The Web address of this
series is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/IF/ifs.htm
Please turn off your browser's popup blocker to access the
informational popups in this series.
Recall that in these articles, personality part, sub-personality, and
subself mean the same thing.
The
Goal of Parts Work
Living most days controlled by rioting, impulsive short-sighted subselves is like being
on a moving bus
with a mob of noisy passengers constantly fighting to control the steering wheel,
brakes, and accel-erator, disregarding the skilled driver and arguing over
directions and rest stops. Living with frequent or constant
and anxiety is also like being in...
an
orchestra or choir who’s
skilled, temperamental performers often disregard the conductor, and try to
force their ideas of leadership on each other; or like...
a
troupe of feisty, passionate, insecure actors who disrespect or distrust the director, and
argue
often about who's to play what role, how, and who gets the credit; or
like...
a
professional sports
team whose players don’t trust each other or their coach, and
constantly argue and fight for control of what to play, when, and how;
or like...
a chaotic, reactive classroom of
students who disrespect, distrust, and ignore or hassle the teacher.
Think of these analogies when you read "false
self control" in this Web site.
|
Overall, parts work (inner-family
therapy) aims to harmonize your inner crew of talented
sub-selves under the expert leadership of your true
and
Higher Power. Key sub-goals are to...
|
accept the reality
of having a normal
multi-part personality. Then...
identify your subselves, and
patiently invite all of them to...
-
understand that each is an important
member of a team with a common goal (grow and thrive while learning and
pursuing your life purpose); and to...
-
eventually know, trust, and respect each other;
and then...
build
subselves' trust and cooperation to
your
wise Self (capital "S") and Higher Power to lead in all situations; so over
time, you can...
steadily enjoy yourself,
relationships and daily life, as you manifest
your unique personal talents and gifts.
If you live this way now,
congratulations! There’s no need for you to read further, unless you're
on Earth to teach and/or heal
Caution: a clever subself may convince you that you're living harmoniously
when you really aren't. Option - ask several other people whom you
trust and know you well. whether or not you often display the emotional
and behaviors that indicate you're guided by
your true Self.
The rest of this article describes a powerful, practical way to increase
true-Self leadership...
Overview: the Five Phases of "Parts Work"
Each person will develop their own style of inner teambuilding. There is no right way: success is measured by the results
you experience. You can do parts work (a) by yourself, (b) with a trained
helper, and/or (c) with one or more supportive, informed partners
(like a recovery group).
The
process of inner teambuilding can be divided into five phases. Though you can skip around, I
suggest that following the order of the steps below is
most efficient in the long run.
The four phases are:
-
Learn and evaluate parts-work basics
-
Gather your resources
-
Assess yourself for false-self wounds, and
define your
wound-reduction goals;
-
Meet, reorganize, and retrain (harmonize) your subselves over
time ("recover"); and then...
-
Extend parts-work to key relationships
Here is more detail on each phase. As you review them, know that these steps
are guidelines, not abso-lutes. They can overlap, and you can amend the to
fit your unique situation as the process unfolds:
Phase
I: Evaluate Parts-work Basics
1)
Study the Inner Family
System
basic concepts. When you can (a) describe
these basics lucidly to another person and (b) answer most these questions
about personality subselves and false-self
wounds, you’ve learned the concepts well enough to start
harmonizing your subselves.
2)
Evaluate: compare
personality-subself concepts to
your life experiences, and see if they ring true enough to
explore further. For example - have you recently experienced several
"inner voices" (thought streams) arguing, or felt "torn,"
"ambivalent," or
"uncertain" about something? For more perspective, reflect on this letter
to you.
3)
Try some
initial
contacts with one or several
subselves to see what that feels like. Decide if
you (all) want to go further. If not, pause and reflect: which subself is making that decision? Is it your Self
(capital "S"), or one or more
other subselves
who fear losing their control and status?
Phase 2: Assess Yourself for
False-self Wounds
Step 4) Follow this guideline for
using the 12 Lesson-1 wound-assessment worksheets to decide if you have any
of the six false-self wounds. Do this with the perspective that you didn't
ask for or cause these psychological injuries, and your unaware ancestors
did not mean to pass them on to you.
