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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/co/sp_bp.htm

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        This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. This series extends the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        This article summarizes over three dozen differences between the family roles of biological parent and stepparent. It assumes you're familiar with:

the intro to this nonprofit Website and the premises underlying it Self-study lessons 1 thru 7 stepfamily basics - slides or text Q&A items about stepparenting and stepkids common stepchild adjustment tasks.

  Overview

        A stepparent is an adult who has accepted the family role (responsibility) of co-parenting their mate's child/ren from a prior union. Stepparents and bioparents usually want to provide the same thing for minor kids in their care: nurturance, guidance, companionship, protection, and a safe refuge. There are four groups of  significant differences between the family roles of stepparent and bio(logical) parent:

• social-environment differences,

• family-environment differences,

• co-parent-relationship differences, and...

• adult-child relationship differences. 

Even with forewarning (which is rare), the combined impact of these differences over time can make even well-adjusted stepparents and related co-parents feel inept, confused, alone, unappreci-ated, misunderstood, and sometimes crazy. This is often true for minor stepkids, co-grandparents, and other stepfamily relatives, too!

        Bioparents, relatives, and family-support professionals often find it hard to empathize with what it feels like to be a stepdad or stepmom if they haven't experienced this ancient caregiving role. I suspect most adults in and supporting stepfamilies (educators, clergy, clinicians, lawyers, social workers, and judges) have never seen a version of what you're about to read. See what you think ...

Bioparent - Stepparent Role Differences

        See how many of these role differences you already knew. Also notice what it feels like to see all of them in one place. If you know a stepmom or stepdad, keep them in mind as you review these four groups of differences. Let's start with the big picture ...

A)  Social-Environment Differences

        "Social environment" includes [friends + coworkers + neighbors + social service professionals + media + laws and legal systems + school systems + clergy and churches …]. "Media" includes news-papers, books, magazines, billboards and other public ads, radio, TV, movies, and the Internet.

        1) The intact biological family is modern society's norm. Stepfamilies and stepparents are often judged as inferior, compared to biofamilies and bioparents. They evoke un/conscious discounts and asso-ciations (e.g. “stepmother” = "wicked"). Stepfamilies are normal and ancient. Historically, they have been far more prevalent in all world cultures and eras than in modern America because of common unprotected intercourse, and parental death from disease, war, and famine.

        2) There is widespread public and professional unawareness of the 60+ structural and dynamic differences between typical stepfamilies and biofamilies, including these 43 role-environment differen-ces. This promotes misunderstandings and misassumptions that confuse co-parents, kids, relatives, and supporters alike 

       3)  There are few informed books, classes, counselors, groups, or other supports for stepparents and bioparents available in typical communities or on the Web. Average married and divorced ("single") bioparents' have much more informed support available to them.

        4)  Stepparents usually have no legal status or parenting rights unless they adopt their stepchild /ren. Depending on state law, if a stepparent and their mate die without a will, the stepparent’s estate usually does not pass to their stepkids.

        5)  National and religious holidays usually cause new-stepfamily role confusion and stress. There are few appropriate greeting cards available for stepparents, stepkids, or step-relatives, vs. many for bio-parents. That can breed awkwardness, confusion, stress (and creativity!) for some years;

       Difference 6) Unlike bioparents, there are few realistic media portrayals of stepparent and stepfam-ily situations, relationships, and roles. This promotes low social empathy with, and widespread misunder-standing of, typical stepfamily relationships, roles, and life experience; and...

        7)  Media usage of stepfamily labels and role-titles often imply that steppeople are inferior, flawed, substandard, second-best, and abnormal.

        On top of these simultaneous role-differences in social environment, step-people also often experi-ence... 

B)  Family-Environment Differences

        8)  Most nuclear stepfamilies include two or more related co-parenting households, not just one. Implication: c-o-m-p-l-e-x-i-t-y!

