Lesson 7 of 7  - evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily

How Typical Stepfamily
Life Cycles Differ from
Intact-biofamily Cycles

What these Differences Mean

 By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/sf/basics/devel_cycles.htm

Updated  04/29/2015

      Clicking underlined links here will open a new window. Other links will  open an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If your playback device doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display. Follow underlined links after finishing this article to avoid getting lost.        

      This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents in a divorcing biofamily, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

      This article illustrates the extra developmental stages that typical stepfamilies traverse over time, compared to intact biofamilies. These stages add to over 70 structural and dynamic differences between these two normal types of family. The article assumes you're familiar with...

  • the intro to this nonprofit web site and the premises underlying it   

  • self-study Lessons 1 thru 6

  • stepfamily Q&A and facts

  • how typical stepfamilies develop
     

  Comparison

      While every family is unique, they all move through common developmental stages over time. Family life-cycles start when couples commit and end when the last mate dies. If they have children, the adult kids choose mates and begin their own family cycle before their parents die.

      Each developmental stage can cause significant changes, conflicts, and losses ("stress") for all family members. The summary below shows that a typical stepfamily's life-cycle has many more stages to negotiate - and more chances for stress and loss - than intact biofamilies.

Key intact-biofamily
 life-cycle events

Key stepfamily
 life-cycle events

  • Every minor child negotiates a series of developmental tasks - or doesn't;

  • Each child develops a unique personality, shaped by the wholistic health, knowledge, and resources of their caregivers. Children...

  • go to school/s and learn how to learn

  • (usually) leave home to live independently

  • start work and a career

  • acquire and maintain a dwelling, assets, and debts, over time

  • form friendships and trial relationships

  • court > commit > wed and/or cohabit

  • (often) bear children and adapt to many lifestyle adjustments

  • evolve and stabilize family goals, roles, rules, rituals, and boundaries, and...

  • form and stabilize a social network

  • each committed partner (mate) goes through a version of the events to the left. Exception: one partner's first marriage may be to a divorced or widowed bioparent.

 



 

 

 



 

  • marital problem-solving over time > possible counseling and/or breaking denials of childhood neglect and psychological wounds > begin personal recovery (uncommon before mid-life)



 





  • marital problem-solving over time > possible counseling and/or breaking adult denials of childhood neglect and psychological wounds > begin personal recovery (uncommon before mid-life)

  • psychological > legal divorce > many child and adult losses, adjustments, and conflicts

  • (maybe) begin grieving divorce losses

  • new relationships > courtship/s (one or both ex mates)

  • re/commitment > re/wedding > cohabiting

  • co-parents merge, negotiate, and stabilize new roles, rules, boundaries, and routines with ex mates, kids, and relatives

  • co-parents help each other grieve re/marriage and cohabiting losses, or repress and deny them over several years;

  • middle-age shifts in goals, priorities, and activities; death becomes more real > possibly plan for retirement
  • middle-age shifts in goals, priorities, and activities; death becomes more real > possibly plan for retirement

  • co-parents try to resolve stepfamily conflicts, barriers, frustrations, and disillusion-ments - or they repress, avoid, and deny these over some years;

  • possible: partners get in/effective support.

  • re/marriage stabilizes and grows, or decays - the children are affected either way

  • kids leave for college or independent living > many "empty-nest" losses (broken bonds) and adjustments, which stress and/or relieve the marriage

  • adult kids experiment with relationships, work, careers (ongoing)

  • adult kids court > commit > cohabit

  • adult kids conceive and give birth to grandkids; all members evolve new roles, rules, and rituals and adjust, over some years

  • kids leave for college or independent living > many "empty-nest" losses (broken bonds) and adjustments which stress and/or relieve the re/marriage

  • adult kids experiment with relationships, work, and careers (ongoing)

  • adult kids court > commit > cohabit

  • adult kids conceive and give birth to grandkids > all members evolve new roles, rules, and rituals, and adjust over some years

  • possible: one or more ex mates re/weds, with or without stepkids > many adjustment tasks take four or more years to stabilize

  • possible: re/marital or stepfamily counseling: effective or not > family relationships and bonding improves or weakens over time.

  • probable: psychological or legal separation and re/divorce > grieve many new losses and adjust roles, rules, and rituals.