5) If you decide you have two or more of the wounds,
accept that (a) you were probably raised in a low-nurturance family by
wounded caregivers, and (b) you are a normal Grown Wounded Child (GWC). This
merits no shame or guilt, Affirm that you are not "sick" or "crazy,"
and you are able to empower your Self and reduce your wounds over
time.
6) Read this outline of how false-self wounds
affect average people, and see if you
relate to some or all of the effects in your own life.
7) Decide
if you're ready to commit to wound reduction as a major life priority.
This often depends on whether you've hit true bottom
yet. If you haven't, read the rest of this article for awareness, and apply
it when you're ready.
8) Read this overview of recovery
(wound reduction) for perspective on what you're about to read here.
Phase 3:
Gather Resources
9) Decide tentatively if you’ll use a
parts-work
as a place where some of your subselves can communicate
and record your experiences and discoveries. I recommend it, even if a
(protective) part says "Oh, I can’t write!" Parts work is about
trying new things safely and learning...
10)
Choose inspiring
hero/ines
or models: From all the people you know or knew, identify one or
more well-balanced,
wholistically healthy, self-confidant, nurturing, productive persons whose life philosophy and actions
(vs. occupation or credentials) you specially admire. If practical, ask
if s/he will mentor you in this work.
Option:
at some point, select a professional
counselor or coach who (a)
understands and agrees with the inner-family and wound-recovery concepts
here, and (b) is interested in guiding you toward freeing your Self and
harmonizing your subselves;
11) Vividly
recall any experiences you've had as a member of a
well-functioning, well-led group, class, committee, or team. As you
proceed, use this memory to imagine what your subselves
will feel when they're all (a) clear on your life goals and their roles in
your team, (b) living in the present, and (c) trusting your Self and
to lead,
encourage, grow, and protect them;
12)
Identify what
specific personal changes
might really be possible with effective parts work. Adopt an initial open-minded, positive attitude about
this work, your ability to do it, and each of your known and unknown
subselves. Then imagine your daily life
and relationships in detail
after you meet and harmonize your inner family. Refer to this
image as you progress.
13) Rank how important parts-work
(i.e. freeing your Self) is to you now. Decide what other life activi-ties and responsibilities
are more important (at this stage), and whether you want to allocate
regular time to do inner team-building. This priority can change as you
progress.
14) Pick initial
supporters.
Decide who’s safe to share your early parts work with, and
what you’re willing to disclose. Stay alert for one or more people who...
-
have similar personal healing and growth goals,
-
are open to the
inner-family concept, and...
-
want to exchanging support and encouragement
along the way.
Option: research your community and/or the Web for a
high-nurturance recovery group of like-minded people - ideally led by
someone who's Self is clearly
Phase
4: Meet, Reorganize, and Retrain
(Harmonize) Your Subselves
15)
Over several months,
use a series of stressful and pleasant life situations to (a)
discover which of your subselves are involved, (b) how, and why; and to (c)
develop the specific parts-work skills described below. Your main goals in
this
wound-reduction phase are to:
Pick a
comfortable label for
all your parts together: my team, family,
troop, troupe, gang, orchestra, choir, expeditionary
force,
community, committee, clan, squad, crew,
________....
Pick a title for your inner leader
that feels right - e.g. my Self, Coach, CEO, President, Leader, Exec,
Director, Conductor, Chair(wo)man, Chief, Guide, ___________
Evolve a complete
roster of all your parts,
and profile (e.g.
type, gender,
age, role, talent/s, alliances, needs, and limitations) each one.
As safety and trust grow, suspicious, disguised, and
reclusive subselves will reveal themselves at different points along the
way. A useful aid in doing this is a widely-used concept called the
Johari Window.
Identify the young and
Guardian subselves who cause each of the false-self
you initially
identified. Evolve
proactive strategies to reduce each wound over time, using your Phase-3
resources and (b) the parts-work techniques outlined below.
Identify any disowned
(rejected, excluded, denied) subselves, and patiently encourage them to become
valued, respected members of your
inner family.
