The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/assume.htm
Updated
04/11/15
Clicking underlined links here will open a
new window. Other links will open an informational popup,
so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
If your playback device doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display.
Follow underlined links after
finishing this article to avoid getting lost.
This is one of a series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior. An effective response occurs
when you get your
met
well enough, and both people feel
enough.
This article offers (a) perspective on
assumptions, and (b) sample effective
responses to someone who assumes "too much."
It
assumes you're familiar with...
If there's a person in your life who annoys or
frustrates you by over-assuming things. keep them in
mind as you read this.
Perspective
I assume you make assumptions about people and
situations all the time - yes? Can you describe
what an assumption is, as tho to a
pre-teen? How about "An assumption is a
guess about something you don't really know."
For example, I assume (guess) that the sun will
set this evening, and rise again tomorrow
morning."
Do you ever make assumptions about...
-
people's
feelings, needs, thoughts, motives and
behaviors?
-
past and future
events?
-
spiritual
realities, and a Higher Power's abilities,
motives, powers, and intentions?
-
Holy Book
prophases?
-
death, an
afterlife, and the origin and meaning of
life?
-
the character,
morality, and credibility of some public
figures and authorities?
-
how you'll feel
tomorrow?
-
people's
inherent goodness or badness?
-
what your
retirement will be like?
-
global warming
and terrorism?
-
what you can and
cannot do?
-
UFOs, magic,
fairies, guardian angels, and miracles?
Do you agree that generalizing is a form
of assuming? - e.g. "All Englishmen are stolid
and unemotional," or "Men only want one thing
from a woman."
Premise - kids and adults automatically
make assumptions about living things and the
world in order to provide a sense of order.
That's partly a defense against being
overwhelmed by fear of the unknown, and being
unable to understand and prepare for certain
events and people. Some assumptions provide hope
and a direction in confusing times or
relationships ("I know Paco will be late
again!"). Other assumptions breed anxiety, hurt,
anger, shame, and despair.
Some assumptions are based on facts, reason, and
experience, and others are based on superstition, hunches, emotions, and
misinformation. This causes behaviors ranging
between beneficial and harmful to the assumer
and affected people.
Some aware people identify
their assumptions ("I assume you're not
interested in the bull fight."), and others
state them as tho they're absolute facts
("Conspirators killed President Kennedy!") The
dividing line between assumptions and
prejudice can be debatable.
How do
you feel when you're with someone who assumes
"too much" or wrongly about you or something
else?
|
Amused
Combative |
Impatient
Indifferent |
Critical
Resentful |
Scornful
Pitying |
How do you usually
react?
|
Confront
Discount
Debate
Endure |
Correct
Disagree
Laugh
Hint |
Interrupt
Generalize
Chide
Joke |
Lecture
Analyze
Scold
Seethe |
|
Change
the subject |
Stop
listening |
Your reaction probably depends on your
personality, your relationship, and the
situation. Whatever you do, doe it fill your
needs with the person? If not, consider these...
Response Options
-
Use
to notice the person is assuming too much or
wrongly;
-
Mentally
review...
-
these
basic options
until they become automatic;
-
your mutual
rights
as dignified persons;
-
how to give
effective
feedback to another person, and...
-
how to
and
effectively.
-
Identify what
you
feel around the over-assuming
person. Your emotions point to what you
need.
-
Identify what
you
need
- to vent? Confront? Learn? Discuss? Set or
enforce a limit? Give
feedback? Correct the other person's
assumption? Something else?
If
the Person is Over-assuming About You
"(Name) are you open to some personal
feedback?" If you get "No," you have
a
different
problem than mind-reading.
"Are you aware
of how often you make assumptions about me?"
"When you make
assumptions about what I think / feel / need
/ intend I feel _________ (and I need you to
stop assuming, and ask me.)"
"You're assuming
I _________. When you assume, I feel
disrespected and irritated (or whatever)"
"Why do you
assume I __________?"
"No, you're
wrong (about ________)."
"Try walking a
mile in my shoes before you make guesses
about me."
"Seems like
you're having trouble empathizing with /
understanding me."
If
the Person is Over-assuming
About Someone or
Something Else
"Do you know
that, or are you assuming it?"
"Why do you
assume that?"
"I don't think
you're considering the whole picture."
"I don't think you know enough / are
qualified / have enough information / to assume that."
"I don't agree
with your assumption/s."
"I discount your
opinions when you assume so much."
-
Notice the theme
of these responses (clear, respectful,
direct, and brief), and adapt them to your
own style.
-
After you respond,
expect
the other person to "resist" you
- i.e. to
excuse, explain, argue deny, bluster, go
silent, avoid eye contact, whine, etc. Use
empathic listening if they do (e.g. "So you
think I'm over critical of you.") and then
repeat your statement or assertion calmly,
with steady eye contact. Do this as often as
necessary until you get your needs met or
your needs change
Can you think of someone who "mind reads" you or
over-assumes? Imagine using one or more of these
responses when your true Self guides you. How do
you think the person would feel and react? How
would you feel?
