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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/aggression.htm

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        This is one of a series of brief articles on how to respond effectively to annoying social behavior. An "effective response" occurs when the responder (a) gets their primary needs met well enough, and (b) both people feel respected enough.

To get the most from this article, read these first:

an overview of normal personality subselves - slides or text basic options for all responses how to give effective feedback to someone ways to improve communication with adults and kids. overviews of effective assertion and empathic listening skills.

        If you know someone who is often overly-aggressive (in your opinion), keep them in mind as you read..

Perspective

        Are you clear on the difference between submission, assertion, and aggression? Aggressive people focus on their own needs, ignore or discount yours, and may justify or deny doing that. If you encounter a loud, controlling, aggressive, pushy, or nosey adult or child, what do you feel? How do you respond? Common reactions are avoidance, irritation, frustration, guardedness, disapproval, timidity, hurt, dislike, and perhaps resentment or anger.

        Aggressive people are usually unaware of - or care little about - other people's needs and boun-daries. They may or may not be egotistical, rude, and/or manipulative, and usually maintain a one-person awareness bubble in social conversations. Their behavior often sends an implied "I'm 1-up" message. Often, they're ruled by a false self. Are you ever aggressive with certain people?

        Reflect - how did the adults who raised you react to over-aggression? Have you adopted their way? Is it effective?

Response Options

       How can you respond effectively to an overly-aggressive adult or child?

Lose-lose Responses

• silently repressing your feelings and needs (submission and self-neglect)

• judging and labeling - "You are really rude, pushy, and disrespectful."

• gossiping and complaining about the person to others,

• ordering or demanding - "Stop being so aggressive!" (This is fruitless)

• getting aggressive yourself - arguing, fighting, threatening, or attacking,

• blowing up, swearing, or threatening;

• tuning out, hanging up, leaving, and/or avoiding face-to-face contact without problem-solving.

See any favorites? Responses like these risk diminishing your self respect, damaging your relation-ship, and may indicate that a false-self dominates you. There are...

Better Choices

• Make sure your true Self is guiding you. If not, make attaining that a high priority or lower your expectations.

• Check your attitude about the aggressor. If you feel 1-up (superior), you'll broadcast that nonver-bally, and your odds for effective communication drop sharply.

• Be aware of the other person's behavior and your reactions, and decide if s/he is aggressive or assertive.

• Ask "(Name), are you open to some constructive feedback now?" Giving unrequested feed-back can feel disrespectful and aggressive(!) Most people will be curious, and say "OK." If so, you can ask calmly... Respectful feedback is a gift of awareness which the other person may ignore or heed.

(Name), who's needs are more important to you now - yours or mine?"

        This question often startles the other person, and may cause them to be more aware of your and their needs and your communication process. Depending on their response, you may then say some-thing like...

"(Name), when you focus so steadily on your needs, feelings, and activities, I feel discounted (or _________), and I lose interest in listening to you. I need you to want to include me in our conversation."

        Then keep steady eye contact, be silent, and watch your partner's reaction for expected resistan-ces. You might get something like "Well why are you so oversensitive?" or "I'm not discounting you - you're imagining it, or "You sure are self-centered...".You could then use a respectful hearing check  like...

"So you feel I'm too sensitive." or "You feel you're not ignoring me."

        These are statements, not questions - and they are not agreements.  If your partner nods, grunts, or says "Yeah," then calmly repeat your I-message (above) with good eye contact - and expect more resistance.

        Another response option is something like...

"(Name), how do you feel about people that are too aggressive?" Depending on the other person's answer, you might say calmly (avoid sarcasm!)...

"Uh huh, I feel the same. And I'm feeling that way about you now."

        Note what is not said in your response: "You're so aggressive / insensitive / self-centered / obnox-ious..." etc. These are inflammatory (blaming) "you messages" that usually promote fights, arguments, attacks, avoidances, or withdrawals. Also avoid evocative terms like "controlling," "self-centered," "stu-pid," "insensitive," "ridiculous," "childish," "abusive," and so on.

        The more you develop and practice a response strategy like this, the easier it will become.

        Can you think of an overly-aggressive communication partner you might use these options with? How do you think s/he would react? How would you feel? Would your true Self stay in charge? If there are some aggressors you'd be reluctant to use this strategy with (like a reactive parent), do you know why? Usually such hesitance comes from a distrustful or scared subself - not your true Self.

Recap

        This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting effective ways to respond to common social be-haviors. This article offers ways to respond to an overly-aggressive adult or child. The ways designed to preserve your integrity and boundaries, not to change the other person's personality. These response-options are based on...

• keeping your true Self in charge,

• maintaining a mutual-respect attitude,

• knowing what you feel and need,

• clarity on your mutual personal Rights, and...

• fluency in the relationship skills of awareness, assertion, and empathic listening.

+ + +

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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Updated  02.14.10