Lesson 4 of 7  - optimize your relationships

Inventory: Relationship
Strengths and Stressors

Affirm What's Good, and
Improve What Isn't


By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

The Web address of this inventory is https://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/profile.htm

Updated  02-08-2015

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      This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 4 - optimize your relationships. Use this worksheet to assess the valuable aspects of a special present or past relationship, and aspects that cause you tension or distress.

  Suggestions:

  • Print one or several copies of this worksheet;

  • Get in an undistracted space, and allot at least 30" to do this worksheet and reflect;

  • Check to see if your true Self is guiding your other subselves (personality). If not, see Lesson 1, and be alert for skewed results.

  • Have extra paper, if you feel like writing impressions, thoughts, or reactions;

  • Use colored markers to hilight any special points;

  • Adopt the open, curious "mind of a student," and remind yourself this is not about blaming or faultfinding. Rather this information can be valuable raw material for affirmations and problem-solving.

  • If questions don't apply, re-word or skip them.

  • Review this summary of the ingredients for a healthy relationship, and note your reactions.

  • Pick the current or past relationship with a special adult you want to evaluate;

  • You can also guess how your partner would respond to a given item by using "x" or another symbol.

  • There are no "correct" answers other than yours!

      The goal here is to give you and a partner a chance to clarify aspects of your relationship, affirm the good parts, and identify things that could strengthen it.

  Relationship Factors:  [+] = strength;   [o] = neither   [-] = stressor

Wholistic Health

1)  I'm usually guided by my true Self or  I am committed to increasing true-Self guidance via some form of inner-family therapy ("parts work")  (+ / o / - )

2)  I have _ assessed myself honestly for false-self wounds, and am _ committed to making significant progress reducing those that I found  (+ / o / - )

3)  I am committed to maintaining healthy exercise and diet, and balancing work, play, and rest (+ / o / - )

4)  In calm and stressful times, I'm consistently _ aware of and _ assertive of my needs and personal rights as a valuable, lovable, unique person;  (+ / o / - )

5)  I am evolving a healthy spiritual faith which nourishes and guides me in calm and stressful times (+ / o / - )

6)  You are usually guided by your true Self or  you are clearly committed to increasing true-Self guidance via some form of inner-family therapy ("parts work")  (+ / o / - )

7)  You have _ assessed honestly for psychological wounds and _ are firmly committed to making significant progress reducing those that you found  (+ / o / - )

8)  You are committed to maintaining healthy exercise and diet, and balancing work, play, and rest (+ / o / - )

9)  In calm and stressful times, my partner is consistently _ aware of and _ assertive of his / her needs and personal rights as a valuable, lovable, unique person   (+ / o / - )

10)  You are evolving a healthy spiritual faith which nourishes and guides you in calm and stressful times (+ / o / - )

Bonding, Love, and Empathy

11)  I am able to form genuine, healthy bonds with you and other people  (+ / o / - )

12)  You are able to form genuine, healthy bonds with me and other people  (+ / o / - )

13)  I consistently feel healthy self-love (vs. egotism)   (+ / o / - )

14)  You consistently feel healthy self-love (vs. egotism)   (+ / o / - )

15)  I feel deeply and consistently loved by you often enough  (+ / o / - )

16)  I love you despite your shortcomings and limitations   (+ / o / - )

17)  You feel deeply and consistently loved by me often enough  (+ / o / - )

18)  You genuinely love me despite my shortcomings and limitations  (+ / o / - )

19)  I’m comfortable enough with the love and/or respect you show my kid/s (if any)  (+ / o / - )

20)  I feel enough love and/or respect for your child/ren (if any)  (+ / o / - )

21)  I’m OK enough with your feelings about your ex-spouse (if any)  (+ / o / - )

22)  Im able to empathize well enough with you and other people  (+ / o / - )

23)  You're able to empathize well enough with me and orther people  (+ / o/ -)

24) (other)                                                                                          (+ / o / - )
 

25) (other)                                                                                          (+ / o / - )

Affection, Appreciation,  and Support 

26)  You spontaneously express these to me often enough  (+ / o / - )

27)  I like the ways you express them  (+ / o / - )

28)  You touch / hug / caress me often enough  (+ / o / - )

29)  I feel truly and consistently supported enough by you  (+ / o / - )

30)  (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

31)  (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

Our Communication

32)  I feel you usually understand my major _ feelings, _ thoughts, and _ needs  (+ / o / - )

33)  I feel clear on your _ feelings, _ needs, and _ opinions, often enough  (+ / o / - )

34)  We handle most of our conflicts promptly and fairly enough  (+ / o / - )

35)  We _  resolve our major disagreements - including values conflicts - well enough, and _ they usually stay resolved.  (+ / o / - )

36)  We problem-solve vs. argue, fight, or avoid, consistently enough.  (+ / o / - )

37)  You share enough of your _ ideas, _ fears, _ dreams, and _ emotions with me.  (+ / o / - )

38)  I feel you really listen to me respectfully, often enough.  (+ / o / - )

39)  We usually don't confuse listening with agreeing.  (+ / o / - )

40)  We have no major topics that aren't safe to discuss honestly and directly  (+ / o / - )

41)  You're willing to talk about us in the present, (vs. past or future) enough  (+ / o / - )

42)  I usually feel safe enough with you to tell you my thoughts, needs, and  hopes  (+ / o / - )

43)  We can spot and resolve key communication problems well enough  (+ / o / - )
 

Our Goals and Expectations

44)  We're usually clear enough on what we expect from each other  (+ / o / - )

45)  We agree enough on what I expect of you in our relationship  (+ / o / - )

46)  We agree enough on what you expect of me in our relationship  (+ / o / - )

