Have you thought or said recently of someone
"S/He didn't reply to my call / email / card /
ques-tion? Have you tried to start a
conversation with someone who responds with
silence, grunts, shrugs, and/or few words? What
do you usually feel with such an
"unresponsive" adult or child? Are you
ever "unresponsive"?
Face to face, adults, kids, and infants
unconsciously decode meanings from each other
via words + voice dynamics + body language. So
someone
who is silent, motionless, and expressionless
situa-tionally or often seems "unresponsive."
They may be dubbed inscrutable, unreadable,
phlegmatic, un-emotional, unavailable, guarded,
and closed
Early in life we're taught that ignoring other
people is "impolite" and "disrespectful." So
when we get "no response' from someone, we're
apt to feel hurt, resentful, disrespected,
frustrated, and perhaps puzzled. Some people are
naturally taciturn and terse, and others
over-wordy (verbose).
Premise - someone may be "unresponsive" when
s/he...
-
feels unsafe;
and/or...
-
s/he isn't aware
of any thoughts or feelings, and/or...
-
s/he literally
doesn't know what to say or do (is
"paralyzed"), and/or...
-
is distracted or
overwhelmed by something, and can't say so.
Have
you felt any of these recently?
When
these occur and the person doesn't tell us, we
must guess what "no response"
means.
If we know the person well, we may guess
accurately. If not, we risk mis-assumptions
unless we verify them.
People who often feel notably anxious, uneasy,
or pessimistic with unresponsive kids or adults
are apt to be
or
(psychologically wounded). Could this describe
you?
Such people are apt to assume "no response"
means "I don't care about / like / respect /
notice / you" instead of the causes above.
That can cause hurt, resentment, distrust, anger
- specially if they have reason t distrust the
person.
Premise -
it's
impossible to "not communicate," because
we may unconsciously assume mean-ings
from
silence and an expressionless face and body.
Example: if a good friend doesn't return your
call or email, you may assume that means
s/he doesn't care much about you, or s/he's
pretending to care. The truth may be that s/he
had some trauma or became ill. Are you aware of
how you decode silences or "no responses"?
Considering all these factors, how can you
respond effectively to an unresponsive person?
If you know one, keep him or her in mind as you
read these...
Response Options
-
Mentally review
these basic options
until they become a habit;
-
Use
awareness to notice (a) when someone is
"unresponsive," and (b) how you feel
around them. Your emotions point to
what you need. Example: frustration
points to a need to get information from the
person, or to accept that you can't.
-
Identify what you need with or from the
person, specifically - e.g. to vent?
To offer feedback or confront? To cause
change? To set or enforce a limit? To
problem-solve? Something else?
-
Depending on
what you need, select a response like these:
"(Name), when
you can't or won't disclose what you're
thinking and feeling, I feel ________."
"Can you tell me
what you need from me right now?"
"When you answer
me with just one or two words and no eye
contact, I feel _________."
"If I'm doing
anything that makes you feel uncomfortable,
will you tell me?"
"I notice you
need to be silent now."
"When you say 'I
don't know' so often, I feel impatient and
frustrated (or ________)."
"I notice you're breathing very
shallowly. Are you aware of that?"
(This can mute current emotions).
"Your voice is
very flat and emotionless."
"Are you
distracted by something now, (Name)?"
"What would you
like to be doing now?"
"I noticed when
you talk about ______, you become vey
animated and expressive."
Notice the theme of these examples - brief,
direct, respectful, and factual. Adapt this to
your com-munication style in forming your own
responses. Can you imagine how an unresponsive
person would react to messages like these? Some
people will "resist" - i.e. deny, argue,
challenge, or shut down. Handle normal
resistances like these with calm, respectful
Then repeat your re-sponse, until your needs are
filled or they change.
Another option...
Responses
to Avoid
If your true Self is disabled, your ruling
subselves may react to significant
unresponsiveness like these:
"Cat got your tongue?"
If said sarcastically, this can feel like a
putdown.
"What do I have to do to get you to
open up?" Disrespectful aggression.
"You're about as expressive as a tree
stump." A disrespectful
putdown.
"Hello? Hel-loo?
Anyone home in there?"
A lose-lose
shaming question.
"(Name), you ever thought what the
kids are learning from your silences, or how
they feel?"
Emotionally-loaded criticism, not win-win
"Getting you to
talk is like pulling teeth!"
Combative
criticism and complaining.
"You're hopeless. I can't talk to
you." A shaming "you" message.
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/unresponsive.htm