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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively to annoying
social behavior. An "effective response" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
enough.
This article offers useful responses to the behavior
of someone you experience as significantly dishonest."
It assumes you're familiar with...
Perspective
Do you know adults or kids who often need to withhold or
distort the truth (lie) in general or about certain
topics? Can you describe how you feel when someone seems to
be lying to you? Com-mon
reactions are distrust, frustration, disapproval,
disappointment, suspicion, confusion, impatience, and perhaps hurt and irritation.
For perspective on
this common behavior,
review
this article and return.
If you believe a child or adult feels unsafe to tell you
their truth, you have many response-options: e.g. you may...
-
ignore your
feelings, and and do nothing.
-
silently or vocally scorn
the person as being "weak," "bad," "cowardly," and/or
"wrong;"
-
confront the person ("I
don't believe you." / "You're lying." /... )
-
gossip or generalize about
the person (Louis never tells the truth."),
-
expect the other
person to lie to you - in general, or about certain
things; etc.
Responses like these
often deplete your integrity and your relationship - and can
make it less safe to tell the truth!. Here
are more effective options:
-
recall your definition of an
"effective response."
-
make sure your true Self is
you. If not, the following options probably won't help.
-
guesstimate whether
the person is ruled by a protective false self which
feels it's unsafe to tell you the truth - locally or in
general. If they
are significantly wounded, see
this for
options.
-
check your attitude
about the person. If you feel critical or disapproving
of them, your nonverbal language will convey that - and
make it unsafe for them to tell you the truth.
-
ask if (vs. assume) the
person is open to some constructive
feedback. Be prepared for
ambiva-lence (a
or "Not really."
-
If s/he is open,
offer respectful feedback like...
"I feel
you're being controlled now by a well-meaning false
self."
"I sense
you feel unsafe about telling me the truth about _____.
Am I doing something that makes you feel unsafe?"
"When you
need to distort or withhold the truth, I feel
(whatever)."
"I'd like
to improve my trust in you. Are you willing to work on
that with me?"
"What
you're saying doesn't seem credible / realistic /
accurate to me now."
"I feel confused / uneasy
/ anxious / distrustful / etc. when your face and body
language don't match your words." or "I
feel I just got a double message from you."
These responses are
illustrative, not absolute. Compare them to your
normal response, and ima-gine what reactions you'd get to
them with significantly-dishonest (scared) people in your
life. How would you feel receiving responses like
these when your subselves need to disguise or avoid the
truth?
Recap
This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting
effective ways to respond to common social
be-haviors. This article offers ways to
respond to a dishonest person. The ways are
based on...
-
keeping your true Self in
charge,
-
maintaining a mutual-respect
attitude,
-
clarity on your needs, feelings, and mutual
Rights, and...
-
fluency in the relationship
skills of awareness, assertion, and empathic listening.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