Reorganize and team-build. Introduce all
parts to each other, your Self, and your Higher Power over time. Build mutual trust, group
awareness, purpose, teamwork, and pride among all your subselves.
As your
needy inner kids grow to trust your Self, your
Nurturer/s your Wise
(spiritual) One/s and
reliable people around you, negotiate new roles
for their Guardians. Option: try
inner-family
council meetings with your Self presiding. Have you
chaired team meetings in real life? Do you know someone who's talented
at team building?
Celebrate your progress periodically,
pace yourself along the way, and
balance your re-covery work with other responsibilities and priorities. This will
get progressively easier as your inner family reorganizes and trusts your
Self and other Manager subselves to guide them.
Step 16)
Continue to do steady
or situational parts work as long as it feels useful. Some
people use it only for resolving one problem (like managing an addiction
or stressful relationship), while others spend several years freeing and
developing their true Self and related inner harmony and productivity. You
can do the work steadily or in periods with "rest stops" as needed.
As your Self gains group trust and self-confi-dence, inner conflicts and
anxieties drop - and so does the need to "do" parts work.
As
you experience the very real personal and family benefits of, parts work,
it may become a person-al
philosophy and a way of life for you. It may also remain just a concept.
Phase
5: Extend Parts Work to Key Relationships
17) Develop your ability
to recognize other people’s subselves in action, and use
your inner-family knowledge to improve your relationships with them. The
most satisfying personal relationships are those between unfettered two Selves and
their well-functioning inner families. That and common values and dreams
may be what causes "soul mates."
The most powerful social application
of parts work is teaching young kids about subselves and how they
work. Kids are often faster than adults at picking up the idea of "little
people" inside and working with them. A child who understands her/his true
Self and false self (e.g. Noah #1 and Noah #2) will have a great personal
and social advantage over unaware kids and wounded adults. Accepting the
reality of subselves and where they come from usually breeds tolerance and
compassion in typical conflicts.
These 17 steps and the
various techniques described below look like stand-alone projects. In real
life, they all overlap, and - like grief - seldom have clear starting and ending
points. Parts work is an orga-nic
spiral over time
- it flows, shifts, and evolves. Still, there
can be an overall plan, meaningful structure and guidelines, specific tools,
skills, and achievements, and eventually a "sensed" end-phase to
your
pro-cess.
Pause now, breathe comfortably, and experience
your thoughts and feelings. A mix like concurrent skepticism or
disbelief, interest, indifference, and excitement - is normal. This is a collage of several of your
subselves'’ reactions to this
inner-family overview and what it means to them right now.
Do all these concepts, phases, and steps feel daunting? For perspective: four years of high school or college work seen all
at once seems like an overwhelming project. Looking at each class one at a
time feels much more doable. Parts work is the same. You take one step at a
time, with time-outs for rest, re-grouping, and relaxation. Best of all - you
(your Self)
set and adjust the schedule and the targets!
Inner-family therapy (parts work) is
about maximizing the quality and productivity of your life, over
time. Can you name a more worthy project? If you're a
shame-based Grown Wounded Child, you'll proba-bly have a
well-meaning subself trying to convince you that you don't deserve to
"maximize the quality of your life."
The next seven pages in this series offer more detail on most of these phases and steps.
Getting
Started
|
My experience is that there
are initial learnings and decisions that will boost the
effectiveness and value of your long-range parts work. Investing energy in
these initial steps before meeting and working with your parts is like
planning for a long, important trip: it can save you time, discouragement,
frustra-tion, and possibly money in the long run. |
A good place to start (or continue) is an
initial meeting with one or more of your subselves when you're undistracted and
feel "ready". Here’s one way:
A
First Hello
This exercise will probably
take under ten minutes. There is no right way to do it. To
help all your parts hear what you’re about to do,
try slowly reading these steps
out loud before you experience them.
Read "getting ready for
a parts session" and follow those
guidelines as you wish. Have paper and pencil nearby. Then read
communicating with
your subselves, and
first meetings. Notice the
clock time for reference. Relax...
