The Web address of this article is
https://sfhelp.org/sf/pro_con.htm
Updated
05/31/2015
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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily.
These articles augment other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Man stepfamily commentators focus on how to avoid and resolve
stepfamily problems, rather than the potential benefits
of belonging to a healthy stepfamily.This article
explores common advantages and disadvantages of being in a
typical stepfamily, compared to normal intact and two-home
biofamilies.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this Web site,
and the premises underlying it;
This
brief YouTube video sets the stage for what you're about
to read:
Perspective
High-nurturance ("functional") families of any sort
consistently fill the primary needs of their members. Low-nurturance
families don't. Typical stepfamilies have more people,
roles, relationships, and developmental tasks than average
intact biofamilies, so it's harder to fill everyone's needs
well enough, often enough. Because prior divorce suggests
psychological wounding and unawareness in both mates,
stepfamily mates are apt to be significantly wounded.
Factor
Stepfamily Pro
Stepfamily Con
Mates' satisfaction
Initially higher, vs. being
single
Apt to decay, due to
psychological wounds and many concurrent
stressors
Parenting effectiveness
More adults to help
More chances for complex
conflicts
Minor kids' development
May be healthier than in a
single-parent family
May be hindered because of
many adjustment tasks and stresses
Grandparents' satisfaction
May be higher than if their
child is single
Probably lower, due to alien
stepfamily roles and compound stressors
Siblings
Only-children can gain one or
more sisters or brothers
Loyalty conflicts and
competitions more likely,
Financial security
Probably higher than a
single-parent family
More problems likely (e.g.
child support and values conflicts)
Family support
May be higher than single-parenting
because more relatives
May be less if relatives
conflict and/or disapprove
Try a "Benefit Hunt"
To make this subject more real and less abstract, consider doing some form
of this exercise the next time you gather with your (step)family members:
Pick a comfortable place with few distractions, and allot
enough time to do this experience;
Give a brief introduction as to what you're about to do
and why;
Offer some safety guidelines, like "you can observe and
say 'I pass' if you need to, without guilt;"
Illustrate some common stepfamily benefits like those
above; and then...
Invite each willing person to identify (a) one or more
benefits they feel your stepfamily provides them recently or long-term,
and (b) what former family environment they're comparing to. If useful,
help people get started by inviting them to complete sentences like...
What I appreciate about our stepfamily recently
is..."
This family feels better to me than (another family)
because..."
Something our stepfamily offers me that I never had
before is..."
If we lost our stepfamily, I'd really miss..."
"When I'm old, I'll probably be glad that our
stepfamily..."
"Something my friends like about our stepfamily
is..."
"Compared to other families, we..."
(your choice)
Encourage comments and discussion, and when you feel
"done," encourage awareness and feedback by asking people to reflect and
comment on "What are you aware of now?"; or "How was this exercise for
you?"; or "What, if anything, did you just learn about us?
Consider doing a similar exercise in identifying your
stepfamily's strengths. Use this multi-part
worksheet as a guide or resource.
Key Factors
Which stepfamily benefits seem significant to each child and adult at a
given time will depend on a mix of factors like these:
the person's
basic attitude toward life: glass half full, or half empty? This
is strongly influenced by whether the person's
personality is
guided by her
or his
true Self or a protective
Skeptic / Pessimist subself;
where the
stepfamily is on their developmental path.
Those early in their development are often beset by the most
simultaneous
problems which can
eclipse benefits like those above. A key developmental factor is how
each member is progressing at grieving their prior
and new
losses (broken bonds);
how
aware and informed the
stepfamily's adults and key supporters are about
key topics. Less aware
and informed usually means more concurrent role and relationship
problems, and less odds of appreciating current and long-term benefits;
how
effective co-parents and
supporters are at communicating and resolving their
primary problems together;
whether
stepfamily mates chose the right
people to commit to, at
the right
time, for the
right
reasons. Those who
did are more likely to experience and appreciate the great potential
benefits of co-creating a stepfamily;
how successful
co-parents are at overcoming their teamwork
barriers together.
This largely depends their combined motivation to help
each other progress on these
seven Lessons over time;
and...
Each stepfamily will have a unique mix of factors like these which
determine if and how often they help each other affirm their benefits and
strengths. Which factors are most important in your stepfamily now?
Perspective: Millions of average U.S. stepfamilies eventually
divorce legally or psychologically. Their hopes, commitments, and set of benefits succumb to their mix
of core stressors. This hilights how
essential it is for courting co-parents to do
these Lessons together to
make three wise stepfamily-commitment choices.
The guidebook for this adventure isStepfamily Courtship (Xlibris Corp, 2002).
Recap
Adults and kids get benefits and stresses from belonging to
their unique family. Some benefits only become
apparent in middle or later life. ("I really loved our bi-annual
hayride reunions in Colorado!") Stepfamily complexity and stressors make
it specially important - and difficult - for co-parents and kids affirm
their unique benefits and strengths together while they're
mastering significant problems.
Hilights some common benefits for kids, co-parents, and
relatives living in a healthy stepfamily,
proposes a way you can identify
your stepfamily benefits
together, and...
illustrates key factors that shape how often and how well
the adults and kids appreciate the good things they enjoy from stepfamily
life.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article.
Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If
not - what
do
you need? Is there anyone
you want to discuss these ideas with?
Who's
answering these questions - your wise resident
true Self
or
'someone else'?
The Web address of this article is
https://sfhelp.org/sf/pro_con.htm
Perspective
