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- evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily |
Sample Structural Maps of
Low-nurturance Stepfamilies
and
How
to Draw Your
Own Maps
p.3 of 5
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Experts Council
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Continued from p. 2
Typical Low-Nurturance ("Dysfunctional") Stepfamily Structures
Mapping a multi-home
stepfamilys structures is like using Lego-brand blocks. Many elements can
be combined to portray a great variety of household and family relationships. All these dysfunctional-structure elements apply here, plus new elements
occurring between related step-homes.
Stepfamily structures
shift over time from many things, like births or deaths; changes in custody,
residence, employment, finances, or location; re/marriages, re/divorces,
affairs, abortions or adoptions; adolescence; graduations and emancipations;
addictions, physical or emotional disabilities; and lots more.
Here are maps of some
low-nurturance
step-home (vs. whole stepfamily) emotional structures. Any look familiar?
These are only a few of the many possibilities:
SM //
x x x (BF1
(C1C2) |
SF || (C1+BM1)
- - - - - - - - - -
C2... C3 |
SF
BM1
- - - - -xxx
C1 C2 (C3 |
8)
Emotionally-absent, non- communicative custodial BioFather,
rejected / defied (frustrated) StepMother; Allied
resident stepkids |
9) BioMom
+ biochild C1 alliance, low-priority remarriage; StepFather
feels shut out; no effective home boundaries. |
10) Rigid StepFather
"dictator," excluded stepchild C3, BioMom
split
no adult problem- solving; Rigid household
boundaries. |
|
\\ (BF1 +++++++ BM1)
SM) - - - - -
- - -
- -
C1 ... C1
|
SM || BF1
xxxx---------
C1 ...C1 |
\\ (BM1+BGM1)
SF ) - - - - - - - - - -
C1... C3 |
11)
Custodial BioFather is
(emotionally-
undivorced) with ex mate BM1 via phone and visits; ineffective SM-BF1
problem-solving; Isolated, discounted StepMom |
12) No
effective co-parental
No boundaries; Distrust
and hostility between SM and her stepchild/ren; Kids feel
by both adults, anxious, needy, and angry or
depressed; |
13)
BioMom + resident bio- GrandMother alliance: StepFather
undermined, ignored, and withdrawn; Kids confused, anxious, rebellious. Grandma controls
boundaries. |
More
typical low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") stepfamily structural-map elements...
(BM1+O+SF)
- - x-x-x-x - -
C1 ... C1 |
DF1 || DM2
- - - - xxx - - -
(C1+C1)>>(C2 |
(SF+$)>>>
BM1) - - - - -
C1 ..C |
>>>BF1
-----
|
14) Favored Ours
child (above the line because her/his needs over-shape this household's
behavior); Resident half-siblings hurt and resentful, probably acting out; |
15)
Dual-role Fathers kids reject Dual-role
Mom's child C2 and he allows it. Resentful DM2 dislikes her stepkids; Blocked co-parental
communications, major loyalty conflict; |
16)
Dysfunctional two-home system: StepFather angry
over erratic child support; no problem solving; BioMom
paralyzed, detached; Kids trapped in the middle; |
SM
BF1>>>|
xxxx - - -
C1...C1 |
|<<< BM1
- - -
|
DF1 DM2 ||
-------------
C1 C2
|
|| C2
- - - - -
BF2 |
SF>> [BF2]+BM2
- - - - - - - - - - - -
C2 ... C2 |
17)
Two-home system; Emotionally unfinished divorce; kids in the middle, polarized,
rejecting SM; SM resentful, feels unsupported and 1-down; BF1
theyre a stepfamily, and their major
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18)
The "C2" kids are in split custody. Biodad BF2
is emotionally disabled (below the line), so resident C2
runs their house; Blocked intra- and inter-home
communications, so no effective
or problem solving; |
19)
BioMom BM2 hasn't mourned her first mate's death -
and cant help her kids do so; Her [dead husband] strongly affects
the decisions in this home; Stepdad is increasingly resentful.
Neither co-parent knows of these
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20) A full three-home, five co-parent, five child, two-structure
low-nurturance nuclear-stepfamily
map:
- - - - - - - - - - Before visitations - - - - - - - - - - - |
- - - - - - - - - - - During visitations - - - - - - -
- - |
Home 1 \\BM1>>>|
SF) - - - - -
C1 C1 |
Home 2 |<<DF1||
DM2>>|
- - - xxx- - -
O1-2 C2 |
Home 3 |>>BF2 C2
- - - - -
|
Home 1 (SF BM1)
- - - - - - -
|
Home
2 DF1||(DM2????
- - - || - - - -
[C1 C1] O1-2 |
Home 3 C2)
-------(BF2
C2 |
BM1 and ex mate DF1
are hostile and distrusting (aren't emotionally divorced), and can't problem solve. Both C1
kids often feel caught in the middle. StepFather often feels ignored and
powerless, and increasingly resentful;
Dual-role dad DF1
favors Ours-child O1-2 over resident stepchild C2;
Dual-role mom DM2 and her child C2 are resentful;
household communications are ineffective, so conflicts and distrusts are piling up;
Custodial biofather BF2
treats older biochild C2 as a confidant and buddy. DM2
and DF1 disapprove, and feel helpless.