47)  I feel our main life-goals and relationship-goals are compatible enough  (+ / o / - )

48)  I like the mix of your goals, mine, and ours  (+ / o / - )

49) (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

50) (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

Socializing and Friends

51)  I like the mix and balance of your friends, mine, and ours  (+ / o / - )

52)  We spend enough time with _ your friends, _ mine, and _ ours  (+ / o / - )

53)  Our boundaries and limits with our friends are comfortable enough for me  (+ / o / - )

54)  I like the way we usually socialize together  (+ / o / - )

55) (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

56) (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

Our Relatives, In-laws, and Ex In-Laws

57)  I get along well enough with your parent/s, sib/s, and other relatives  (+ / o / - )

58)  I like your attitude about my parent/s, sibling/s, and other kin  (+ / o / - )

59)  We spend enough time with _ your family and _ mine  (+ / o / - )

60)  Our boundaries and limits with our families are comfortable enough for me  (+ / o / - )

61) (other) ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

62) (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

Our Interests and Activities

63)  I enjoy the range of interests we have in common  (+ / o / - )

64)  I like the mix of your interests, mine, and ours  (+ / o / - )

65)  I feel good enough about the time we allocate to doing things together  (+ / o / - )

66) (other)  _____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

67) (other)  _____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

Sensuality and Sexual Intimacy 

68)  I'm satisfied well enough with our lovemaking _ frequency and _ usual pace  (+ / o / - )

69)  I _ usually feel satisfied enough, and _ really enjoy satisfying you  (+ / o / - )

70)  Our balance of who initiates sensual intimacy is OK enough  (+ / o / - )

71)  The variety of our sensual experiences together is satisfying enough  (+ / o / - )

72)  We usually can talk freely enough about our sensual needs together  (+ / o / - )

73)  You’re aware of and responsive enough to my sensual needs  (+ / o / - )

74) (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

75) (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

Our Power and Status Balances

76)  We balance leading and following well enough  (+ / o / - )

77)  Neither of us is too dependent on, or too independent from, the other  (+ / o / - )

78)  You willingly go along with my preferences often enough  (+ / o / - )

79)  I feel our ability to compromise and flex when we have to is a real asset  (+ / o / - )

80)  I feel that we’re clearly partners, vs. opponents, often enough  (+ / o / - )

81)  I’m satisfied enough with who makes our major life-decisions now  (+ / o / - )

82)  (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

83)  (other)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

Priorities and Commitment:

       I feel important enough with you, often enough, vs.:

84)  the child/ren (if any)  (+ / o / - )

85)  your prior partner/s (if any)  (+ / o / - )

86)  your _ family and _ friends  (+ / o / - )

87)  your _ work, _ school, _ hobbies, _ church, _  _______________  (+ / o / - )

88)  (other)  __________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

89) My commitment to nurturing and protecting our relationship is consistently among my top three priorities - mainly from genuine desire, vs. anxiety or duty   (+ / o / - )

90) I’m consistently satisfied with your demonstrated (vs. stated) commitment to nurturing and protecting our relationship  (+ / o / - )

Respect

91)  I generally respect your _ values, _ goals, and _ actions highly  (+ / o / - )

92)  I usually feel respected enough by you  (+ / o / - )

93)  I’m comfortable enough with my level of self respect  (+ / o / - )

94)  I’m comfortable enough with your level of self respect  (+ / o / - )

95)  (other) __________________________________________   (+ / o / - )

Our Time Together

 96)  We usually have enough time alone together

 97)  The quality of our times alone usually feels good enough to me

 98)  Your priority about our alone-time is usually high enough for me

 99)  (other)  _______________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

Our Trust and Honesty

100)  I consistently trust that you mean what you say to me  (+ / o / - )

101)  I steadily trust that you don't withhold important things from me  (+ / o / - )

102)  You don't use what I share against me  (+ / o / - )

103)  I can rely on you to not tell others what I wish to keep private between us  (+ / o / - )

104)  I completely trust that you won't cheat sexually on me  (+ / o / - )

105)  ____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

Our Values: We usually agree well enough on:

106)  Child _ guidance and _ discipline  (+ / o / - )

107)  Personal health, medications, diet, and exercise  (+ / o / - )

108)  Home choice, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining  (+ / o / - )

109)  Household chores and responsibilities  (+ / o / - )

110)  Leisure, play, holidays, and vacations  (+ / o / - )

111)  Money _ provision, _ allocation, _ saving, _ investing, _ managing, and _ estate planning  (+ / o / - )

112)  Spirituality, religion, church, and worship  (+ / o / - )

113)  Focusing enough on the present, vs. the past or the future  (+ / o / - )

114)  Balancing our time between working, playing, resting, and being alone  (+ / o / - )

115)  Drug use (including food and prescription chemicals) by you, me, and the kids  (+ / o / - )

116)  Planning enough for our lives vs. letting life happen to us  (+ / o / - )

117)  Our responsibilities to, and limits with relatives  (+ / o / - )

118)  Asking for and accepting help from appropriate others when we need it  (+ / o / - )

119)  Risking new experiences, ideas, and relationships from time to time, vs. staying safely with the old ones  (+ / o / - )

120)  _____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )
 

121)  _____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )

Other Relationship Strengths and Stressors

122)  _____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )
 

123)  _____________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )
 

124) ______________________________________________________  (+ / o / - )


As I finish
this inventory, I’m aware of...


 

I feel reassured that ...

 

 

I feel uneasy or anxious about...

 

 

 and I want to... 

 

 

  Notes / Thoughts






Lesson 2 and 4 articles in this Web site propose specific ideas on improving most of these relationship factors...

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