) disagree on what's true here and/or who's "right;" and/or
(b) they don't know how to
communicate
For more perspective, see
this article.
top
Q7) What special
needs do typical
half-siblings have, and how can co-parents best
help with
them?
Typical minor
half-sisters and half-brothers have the same
developmental needs as any other child. They also may need
help from informed co-parents in filling special needs like these:
resolve confusion over what a
stepfamily, a stepparent, and a stepsibling is,
and how their parents' older child/ren be stepchildren when they
aren't - even though their siblings may live in the same home;
learn
(a) who
to
their
and
families and who doesn't, (b) who
decides who belongs, and (c) why their answers to those questions
may differ from
their siblings';
accept that being a "half"
does not mean they are somehow less loved, wanted, worthy, smart,
normal, or valuable than "full" siblings, despite some other people implying
or saying that it does. It means that they're living with both
biological parents, and that they don't have a stepparent.
resolve possible confusion
over last names ("How come my last name is Jackson, and my (half)sister's
name is Fairchild?")
And typical "ours children" need
informed co-parental help with...
deciding what to call each
sibling - e.g. "my brother," "my half-brother," "Jeremy," "My Mom's other son," or
something else, and why names are important
to some family members and not to others ("I don't care what you call me.") Each
stepfamily adult and other child needs to make the same
decision; and help with...
learn how to deal with
possible jealousy and
resentment that they get to live with
both bioparents when their half-siblings don't. When this occurs, it's often
at least partly caused by the resentful child not having
their key
(broken bonds) from parental divorce,
death, and re/marriage. And some half-sibs may need help...
learn how to respond to
(or not make) taunts like "You're not my real brother (sister),
you're just a half brother (sister) (so you're not as good as me, and you don't
rate the same privileges)!"; and also...
learn
(a) that their
half-siblings' "other parent" is not their
biological
parent too, and (b) what that difference means -
e.g. learn that it's OK if they don't
know or care about their half-sibling's "other Mom" or Dad, and don't "have
to" acknowledge them at holidays or birthdays, or expect acknowledgement from
them; and...
learn
(a) what "child custody," "visitation," "(financial)
support", and
"parenting agreements" are,
(b) why they're a big deal to some other family members, and (c) how to
react when sibs and relatives get into "fights"
and
conflicts, and
relationship
over them;
and...
learn how keep their
boundaries clear and to
their needs if a co-parent treats or
disciplines them differently than a
resident or visiting half-brother or sister (e.g. their Mom hugs them, but not
their half-sibling); and...
grow compassion for
their half-sibling's many alien
family-adjustment needs which they don't have and may not understand;
And half-sibs need empathic adult help to...
learn why some
(genetic) relatives may treat them "better" than their half-siblings, and
how not to feel
guilty about that;
clarify what will change
(like last names and parental rights and responsibilities)
and what will not
(genetic inheritances), if one of their co-parents legally
adopts one or more half-siblings. And
some kids need help with...
learn
(a) why their
schoolmates and neighbors may not understand or validate these many special
needs; and (b) how to react to that; and...
learn (a) why some or all of
their other family members are confused about and/or disagree on these issues,
and (b) that it's OK to say how this makes them (the child) feel ("I wish you
guys would stop fighting all the time!");
How many of these common
"half-sibling" needs were you aware of before you read this?
How many of them do you think an average child and adult family member or supporter (friends, teachers, counselors, clergy)
could describe? What does such
unawareness mean in and between your
stepfamily homes? Do your co-parents need to do something about this? If so,
(a) what needs to be done, (b) why, and (c) who's responsible for acting?
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