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Premise: typical affairs are caused by both mates and the third party being significantly wounded + unaware + needy + frustrated. Frustration sig-nals that key personal needs are unmet. An affair implies that (a) both mates made unwise commitment choices, and (b) don't know how to problem-solve - (meet respective partnership needs effectively.) Implication: people who choose affairs are not immoral, weak, shameful, selfish, sinful, or 'bad'. Condemnation of an unfaithful partner discounts the equal role of the "betrayed" mate, and amplifies guilt, shame, and antagon-isms. That inhibits forgiveness, grieving, and growth. Compassion and honest self-awareness are healthier choices. Restated: affairs suggest that all involved adults need to learn about the [wounds + ignorance] cycle, and take appropriate personal responsibility and action, rather than fight, argue, moan, accuse, rationalize, deny, explain, or avoid. Resistance to this idea ("Yes, but...") suggests a protective false self is in charge. Could that be true of you? |
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