Lesson 2 of 8 - grow effective thinking and communication skills

Response Options to Non-stop Talking
How to handle frustrating monologs

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Expert's Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/monolog.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If the links distract you, read the whole article before following any.

        This is one of a series of brief articles on how to respond effectively to annoying social behavior.  An "effective response" occurs when the responder (a) gets their primary needs met well enough, and (b) both people feel respected enough.

        This article offers useful responses to someone who tends to talk without stopping.It assumes you're familiar with...

  • the premises underlying this nonprofit Web site

  • self-study Lessons 1 and 2

  • basic options for all responses

  • how to give effective feedback to someone

  • ways to improve communication with adults and kids.

  • overviews of effective assertion and empathic listening skills.

Perspective

        Is there someone in your life who often talks "non-stop"? When they do, how do you feel? Irritated? Bored? ignored? Numb? Impatient? Critical? Amused? Resigned? Ambivalent? Something else? How do you normally respond - Endure (repress your needs)? Tune out? Interrupt? Hint? Avoid conflict? Leave? Pretend interest? Joke? Fidget? Complain? Blame? Analyze?

        Your response/s usually indicate what you need with a non-stop talker - for example...

  • to be included and respected;

  • to respect yourself (honor your integrity);

  • to avoid confrontation or conflict;

  • to preserve or improve your relationship;

  • to be "polite," "considerate," and not "hurt the person's feelings;" 

  • to attend to something else ("not waste time");

  • to have a dialog, not a monolog;

  • to change the subject if you're bored or disinterested;

  • to inform the person what they're doing, and how it affects you;

  • to problem-solve (meet your and their needs well enough); and/or...

  • something else.

        Notice that (1) you may have several needs at once, which (2) may conflict and paralyze you, and/or cause frustration and anxiety. When this is true, it often means a false self controls you locally. To best fill your several needs, you need your true Self to guide you.

        Why do people monolog? Though every person and situation is unique, the person may need to...

avoid an uncomfortable dialog; or...

keep control of the situation (avoid discomfort); or...

be understood and validated on a topic; or to...

release "nervous energy;" or...

pass the time safely; or to...

tell an important story (again, as in grieving); or need...

something else.

        When you're with someone who fills needs like these by monologing (keeping a one-person awareness bubble), consider your...

Response Options

  • Use awareness to notice (a) the other person's monologing, and (b) how you feel and (c) what you need in this situation (above);

  • As needed, mentally review these basics until they become automatic;

  • Watch for a chance to interrupt the other person, and say one or more of these:

"(Name), excuse me. Can I give you some personal feedback now?" If s/he says "No" or "OK, But first let me ______ ;" choose the right time to demand:

"I need you to stop (talking) and listen to me now." Repeat this until s/he stops.

"When you talk non-stop, I tune you out."

"You've been talking nonstop for ____ minutes. Are you aware of that?"

"When you talk on and on and don't seek any response from me, I feel ignored, disrespected, and frustrated."

"Can you sum up what you need me to know here?" (If s/he does, offer a hearing check to demonstrate you've heard the person clearly.

"(Name), what do you need from me right now?"  If s/he ignores or discounts you, try...

"(Name), who's needs are more important to you now - yours or mine?" The best answer is "Both of ours."

"Here's what I need from you right now:  __________, _________, and ________."

"(Name), I'm really not interested in all that detail."

Use the theme of these responses (brevity, sincerity, directness, and respect) to shape your own responses to fit the situation.

Finally...

  • People governed by a false self may "resist" responses like these. They may ignore you, com-plain, deny, excuse, explain, get sarcastic, blame, whine, go silent, etc. Expect this normal reaction, and affirm it with respectful empathic listening. Then calmly repeat your original re-sponse with steady eye contact. Repeat this sequence until you get your needs met well enough or your needs change.

        Back away from these details, and compare these examples to the way you're used to respon-ding to distractions. Are you motivated to try these options and see what happens?

Recap

        This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting effective ways to respond to common social be-haviors. This article offers (a) perspective on why people talk non-stop (monolog), and (b) illustrates ways to respond effectively to them. The ways are based on...

  • keeping your true Self in charge,

  • maintaining a mutual-respect attitude,

  • clarity on your feelings, needs, and mutual rights, ; and...

  • fluency in the relationship skills of awareness, assertion, and empathic listening.

+ + +

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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Updated  03.06.10