        9)  Unlike "standard" intact biofamilies, there are almost 100 different structural kinds of stepfamily, so it's rare to find one like "ours." This can foster a sense of social alienation and uncertainty ("What's normal?") in kids and adults, including ex mates and in-laws; and...

        10)  Multi-generational biofamilies have up to 15 normal roles (uncle, sister, cousin... ). Multi-home stepfamilies have these 15 plus up to 15 more alien new roles and titles (step-aunt, half brother, custodial ex mate, stepcousin...); and...

        Difference 11)  Typical stepfamilies have more people and relationships: multi-generational stepfamilies come from the merger from three or more or more biofamilies. They often have 80-100+ members. Perspective: 80 members have [(80 x 79) / 2] = 3,160 possible relationships! Typical steppar-ents have many more family members to meet, with whom they usually have no common history, memo-ries, ancestors, customs, names, or shared experiences. 

        12)  Stepfamily identity and membership are often confusing. Definitions of "Who belongs in our stepfamily?" often conflict between members and related homes. This is much less common for tradition-al intact bioparents, kids, and relatives.

        13)  As several biofamilies merge, there are many alien adjustment tasks to accomplish. Typical childless couples have far fewer tasks, involving fewer adults and kids..

        14)  Stepfamily finances are usually much more complex because of conflicts over...

• child-support amounts, regularity, allocation, and 'fairness;'

• asset and debt ownership and titles

• earning, spending, and saving values, traditions, and responsibilities;

• insurance coverages;

• tax liabilities; and...

• inheritances and estate plans; and for some...

• prenuptial agreements.

        15) Typical new steppeople have experienced [ divorce and/or death + re/marriage + cohabiting ] within the past five to seven years. Each causes major losses (broken emotional/spiritual bonds) for all kids and adults involved. Intact biofamilies experience losses too, but often not as many, frequent, or im-pactful. Stepfamily co-parents have a higher need to be aware of their respective grief traditions, values, and policies, and grieving status (blocked, progressing, or "finished") - among more adults and kids than typical intact bioparents.

        16) Less and different love: relatives of stepfamily mates usually don't initially, or sometimes ever, bond with and love each other the way biorelatives often do. Stepparents, stepkids, and stepsiblings don't usually grow or feel the same kind of love, loyalty, and bonds that healthy biopeople feel. There are surely exceptions to this.

        Difference 17)  There is a higher chance for cultural and/or religious diversity and conflict: U.S. stepfamily mates are more likely to have differing faiths and ethnic backgrounds than first-marriage part-ners. This can promote (a) rich mutual appreciation and new experiences; to (b) inter-home hostility, ex-clusions, rejections, and cross-generational loyalty conflicts and divisive relationship triangles.

        18)  Weaker household and family bonding, loyalty, and extended-family cohesion. Bonding (emo-tional caring and concern) among stepfamily members is often weaker than typical biofamily loyalties and ties. That can yield less emotional support and security to stepparents and stepkids;

        19)  Typical full-time (custodial) or part-time stepparents experience more household confusion be-cause of child visitations and residence and/or child-custody changes. Average co-parenting homes with minor kids have two "states:" (a) kids here, and (b) kids away (visiting). If both stepfamily mates have biokids, they can have many different "states" (his kids are visiting, hers are home, etc.); Also...

        20)  New co-parenting partners share little or no common family history, memories, mementos, rituals, and daily and special traditions. These may clash between the three or more or more  merging bio-family households and families, creating webs of stressful loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles for co-parents, kids, and relatives;

        21)  Whose home is this - mine, yours, or ours? Stepparents and any custodial kids of theirs may feel like invaders or invaded, depending on who's home they're living in. The least-stress option is usually a new home for everyone, if committed co-parents can afford that.

+ + +

        How are you doing with all these role-environment differences? We're about half done! Beside (a) societal and (b) family environmental differences, men and women accepting a stepparent role also ex-perience.differences in co-parental-relationship environments

Continued

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Updated 06 March, 2010