  • each mate's parents retire > may relocate > become infirm, and die somewhere in mid-cycle; > adult children and grandkids grieve, accept, and stabilize - or they don't

  • old-age stresses, losses > grieving or repression > many adjustments



  • one mate dies, and surviving family members grieve and adjust (or don't)

  • the other mate becomes infirm and/or dies, and the surviving members grieve and adjust (or don't), and continue their life cycles...
  • each mate's and ex-mate's parents retire > may relocate > become infirm, and die somewhere in mid-cycle; > adult children and grandkids grieve and stabilize - or they don't.

  • old-age stresses, losses > grieving or repression > many adjustments

  • one or more ex mates die, and surviving family members grieve and adjust (or don't)

  • one mate dies, and surviving family members grieve and adjust (or don't)

  • the other mate becomes infirm and/or dies, and the surviving members grieve, adjust, and continue their life cycles...

      The order of some events varies between families, but the events are common to all families. Ceaseless personal and environmental change throughout each multi-decade cycle forces the whole multigenerational family system, to constantly adjust and restabilize its goals, roles, rules, rituals, membership, identity, and boundaries.

      Pause and notice what you think and feel now.

 So What?

      This comparison shows that typical stepfamily adults and children have many more life-cycle events to negotiate than peers in average intact biofamilies. Though every family is unique, some universal implications are that average stepfamily members...

Have more changes to adapt to in their life spans. Change promotes local or prolonged stress (anxiety, confusion, frustration, conflict, and losses) in persons and groups - specially if many changes occur close together, and/or people are unable to adapt well.

      And typical step-people...

have a higher need to communicate effectively to help each other negotiate their extra development tasks and stages effectively over time. That's why self-study Lesson 2 exists here, though all adults and kids need these seven relationship skills!

need to grieve more losses (broken bonds) more often than typical intact-biofamily members. American society discounts the importance of grieving, so incomplete grief is one of five common family stressors. That's why self-study Lesson 3 exists in this site;

      And also...

typical minor stepkids may have a harder time filling their developmental needs, because several sets of concurrent family-adjustment needs are imposed on them. That raises the odds that without informed adult and professional help, they may (a) grow up to make unwise marital and child-conception choices and (b) spread their ancestral cycle of low family nurturance and psychological wounding. And...

because these many life-cycle events affect more people (three or more biofamilies), average stepfamilies have a higher need than intact biofamilies to develop...

  • effective, informed leadership with...

  • achievable long-term family goals, and...

  • effective teamwork among all adults and their supporters.

      This usually requires all co-parents wanting to admit and reduce significant psychological wounds and divorce-related teamwork barriers. Lessons 1 and 4 provide perspective, options, and effective resources to do this together.

      Collectively, these implications mean at least two more things:

      It's essential that stepfamily co-parents, relatives, and supporters (a) acknowledge that they are a stepfamily, and then (b) learn what that identity means. Otherwise they risk trying to negotiate these complex extra life-cycle events using unrealistic (biofamily-based) role and relationship expectations. Whether co-parents do this or not, the overarching implication of all the above is...

...typical stepfamily co-parents and their dependent kids are at higher risk of eventual psychological or legal re/divorce and passing on ancestral unawareness and wounds than first-married mates.

Recap

      This article exists to help correct the common misconception that average stepfamilies are "pretty much like" intact biofamilies. In some ways, they are. In over 70 other ways, they're as different as a camel from a house cat.

      This article illustrates how average stepfamilies have to negotiate many more life-cycle phases across their years than typical intact biofamilies do. This means most stepfamily adults and kids will experience more significant role and relationship problems than their biofamily peers. That means that without informed education and healing, stepfamily members are at higher risk of psychological and legal (re)divorce.

      Based on 36 years clinical research, the free self-study Lessons in this Web site can help stepfamily adults avoid stress, loss, and re/divorce; and guard their descendents against inheriting the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle.

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      Pause, breathe, and note your reactions to what you just read. Then recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss this article and its implications with? Who's answering these questions - your wise true Self (capital "S") or ''someone else'?'

For more awareness, study this companion article about how typical stepfamilies evolve toward one of three possible outcomes. Then continue studying Lesson 7.

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