Lesson 7 of 7  - evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily
	Plan a Successful  Stepfamily Wedding Manage Many Complexities  by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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Updated 09/07/2015

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      This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both biological parents, or any of the three or more stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.

      Here "wedding" means a traditional church rite and reception or a non-traditional public or private spousal-commitment ceremony and celebration. "Planning" spans any bridal showers, dinners, ceremony, reception, and honeymoon.

      This article is for co-parent couples and adult stepchildren who want a satisfying re/wedding experience for themselves and their families.

   Before reading further, take this anonymous 1-question poll about remarriage

      This article...

defines a successful wedding, and offers...

perspective on ceremonial complexity,

planning and problem-solving options,

honeymoon considerations, and..

selected wedding resources.

The  article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 6 stepfamily facts, Q&A, and common myths common courtship danger signs, perspective on re/marriage; requisites for successful stepamily celebrations; and... this example of a real stepfamily

      Most American stepfamily unions follow the legal divorce of one or both new mates. Others follow a prior mate's death. One or both partners have minor or grown children. This makes nuptial planning a challeng because...

 Stepfamily Weddings are More Complex 

      Key differences between first-marriage and stepfamily celebrations include...

There are more people. Planners must consider the needs, feelings, and relationships of minor or grown kids + three or more co-parents + all their genetic and legal relatives + their respective friends; and...

Average American re/marriers are more likely to have differing religious backgrounds, races, and cultures, and wider age differences. These can promote stressful loyalty and values conflicts among everyone; and...

There are no well-accepted social norms and traditions to guide stepfamily wedding planners. That's compounded by over a dozen alien stepfamily roles like step-uncle, step-cousin, and ex father-in-law, that adults and kids aren't used to. These can cause uncertainty and confusions in deciding "How are we supposed to behave at this celebration?"

      Typical stepfamily wedding literature and consultants aren't fully aware of these factors and what they mean. They may minimize or deny this nuptial complexity, and overfocus on wedding trivia, joy, and happiness. Also...

Most stepfamily ceremonies are preceded by one or more divorces. Some guests and family members - specially kids, ex mates, grandparents, and former inlaws - may still hold strong feelings about this, which can get triggered by new nuptials. This is specially likely if a marital affair and/or an unplanned child conception brought the new partners together.

      And stepfamily weddings are unusually complex because...

Wedding ceremonies involve vows to key people, society, and God. A reality in most re/weddings is that for one or both partners, their former vows were "broken." This may cause partners to feel that vowing "'Til death do us part" isn't realistic. And...

One or both new partners have existing kids and one or more living or dead ex mates. This can cause confusion over if and how to include the kids in the festivities and vows, and whether or not to invite the kids' other bioparent and kin to various family gatherings. 

      And finally...

The chance for grief to erupt during the festivities is high for many reasons. Stepfamily re/marriage affirms painful prior losses (broken bonds) from divorce or death, and may cause new losses some adults and kids - e.g. kids and others can lose dreams of the divorced bioparents reuniting. 

      Typical new-stepfamily couples and supporters are only vaguely aware of these combined complexities, what they mean (personal and social "problems"), and how to manage them effectively. Their unawareness and longing for marital and family happiness can promote inadequate nuptial planning, significant stress, and unhappy memories.

      With these factors in mind, let's explore...

  What's a "Successful" Wedding?

      Personal and social needs have caused wedding ceremonies in all eras and cultures. This suggests that a "successful" ceremony will fill everyone's needs "well enough." What needs?

society needs healthy citizens (e.g. blood tests), well-nurtured children raised by capable adults (vs. teen parents), and for stable, functional families; and...

family members need dignity, respect, harmony, good will, bonding, boundaries, loyalty, and social support and approval; and...

the couple needs to publicly pledge their commitment and love, formally accept the roles of committed partners; and to experience the support of friends and family in starting their life together; and...

their kids need to have their feelings validated and respected, and to be reassured that their parent's choosing a new mate will not lower their family status and/or security. Typical new stepkids and stepsiblings have many other needs they need informed adult help to fill over time; and...

many people need to sanctify the sacred union of two loving people in the presence of God and community; and...

friends and well-wishers need to demonstrate their support for the couple and to re-affirm the profound specialness of a spousal commitment.

