this summary. See...
if you needed knowledgeable adult help to fill each of these developmental needs to
become an independent adult, and see...
whether you got enough competent
adult help filling them.
Then picture each minor child you care about one at a
reflect on how you adults are progressing in filling each of these vital needs
for them, so far...
A primal need of all kids and teens is to have had two wholistically-healthy
parents wisely choose if and when to conceive
or adopt a baby. Many
("dysfunctional") childhoods can't do this, which promotes (re)creating low-nurturance environments for their
own kids and grandkids.
Self-improvement Lesson 4
in this Web site is about making wise mate-selection
is about evolving a high-nurturance home and family.
A core need underlying all the needs below is to form a
secure attachment (bond) in early
years with a primary caregiver - e.g "mother." Without that, filling other
development needs is significantly harder.
Option: test yourself. Before reviewing this inventory,
down as many normal child-development needs as you can. Then compare your
list with the one below.
This need-checklist is not exhaustive or prioritized.
rank-ordering these by importance - to you, your kids (if any), and in
Typical Young Kids Need to Learn...
awareness and self-management
communication and social
(relationship) skills, and...
knowledge about people, history, and the world
Awareness and Self-management Skills
Learn how to be
of what's going on...
_ inside other people
and other people,
_ in the environment around them and other people,
_ now and _
value of these awarenesses is proportional to accurate knowledge
of people and the world.
__ 2) Evolve a harmonious
guided by their
The alternative is suffering the dominance of a short-sighted, reactive group of
Filling this keystone
need is unlikely if one or more caregivers are often
controlled by false selves.
The wide scope of common
this is common in most families.
__ 3) Learn how to understand and recognize _ normal and _
excessive shame ("low self esteem"), and how to
_ convert excessive shame into stable, non-egotistical
And typical young kids need to...
__ 4) Learn how to _ understand and recognize normal and
excessive guilts, and how to _ identify life-rules
(shoulds, have tos, musts, cant's, etc) inherited from other people, and _
revise or replace them with thoughtful personal rules;
Learn how to _ value and _ manage anxiety (worry) and fears,
Learn how to see their inner and outer worlds as they really are, rather
(e. g. . denial, numbing,
catastrophizing, idealizing / etc.)
Learn _ how to accurately discern who and what to
and _ how to adapt to
people, ideas, and circumstances they don't
trust enough. This includes _ learning to trust their own judgment and
to feel, receive, and give love, including non-egotistical self-love,
__ 9) Learn how to
think critically, objectively,
in order to make realistic sense out of the world and make wise daily
decisions. This includes many sub-needs, like mastering abstract
(non-concrete) thinking, sorting and synthesizing unrelated ideas, discerning
information patterns, and effective logical deduction.
More self-management skills young kids need help to develop:
Learn how to _ understand and _ manage
in healthy ways, vs. numbing, addictions, aggression, affairs, denial,
hyperactivity, gangs, and/or
__ 11) Forge
to satisfy the
questions "Who am I?" and "How am I like and different from my parents,
other males and females?"
Part of this developmental need is _ evolving a
stable, healthy way to
their caregivers' needs and
visions of who they
want the child to be. Filling this need includes each child
_ identifying and accepting his or her unique talents and limitations without undue guilt,
shame, and anxiety;
Learn how to _recognize and _
significant physical and invisible
(broken bonds); and...
Learn how to _ feel, _ name, and _ express their emotions in
socially-acceptable ways; and...;
Learn how to _ differentiate, _ recognize, and _ use
Learn to _ understand, _ value, and _ care effectively for their changing
body in order to promote ongoing wholistic health and healing. This includes
_ Learning to make responsible, healthy
sex and child conception, and _ beginning to learn fundamental ideas
about child, human, and family development and high-nurturance (effective)
And young kids also need to...
to make balanced decisions between...
pleasure vs. long-term safety and satisfaction;
_ pleasing others vs.
_ attitudes of
pessimism, idealism, and realistic optimism; and learn to balance...
_ work, play, and
how to recognize
Learn how to _ set realistic goals and _ to make viable plans to reach
Learn how to accept and learn from their mistakes and failures,
rather than shaming themselves. And kids need to...
__ 20) Evolve
meaningful answers to core life questions about
spirituality and religion, life and cosmic origins, destiny, fate, good and evil, and death;
and learn to revere, trust, and include the
in life decisions; and...
__ 21) Learn
to want to take full responsibility for the outcomes of their
decisions and behaviors without coaching. Popular alternatives are denial, projection,
repression, blaming, forgetting, explaining (justifying), "confusion,"
__ 22) Learn
learn, evaluate, retain, sort and prioritize, and apply new information; and...
where to get needed information, and learn...
make their own minds up about
themselves and the world, rather than blindly accepting other people's
beliefs and "truths"; and learn...
how to unlearn old attitudes, beliefs, habits, and
values that no longer fit current life reality and goals; and...
an authentic (vs. borrowed or rote) framework of
ethics and morals to discern what's "right and wrong," and
"good and bad" in any situation, and _learn how to apply those judgments
effectively toward filling daily and long-range needs;
Learn how to ask for and accept
human and spiritual help without excessive
guilts, shame, and
anxieties, when life becomes chaotic and overwhelming;
a meaningful plan about where they want their life to go in the next
several years and beyond. The alternative is living each day as a
random experience, with no plan or life purpose. This risks
David Campbell's wry observation fitting: "If you don't know where
you're going, you'll probably wind up somewhere else."
over time, kids need to learn to live comfortably enough with
ambiguity and insecurity, and to forge credible-enough answers to the
eternal questions about conception and life, aging, death, origins, God,
evil, "senseless change," trauma, joy, hope, love, miracles, and
Pause and notice what you're thinking and feeling now. Did each or your
parents get all these developme2ntal needs filled by their childhood caregivers?
+ + +
girls and boys also need empathic adult help to...
Learn Communication and Social Skills
other people in calm, intimate, and conflictual settings. This comes from
learning the answers to these quiz items.
young kids and teens need to...
and practice effective social and relationship
asserting / confronting
teamwork / cooperation
Learning these skills requires _ being able to answer these
questions about relationships;
Growing kids also need to...
Learn how to respectfully grant other
able people full responsibility for their decisions, behaviors, feelings,
health, and welfare, rather than trying to rescue or "save" them; and...
__ 30) Learn
how to understand, negotiate, and balance the norms and responsibilities
of common social
Learn to _ know and respect social laws, and to _ respect (vs. fear)
professionals who enforce social laws
A vital fourth part of developing kids' (teens) needs is to...
Learn Practical Skills
The range of skills varies by kids' family, social, and geographic
environments. Typical common skills they need help to learn include......
acquiring and holding stable jobs and preparing to become
earning, budgeting, investing, spending, and saving money.
driving and maintaining one or more types of vehicle
evaluating, buying, and preparing food, and _ maintain a healthy diet
acquiring and caring for clothing and personal gear
preparing to choose and maintain a dwelling
More practical skills young kids need to learn
_ seek and
benefit from post-high-school education
and select appropriate insurance
_ how to use
local and long-distance modes of travel
and when to use appropriate health and medical services
Pause again, and notice what you're thinking and feeling now. The fifth
group of needs developing kids must fill are to...
People, History, and the World
33) To live independently, typical kids need adult help over ~18
years in gaining at least a high-school education on a wide range of topics.
If successful. this prepares fortunate children for a college or
+ + +
__ 34) (add other developmental needs you feel should be
and self confidence from filling all these needs well enough over
many years, and use those to leave home without undue anxiety, guilt, and
confusions. This is a
project, not an individual one.