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        This is one of a series of brief articles on how to respond effectively to annoying social behavior.  Review these basic requisites and options before selecting ideas from what follows. An "effective re-sponse" occurs when the responder (a) gets their primary needs met well enough, and (b) both people feel respected enough.

        This article offers useful responses to the behavior of someone you experience as egotistical or Narcissistic." It assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this Web site and the premises underlying it self-study Lessons 1 and 2 basic options for all responses how to give effective feedback to someone ways to improve communication with adults and kids. overviews of effective assertion and empathic listening skills.

Perspective

        Ego is the Latin word for "I." How would you define egotism to an average preteen? What traits do the egotists you've met display? How do you feel around someone who is egotistical? How do you re-spond to them - with annoyance? Irritation? Repressed or overt disapproval? Scorn? Compassion? Amusement? Tolerance? Avoidance? What needs in you are not met well when you encounter an egotist - specially one whom you're forced to relate to, like a boss, in-law, or co-worker?

        Commonly, egotism refers to...

• often focusing on yourself, without guilt or apology,

• valuing your talents and achievements above other people's, and...

• minimizing or ignoring other people's needs, talents, and gifts.

Grandiosity is a special form of egotism where a person needs to distorts reality and see themselves and their actions as far superior to other people.

        Egotists can over-react to criticism, becoming angery, defensive, contemptuous, and/or blameful. They may have trouble listening to opinions that differ from theirs, and acknowledging other people's personal rights being equal to their own. They may or may not be rigid and prejudiced about some ideas or people, preach and moralize, and/or interrupt to focus on themselves. If egotists monolog about themselves, they may be boring, and they may have an irritating sense of entitlement.

        Narcissism comes from the mythological young man Narcissus, who fell in love with his own re-flection in a pool. Both Narcissists and egotists focus mainly on themselves. The former says "I really adore myself! The latter says "I am better than you,"

        In  my experience, egotism is an undeserved pejorative label. Typical egotists are psychologic-ally-wounded people with no concept of their wounds, what they mean, and what to do about them. They were probably shamed as young kids, or excessively praised and spoiled by insecure, shamed parents. Notice the difference between "S/He is an insensitive, arrogant egotist" and "S/He is very wounded and unaware."

Response Options

        Compare these options to your usual responses to on overly-egotistical or Narcissistic person:

• Check your attitude. If you're critical or scornful of the person, (a) your face, voice, and body will broadcast that and hinder communication, and (b) you may be ruled by a false self.

• Check your terminology. If you think or speak of the person as egotistical or Narcissistic, you risk unconsciously broadcasting an "I'm superior" R-message which will degrade your commu-nication. A more compassionate term is ''wounded and unaware.''

• Be aware of your feelings around the person. They point toward what you need. Dig down to identify your primary needs related to the person's attitude and behaviors. Common needs are (a) to feel included and respected, (b) to be heard and validated as an equal person, and (c) to assert your needs and opinions respectfully and effectively.  

• Stay aware of your conversational awareness bubbles . If the person maintains a 1-person bubble, consider telling her/him that as constructive feedback, not criticism. If you have a 1-person bubble, suspect a false self rules you.

• Review your personal Rights as a dignified, valuable person. Affirm that your needs and opinions are just as important as the other person's. If you don't feel this, suspect a false self dominates you.

• Avoid feeling you have to fix, save, or rescue the wounded person. You're responsible for filling your needs, and they are responsible for satisfying theirs. Worrying about "hurting their feelings" is enabling them, not helping them.

• Acknowledge that if you don't assert yourself with this person, they will probably continue their behavior and limit your relationship with them (and others).

• Compose a two or three-part ''I''-message (assertion), and get clear on why you want to assert - e.g. to vent, to honor your own integrity, to set a respectful boundary, to provide useful feedback, and/or something else..

• Ask if the person is willing to hear some personal feedback. You'll probably get "Yes" from either curiosity or politeness. If you get "No," suspect their distrustful false self is guarding them.

• When you both are undistracted, deliver your assertion calmly, with steady eye contact. That might sound like...

"(Name), when you constantly focus on yourself, I feel ignored and dis-respected..." Option - "and I need you to want to include me in our conversation." Option - "If you can't or won't, I'm going to end our conver-sation / call you on it / put my fingers in my ears / (or some other non-sar-castic consequence.)"

        If the person understands communication awareness bubbles, you can say something like...

"(Name), are you aware of your awareness bubble with me now?" Or...

"(Name), when you choose to maintain a 1-person bubble focused on yourself, I feel ignored, hurt, and resentful."

If s/he doesn't know about these bubbles, you can describe and illustrate them and then use the response above.

• Expect the person to disagree, whine, apologize, explain, laugh, criticize you, or give you some other "resistance" to your response. Use empathic listening to say back what you hear, without explanation or apology. Then calmly restate your original assertion. Repeat this assert > listen > reassert > listen... sequence until you (a) fill your need, (b) shift to problem-solving, or (c) run out of time or patience.

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - how do you feel about these response options to an egotistical or Narcissistic adult or child? Can you imagine trying them? How do they compare with your normal re-sponses?

        If your inner voices are saying things like "Too complicated!" / "People don't talk like this." / "It won't make a difference." / "This is just psychobabble." / "Better just shut up and avoid a conflict." - that's probably protective subselves who fear risking new behavior. Do you want to let them to run your life?

Recap

        This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting effective ways to respond to common social be-haviors. This article offers ways to (a) understand and (b) respond effectively to an egotistical or Narcis-sistic person. The ways are based on...

• keeping your true Self in charge,

• maintaining a mutual-respect attitude and a two-person awareness bubble

• clarity on your feelings, needs, and mutual Rights. and...

• fluency in the relationship skills of awareness, assertion, and empathic listening.

+ + +

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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Updated  09.01.10