This page continues an outline of
the third personal trait required to provide effective clinical service to
childhood trauma survivors and low-nurturance families - special clinical
skills. The prior page outlines skills needed for typical divorcing
families, courting-co-parent families, and stepfamilies with couples denying
major relationship problems.
This page outlines clinical skills
needed for stepfamily couples who admit relationship problems and are
motivated to reduce them, while managing other concurrent stepfamily
stressors. Recall that the "/" in re/marriage notes that it may be a
stepparent's first union.
4)
Clinical Skills Needed for
Effective Re/marital Work
To gain perspective on this section, first read these premises about
relationships,
re/marriage, and relationship
problems; these
questions and answers; and these
overviews of co-parent Projects 7 and
8.
From 25 years' experience, this clinical model suggests that typical
psychological or legal stepfamily re/divorces are caused by a mix of
To get the most from this section,
first read (a) these overviews of
Project 8, normal relationship needs,
and step-family re/marriage; and then
(b) scan
of articles on common re/marital problems in stepfamilies.
Typical presenting problems with these clients will be a mix of re/marital
and other stepfamily problems ranging from preventive to correctable to
terminal. If one or both mates have decided to re/divorce psychologically or
legally, see this.
If one or both mates or other family
members have committed to reduce psychological wounds, see
this.
What's Different about
Stepfamily Re/marriage?
From one perspective, stepfamily
re/marriage
is no different than a first marriage: each partner seeks to
steadily fill a mix of personal
by their union. However, the
re/marital environment in typical stepfamilies is far more stressful
than typical first marriages because...
-
One or both mates married and probably
divorced at least once before. This may raise their motivation to
change core attitudes and behaviors to avoid the trauma of another
dissolution.
-
Dead or alive, stepkids' "other bioparent"
and new partner (if any) and their relatives cause more
and
conflicts and associated relationship
than for typical first-married mates.
-
Stepfamily couples seeking help are often
approaching or in middle age (e.g. 35+), and some or all of their kids are teens or
young adults. Raising stepteens
can be more problematic than younger kids. Being middle aged may mean that mates are closer to admitting and
working to reduce psychological wounds from childhood trauma than younger
partners.
-
Often, one or both mates has have held
unrealistic expectations about their
stepfamily's
relationships,
development, and dynamics.
-
Typical stepfamily mates face more concurrent family-merger,
co-parenting, and other
than typical first-marriage couples. Unless the mates are well
prepared,
and guided by their respective
this often means they make too little
time to nourish their relationship.
-
Some couples may have triggered significant
relationship problems by having one or more
"ours" children
(half-siblings); and...
-
There is usually less empathy and
informed support in couple's
local community and the media than for
first-married mates.
|
With these complex, multi-problem stepfamilies,
effective clinical
work can be defined as "helping couples to (a)
want
to change recent
attitudes, and behaviors to fill
more of their respective relationship needs
while (b) accepting their stepfamily
and learning appropriate norms
and facts, and (c) managing other stepfamily
together; or to (d) accept that their re/marriage is not viable,
and begin to grieve and plan a
successful re/divorce." |
The best case occurs when re/marital stress promotes one or both
mates hitting
breaking protective
and starting to
significant false-self
In my experience, this is
the exception rather than the norm with these clients. If this happens,
the clinician needs these special skills.
To work effectively with these
complex multi-problem clients, clinicians need all the general and special skills above (and the
other requisites), and know if, how, and when to...
-
...adapt to the implications and limitations if the couple is
court-ordered to get mediation
and/or therapy;
-
...propose the [wounds + unawareness]
and the related common five re/marital
to the couple, and discuss how this relates to
their relationship and stepfamily;
-
...define, separate, prioritize, and stay
steadily focused on filling
unmet re/marital needs amidst a dynamic mosaic
of other concurrent stepfamily stressors; and...
-
...assess whether each partner's true
rank their relationship second or not, after personal health and
integrity. If not, know how and when to confront the couple with the
re/marital and co-parenting implications of this. And effective
clinicians need to know how, and when to...
-
...assess whether each mate's
are genuinely willing to make
to improve their relationship.
It this seems unlikely, review realistic
options and outcomes with the couple; and to ...
-
...(a) assess whether either mate's false-self
committed to wrong people in courtship (e.g. a significantly wounded,
unaware divorcing parents and kids). (b) If so, know if, how,
and when to
the couple with this opinion, and
that it may mean
their relationship isn't viable, long-term;
-
...facilitate the couple realistically
assessing whether their relationship is viable if they can learn
to manage other stepfamily stressors well enough, or if it is fundamentally not viable;
-
...shift comfortably between family, dyadic
(marital), and individual clinical modalities as needed;
-
...be
fluent with strategic use of other Project-8
interventions, including assessing for
and
-
...know
if, when, and how, to
present the concepts of significant false-self
and self-motivated
recovery from them. If one or both mates decide to recover, shift to
"type six" interventions.
-
...assess the couple's (a)
and (b) openness to learning to use Lesson-2
together, whether they stay together or not.
-
...
whether blocked grief may be a significant re/marital stressor, and if
so, review options for freeing it up
with the couple.
As
with the other five client types addressed by this model, this summary of
special requisite skills is illustrative, not comprehensive.
5) Extra
Clinical Skills Needed for
Re/divorcing Families
To gain perspective on this requisites section, first read these...
"Re/divorce"
is a mental/emotional/legal decision and/or an
unacknowledged psychological reality that may not have invoked the legal
system. Usually one mate seeks clinical help at this
stage rather than the couple.
Common presenting problems may include (a) the need to vent; (b) justifying the
decision to end the relationship, (c) easing depression (grief),
and/or situational
(d) helping kids grieve and adjust; and (e) clarifying "what went wrong?"
(part of mental grieving);
and/or (f) exploring reconciliation.
Persons of strong
religious (vs. spiritual) faith may also need to relieve excessive
and
over
(a) sinning or "breaking my covenant with God," and perhaps
(b) adapting to
disapproval and rejection by key pious relatives, friends, and/or their religious community.
Often, one or both re/divorcing mates are
(GWCs) in denial, and are unaware of this, why it's relevant, and/or what to
do about it. If the person was divorced before, s/he is confronted with (a)
being a middle-aged "two-time loser," (b) putting any kids through two
(or more) sets of losses and heartache, and (c) facing the
possible/probable horror of
being alone in old age.
|
With re/divorcing
client-families, effective clinical work can be defined
as (a) helping family members sort out and validate their
needs, feelings, and boundaries; (b) promoting appropriate
grieving and support in all stepfamily members, and (c) helping
the partners evolve and implement a realistic plan for a "successful
re/divorce," over time, within their limits.
|
For effective outcomes, clinicians need all the general and special skills
above, and these:
Continue with the third of
four requisites for effective service to trauma-survivors and divorcing-family and stepfamily
clients: special clinical skills.
+ + +
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Web address of this 4-page article is https://sfhelp.org/pro/req/skills.htm