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This article is one of a series on
professional counseling, coaching, and therapy with (a) low-nurturance
(dysfunctional) families and with (b) typical
of childhood
and trauma. These articles for
professionals are under construction.
This series assumes you're familiar with:
Before continuing, pause and reflect - why are you reading this article?
What do you
need?
What's the Problem?
This clinical model is based on a systemic view of persons, relationships, and
families. A core premise here is that clients seek clinical help in order to
reduce some significant discomforts (surface "problems") in their lives. A
corollary is that in two-partner family systems, both adults need to want to
participate, for the best chance for
clinical outcomes. In typical low-nurturance relationships and
one mate is more motivated than the other to use clinical help.
This article offers experience-based perspective and suggestions to
marital and family counselors, therapists, supervisors, and case managers when
one mate (a) won't participate in clinical work, or (b) participates but remains
detached, ambivalent, or "resistant."
Before continuing, pause and reflect - why are you reading this article - what
do you need? Then decide who
that question - your
(capital "S") or "someone else." If the latter seems true, expect to get less
from reading these ideas. If you're currently working with a couple or family
where one partner "won't participate" in the work, keep them in compassionately
mind as you read this.
Perspective
Core premises - see if you agree with these proposals...
-
a high percentage of people in low-nurturance
("troubled") relationships and families suffer from psychological
they
from
wounded ancestors
-
Significantly-wounded, unaware adults repeatedly
choose wounded, ignorant partners - despite painful results. This usually
means one or both are burdened with excessive shame, guilt, fear, distrust,
and difficulty bonding and/or grieving broken bonds.
-
Common behavioral traits of typical
(GWCs) include...
-
learned helplessness (self distrust and fear
of personal responsibility);
-
chronic reality distortion, including
repressing, idealizing, minimizing, rationalizing, and denying;
and/or...
-
rigid independence, exaggerated senses of
self-competence, and rejection of outside help in resolving personal and
family problems ("We don't tell other people our family business!")
-
People have different tolerance-thresholds for
enduring discomforts (unfilled needs) before they act to admit and reduce
the discomforts. People with high thresholds can be describes as
"self-neglecting," martyrs, saints, and/or "bull-headed."
These
realities help to explain why one wo/man may seek professional help to reduce
personal, marital, and/or family problems, and their (wounded) mate is c/overtly
ambivalent or opposed to doing that. When this is true, it often sets up
conflicts in and between the mates that add to existing disputes. Do you agree?
If not, what are your premises about why typical mates differ in their
willingness to use clinical help to resolve significant personal and
relationship "problems"?
Clinical Options
How would you describe your usual reaction when one mate won't participate?
-
I accept that, and do what I can to facilitate
the active partner learning to identify and fill his or her needs
effectively; and/or...
-
I feel scorn, pity, and/or frustration about the
non-participating mate, and ally with the participating mate - and I
c/overtly express that to co-workers and/or the client; and/or...
-
I feel responsible for finding a c/overt way to
"hook" (persuade, motivate) the non-participating partner to join in the
work; and/or...
-
I feel confused and unsure of how to react, with
or without supervisory advice; and/or...
-
I use the
or equivalent to accept what I can and cannot control in this situation;
and/or...
-
I deny my feelings and thoughts about this
situation, and just "get on with it" (the work); and/or...
-
I design
my interventions to patiently raise the client-family's nurturance level via
facilitating healthy change in the participating mate; and/or...
-
I make some other unconscious or conscious
response to this situation.
Premise - if you define your client as the active mate's whole
rather than just the participating mate and/or members, the most effective
long-term response is hilighted above. If you advocate non-systemic clinical
service, and/or you have significant transference and/or
traits
(wounds), you'll probably have a different point of view.
Recap
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The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/pro/spl/one_mate.htm