Improve your Human-service Effectiveness How to Introduce Parts-work
to Troubled PeopleBy Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council
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This article is one of a series on providing effective help to troubled persons, families, and groups. It offers insight and examples of how lay people can introduce the concept of "inner family" (parts) work to someone with significant psychological and/or relationship problems.
This article assumes you're familiar with:
Normal personality subselves and "inner families"
Q&A about personality parts (subselves)
How to handle skepticism about subselves.
Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) and what it means to be a GWC
How to do empathic listening and win-win problem-solving
Perspective
Think of the range of people you interact with now - family members, co-workers, neighbors, friends, church members and/or school mates (if any), and tradespeople. In talking with them, do any of these people bring up "problems" that are stressing them? When they do, how do you normally react?
describe a similar problem you have had (change the focus to you);
ask questions about their situation;
pretend interest and sympathy you don't really feel;
label their problem as tragic / outrageous / sad / unbelievable / unfair / etc.;
excuse yourself;
point out mistakes you think they're making and/or alternatives they're ignoring;
volunteer to help in some way; and/or...
try to help by suggesting resources and/or solutions. ("if I were you, I'd ...")
Can you think of other ways you respond to hearing another's problems? How does your response affect your self-respect?
Use these suggestions as a menu of possibilities, rather than a rigid cook-book process. Modify the steps to fit you as persons and the situations you're in. The objective here is to motivate a troubled person to learn more about parts work.
In General
When you experience someone with an immediate problem, follow your own judgment as to if and how to help. If the problem is complex and not urgent, meditate on steps like these before deciding to help or not:
1) When you become aware someone has a problem, check whether your true Self is guiding you. If not, you risk offering ineffective or even harmful advice. Practice freeing your Self to guide you.
2) Remind yourself of the difference between helping people solve their problems and showing them a way to solve their own problem. Recall the wise maxim
"It's better to teach a starving person how to fish than to give them a fish."
3) Keep the distinction between surface needs and underlying primary needs in mind. Option: illustrate and teach the other person this distinction and see if they agree with it.
4) When you feel clear on what they need, verify that with an respectful empathic-listening statement - e.g. "So you're feeling frustrated and angry because your mother is so self-centered and doesn't listen to you despite your protests."
5) Note that people may have several concurrent problems which may be overwhelming them. If so, verify each problem with empathic listening and ask the person which one they need to resolve first. Options -
ask the person to describe generally how they resolve "problems. and...
if they're usually able to identify and sort out several concurrent problems. If they're not, mentally note that for later.
Option - depending on their answers, refer the person to this article on problem-solving.
6) When your Self is guiding you, ask the person if they're open to learning an effective way of solving any personal or relationship (social) problem. Most people are curious.
7) Give them a summary description. For example:
"This way is based on the idea that normal personalities like yours are made up of a group of special "parts" or Subselves," like the members of a sports team or orchestra. In any situation, various combinations of these talented subselves determine your actions, thoughts, and feelings."
Ask the person's reaction. If it's something like "OK, that makes sense," go ahead. If they ask questions, use this and this as resources to answer them. If they're skeptical or cynical use these ideas.
Depending on your situation and relationship, choose one of these options:
Describe the functions and differences among the three types of subselves:
Inner kids know little of the world, are developmentally pre-birth to late teens. They are very reactive, naive, cause a specific strong emotion, may live in the past, and may not know or trust the resident true Self to lead wisely - so they may take the Self over.
Common Inner Kids: shamed / guilty / lonely / abandoned / lost / overwhelmed / resentful / frustrated / loving / obedient / sad / playful / curious / (over) responsible / victim / happy / brat / etc.
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