Worksheet for clarifying stepfamily co-parents' responsibilities

Lesson 7 of 7 - evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily

Worksheet: Clarify Your
Co-parents' Responsibilities

A resource for making effective
family "job descriptions"

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this 2-page worksheet is https://sfhelp.org/sf/co/wks.htm

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      This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both biological parents, or any of the three or more stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. .

      Get the most from this worksheet by first reading...

the intro to this Web site and the premises underlying it

self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 7 , parts 1 and 2

what typical stepfamily kids need

perspective on effective parenting and
co-parent job descriptions; and..

Q&A about stepparenting and stepkids

Why Do This Worksheet?

      Typical minor stepkids have ~25 normal developmental needs, as well as several dozen family-adjustment needs that intact-biofamily kids don't have. Their family and social environments and adult-child relationships are significantly different too. So nurturing stepkids effectively is much more complex than in intact biofamilies.

       The odds of effective nurturance rise steeply if co-parents agree to define who is responsible for what with each minor child. The length of this worksheet implies the complexity of the shared co-parenting responsibilities in an average multi-home nuclear stepfamily.

How to Use This Worksheet

      Prepare: Read and discuss the resources above, and conform that your true Self is guiding your personality. If not, expect skewed result here, and work on self-improvement Lesson 1.

      Acknowledge that what responsibilities your co-parents accept and implement over time will determine whether or not you protect your fan of descendents from inheriting the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle.

      Print a set of these two pages for each of your stepfamily kids. Because each child is unique, your co-parents will have different goals for each one. Use colored markers to hilight key items.

      Adopt a long-range point of view - e.g. the next 15 or 20 years. Imagine clearly your focus child as an independent young adult, and picture how you want them to be.

      Find an undistracted place and allot at least 30" or more to reflect on these questions for each child. Fill out this worksheet alone to avoid skewing your answers - then discuss it with other family members. See this time as an investment in a priceless asset - co-creating successful young adults over many years..

      Take your time. If you feel overwhelmed, recall: Average stepfamily co-parents like us take four or more years to merge and stabilize our several biofamilies after cohabiting. Your co-parents are evolving a vital dynamic plan, not a black/white legal decree. Note that "no plan" is a plan!

      Consider journaling about your thoughts, emotions, and images as you fill out the worksheets, or soon afterward. The process of doing these sheets may be as valuable as the results...

      When all your co-parents have filled out copies for each child, then come together and compare and discuss your results as caregiving teammates, not competitors. You may not be buddies, and you're all aiming for the same child-care goals!

      Let your kids know what you're doing and why. Teach them the main results. Show these worksheets to relatives, teachers, and relevant family-support professionals. Typical non-steppeople greatly underestimate the scope and complexity of your co-parenting barriers, problems, and kids' needs.

      Finally...

Use this worksheet as a resource for evolving effective co-parenting for your stepfamily adults and supporters.

      Write co-parents' first names or initials over each column below: "BP" = bioparent, "SP" = stepparent, and "Other" = other key nurturers, like relatives, baby sitters, older siblings, coaches, or an au pair.

      Option - use "GP" to denote a key grandparent. Edit and change these worksheet items to fit the uniquenesses of your stepfamily situation. Make these pages work for you all!

      Review, discuss, and update these worksheets and related job descriptions regularly - specially in your stepfamily's early years.

+ + +

      Thoughts as I start this inventory...

      Tasks in italics below are usually not needed, or are significantly different, in typical intact biofamilies.

Our Co-parenting Goals	Who should be responsible for doing this with (child's name) ____________________________?
Names / Initials	BP1	SP1	BP2	SP2	Child	Other
General Co-parenting Basics
Learn what the [wounds + unawareness] cycle is and how we can break it
Learn specifically what factors promote a high-nurturance ("functional") family
Accept that we're all in a normal, unique, multi-home stepfamily.
Accept that (a) each of our kids' living bioparents, and (b) their present and future mates - are equal co-parents in our multi-home stepfamily.
Learn (a) what's normal in average stepfamilies, and (b) how they differ from typical intact biofamilies.
Get clear on the specific traits of healthy, effective co-parents
Learn how stepparenting and traditional bioparenting differ
Learn (a) the unique adjustment needs of minor stepkids, and (b) how they apply to each of our kids
Evolve and use a meaningful family mission statement together
(a) Evolve, (b) negotiate, (c) use, and (d) update clear, compatible job descriptions for each of our co-parents and kids
Teach and model effective communication basics and skills
Forge and implement a healthy family grieving policy
Design and supervise family vacations, celebrations, and outings
Develop an effective way to identify and resolve major co-parenting conflicts
Negotiate and implement a multi-home child-discipline policy
Get qualified co-parenting help promptly when needed
Keep key others informed of what we're all trying to do together