      Inevitably, some of these needs will conflict, so partners and supporters do well to agree on...

  Whose Wedding Needs Come First?

      I  propose that long-term marital and stepfamily harmony is most likely if each mate steadily wants to put..:

• their personal integrity and wholistic health first. This includes giving priority to personal recovery from any psychological wounds. Then put...

• their primary relationship solidly second, and then...

• put everyone else's short-term needs third, including your kids - except in emergencies.

Notice your reaction to this idea. Typical Grown Wounded Child (GWC) may intellectually agree with this scheme, but their actions may put their mate's or kids' needs first out of anxiety, shame, and/or guilt. That promotes eventual re/divorce.

      Implication - for each nuptial-planning dispute you mates encounter, discuss...

• Whose needs are we trying to fill - ours, or someone else's?

• "What option is best for my dignity, integrity, and self-worth here?; then...

• "What wedding option is best for yours?"; then...

• "What option seems best for the long-term health of our relationship?", and then...

• "What's best long term for our kids and other key people?"

If both mates can't adopt this scheme consistently - RED LIGHT!

      To create the best chance for successful nuptial events, take these...

Pre-planning Steps

       Because of stepfamily complexities, thoughtful wedding planning is more important than in first nuptials. Use this checklist after your dating turns "serious"...

__ 1)  Evaluate honestly whether either of you is a Grown Wounded Child (GWC). If so, patient wound-reduction should be among your highest personal and joint  priorities. Lesson 1 here provides a way  to do this. Also evaluate other key stepfamily adults for significant psychological wounds. Divorce usually indicates them in ancestors and prior mates.

__  2)  Agree that "we are a stepfamily" vs. "just a (bio)family." Then draw a multi-generational family diagram to identify who belongs to your stepfamily. Include every living and dead adult and child that each stepchild includes as "my family." Use this article to resolve any membership disputes.

__  3)  Mates make major progress together on self-improvement Lessons 1-7 before deciding to commit. Augment this by reading and discussing several books on stepfamily life. Then Each mate invest time and energy...

• reviewing and discussing these stepfamily myths and realities, s

• assessing for any of these, and then...

• answering these key questions honestly.

Ignoring these three steps suggests well-meaning false selves are making your decisions. That risks your vows and dreams going unfulfilled over future years and possible psychological or legal re/divorce trauma for all of you..

      If you ignore these three steps, you risk planning your wedding using inappropriate biofamily norms and expectations - and regretting it.

       More vital pre-planning steps...

__  4)  Agree on your mutual long-term priorities. If both of you mates aren't comfortable with the scheme above, expect significant stress before, during, and after your ceremony.

__  5)  Get clear together on...

• whether you see your union as joining two people, two or more homes, three or more families, or all of these. "All of these" is the normal reality. Acknowledging this will affect...

• how you mates define "a successful wedding," and...

• who's responsible for the success of your wedding, reception, and honeymoon; and...

• who you want to help you plan these - e.g. your kids, your parents, key siblings, any ex mates, and perhaps a professional consultant.

__  6)  Tell kids and others months in advance of your plan to commit. Expect many questions and a range of reactions. If kids seem resistant or unsupportive, listen to them, vs. trying to reassure or persuade them. Bioparents, expect your kids to test who comes first with you - them, your new mate, or any stepsiblings. When they test, explain your priorities to them (above) and expect "resistance."

__  7)  Create several chances for members of all three co-parents' biofamilies to meet each other socially, including kids. The more such meetings, the lower the odds of awkwardness and discomfort at your wedding gatherings - unless some kinfolk are burdened with some of these common stressors..

__  8)  Invite key family adults and supporters to read and discuss at least the articles in the box at the top of this article. The best option is to have them study and discuss Lesson 7, for all your sakes. One of five major stepfamily hazards is ignorance!

Do these pre-planning steps seem useful and reasonable or "unnecessary"? Because most U.S. stepfamily re/marriages fail psychologically or legally, these steps are as vital as a careful pre-flight check for jumbo-jet pilots.