Close your eyes, if that
feels right. Breathe well, from your belly. Do this simple
awareness exercise several times, and
compare the results with these true-Self traits, and decide if s/he's
guiding you now. If not, do this "Hello" anyway, and see what you
experience.
Muse on all the qualities that make you up as a
person (adventurous, careful, cerebral, playful, ...). Pick one that stands out for you now, and start to wonder about the
which of your subselves brings you that trait.
Remember vividly the last
time you intentionally met a new person. Recall what you thought, felt, and
did - and how they reacted.
Now imagine what you’d
think and feel if you learned you had a cousin or half-sibling that you’d
never known of, who was about to join you. What would you want to know about
them? Allow several questions to form clearly. Trust that other questions
may evolve, in both you and your relative.
If you notice any thoughts
("inner voices") trying to distract you, or to discount or inhibit
this exer-cise, think or say out loud "this will be a safe
experience". Respectfully and firmly ask the voice/s (sub-selves) to hold their thoughts
and feelings, and let you (all) have this safe learning experience. If the inner
distractions or resistances continue, consider meeting that (anxious) part
of your self now.
If you experience several
voices, assure them you’re interested in meeting them all in good time.
Once some (lonely) subselves realize someone is really interested in noticing
and hearing them, they can get pretty excited and impatient (notice your
reaction now)...
Decide what subself you’d like to meet now (my Babbler,
Critic, Organizer, Happy Kid, Lover,
Ath-letic One,...).
Clear your mental screen, and invite
an image of this subself to form. Trust
anything - and the first thing - that comes up. There is no right or wrong!
Avoid judging "that’s not a good image", and editing an image to
"feel better". If no image forms - that’s OK.
If an inner image
does appear, know that it’s your Self who’s doing the
"seeing." Your Self can’t see itself...
Recall: your Self is reading
this (perhaps with others), and is taking these steps to meet another of
your subselves. Focus on the personality-part you want to meet, breathe well, and ask your
first question silently or out loud. Be open to any reaction: thoughts,
memories, emotions, or bodily sensations (warmth, coolness, tingling,
tightness). Numbness, "nothing," and silence are reactions. If you
get any of those, consider that they’re ways Guardian parts may be
protecting someone (who?) from this alien new experi-ence.
Whether a clear inner image
forms, an inner voice responds, or "nothing happens" - notice with
inter-est what you feel. If you sense that another subself is present now
- including a
- ask "how do I
feel about this part now?" If you notice any critical, anxious, or
indifferent feelings, ask the part who provides those feelings respectfully to
step aside from your Self now.
Now image and/or "speak to" (direct your thoughts to) the
first part again. Notice how you feel about it now. Did your feelings shift? "No" is OK.
If you feel some degree of interest, curiosity, and/or compas-sion for this first part, your Self is probably
free to lead now.
As you would meeting a new
relative, ask any other questions of the first subself that occur to you, and
be open to any responses you experience. If a dialog "wants to
happen," let it unfold. Ask if s/he has anything s/he wants to know,
or to tell you. If other voices, feelings, or sensations intrude
significantly at any time, ask their owners (other parts) to let you finish
this meeting without distraction.
If they insist, explain to the first
subself that you need to attend the distracters, and that you’ll return shortly.
Refocus on the distracter/s, and ask what s/he or they need. Patiently allow anything to
develop - try not to "push" or "hurry."
As you would with a real-life mentor,
trust your Self to make any
appropriate decisions on how to conduct and conclude this experience. If it
feels OK, thank all subselves involved, including those who didn’t appear and
interfere.
Notice your breathing, body, and feelings now with appreciative interest.
If you want to follow up on something from this experience, mentally note
what it is.
Finally, journal about this experience soon afterwards. Describe any
subselves you sensed (including your Self), and any awarenesses, insights,
anxieties, questions, and "ahas" that you had. Again - you don’t have to
write "right"!
Feeling weird or strange
about this exercise is a normal reaction. The more parts-sessions
you have, the more comfortable and familiar these inner meetings become.