*Basic co-parenting responsibilities for this* unique child:**
Steadily feel and show unconditional love
Steadily feel and show conditional respect
Listen: learn this child's fears, dreams, feelings, hopes, and needs
Be a loyal companion, friend, and playmate
Give merited praise and recognition often
Feel and show honest affection
Give healthy touching, hugs, and kisses
Encourage and guide this child, rather than criticize and shame
Protect this child from abuses, dangers, and neglect
Guard this child against re/divorce trauma
Resolve conflicts between this child's co-parents and relatives

Names / initials	BP1	SP1	BP2	SP2	Child	Other
Who's responsible to consistently model and teach this child healthy ...
Self love, self respect, and pride
Self-nurturance values and skills (vs. self neglect
Self-protection skills
Personal honesty and accountability
Personal hygiene values and habits
Proper bathroom manners and behaviors
Language / swearing name-calling / limits
Verbal and written communication skills
Effective problem-solving skills
Managing shame and guilt effectively
Anger, aggression, frustration, and impulse management
Empathy, sensitivity, and tact
Nudity, modesty, and privacy standards
Safe driving skills, and vehicle care
Proper ethical and moral judgment
Respectful attitudes about race, creed, gender, and ethnic differences
Personal respect for Nature and the Earth

Names / initials	BP1	SP1	BP2	SP2	Child	Other
Responsibilities for this child's schooling
Assess this child's unique gifts and talents, and nurture them steadily
Pick the right school / daycare agency
Choose and monitor effective, nurturing teachers
Select the right school subjects
Develop effective study, learning, and school attitudes
Set clear, appropriate school-performance expectations and standards
Help this child with homework and special projects
Request, attend, and follow up on school conferences
Set and enforce TV, phone, and computer limits
Choose, monitor, and support this child's extra curricular activities
Attend this child's games / performances / ceremonies
Monitor and pay school / college expenses

Resolve any major problems with these
Sleep / Rest
Decide where, when, and with whom this child sleeps
Choose, decorate, furnish this child's bedroom/s
Clean this child's bedroom/s, sheets, etc.
See that this child gets enough sleep
Get this child up on time for school / work
Teach and model balancing work, play, and rest
Resolve any major rest-related problems

Names / initials	BP1	SP1	BP2	SP2	Child	Other
Health and Growth
Supervise this child's weight, diet, and exercise
Get or give first aid, when needed
Set and enforce alcohol, smoking, and other drug limits
Provide timely, effective sex education, guidance, limits, and protections
Choose this child's health providers
Arrange behavioral counseling / medical / dental / optical / appointments
Provide transport
Monitor / evaluate / follow up on these visits
Get / give / monitor any medications
Pay for this child's health-related expenses
Provide and monitor health insurance

Resolve major problems on any of these
Family and Other Relationships
Help this child clearly define " who's in my stepfamily now?"
Help clarify this child's role responsibilities as a stepchild / stepsibling / stepgrandchild
Teach this child key stepfamily- biofamily differences and realities
Decide / act on stepparental adoption of this child
Family names and titles: decide what this child will call each stepfamily member
Resolve conflicts between stepsibs and/or step-relatives
Resolve loyalty conflicts affecting this child
Resolve this child's stepparent/s' feeling "second best" too often
Promote mutual respect with stepsibs and half-sibs (if any)
Facilitate a healthy relationship between this child and their non-custodial bioparent
Facilitate healthy relationships between this child and their relatives
Facilitate healthy relationships between this child and their step-kin
Inform this child's teacher/s, doctor/s, and minister "we are a multi-home stepfamily"
Promptly resolve major disputes among this child's three or more co-parents
Arrange and provide transportation to / from friends' homes and social events
Choose, buy, and pay for this child's party supplies and presents
Plan and oversee sleepovers and parties
Set and enforce this child's telephone limits
Make and enforce their "check in" rules
Set and enforce their curfew limits
Arrange, transport, and pay for their baby sitters, and resolve problems with them
Choose, buy, and care for this child's pets

Resolve major conflicts on any of these

Do you need a break? Notice what you're thinking and feeling. Then...

Continue with page 2 of this co-parenting-responsibilities worksheet...