Updated 02-08-2015
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The Web address of this article is
https://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/time.htm
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Assess
who's about to fill out this worksheet - your
true Self or some other
personality
subselves. If the latter, expect
distorted results.
Print this page, and allocate at least 30" of undistracted time. Choose attitudes of...
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open-minded curiosity, and...
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"this is a win-win-win investment of my time for me and any future child/ren."
If you don't genuinely feel these, a protective false self probably controls you.
Options
In responding to these worksheet items, imagine being an objective news reporter or a social scientist. Scan the whole worksheet before starting to fill it out.
Check each main item as "true" only if you can honestly check all the sub-parts of it. Use "?" if you’re unsure.
View unchecked items as projects to work on alone or with your partner.
Jot down your thoughts and feelings as you fill out this worksheet. The process of filling it out can be just as instructive as your answers!
Star or hilight items that you want to learn more about.
Invite your partner to fill out a copy of this checklist - separately. When you're both done, discuss your findings together, and see what happens. Whatever you learn here, keep exploring the other Lesson-4 wise-choice worksheets.
If you fudge your answers here, you're potentially hurting yourself, your partner, and any descendents.
| The more of items below you can check, the higher the odds you're choosing to commit at the right time. Caution: even if you mates are each choosing to commit at the right time, one or both of you may still be committing to the wrong people for the wrong reasons. |
Thoughtfully check each sub-item and main item that seems "true enough" now. Items are grouped by (a) each partner and then (b) for the couple:
"Is This The Right Time to Commit?" |
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Me | You |
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1) ...has lived alone as an adult for at least two years (more is better). Living alone promotes discovery of one's true Self and life purpose, self-confidence, and starting real inner-wound recovery if needed. |
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2) ... has had enough time to progress well on grieving major broken bonds (losses) from childhood and adulthood. Men need to grieve too! |
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3) ...has had time to _ honestly assess for significant psychological wounds or _ is clearly self-motivated to do that within the next month. |
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4) If s/he does identify as a Grown Wounded Child, s/he can now _ clearly name the specific inner wounds s/he needs to heal, and _ has clearly begun implementing a Self-motivated, viable, recovery plan to do so. |
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5) ...has had a stable set of friends, acquaintances, and supporters for at least 18 months, vs. being socially isolated. |
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6) ...has had enough time to adjust and stabilize from any major physical, emotional, occupational, financial, geographic, or other life changes - including the end of any prior primary relationship. |
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7) ...has had enough time to evolve a clear idea about what her/his life-purpose or mission is now, and is pursuing it; or is now actively seeking to clarify that. |
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8) ...has had enough time _ to identify the personal needs that s/he wants our relation-ship to fill, and _ to learn the key requisites for a mutually-satisfying primary partnership. |
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9)
If s/he probably or surely has
an
addiction to a substance (including nicotine,
caffeine, sugar, fat, and/or starches), an activity (e.g. workaholism), a person
(e.g.
codependence), or an emotional state (e.g. rage or excitement),
s/he
(a) has clearly dissolved
her/his protective
denials, and (b) is working steadily at a high-priority, Self-motivated
personal addiction-management
plan. |
Me |
You |
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10) ...now has consistently high self-esteem - i.e. s/he believes that her or his personal feelings, needs, opinions, dignity, and rights are just as important and valid as those of other people. |
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11) ...can now (a) clearly describe the seven Lesson-2 communication skills, and is (b) working actively on developing and using them now or s/he is clearly committed to learning and applying these skills in all relationships. |
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12) ..._ understands the difference between surface problems and the underlying primary needs that cause them, and _ s/he uses this knowledge to resolve current personal and interpersonal problems effectively. |
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13) ...can now clearly describe _ what a relationship triangle is, _ why they can be significantly divisive and stressful, and (_ s/he has evolved an effective strategy for preventing - and identifying and resolving - triangles in key relationships. |
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14) ...has been _ financially stable for at least 18 months, and _ has no major debts now; or s/he is working a clearly effective, self-motivated plan to eliminate major debts. S/He is _ clearly able to financially support herself/himself now. |
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15) ...is clearly _ well along in grieving significant losses of key relationships, dreams, rituals, securities, belongings, and identity; and is _ clearly getting on with life in a wholistically-healthy way. |
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A) Partner Readiness Factors|
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16) My partner and I _ know what values conflicts are and _ how to resolve them effectively,
17) We have had enough time to reach thoughtful, stable agreement on…
__ when and where to live together
__ whether to conceive children together, and if "yes," _ approximately when to do so.
__ when family loyalty conflicts arise, each of us freely ranking our relationship second (after personal wholistic health) above any other relationships and responsibilities except in emergencies.
__ _ any pre-nuptial financial contract/s either of us wants, and _ resolving major debts or legal matters either of us currently has or expects.
__ child discipline values and practices (if appropriate)
__ religious and spiritual beliefs, and worship practices;
__ the contact-frequency, priority, and boundaries with, key relatives
__ retirement and estate plans (wills and trusts)
__ life, property, and medical insurance coverages;
__ legal debt and asset-ownership titles - e.g. property mortgages, vehicle and real estate titles, retirement and savings accounts, notes and loans, credit-card debts...;
__ our strategy for effective problem-solving,
__ a joint good-grief policy, and...
__ a joint anger policy.
18) And my partner and I have had time to learn and discuss the answers to these quizzes on...
__ personalities and psychological wounds
__ effective-communication basics
__ bonds, losses, and healthy grief
__ families, and if appropriate...
+ + +
What are you aware of now? What did you just learn? Is there anyone you want to show this worksheet to and/or discuss your results?
This is one of five Lesson-4 worksheets that exist because millions of people commit to the wrong partner, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time - and eventually divorce psychologically and/or legally. This worksheet provides a way for courting couples without kids to assess whether this is the right time to pledge long-term commitment to each other.
This checklist differs from similar instruments because it includes recovery from psychological wounding + unawareness + effective communication skills + healthy grieving as important courtship criteria,
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