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This is one of a
series
of articles in Lesson 4 -
optimize your relationships. Use this worksheet
to assess the valuable aspects of a special present or past relationship,
and aspects that cause you tension or distress.
Suggestions:
-
Print one or several copies of this
worksheet;
-
Get in an undistracted space, and allot at
least 30" to do this worksheet and reflect;
-
Check
to see if your
is
your other subselves
If not, see
and be alert for
-
Have extra paper, if you feel like
writing impressions, thoughts, or reactions;
-
Use colored markers to hilight any
special points;
-
Adopt the
open, curious "mind of a student,"
and remind yourself this is not about blaming or faultfinding. Rather this information
can be valuable raw material for affirmations and problem-solving.
-
If questions don't apply, re-word or skip
them.
-
Review this summary of the ingredients for
a healthy relationship, and note your
reactions.
-
Pick the current or past
relationship with a special adult you want to evaluate;
-
You can also guess how your partner
would respond to a given item by using "x" or another symbol.
-
There are no
"correct" answers other
than yours!
The
goal here is to give you and a partner a chance to
clarify aspects of your
relationship, affirm the good parts, and
identify things that could
strengthen it.
Relationship
Factors:
[+]
= strength; [o]
= neither [-]
=
stressor
Wholistic Health
1) I'm usually
by my
or I am committed to increasing true-Self guidance via
some form of
("parts work")
(+ / o /
-
)
2) I have _
myself honestly for false-self
and am _ committed to making
significant progress
those that I found
(+ / o /
-
)
3) I am committed
to maintaining healthy exercise and diet, and balancing work, play, and rest
(+ /
o / -
)
4) In calm and
stressful times, I'm consistently _ aware of and _ assertive of my needs and
personal rights as a valuable,
lovable, unique person;
(+ /
o / -
)
5) I am evolving a
healthy
which nourishes and guides me in calm and stressful times
(+ /
o / -
)
6) You are usually
guided by your
true Self or you are clearly committed to increasing true-Self
guidance via some form of
inner-family therapy ("parts work")
(+ / o /
-
)
7)
You have _
assessed honestly for psychological wounds and _ are firmly committed to making significant progress
reducing those that you found
(+ / o /
-
)
8)
You are committed to maintaining
healthy exercise and diet, and balancing work, play, and rest (+ /
o / - )
9) In calm and
stressful times, my partner is consistently _ aware of and _ assertive of
his / her needs and personal
rights
as a valuable, lovable, unique person
(+ /
o / -
)
10) You are
evolving a healthy
spiritual faith which nourishes and guides you in calm and stressful times
(+ /
o / -
)
Bonding, Love, and Empathy
11)
I am able to form genuine, healthy
with you and other people
(+ / o /
-
)
12)
You are able to form genuine, healthy
bonds with me and other people (+ /
o / -
)
13)
I consistently feel healthy
(vs. egotism)
(+ /
o / -
)
14)
You consistently feel healthy self-love
(vs. egotism) (+ /
o / -
)
15) I feel deeply and consistently
loved by you
often enough
(+ /
o / -
)
16)
I love you despite
your shortcomings and limitations (+ /
o / -
)
17) You feel deeply
and consistently loved by me often enough
(+ /
o / -
)
18) You genuinely
love me despite my shortcomings and limitations
(+ /
o / -
)
19) I’m comfortable enough with the love and/or
respect you show my kid/s (if any)
(+ /
o / -
)
20) I feel
enough love and/or respect for
your
child/ren (if any)
(+ /
o / -
)
21) I’m OK
enough with your feelings about your
ex-spouse
(if any) (+ /
o / -
)
22)
Im able to
well enough with you and other people (+ / o / - )
23)
You're able to empathize well enough with me and orther people (+ / o/
-)
24)
(other)
(+ /
o / -
)
25) (other)
(+ /
o / -
)
Affection,
Appreciation, and
Support
26) You spontaneously express these to me
often
enough (+ /
o / -
)
27) I like the ways you express them
(+ / o /
-
)
28) You touch / hug
/ caress me often enough
(+ /
o / -
)
29) I feel truly and consistently
supported enough
by you (+ /
o / -
)
30) (other)
____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
31) (other)
____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
Our
Communication
32) I feel
you usually
understand my major _ feelings, _ thoughts, and _ needs
(+ / o /
-
)
33) I feel clear on
your _ feelings, _ needs, and
_ opinions, often enough (+ /
o / -
)
34) We handle most of our conflicts
promptly and fairly
enough (+ /
o / -
)
35)
We
_
resolve our major disagreements - including
- well enough, and _ they usually
stay resolved. (+ /
o / -
)
36)
We
vs. argue, fight, or avoid, consistently enough.
