-
In calm situations with the people who
mean the most to me, I'm usually a ___
-
In conflicts with the people who mean the
most to me, I'm usually a ___
-
With the people I work with, I'm usually a
___
-
With strangers or acquaintances, I'm
usually a ___
-
When I'm upset and need to assert to
myself, I'm usually a ___
Would other people who know you pretty well
agree with your ratings? Who's
you here - your
or
Perspective
See how your beliefs compare to these premises about assertion...
|
Effective assertion is the art of (a) saying what you need or believe in a way that
other people can hear you clearly, and (b) you all feeling
respected enough when you finish. This ability is essential for
ef-fective problem-solving. The alternatives to
assertion are submission
(letting other's needs come before yours and possibly
violating your integrity, and
aggression - forcing your needs on another person. Both
are
options. |
Requisites
for Assertion
To assert effectively
(satisfy your and others' current
needs) adults
and kids need to...
-
be
guided by their
and...
-
be clear and
firm on their personal
rights as dignified, worthy persons; and...
-
believe
that their rights, needs, opinions, and
dignity (self-respect) are just as
valid and important as anyone
else's, regardless of age, power, role, or gender; and asserters need to...
-
become fluent in the
communication skills of
awareness, clear thinking, digging down, metatalk, and
empathic listening.
Pause and reflect on your reactions to what you just read. Do you
regularly meet these four condi-tions when asserting with other people?
Would people who know you well agree?
Types of Assertion
There are four
types of assertion:
Self-nurturing - stating your
perceptions, feelings, and opinions about something (venting) to
preserve your self respect. The goal here is to feel satisfied that
you've tried your best to have the other person hear you
clearly, vs. agree to some action.
Preventive - the assertion goal
here is to get the other person to commit to act now to avoid
a future problem;
Reactive assertion aims to
have the other person...
-
acknowledge a change you need from them, and/or
to...
-
acknowledge limits
you set with them about some unacceptable behavior; and...
"Dodge-proof" Praise
- affirming or appreciating someone in a way they can't easily
dis-count or disregard. This
can be fun! More detail on this kind of assertion on
the next page.
In each situation you can assert
spontaneously or intentionally. With practice, asserting effectively becomes automatic.
Four Keys
To assert
effectively, you (or anyone) need to...
-
have your true Self
steadily
guide your other personality subselves (Lesson 1),
-
choose several key attitudes (below);
-
get very clear on what you really need from the other person/s; and...
-
expect resistance
without blame, and respond calmly with...
until you feel
heard or shift into
problem solving.
To make what follows more real, think of a child or adult whose behavior causes you
significant dis-comfort now. Imagine doing each of the following steps toward
asserting what you need from her or him...
The
following assertion options can be useful in any situation.
Your
true Self (capital "S")
is the best judge of whether each option is necessary. The more you do these, the more
automatic they'll become:
Prepare
Step 1)
Consciously
to assert
(to follow steps
like these);
until the skill becomes automatic. The common alternative is being unaware of what you need and what you're doing, which risks being submis-sive
(1-down) or
aggressive (1-up). Both are lose-lose attitudes.
Step 2)
Use
awareness skill to get clear on...
-
who's guiding your
personality now -
your Self (capital "S") or other subselves, and...
-
what you feel, and why. Your emotions point to current needs, and...
-
specifically what you
from your
communication partner/s now.
Options:
Check yourself for
fuzzy thinking (e.g. for vague
pronouns and "hand-grenade" (emotionally-provocative) words
or phrases;
Recall the
difference between surface needs (e.g. "I need
the checkbook to be balanced") and underlying
("I need to lower my anxiety
about having our phone turned off again.") If you get what
you're asserting for, will it satisfy your primary needs? Use
awareness and
dig-down skills to
answer this.
When you assert,
stay aware of your current
Does it include you and your
communication partner/s (a "two-person bubble"), or just you?
One-person and no-person bubbles usually indicate a false self rules
you.
Review these common
before important
assertions. Are there any you want
to be alert for with this communication partner?
Remind yourself of the
difference between a need conflict ("When you commit to an
arrival time, I need you to be prompt."), and a
conflict. In the latter,
guard against asserting for something that your partner
can't (vs. won't) give you ("I want you to stop this
vegetarian fetish."); and...
Clarify whether you're making a
request and a demand, and
be alert for
self-defeating "Be spontaneous!"
Use these
in important situations;
and...