      After progressing on these steps, you partners and your supporters are ready to design a satisfying commitment celebration!

  Celebration-Planning Options

      High-tech cameras will probably capture many of your shower, wedding, reception, and honeymoon sights and sounds. How often you review these in future years, with whom, and whether reviewing brings you fond or painful memories all depend on how well prepared you partners were to plan your celebration. 

      The ideas below focus on aspects of nuptial planning that are unique to, and often conflictual in, typical multi-generational stepfamilies.

      First, you partners help each other assess honestly "Who's leading our planning process - our wise true Selves, or other well-meaning subselves?" The latter are likely to skew and sabotage your plans. Then...

      Read and discuss these ideas about evaluating stepfamily advice. Then...

      Ensure that each of your planners...

__  accepts your stepfamily identity and what it means;

__  understands clearly how to identify and resolve values, stepfamily membership, and loyalty conflicts, and relationship triangles. Then ensure that...

__  everyone understands these hazards, and __  what you mates' long-term priorities are, and __ why you choose them. 

Key Questions

      Thoroughly discuss seven or more complex re/wedding decisions and negotiate mutually-acceptable compromises on:

• Who shall we ask to officiate at our wedding?

• How shall I design my vows?

• How do we want to word our wedding invitation?

• Should anyone change their last name?

• Do either of us want to include existing kids in our ceremony and other gatherings?

• Do you and/or I need to invite the kids' other bioparent/s to our ceremony? To our reception?

• Which of my and/or your kids' relatives should we invite to each of our gatherings before, during, and after the ceremony?

      Let's look at each of these questions...

Q1 - Who shall we ask to officiate at our wedding?

      Whatever your religious or spiritual faith is, your best choice for a facilitator is someone who is familiar with divorced families and stepfamily re/marriages. This is specially true if you seek pre-re/marital counseling (which I strongly recommend).

      Clergy who don't know stepfamily realities may give you inappropriate (biofamily-based) advice on celebration planning and vows. See these options for selecting a knowledgeable guide.
 

Q2 - How shall I design my vows? Who's making my vows - my true Self, or ''someone else''? Who's making your vows? Are we making joint vows, individual pledges, or both?

      My experience as a veteran stepfamily therapist suggests that the two biggest reasons that most  U.S. re/marriages fail are mates' unawareness and unrecognized psychological wounds. If either of you partners isn't sure your true Selves are guiding you, defer all wedding plans for your and your kids' sakes, and work on Lesson 1 together.

      Then study Lesson 7. The best time to do these is before you exchange vows! Your relatives and supporters will probably not understand the importance of these Lessons and may pooh-pooh them. Don't listen!

      Unlike first marriers, you mates  are each committing to...

yourself and your partner, and... your Higher Power, if any; and... one or more minor and/or grown kids, and... the kids' other co-parent/s, and... any "ours" children you new mates conceive, and...

any new mates the other co-parent/s have or will choose, and... their existing and future kids, if any; and... each relative you and/or your kids deem as "important," including "ex in-laws."

      Your and their attitudes and actions will affect each of you for many years. This justifies thoughtful meditation on what you want your nuptial vows and actions to express.

      Avoid future regret and guilt from breaking a well-meant vow to love your stepkids "like my own." Genuine love may develop over some years of living together or it may never occur. Work towards mutual respect and friendship - love may be a bonus. A better option is to say something like "...and (stepchild name), I pledge to respect, protect, and nurture you across our coming years to the best of my ability."

      Option - as part of your vows, read your stepfamily mission (vision) statement together. This can invite everyone to think about what they're trying to do with their family. Win-win!

      Another important planning decision is...
 

Q3 - How should we word our wedding invitation?

      Because you have members of three or more multi-generational biofamilies to consider, traditional invitation text may not express what you want - or what's real. For instance, you two might want to say "Please join us in celebrating our love and commitment, and the founding of our stepfamily" (or "... the blending of our families and futures," or... )

       Your nuptial announcements and invitations are a rare chance for you to publicly affirm your migration from biofamily to stepfamily. People who aren't aware of stepfamily realities and/or who want to avoid them may be uncomfortable if you two choose such a declaration. Long-term, it's better to know that and seek to admit and reduce the discomfort over time.