(+ /
o / -
)
37) You
share enough of your
_ ideas, _ fears, _ dreams,
and _ emotions with me. (+ /
o / -
)
38) I feel you really
to me respectfully, often
enough. (+ /
o / -
)
39) We usually don't confuse
listening with agreeing.
(+ / o /
-
)
40) We have no major topics that aren't
safe to discuss
honestly and directly
(+ /
o / -
)
41) You're willing to
talk about
us in the present,
(vs. past or future) enough
(+ /
o / -
)
42) I usually
feel
safe enough with you to
tell you my thoughts, needs, and hopes
(+ /
o / -
)
43) We can spot and resolve key
communication
well
enough (+ /
o / -
)
Our Goals and
Expectations
44) We're usually
clear enough on what we
expect from each other (+ /
o / -
)
45) We
agree enough on what I expect of you in our
relationship (+ /
o / -
)
46) We
agree enough on what you expect of me in our
relationship (+ /
o / -
)
47) I feel our main life-goals and relationship-goals are
compatible enough
(+ /
o / -
)
48) I like the
mix
of your goals, mine, and ours
(+ /
o / -
)
49) (other)
____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
50) (other)
____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
Socializing and Friends
51) I like the mix and balance of your friends, mine, and
ours (+ /
o / -
)
52) We spend enough
time with _ your friends, _ mine,
and _ ours (+ /
o / -
)
53) Our
and limits with our friends are
comfortable enough for me
(+ /
o / -
)
54) I like the way we usually socialize together
(+ / o /
-
)
55)
(other) ____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
56) (other)
____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
Our Relatives,
In-laws,
and Ex In-Laws
57) I get along well
enough with
your parent/s,
sib/s, and other relatives (+ /
o / -
)
58) I
like your attitude about
my parent/s,
sibling/s, and other kin (+ /
o / -
)
59) We spend enough
time with _ your family and _ mine (+ /
o / -
)
60) Our boundaries and limits with our families are
comfortable enough for me (+ /
o / -
)
61) (other)
____________________________________________________
(+ / o /
-
)
62) (other)
____________________________________________________
(+ / o /
-
)
Our Interests and Activities
63) I enjoy the range of interests we have in common
(+ / o /
-
)
64) I like the mix of your interests, mine, and ours
(+ / o /
-
)
65) I feel good enough about the
time we allocate to doing
things together (+ /
o / -
)
66) (other)
_____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
67) (other)
_____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
Sensuality and
Sexual Intimacy
68)
I'm satisfied well enough with our lovemaking _ frequency and _ usual
pace
(+ / o /
-
)
69) I
_ usually feel
satisfied enough, and _ really enjoy satisfying you
(+ / o /
-
)
70) Our balance of
who initiates sensual intimacy is
OK enough (+ /
o / -
)
71) The variety of our sensual experiences together is
satisfying enough (+ /
o / -
)
72) We usually can
talk freely enough about
our sensual needs together
(+ /
o / -
)
73) You’re aware of and
responsive enough to my
sensual needs (+ /
o / -
)
74) (other)
____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
75) (other) ____________________________________________________
(+ / o /
-
)
Our Power and Status Balances
76) We balance
leading and following well
enough (+ /
o / -
)
77) Neither of us is
too
on,
or too independent from, the other
(+ /
o / -
)
78) You willingly go along with
my preferences often enough
(+ / o /
-
)
79) I feel our ability to
compromise and
flex when we have
to is a real asset (+ /
o / -
)
80) I feel that we’re clearly
partners, vs. opponents,
often enough (+ /
o / -
)
81) I’m satisfied enough with
who makes our major
life-decisions now (+ /
o / -
)
82) (other)
____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
83) (other)
____________________________________________________ (+ /
o / -
)
Priorities
and
Commitment:
I feel
important enough with you, often enough, vs.:
84) the child/ren (if any)
(+ / o / - )
85) your prior partner/s (if any)
(+ /
o / -
)
86) your
_ family and _ friends (+ /
o / - )
87) your
_ work, _ school, _ hobbies,
_ church, _ _______________ (+ /
o / - )
88) (other)
__________________________________________
(+ / o / - )
89) My
commitment to nurturing and protecting our
relationship is consistently among my top three priorities - mainly from genuine desire,
vs. anxiety or duty (+ /
o / - )
90) I’m consistently satisfied with
your demonstrated
(vs. stated) commitment to nurturing and protecting our relationship
(+ / o / - )
Respect
91)
I generally respect
your
_ values, _ goals, and _
actions highly
(+ / o /
- )
92)
I usually feel respected enough
(+ / o /
- )
93)
I’m comfortable enough with
my level of
(+ /
o / - )
94)
I’m comfortable enough with
your level of self
respect (+ /
o / - )
95) (other) __________________________________________
(+ / o /
- )
The Web
address of this inventory is
http://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/profile.htm
