Pop-psychology materials refer to
"emotional unavailability" as a significant
relationship problem. In my experience, authors
and gurus avoid trying to define that, and/or
assume audiences know what it is. Can you define
it? Have you ever met an adult or child who was
"unavailable" - e.g. a relative or ro-mantic
partner?
Let's say that an "unavailable" person is
mostly "in their head" - i.e. usually analytic and intellec-tual. If you ask "What are you
feeling?" they often say "I don't know" or
"Nothing." The opposite trait is emotional
availability - meaning the person can
appropriately feel and express their emotions
and thoughts.
In important relationships like mate-mate and
parent-child, if one person is often
unavailable, the other person may feel
frustrated, disconnected, and anxious. Effective
communication requires a verbal and nonverbal
exchange of thoughts and feelings - do
you agree?
Premise -
often sustain up to six psychological
The most
tragic wound is an inability to feel and
form genuine emotional attachments to
(bond
with) some or most people. Clinically, this is
called
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).
Literature describes such adults as "not
(normal) marriage material."
Common behavioral symptoms of RAD include
emotional "flatness," little "affect," a "frozen
face and body," "woodenness," impassiveness,
an "expressionless" face, little verbal
inflection, difficulty feeling and expressing
the normal range of human emotions, and
superficial, broken, or no significant relationships.
The most
tragic cases involve parents who can't bond with, or feel or express genuine love for, their children.
Some cultures and families prize stoicism and
"self control" (minimizing emotions, as in the
British advice to "keep a stiff upper lip," and
stereotypic Oriental "inscrutability") -
specially in males. That can be amplified by a
genetic tendency is some males to mute their
emotions and be less "sensitive" than typical
females. There are many exceptions.
By late adolescence or early adulthood, most
RAD sufferers have learned through observing others
to unconsciously pretend degrees of emotion to gain social
acceptance. Often, other people grow doubts or
distrust because the (wounded) person may not
seem genuine or "real."
Implication - if you try to relate to an
"emotionally-unavailable" person, compassion
for their wounds and stunted relationships is a
more appropriate response than pity, criticism,
or complaints. Few such afflicted people or
supporters understand this psychological
condition or know what to do about it.
For more
perspective, see
this.
Response Options
Imagine what a RAD child or adult needs from
other people (like you). How about
acceptance, respect, honesty,
empathy,
compassion, sincerity,
affirmation, encouragement, friendship,
kindness, healthy humor, and factual information
about their condition? These
can sound like...
"(Name), I
appreciate it when you're able to say how
you feel."
"(Name), I feel
good when you recognize how I feel and need.
Thanks!"
"(Name), it
seems that you're pretty content living by
yourself these days."
"(Name), can you
tell me what you think when people ask you
what you feel?"
"How did your
Mother and Father show affection to you?"
"It seems that
you need to keep your distance from most
people."
"What kinds of
things bring up the strongest feelings in
you?"
"What's your
definition of a satisfying relationship (or
friendship)?"
"(Name), at
times it's hard for me to be with you
because I can't tell how you're feeling
(about me / us)."
"I enjoy
socializing with other people more than you
do."
"You seem 'on
guard' most of the time - at least with me."
If
responses like these make sense to you, then
does anything prevent you from using them
with "unavailable" kids or adults? Five things
that can get in the way are...
-
unawareness -
not perceiving the "unavailability" or how
it affects you and your relationship;
-
ignorance - not
understanding what causes it, and what it
means for the person;
-
being ruled by a
false self (wounded) and not admitting that
and what it means; and...
-
a toxic social
environment.which fosters (a) stoicism, or
(b) criticism, scorn, indifference,
unrealistic expectations, and rejection of
an "unavailable" child or adult; and...
-
rationalizing or
denying these factors ("I'm not
unaware, ignorant, and wounded!")
Do
any of these pertain to you now? If so, are you
motivated to improve them? Notice the
implication -
if you
have trouble relating to an "unavailable"
person, it's likely the problem is with you
not them.
Responses to Avoid
Without awareness of these five blockers, people
(you) can respond in hurtful ways like these...
-
Expecting the
"unavailable" person to change by willpower
alone.
They
can't, unless they com-mit to
personal recovery from false-self wounds;
-
Complaining and
criticizing - e.g. "After all I've done for
you, you forgot my birthday - again!"
-
Blaming - "You
say I'm important to you, but you never
call."
-
Questioning -
"How come you never ask about your grandkids
or visit them?
-
Gossiping - "Can
you believe it? Paco didn't want to go to
the doctor with his wife. Louisa is so
upset!"
-
Lecturing - "You
never disclose your feelings. You need to
see a shrink!"
-
Sarcasm and
scorn - "For you, intimacy is a four-letter
word."
-
Judging and
name-calling - "People who don't care about
other people are really selfish and
pathetic, don't you think?"
-
Labeling - "Poor
Portia - she's a real social cripple."
/ "Rudy just won't make the effort."
-
Indignation and
resentment - "Is it too much to ask that you
call and tell me you'll be late?"
-
Pretense and
denial - "Why no - I really do enjoy
being with you. Really."
-
Puzzling - "Lou
insists he loves me, but I don't feel
loved!"
-
Avoiding -
"Marta's a real cold fish, but I'd never
tell her that. It'd hurt her feelings."
-
Advising - "You
should socialize more. Get out and have some
fun! Life's passing you by!"
-
Thinking
things like this but not saying them.
Notice
your thought and feelings now. Do you see any
themes in these examples?
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/unavailable.htm