      If you don't acknowledge your new stepfamily identity in print and in your vows, you imply to your guests that this is pretty similar to a traditional (first) wedding. Personally, legally, and spiritually, it is similar. From a family-system perspective, you're planning a stepfamily wedding. They are very different!

      Declaring your stepfamily identity in your wedding invitations, programs, social media, and newspaper announcements will help you recognize people who resist this reality. This can help you two choose people best able to support you as you encounter your mix of alien stepfamily problems over the coming years.

      If you affirm your new stepfamily identity in your invitations and announcements, expect raised eyebrows, puzzlement, kidding, c/overt criticism, or indifference. Well-intentioned supporters who focus only on wedding-ceremony success rather than long-term stepfamily success may counsel you against such an affirmation. View such reactions as normal stepfamily unawareness, and don't comply!

      Reminder - as you negotiate decisions on these complex questions, help each other stay aware of your long-term goal - to evolve a high-nurturance ("functional") stepfamily together to protect your descendents from the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle.

      Another re/marriage-planning question to negotiate is...
 

Q4 - Should anyone change their last name?

      If a single mom takes her new husband's last name, it will differ from her existing kids' name - unless all agree that the stepdad will legally adopt his stepkids (which is not the norm). Typical biofathers and some kids and/or relatives oppose this.

      Different last names can cause unexpected confusions in social and medical situations and kids' school conferences ("You're Serena's biological Mother? I thought...") Former and new wives with the same last name can also cause awkward misunderstandings ("No, I'm Norman's second wife.")

      Changing your last name will require altering legal documents like driver's licenses, voter registrations, wills, credit cards; medical records, bank, social security, and insurance accounts, parenting agreements, and loan contracts. These may need changing anyway, if you move into a new home.

      Kids, ex mates, grandparents, adult siblings, and others can have strong opinions about whether a re/marrying mother should change her last name. This can promote major values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles among everyone. So - discuss this issue well in advance with each child and adult affected, and use your marital priority scheme to decide together.

      For more perspective on stepfamily names, see this after you finish here.

      The next set of challenging nuptial-planning questions is...

Q5 - Do either of us need to include existing kids in our ceremony and/or other gatherings? If so, how? Does each child want to participate? What if some of us disagree on this?

      Answering these questions honestly requires each of you partners to use your priorities to weigh many factors  Common problems include...

• you mates may disagree on if and how to have kids participate;

• one or more kids may not want to participate, or may feel major anxiety, guilt, and ambivalence;

• relatives (e.g. grandparents) may have strong opinions for or against; and

• a child and their other bioparent may disagree.

      Including kids in your vows and your nuptials demonstrates that this is a stepfamily commitment ceremony, not just a re/marital one. 

      Whatever mix of problems you encounter,

• key: keep your true Selves in charge;

• choose a long-range view and use your shared marital priorities to guide you;

• grow your competence and confidence at spotting and handling loyalty and values conflicts and relationship triangles. You will encounter several of these in making each of your nuptial questions; and...

• Use respectful empathic listening to poll adults' and kids needs and opinions on this issue. Give everyone plenty of time to weigh and discuss kids' participation with each other - and retain the right to make the final decision as a couple without guilt;

• don't force unwilling kids to participate or try to please everyone!

      Don't assume that adult kids will be "mature" about your wedding celebration and commitment. If they've inherited psychological wounds and/or haven't grieved their losses well enough, they may be resentful, hostile, critical, "indifferent," :"disinterested," angry, and/or "depressed."

      They may subtly or openly reject their new stepparent, stepsiblings, and/or step-kin - specially if a child is aligned with their other bioparent. If they've repressed or disguised their real attitudes and loyalties. the wedding will probably force them to disclose them.

      Be alert to how your respective parents feel about your youngsters taking an active part in the nuptial festivities. The seniors may have unrealistic expectations of you and the kids unless they've accepted that you're forming a stepfamily, and have begun learning stepfamily basics and realities (Lesson 7).