Review the ways
you can deliver your assertion: (a) in person, over the phone, or in
writing, and (b) alone or with other key people present. Each has
pros and cons. Which gives you the best odds for being heard
clearly?
Step 3)
Make four quick
attitude checks on how you honestly feel about …
Your partner's needs.
If you believe "they are as legitimate and important as mine now," go ahead. If
not, lower your expectations about the outcome of your assertion or explore what's blocking a mutual-respect
attitude. Often, it's a well-meaning false self
controlling you.
Asking for what you need. If you feel solidly
"I have the
right to say or ask for this,"
go ahead. If you’re thinking something like: "I'm really
being selfish / pushy / greedy / a pain /..." (inner attitude:
"I'm 1-down"), lower your assertion-outcome
expectations.
And check...
Your ability to handle your partner's reactions
to your assertion, like
anger, rejection, hurt, defensiveness, attack...). If you
feel confident enough, assert. If not, work toward
reducing
your
fear and self doubt.
Practicing assertion helps build confidence!
Finally, before you as-sert, identify...
Your
expectations about the outcome. If you
solidly feel...
-
"We both can get our main needs met here, and...
-
we both will probably
feel OK about it,"
then assert your needs and/or opinions.
If your dominant subselves
believe "This assertion won't
work" - it probably won't. As your fluency with the
seven communication
grows, your
effectiveness will rise and the attitudes above will become more
automatic.
Recall - we're reviewing eight steps (options) for asserting your needs and opinions
effectively. We just reviewed three preparation
steps. Now you're ready to...
Assert
Step 4)
-
Reduce any
significant environmental, emotional, or bodily distractions,
-
define what
specific outcome you want from asserting, and then...
-
assert your
needs or opinions simply, clearly, directly,
one at a time, with
respectful eye
contact.
The more words you use, the greater the chance for confusion and distraction.
One or two sentences is often enough, if you're really clear on what you
need.
Options:
If you're asserting a
boundary (personal limit)
- e.g. "I need you to stop leaving your wet
towel on the bathroom floor." be clear on what specific
action you'll take if the other person choos-es to ignore
(disrespect) your boundary ("If you 'forget,'
I'll drop the towel on your pillow as a reminder.")
Watch your pronouns! If you state your
needs as "You need to ___...", you risk being
percei-ved as arrogantly dictating what the other person
must do, feel, or believe. Remember
how you felt the last time someone did that to you? A safer choice is
taking responsibility for your need or opinion:
"I need you to..."
|
Step 5)
resistance from your partner, without judgment. It's a normal human response,
not weakness, defensiveness, cowardice, bad, or wrong! This expectation and attitude are
essential for suc-cessful assertions!
Do you agree? |
Step 6)
Let your
partner finish responding to your assertion (unless
s/he's too long-winded). Then use
respectful empathic listening until your partner's
E(motion) level drops "below
their
ears."
If you start to blame, debate, disagree, or over-justify
your needs after your partner responds, a false-self probably
controls you. Breathe,
your Self
(capital "S"), and stay focused on
requesting or demanding what you need
now from your partner. Expect more resistance, without blame!
When you feel the other person can
hear you, then…
Step 7)
Repeat
steps
4 - 6 as needed: re-state your needs clearly, firmly,
and directly, using respectful empathic listening and steady eye
contact with each new
resistance, until you…
get (a) a clear,
credible agreement, (b) an acceptable compromise or refusal, or
(c) new information that justifies switching from assertion to
mutual
problem solving; or…
you run out of time.
In important assertions,
plan lots of undistracted time!
Step 8)
Note the outcome of your
assertion. If you
and your partner/s each got your primary needs (inclu-ding
enough respect) met well enough,
thank them and appreciate yourself! If someone didn't get key needs
met well enough, use awareness, metatalk, and
empathic listening skills
cooperatively to discover
would work better the next time. Maintain the
nonjudgmental, curious "mind of a student," and consider adopting the motto:
"Progress, not perfection"...
Breath
and reflect... what's your
now? (e.g.
"This is silly"; or "I could never do these steps"; or "Too
academic - unreal and phony"; or "Hmm - maybe I could experiment with these steps.
What's the risk?"...)
Do you feel these eight
effective-assertion
steps really could work for you? Could you assert in key situations and leave
any of these options out? If you don't normally do some version of these steps to
meet your needs with other people, what do you do? Do you usually
satisfy your primary needs? Is anything in the way of rying these steps?
The unique guidebook
(Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Lesson-2 Web
articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many
practical re-sources.
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/assert.htm
Continue
with