The Web
address of this quiz is https://sfhelp.org/sf/quiz7.htm
Updated
06/05/2015
Clicking underlined links here will open a
new window. Other links will open an informational popup,
so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
If your playback device doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display.
Follow underlined links after
finishing this article to avoid getting lost.
If you're in
a stepfamily, please help me improve Lesson 7
by taking this brief anonymous
survey.
This is one of a series of
Lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in
re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may
be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means
both bioparents or any of the
three or more related stepparents and bioparents managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily
This quiz assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this nonprofit site and the premises
underlying it
From
36 years'
experience as a family-systems therapist, I propose that one of
five reasons
for stepfamily stress and
(re)divorce is lay and professional
unawareness
ofkeypersonal, relationship, and family
topics.
This quiz offers a way for you to assess how much you know about
stepfamilies, and to link you with practical answers you can
tailor fit to your unique needs.
"Scoring" here is less important than your motivation to learn, andhow you use your
stepfamily knowledge...
To set the stage, view this 2-part video on stepfamilies. The video mentions eight lessons in this self-improvement Web site - I've reduced that to seven.
Prepare to Learn
Print this quiz and have
something to write with.
You'll need some blank paper to note some answers
Find a quiet place and reserve
at least 45-60" to respond to these items;
Adopt the curiosity
and open
mind of a student, and expect to learn useful things from this experience;
Check to see if your
true Self guides your other
personality subselves now. If not,
try to
free your Self to lead, or expect skewed results from this quiz. See
Lesson 1.
For fun, guess which of
these you'll feel when you finish this quiz:
_ I knew nothing about
stepfamilies
_ I knew less than I
thought I did
_ I knew about what I thought I
did
_ I knew more than I
realized
_ I know
all I need to know about stepfamilies now.
As you answer these items,
reflect on how other family adults and supporters would respond to _ each
item and _ taking this quiz.
Check an item only if you can
confidently check each sub-item. To avoid distraction,
Don't follow any underlined links until
you've finished the quiz. Then go back and research each
unchecked item. Take your time - this is like a college course!
Options
try answering these
items out loud to someone you trust, or to an imaginary group of high-school
seniors. Otherwise, write your answers on a separate piece of paper.
Avoid vague generalities
("stepfamilies are just more stressful...") and be as specific as you can
["...because they (name explicit reasons)."]
Identify _ an intact biofamily
and _ an existing stepfamily you know, and think of them with each
item below.
Journal
your reactions to taking this quiz as you go, or soon after
finishing. Your thoughts and feelings are as important as the
answers!
Complete online Lessons 1
thru 7, and retake this quiz to validate how much you've learned!
Foundations
__ This stepfamily quiz builds on your ability to "pass"...
_ this
quiz about personalities and
psychological wounds (Lesson 1); and...
_ this
quiz about bonding, losses, and
grieving (Lesson 3); and...
_ this
quiz about healthy relationships
(Lesson 4): and...
_ the moment in time when a
typical stepfamily "begins."
__ Namefive reasons why typical U.S. stepfamilies
experience
significant stresses, are significantly low-nurturance systems, and often
re/divorce psychologically or legally.
_ at
least 10 of the ~15
family roles that typical
new stepfamily members must negotiate and agree on.
__ 3) Describe _ a (step)family
mission statement, and
_ why stepfamily co-parents making and using one is usually more
important than in intact biofamilies.
__ 4) Name
_ at least 20 of the ~60 common
mythsthat lay people and many professionals
believe about stepfamilies, and
_ what their corresponding
realities usually are.
__ 5) Describe why adults ignoring or minimizing their
stepfamily-identity may
promote escalating stress in and between their co-parenting homes.
__ 6) Name at least three
signs that an adult or child has really
accepted their stepfamily identity.
__ 7) Describe _ what
"family
membership" means, and _ the specific risks of excluding a stepchild's "other (bio)parent" from
full
stepfamily membership.
__ 8) Explain why _ it's
highly unlikely that
typical stepfamily
members will ever meet people in a similarly-structured stepfamily, and
_ what
this usually means to them.
__ 9) Name at least six ways that typical
stepfamilies are
just like average intact
biofamilies.
__ 10) Name at least 15 of the ~35 ways
average stepfamilies differ structurallyfrom intact biofamilies;
__ 11) Identify at least 10
of the 16 categories of things average stepfamily adults and kids must begin
merging when
two co-parents commit to each other and/or cohabit during serious courtship.
__ 12)Name at least 15 of the ~30
adjustment tasks that typical new-stepfamily adults must
complete, starting in serious courtship.
__ 14) Describe at least three
benefits of belonging to a
high-nurturance stepfamily compared to an intact or divorcing biofamily.
Stepfamily
Courtship
__ 15) Describe _ three phases of
a typical
divorce, and
_ why it can take up to 15 or more years for some adults and kids to
fully adjust to personal and family reorganization from divorce.
__ 16) Name at least 10 common
losses that adults and
kid must grieve from _ biofamily divorce and _ from a bioparent's
choosing a new partner and cohabiting with them.
__ 17) Name at least six ways
stepfamily courtship
differs from traditional dating between two never-married partners.
__ 18) Name at least eight traits
of the right partner to re/commit to. The
"/" notes that it may be a
stepparent's first union.