      If both you mates have kids, their respective grandparents may show or imply favoritism for their blood descendents over "those other children." See this article on relatives' favoritism for more perspective and options.

      As you see, including your kids in your celebration is not a trivial decision - so begin discussing this planning decision with everyone - including ex mates - early in your planning!

      Another complex planning decision that first-marriers don't face is...
 

Q6 -  How shall we include the kids' other bioparent/s and their relatives?

      This becomes a group of questions, like...

• Do we mates each genuinely accept that our kids' "other (bio)parents" and their relatives - and any new partner/s and stepkids - are full members of our stepfamily?

• Should we invite the kids' other bioparent/s to our ceremony? To our reception?

• Where should s/he (and any new partner) sit?

• What if s/he declines? What if s/he accepts?

• Should s/he (or they) be acknowledged in the ceremony? Participate in it?

• Either way, what do each of our kids and relatives need about these questions?

• Who's needs come first with us here?

      Notice your thoughts and feelings right now. Discuss one question at a time, using a long-range view, your stepfamily mission statement, your Bill of personal Rights, and these wise guidelines.

      If either of you have significant problems with your kids' other parent/s, then debating if and how to include them your nuptials can foster major loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles among you all. 

       Use the sample pros and cons below to help you planners move toward balanced compromises and decisions on these questions..

We Should Invite Your and/or My (Co-parenting) Ex Mate Because...  

It says clearly that we respect her or him (and any new partners) as dignified adults who will affect our stepfamily life for many years;

It affirms their membership in our stepfamily as worthy co-parenting partners;

It may lower the odds one or more kids will be stressed by major loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles;

It will signal the kids' relatives that we respect the other co-parent/s as worthy contributors to our new stepfamily despite past and present conflicts;

It may help us reduce existing relationship barriers that hinder the long-term co-parenting teamwork we all need;

We'll probably have very few chances to all gather together. Inviting the kids' other co-parents can help us build the stepfamily unity, bonding, pride, and harmony that we all want;  and...

Inviting my / your ex mate may positively affect how their and our other relatives feel about supporting and celebrating with us; and...

Including them signifies publicly, in the ex mate/s' presence, that we affirm and honor her / his / their relationships with their children, and that we wish to support and nurture those relationships despite past or current disagreements;

(add your own pro's...)

         On the other hand...

We Should Not Invite Your and/or My (Co-parenting) Ex Mate/s Because...  

Inviting him / her / them may send the message that we condone some attitudes, values, or actions that we really don't accept or condone;

Some other adults or child(ren) feel too angry or hurt to treat the ex mate/s civilly, which would increase existing barriers and mar our ceremony;

S/He and/or their new partner don't belong to our new stepfamily. If one or both of you partners believes this, read this;

If we invite my/your ex mate, one or more relatives would be outraged / critical / alarmed / not attend...;

Their other bioparent's presence at our celebration would be too painful or confusing for your / my child(ren), or it will raise or prolong their hope of a biofamily reunion that will never happen; 

I don't want your (or my) ex-mate's new partner / stepkids / steprelatives to participate. Do you know why?;

Inviting my/your ex mate is too painful a reminder of past hurt, loss, and conflict (a probable symptom of incomplete grief);

S/He'll take our invitation to mean that s/he's forgiven, when (I am) (you / we are) not ready to do that yet;

(other cons) 

      The point: thoroughly explore the long term pros and cons of inviting your kids' other co-parents to part or all of your nuptial celebration. Work to identify what each person needs, and seek acceptable compromises. As you do, note your priorities in action, and help each other spot and resolve divisive values and loyalty conflicts and triangles. 

      Because including your ex mate/s in your nuptials by name or in person is probably an emotionally-complex decision, help each other avoid acting on impulse (i.e. from your false self), and doing black/white thinking - i.e. seeing only two alternatives. You partners probably have many options here, like inviting your ex/es to your reception, but not your ceremony, or vice versa.

      A last set of planning questions unique to your stepfamily wedding is...

       More specifically...

• Which of my kids' relatives (e.g. my ex-mate's biofamily) should we invite to the shower / dinner / ceremony / reception?