All five kids often feel unsafe and
confused; Co-parents are often critical and defensive; little three-home unity or
teamwork.
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Now "kid-free," SF and BM1
reconnect
Over-guilty DF1 focuses on
his biokids C1 C1, who make demands;
DM2 and "ours"
child O1-2 feel left out and hurt, but mom doesn't say so. Frequent
adult arguing and blaming, instead of
and
effective
Dual-role mom DM2
and one stepchild C1 clash; Dual dad DF1
either withdraws or sides with his child, who feels powerful and anxious; DM2 and
O1-2 draw together;
BF2 withdraws emotionally,
leaving his C2 "buddy" to co-parent the visiting sibling; DM2
calls often to check up, instructing resident C2 on co-parenting the
visiting sib, and criticizing biofather BF2; Older child feels
responsible, powerful, and split. Younger child feels confused and anxious.
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There is much more to the dynamics in and between these three homes. This
two-part map shows key structural and communication elements. Two of the bioparents pay
lip-service to their
as a stepfamily, but none of the
five know what that
Note that none of the over
50 combined relatives in the five co-parents' biofamilies (the extended
stepfamily) are shown.
Over time, these
intra-home and inter-home dynamics shape everyone's expectations. Because there
is little co-parental stepfamily knowledge,
or teamwork, no stepfamily identity, unity and
pride develops, and resentments and stresses accumulate.
All five co-parents are
unrecovering
(GWCs) - and don't know
it. They have only hazy ideas of their kids many special needs,
and their related caregiving
Because of all this, the kids
(including "ours" child O1-2) are unconsciously
developing
like the adults. Several
are "acting out" in protest.
The point here is -
structural maps like this one can provide stepfamily co-parents and
supporters a concise, clear way of showing key responsibility,
relationship, and communication problems and strengths.
That helps co-parents agree on their
and
and enables measuring progress along the way.
Making Your Structural Map
Earlier pages show samples of the many ways multi-home
separated-biofamily, and stepfamily structures can be diagrammed. These illustrations have
shown only a few of the possibilities. Time to try your wings! Suggestions...
Try on the expectant attitude of "doing this
can help our re/marriage, home, kids, and step-family,"
rather than feeling anxious, defensiveness, or detached (indifferent). Catch the
con-structive spirit of these maps, and invent your own rules. Youre doing
this to help and please yourselves - no one else!
Structural maps work best after your three or more co-parents have made major progress on
co-parent
If you use the maps
with educators, counselors, clergy, or lawyers, it helps a lot if they have a working
knowledge of these stepfamily-building projects too.
Draw
your full stepfamily genogram first. Discuss it
with your co-parenting partners, toward agreeing on "Who do we
in our multi-home stepfamily?" If youre not yet clear on that, making
useful
structural maps will be hard or impossible.
If you or any of your co-parenting partners
need to deny or minimize that you are a multi-home
dont expect to get much help from any of these diagrams.
Stay focused. Bio, step, and other forms of family exist to
(a) conceive and foster
the healthy growth of dependent children; and (b) fill ongoing adult needs for love,
nurturance, procreation, companionship, shelter, comfort, and security.
Focus your
no-visitation and during-visitation maps on understanding how your stepfamily homes
emotional
structure affects filling each members' key
primary (vs. surface)
That implies that you're clear on what they are...
Take your time!
These diagrams are often complex, and can reveal insights and
validations only if you concentrate thoughtfully on them. Build them slowly and
deliberately, and theyll pay off for you all!
Draw these structural maps by yourself, not with your co-parenting partner/s.
Youll discover more! Expect your maps to evolve through trial and
discussion, rather than expecting to "get it right the first time." Keep a large
eraser handy, and sketch lightly until youve thought, mulled, and discussed
together, enough. False starts are great, here!
If you or a co-parenting partner feel reluctant to do this exercise,
thats a
helpful learning by itself. Id guess it means that you and/or they have
some
about your
present home or stepfamily that feel unsafe to confront right now.