__ 19) Name at least five of the
right reasons to re/commit and form or
join a stepfamily.
__ 20) Name at least eight indicators
it's the right time to re/commit and form or
join a stepfamily.
__ 21)Name at least six
stepfamily-courtship danger signs.
Pause, breathe, and reflect
- what are you thinking and feeling, so far? Do you need a break
before finishing the quiz?
Co-parenting
__ 22)
Name the three or four sets of
adjustment needs that typical minor and
grown stepkids must fill over time with
informed adult help;
__ 24) Describe _ a co-parent
job description and _ why co-parents
negotiating and using them is
more important in
typical stepfamilies than in intact biofamilies.
...explain
_ why each of these stress typical
divorcing-family and stepfamily adults and kids,
and _
how
co-parents can resolve each of them effectively.
__ 26) Explain the paradox that
bioparents wanting to rank their dependent kids' needs
third in typical stepfamily conflicts
really puts the kids first, over time.
__ 27) Describe
_ at least five of the
nine typical
barriers to co-parenting cooperation between ex mates, stepparents, and key
relatives; and _ what these adults must do to reduce these barriers
for their kids' sakes.
__ 28) Describe at least four of
the requisites
for an effectiveparenting agreement
between divorcing bioparents.
__ 29) Describe _ what a "successful child
visitation" is, and _ at least
five
reasons why they're hard to achieve in
many divorcing families and stepfamilies.
__ 30) Define _
effective
child discipline, and _ at least 10
differences between
intact-biofamily discipline and child discipline in typical stepfamilies.
__ 31)Describe why
divorcing parents'
resorting to legal force to "win"
disputes over child support, visitation, or custody is always a lose-lose-lose choice long term.
__ 32) Describe _ at least three
things that stress typical co-grandparents in a stepfamily, and _ key options for reducing each of them.
Stepfamily
Support
__ 33) _ Define "effective stepfamily
support," and _ explain
three reasons
why most stepfamily adults
don't
seek or use it appropriately.
__34) Describe how to choose an effective stepfamily
counselor or therapist.
__ 35) Describe key criteria for
evaluating written and verbal stepfamily advice.
__ 36) Describe how to judge whether
stepfamily books or Web sites are useful or not.
Premise - informed or qualified stepfamily supporters
know most of these items. If you have used, or are
using, professional
help for your stepfamily (counselors, therapists, attorneys, mediators, clergy, and/or
coaches), how would they do on this quiz? How
would each of your relatives do? Your stepkids' other
bioparent/s?
Compare how you feel now to what you thought before taking this quiz...
_ I knew nothing about
stepfamilies
_ I knew less than I
thought I did
_ I knew about what I thought I
did
_ I know more than I
realized
_ I know
all I need to know about stepfamilies now.
Do you better understand my proposal that most (step)family
adults and
supporters "don't know what they don't know"? Their unawareness
and psychological
wounds promote these
common stressors and potential (re)divorce.
If you patiently study Lessons
1 thru 7 here, you should be able to answer these quiz items.
Then you're
really read to grow and enjoy high-nurturance stepfamily
relationships IF your co-parents' true Selves are free to
guide you
each! You're also ready to protect your
descendents from inheriting the lethal [wounds+ unawareness]
cycle.
Now What?
Consider options like these:
If you skipped some links, go back
and follow any of interest when you're undistracted.
If you want to ask other people to take and discuss this
quiz, (a) who are they, and (b)
why do you want
them to do this?
On a scale of 1 (little motivation)
to 10 (highly motivated), how motivated are you now to spend significant
time studying the answers to these quiz items? ___ Doing this with one or
more people (like your mate) can be more interesting, and probably more productive!
If
you're (ever) in a co-parent support group,
consider using these
quizzes as a framework for weekly
discussion topics and "homework." See
this for more options.
If you haven't yet, scan these
Questions
Co-parents Should Ask. They summarize and link to specific answers to most of the
items in these quizzes.
Study these useful
terms and phrases about families and
relationships, teach them to others, and use them to improve your
thinking and communication clarity and
outcomes.
Use the
quiz items
above as a
framework for educating your
children and relatives about your stepfamily. They don't know what they need to
know, and probably have confusions and misconceptions they can't articulate.
Give a copy of this quiz
to your kids' teachers, school counselors, and
coaches. They probably have many stepkids in their classrooms and
offices and maybe in their homes.
If you're a human-service
professional, see this article. Ifyou're a media professional
see this one.
If
protective
false selves dominate your
personality, you'll probably minimize or ignore your quiz results and
these options, or
postpone acting on them
- and
justify or
rationalize this as "OK."
Recap
The purpose
of this quiz is to alert stepfamily
members and interested others to the vital need for education. Inability to
answer these questions is part of the lethal [wounds +
unawareness]
cycle that
promotes most personal and social problems.
Online Lesson 7 here provides accurate information to help answer these quiz
items, based on my experience as stepgrandson, stepson, stepfather, and
stepbrother; and
36 years' as a
family-systems therapist.
Now meditate on these:
Right now I feel....
and I'm aware of...
and something I want to do
now is...
Pause, breathe, and recall why you took this quiz. Did you get what you
needed? If not - what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident
true Self (capital "S") or
''someone else''?
The Web
address of this quiz is https://sfhelp.org/sf/quiz7.htm
Foundations
Name at least eight traits
of the 