• Which of your children's relatives?

• What if they don't come? What if they do come?

• Who's needs rank highest in answering these questions?

• Are our true Selves deciding these questions?

      If  you mates disagree on your answers, you have one or more values conflicts to negotiate. Note that the social conventions you're all use to were probably designed to fit first-wedding norms and traditions, not stepfamily re/weddings. Consider these guidelines to help you find acceptable compromises in any  conflicts.:

      "Will inviting this relative...

• enhance my integrity and self respect?"  and...

• strengthen our primary relationship long term?;" and...

• help fill the primary needs of each child affected by our re/marriage?"; and...

• enhance the long term bonding and nurturance level of our extended stepfamily?

      The more confidently you can answer "yes" to each of these, the more likely you'll feel good in the future that you invited this relative to your celebration. For more perspective on step-relatives, read this article when you're done here.

      The last nuptial challenge you and your kids have is...

Planning Your Honeymoon

      An ideal honeymoon allows a new couple to rest after their hectic wedding activities, relish their commitment-celebration experience, and enjoy intimacy without distraction.

      The needs of dependent kids and their other bioparent/s make stepfamily honeymoon-planning complex. Depending on how many kids there are, how old they are, money, legal parenting and custody agreements, and other factors, typical re/marrying couples choose between five options

Accept that current money, parenting, and work responsibilities make any kind of honeymoon impractical for now, and agree "We don't need one;" or new spouses can...

make complex arrangements to ensure minor kids are safe, and enjoy a token (e.g. a local motel) or a classic honeymoon alone together. If that's not feasible, new partners...

bring one or more kids along on a honeymoon trip - perhaps vowing a lovers-only trip in the future; or couples may...

plan a two-part trip, first with minor children, then alone - or vice versa; or new spouses may...

defer a honeymoon until money, kids, work, and other factors allow it.

      Because many people are involved, choosing among these options usually causes values and loyalty conflicts. Your honeymoon discussions will illustrate who comes first with each of you - your Self, your relationship, your kids, or someone else. This may be one of the first times custodial minor kids really experience being ranked "second place" to their new stepparent.

      Whichever honeymoon option you pick, you can expect some friends or family members to criticize your decision. ("You newlyweds are taking Allen and Rosa with you to Aruba? Aren't your priorities a little wacko?") Such people probably  discount your stepfamily identity and/or they don't know what it means.

Resources

Stepfamily Courtship - make three right re/marriage choices, by Peter Gerlach, MSW; Xlibris.com, 2002. Also useful for re/wedded couples.

Key Questions and Answers, and resources for courting and re/married co-parents (this site)

The Family Medallion offers some beautiful wedding options to include kids and others in a re/wedding ceremony.

Bride Again - An A to Z Guide, by Beth Ramirez; New Horizons Press, 2005 

Weddings, A Family Affair: The New Etiquette for Second Marriages and Couples with Divorced Parents, by Margorie Engel, Ph.D.; Wilshire Publications, 1998. Margorie is a veteran stepfamily co-parent, educator, and was the dedicated president of the Stepfamily Association of America (SAA).

How to Plan an Elegant Second Wedding: Achieving the Wedding You Want With Grace and Style; by Julie Weingarden Dubin; Prima Publishing, 2002

A sample blended-family wedding service

      Only Stepfamily Courtship offers specific protections against five hazards that combine to promote widespread re/divorce.

 Recap

      This article is for re/marrying couples with one or more kids who have studied (a) Lessons 1 thru 7 in order to choose the right people to commit to, for the right reasons, at the right time. and (b) these common courtship danger signs.

      The article exists because typical stepfamily weddings are far more complex and conflictual than traditional (first-union) nuptials, and there is little informed guidance available for couples and supporters.

• illustrates complexities unique to stepfamily weddings;

• defines a "successful" wedding, and hilights the mosaic of personal, couple, and family-member needs that shape "success;"

• offers pre-planning steps to help create a successful celebration;

• explores seven sets of complex planning questions unique to typical stepfamily re/weddings;

• summarizes five common honeymoon options; and...

• provides selected resources.

      Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self or ''someone else''?

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