Avoiding is a common coping skill we
(GWCs -
adults from low-nurturance childhoods) develop early in life to manage our inner
Unfortunately, the risk here is that deferring a painful stepfamily awareness often
means itll get worse, with time
As with
genograms, consider writing down any thoughts and
feelings that surface as you (a)
evolve your structural maps, and (b) compare and discuss them with other
members. Such meditative jotting can give you concrete info to compare
with if you map again in the future - a way of clearly affirming family
growth and positive change - or lack of same...
1) Start With Your Home
Rough draft: Think of the people regularly living in (vs. visiting) your home.
Youll do other maps on your one or two related co-parent homes later. To begin,
lightly draw a horizontal "co-parental responsibility" line on a blank page. Now
decide: "among all our stepfamily members, whos needs, opinions, and drives
usually directly and indirectly affect the minor kid/s in our home the most?"
To put it bluntly: "Who really makes the key co-parenting and administrative
decisions in our home, most of the time?"
Consider that the person/s
really running your house may be dead, or alive and living elsewhere. They may be
one or more adults, a scared, depressed, or enraged child, a powerful relative, an absent
bioparent, or some combination. They may also control everyone else by choosing to be
"over-helpless" and a "victim." Recall -
this exercise is
not about
finding fault with anyone. Its about discovering what is to affirm the
good, and improve the rest.
Tentatively, put initials or
symbols for the one or more "in-charge" people above the line.
Try to
avoid pre-conceived expectations ("well of course both of us resident
adults are equally in charge here"). Of those above the line, is there one
whos more in charge than another? For example, its
common that in a new step-home, resident (and maybe absent) bioparents have more authority
over live-in and visiting biokids than the resident stepparent (see example 4).
A strong- willed, outspoken, or
acting-out child, relative, or ex mate may strongly influence the decisions in your home. If so, draw a shorter
horizontal line above the responsibility line, and put the name or initials of this
"strongest" person above this line. If any home-leader is dead, put their
name in parentheses, or a circle.
Membership spot
checks: Many homes are strongly influenced by certain members
beliefs. Such members relationship decisions and boundaries are often affected
by their deep belief in, and relationship with, a personal
Higher Power. If this is
true now in your home, find a way to symbolize the influence of such a
spiritual
home-structure member - e.g. {God} or {HP}.
Also,
many two-career homes
hire part-time or even live-in child-care help. If you regularly use a nanny,
"senior" baby-sitter, relative, neighbor, or other child-care provider to help
parent any of your minor kids, decide how you want to add them to your households
structural diagram. They are affecting your childrens welfare! In the same way,
consider
any professional counselors of importance to any regular member of your house now.
Psychological, financial, school, sports, or career counselors, clergy, and medical professionals are
affecting your members emotional climate. How do you want
to note their presence and "rank" in your current relationship structure?
Now consider each adult
regularly living in your home (including grown biokids), and pick a place on your
diagram for them. Options:
-
an active co-equal leader above the line;
-
a
dominant leader above other members with some co-parenting authority;
-
an
emotionally-regressed, overwhelmed, sick, or withdrawn role under the line (little
or no authority or active influence on household activities); and...
-
an emotionally
detached - or passively ignored - co-parenting role.
Examples:
Ann Ed
1) - - - - - -
C...C |
Ann
------
Ed
2) - - - -
C...C |
Ann
3) - - - - - - -
Ed C...C |
Ann
4) - - - (Ed
C..C |
Now
add each resident minor child by name or initials:
where do they usually fit in your homes emotional structure (in non-visitation
mode)? Common options: (a) co-equally below the line; (b) above the
co-parenting responsibility line - perhaps even running the whole home; (c) emotionally
excluded, withdrawn, or detached, and (d) dominated by one or more other resident kid/s
- a scapegoat or black sheep role. Samples (Al and Jo are minor resident kids):
Ann Ed
1) - - - - - -
Al Jo |
Ann Al Ed
2) - - - - - - - -
Jo |
or |
Al
Ann Ed
2) - - - - - - -
Jo |
Ann Ed
3) - - - - - -
Al ) Jo |
Ann Ed
4) - - - - - -
Jo Jill
Al |
Some kids may rise and fall above and below the co-parental responsibility line (or a
"scapegoat" line), depending on whos at home (or not), or whats happening.
Draw each child in their main position in your home, or consider drawing several
structures.
Dont forget to include any unborn kids who are on the way
(e.g. "??"). They probably have a big effect on your emotional
structure! Also, include dead children (e.g. [George] )
who
haven't been well-
by all regular
members of your home. They still significantly influence these adults and kids.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you used this worksheet. Did you get what you
needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident
or
Continue your map-building by showing
alliances, antagonisms, boundaries, and other co-parenting
homes.
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Updated
April 13, 2015
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