The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/egotist.htm
Updated
04/30/2013
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This brief YouTube clip offers perspective on what
you'll read in this article:
This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior. An effective
response occurs
when you (a) get your
primary needs met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
respected enough.
This article offers useful responses to
the behavior of someone you experience as
egotistical or Narcissistic."
It assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro
to this Web site and the
premises
underlying it
Ego is the Latin word for "I." How would you
define egotism to an average preteen?
What traits do the egotists you've met display?
How do you feel around someone who is
egotistical? How do you respond to them -
with annoyance? Irritation? Repressed or overt
disapproval? Scorn? Compassion? Amusement?
Tolerance? Avoidance? What needs in you are not
met well when you encounter an egotist -
specially one whom you're forced to relate to,
like a boss, in-law, or co-worker?
Commonly,egotism
refers to...
often focusing
on yourself, without guilt or apology,
valuing your
talents and achievements above other
people's, and...
minimizing or
ignoring other people's needs, talents, and
gifts.
Grandiosity is a special form of
egotism where a person needs to distort reality
and see themselves and their actions as
significantly
superior to other people.
Egotists can over-react to criticism, becoming
angry, defensive, contemptuous, and/or blameful.
They may have trouble listening to opinions that
differ from theirs, and acknowledging other
people's personal
rights
being equal to their own. They may or may not be
rigid and
prejudiced about some
ideas or people, preach
and moralize, and/or
interrupt to focus on themselves. If
egotists monolog about themselves, they may be
boring, and they may
have an irritating sense of
entitlement.
Narcissism comes from the
mythological young man Narcissus, who fell in
love with his own reflection in a pool. Both
Narcissists and egotists focus mainly on
themselves. The former says "I really
adore
myself! The latter says "I am better than you,"
In my experience, egotism is an undeserved
pejorative label. Typical egotists are psychologically-wounded people with no concept
of their wounds, what they mean, and what to do
about them. They were probably shamed as young
kids, or excessively praised and spoiled by
insecure, shamed parents.
Notice the difference
between "S/He is an insensitive, arrogant egotist" and
"S/He is very wounded and unaware."
Response Options
Compare these options to your usual responses to
on overly-egotistical or Narcissistic person:
Check your
attitude.
If you're critical or scornful of the
person, (a) your face, voice, and body will
broadcast that and hinder communication, and
(b) you may be ruled by a
false self.
Check your terminology. If you think
or speak of the person as egotistical or
Narcissistic, you risk unconsciously
broadcasting an "I'm superior"
R-message
which will degrade your communication. A
more compassionate term is
''wounded
and
unaware.''
Be
aware of your feelings around the
person. They point toward what you
need.
Dig down
to identify your primary needs related to
the person's attitude and behaviors. Common
needs are (a) to feel included and
respected, (b) to be heard and validated as
an equal person, and (c) to
assert
your needs and opinions respectfully and
effectively.
Stay
aware of your conversational
awareness bubbles . If the person maintains a 1-person
bubble, consider telling her/him that as
constructive feedback, not criticism. If
you have a 1-person bubble, suspect a
false self controls you.
Review your personal
rights
as a dignified, valuable person.
Affirm that your needs and opinions are just
as important as the other person's. If you
don't feel this, suspect a false self
dominates you.
Avoid feeling you have to fix, save, or
rescue the wounded person. You're
responsible
for filling your needs, and they are
responsible for satisfying theirs. Worrying
about "hurting their feelings" is
enabling
them, not helping them.
Acknowledge that
if you don't assert yourself with this
person, they will probably continue their
behavior and limit your relationship with
them (and others).
Compose a two or three-part
''I''-message
(assertion), and get clear on
why
you want to assert - e.g. to vent, to honor
your own integrity, to set a respectful
boundary, to provide useful feedback, and/or
something else..
Ask
if the person is willing to hear some
personal feedback. You'll probably
get "Yes" from either curiosity or
politeness. If you get "No," suspect their
distrustful false self is guarding them.
When you both
are undistracted, state your assertion
calmly, with steady eye contact. That might
sound like...
"(Name), when you constantly focus on
yourself, I feel ignored and
dis-respected..."Option
- "and I need you to want to include
me in our conversation." Option
- "If you can't or won't, I'm going to
end our conversation / call you on it /
put my fingers in my ears / (or some
other non-sarcastic consequence.)"
If the person understands communication
awareness bubbles,
you can say something like...
"(Name), are you aware of your awareness
bubble with me now?"
Or...
"(Name),
when you choose to maintain a 1-person
bubble focused on yourself, I feel
ignored, hurt, and resentful."
If s/he
doesn't know about these bubbles, you
can describe and illustrate them and then
use the response above.
Expect
the person to disagree, whine, apologize,
explain, laugh, criticize you, or give you
some other "resistance"
to
your response. Use
empathic listening
to say back what you hear, without
explanation or apology. Then
calmly restate your original assertion. Repeat this
assert > listen > reassert > listen...
sequence until you (a) fill your need, (b)
shift to
problem-solving,
or (c) run out of time or patience.
Pause, breathe, and reflect.
How do you feel
about these response options to an egotistical
or Narcissistic adult or child? Can you imagine
trying them? How do they compare with your
normal responses?
If your inner voices are saying things like "Too
complicated!" / "People don't talk like this." /
"It won't make a difference." / "This is just
psychobabble." / "Better just shut up and avoid
a conflict." - that's probably protective
subselves
who fear risking new behavior. Do you want to
let them to run your life?
Recap
This is one of a series of brief articles
suggesting effective ways to respond to common
social behaviors. This article offers ways to
(a) understand and (b) respond effectively to an
egotistical or Narcissistic person. The ways are
based on...
clarity on your
feelings, needs, and mutual
rights. and...
fluency in the
relationship skills of awareness, assertion,
and empathic listening.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
do you need? Who's
answering these questions - your
true Self, or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/egotist.htm
Perspective