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Do you know someone who constantly complains and whines? Would others say you do that? When overdone, these behaviors can be irritating and frustrating, and cause impatience, disrespect, and resentment. Chro-nic "whiners" focus on how bad and/or unfair things are. To avoid scary self-responsibility, they insist "It's not my fault!" and/or "I can't help it!", and make endless excuses for not asserting their needs and boundaries to relieve their discomforts. People who whine and complain excessively are often controlled by a personality subself that believes these behaviors protect the Shamed, Guilty, Scared, and/or other Inner Kids from painful risk, failure, scorn, and overwhelm. The Whiner / Complainer distrusts the resident true Self (capi-tal "S") and other Manager subselves to adequately protect these vulnera-ble inner kids. This earnest subself often teams up with other well-meaning Guardian-parts like the Skeptic / Pessimist, the Catastrophizer, the Entitled One, the Victim / Martyr, and/or the Worrier subselves to cause gloomy, pessi-mistic thoughts and feelings. If other people suggest solutions to the com-plaints, this subself quickly replies "Yes, but (that won't work because...)" to avoid responsibility for asserting primary needs. Family Lesson 1 in this nonprofit Web site offers practical ways to identify and harmonize personality subselves under the expert leadership of the wise true Self and other Managers. As this happens, excessive whining and complaining shift toward self-responsibility and effective as-sertion and problem-solving. more detail / Q&A / slides / Lesson-1 index and guidebook / close |
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