Let some time pass. If you
wish, try this "Hello" experience several times with
different subselves. Most of us have a neutral
Observer part - who views
things calmly and objectively, like a reporter or sci-entist. Ask your
Observer for feedback on what s/he
noticed. Does the overall inner-family concept seem more real and credible?
Who's answering?
Does doing further parts
exploration seem "right" now? Review the changes you’d like to
make in your life, and wonder what you might accomplish by meeting your
whole inner family of talented subselves and gradually harmonizing and
training them. If gaining further
inner-family experience
doesn’t seem "right" now, be aware that you can do parts work any
time.
When you want to discover more,
here are some useful preparation
steps...
Prepare
to Meet Your Inner Family
Doing parts work can yield
richer results over time if you take these preliminary steps:
-
Decide whether to use a
parts-work journal.
-
Draft an initial list of
the parts you feel you have, and evolve a comfortable way to think of
and name them
all as a group;
-
Clearly envision inspiring
models of (a) a Self-led "hero/ine",
(b) a truly effective team or
family, and (c) a naturally-loving Nurturer;
-
Clarify your initial
parts-work goals;
-
Learn and fine-tune your
initial parts-work beliefs and expectations;
-
Decide roughly how important
parts
work is to be in your life, among your other current goals and
responsibilities; and ...
-
Choose nurturing supporters:
i.e. who to tell about
your parts work, what to tell, and if and whom to ask for help
along the way.
Let’s explore each of these preparation-phase steps. Notice your
mental and emotional reactions with interest. How do your parts seem to feel
now about you (your Self) getting ready to meet, harmonize, and lead them?
To
Journal or Not?
One of my many instructors
along the way once said "A personal journal can be one of your best
friends: you can tell it anything, and it will never talk back, criticize,
discount, or ignore you." Do you have anyone in your life now that does
that for you? How does it feel?
Serious (vs. recreational)
parts work is like exploring rich, unknown land. If your style as a
real-world tourist is to take pictures and buy postcards and mementos, then
consider keeping a notebook, log, or journal for this inner adventure. This can be
specially helpful if your dynamic subselves tend to be disorga-nized and scattered. Your
inner-family work will be more productive if you stay clear and focused along the way on
what you’re doing, how, and why.
A major reason to create a parts-work journal is to give some of your
subselves a place to communi-cate
safely.
Clients have taught me that some parts only express themselves by writing
prose or poetry or drawing pictures. Journaling opens up this channel -
perhaps giving one or more of your subselves a "voice" for the first
time in their existence. .
A
part being able to express it’s feelings, needs, views, and hopes - and
being heard by your Self and the other parts - can bring a real release of
inner tension. Recording dialogs between two or more parts can
be a powerful help in understanding and resolving their inner conflicts and
raising your subselves' harmony.
Also, inner-family journaling over
time lets you compare how you feel now vs. earlier in your work. Do-ing this
promotes recognizing significant changes in your beliefs, priorities,
feelings, and behaviors; and validating the parts-work process and your
efforts.
As you (all) make your
initial decision about journaling, note with interest any
"resistant" thoughts and related feelings. These can sound like...
"Journaling is dumb"
(Inner Critic)
"I can’t write well"
(Doubter/Cynic)
"What
if someone read my journal?"
(Scared One and Shamed One)
"Too much work!"
(Playful Child);
"I might uncover something (bad)"
(Catastrophizer); and
"I’ll never reread
it, so
why bother?"
(Skeptic).
If you have any
"voices" (thoughts) like these, know that they probably belong to some
protective
Guardians. Such thoughts probably
don’t represent your Self’s belief or feelings. S/He might say "Well, this idea seems to scare some of you.
We’ve never tried journaling before. Maybe it could help. Can’t hurt to
try it and then decide whether it's useful or not."
Finally, note the power of
words. Does making a workbook, record, or a log feel different than kee-ping a
journal? How about keeping a record,
a diary, or "a lab notebook"? If you have some uneasy
sub-selves, sometimes the label you use to describe your parts-work
writings can make a difference to them.
As with all parts-work decisions,
if journaling doesn’t feel right now, you can start at any
time.
Continue with more preparation
steps (page 3) ...
