How would you describe a "power struggle" to an
average 11-year-old? What do you feel is the
difference - if any - between a power struggle
and an argument? A debate? In the
context of relation-ships, how would you explain
conversational "power"?
Premise - for our purposes, let's say
that a "power struggle" occurs when two (or
more) people try to convince the other/s that
they each "know best," or "are right."
The person with the most power can
make the other/s agree and do what s/he wants
them to do.
The opposite of power struggle is win-win
This is a
process where each person (a) identifies what
they each need, and (b) brainstorms a way for
both sets of needs to be voluntarily met "well
enough." The combined "power' of both/all people
is directed towards filling their respective
needs.
A characteristic if typical power struggles is
that one or both people feel really heard
by the other. Person "A" states something, and
person "B" says "Yes but..." or equivalent.
Instead of both focusing on their needs, they
focus on persuading the other to "give in" or
"see it my way." \
Another payoff for some power-struggle fans is
simply the excitement of verbal combat. Have you
ever met someone who seemed to relish arguing
and debating about almost anything? "Winning"
may be less important to them than simply
hooking you into an entertaining high-energy
dialog. In a sense they're trying to persuade
you to engage with them, whether you want to or
not.
Two annoying aspects of typical power struggles
are (a) one or both people feeling disrespected,
and (b) one partner not agreeing to stop the
struggle. ("Alex follows me around the house
yammering at me.") Has this happened to you?
Can you think of a recent power struggle with an
adult or child? Recall how you felt as it
progres-sed - Frustrated? Irritated?
Disrespected? Unheard? Combative? Weary?
Determined? Energized? Amused? Challenged? Did
you get your needs met? Did you feel like a
"winner"; or "loser"?
Premises -
a person
who needs to engage others in a power struggle
is probably ruled by a well-meaning false self.
Where this is true, using logic to
respond to them is as pointless as arguing with
an fanatic.
It takes
two (or more) people to maintain a power
struggle. If you won't participate, the struggle
stops. Implication - you can
decide at any time whether to struggle or not.
What communication choices do you have?
Response Options
-
Use your
skill to recognize that you're beginning a
power struggle. Remind yourself what that
means (above).
-
Mentally review
these
until they become automatic.
-
Identify what
you feel. Your emotions point
to what you need now.
-
what you need - specifically - with
this person. To vent? Learn? Persuade?
Disengage? Confront? Problem solve? Then
choose one or more responses like these.
"(Name),
are you willing to hear some personal
feedback?" If you get "No," you have
a different
problem to respond to.
"(Name), I'm not interested in a power
struggle / debate / argument / fight now."
"You and I see
this (topic) differently. Let's agree to
disagree, OK?"
"What do you
need from me right now?"
"Whose needs do you see as most
important now - yours or mine?" (The
best answer is "Both of ours.")
"So you think / feel / need
___________." (This is a
hearing check, not an agree-ment.")
"I would rather
this than debate it with you."
"(Name), what's
your definition of a 'power struggle'?"
"What's your
opinion on how to best deal with a
"How would you
describe the process between us now?"
"(Name), I need
to change the subject."
"What does it
mean to you that I don't see this the way
you do?"
"Sorry, I'm not
willing to (do what you want) now (and I'm
done talking about it)."
"I sense that a
false self is
guiding
you now (and I'd rather talk with your true
Self)."
-
With responses like these, expect the
other person to "resist" - i.e. to bluster,
deny, argue, accuse you, whine, manipulate,
complain, threaten, go quiet (shut down),
avoid eye contact, repeat themselves, play
"Yes. but...", deflect, change the focus,
etc.
When they do, respond with respectful
and calmly restate your original
response. Repeat this sequence until you
fill your needs or your needs change.
-
If
you'd rather demonstrate the
silliness of a power struggle, ask the
person to take two minutes for a safe,
interesting exercise. Face each other
about a foot apart, and extend right arms in
an "L" shape so your forearms are both
pointed upward. Bring your forearms
together, and clasp hands loosely. With
steady eye contact, one of you say "I'm
right!" and rotate the other per-son's
arm 90 degrees to the left. Don't resist -
this is not arm wrestling.
Then the other person says forcefully
"No, I'M right!" and rotate both
your arms 180 degrees to the right.
Alternate this (left, right, left...) ,
increasing your loudness and intensities,
with steady eye contact. See if you can keep
this up for several minutes without
laughing. Then discuss what it felt like.
Think of someone who's tried to hook you into a
power struggle recently. Imagine getting steady
eye contact and using one or more of these
response options with the person. What do you
think s/he would do? How would you feel?
Note
that if you initiate a power
struggle, you're probably controlled by a
Your best response then is to make
your true Self a high priority!
Responses to Avoid
Because power struggles are inherently
antagonistic and combative, they invite
high-energy sub-selves to
your Self. They are apt to make lose-lose
responses like these:
"You just don't get it, do you?"
"You're not
listening to me. What I'm trying to get you
to see is ________."
"You're way off
base / nuts / crazy / prejudiced /
ignorant!"
"No one in their
right mind would believe that!"
"You'll say
anything to have the last word, won't you?"
"You love
arguing / debating / playing 'yes, but...' /
don't you?"
"You can't stand
being wrong, can you?"
"Blah, blah,
blah..."
"You've made
that point about ten times now."
These are disrespectful, provocative "You"
messages (put downs) guaranteed to stoke the
battle.
Here's another option...
The "I'm Right!" Exercise
Are
there kids or adults in your
life with whom you "argue?"
Do each of you get focused
on "winning," getting "your
way," and/or "being right"?
In most cases, such contests
are lose-lose, because both
comba-tants feel
disrespected, unheard, and
frustrated. Better options
are win-win problem-solving,
or - in the case of *values*
conflicts - agreeing
respectfully to disagree.
Try this safe, powerful way
to illustrate the silliness
and futility of "I'm right!
No, I am!" battles:
-
Agree you have a power
struggle, without blame
or guilt;
-
Stand and face your
partner from about 12"
away. Each of you make
an "L" shape with your
right arm so your
forearms are vertical
and touching.
-
Clasp your right hands
gently, and hold
comfortable eye contact.
-
One of you start by
saying with some
firmness "I'm
right." As you
do, rotate both your
arms leftward to
horizontal. Don't use
physical strength and
don't resist - this is
not a physical contest.
Do not smile.
-
With steady eye contact,
the second person says
"No, *I'M*
right!" and
rotates both your arms
rightward 180 degrees to
horizontal.
-
The first person says
more forcefully
"NO! I Am
RIGHT!" and
rotates both arms back
180 degrees to
horizontal.
-
Repeat this sequence
four or more times,
escalating the tone and
power of your voice and
the speed of
arm-rotation each time.
Keep steady eye contact,
and don't joke or grin.
-
See what you feel and
think, and discuss
this together as
teammates. Usually
you'll both wind up
laughing...
This
exercise vividly illustrates
(vs. explains) the
pointlessness of arguing -
i.e. trying to persuade each
other "You're wrong and I'm
right!" A variation is to
say "I (did 'x'" and rotate)
and the other person says
"No, you didn't," and
rotates back) Try that for
6-8 times, and see what you
feel... This exercise can be
specially helpful with
stubborn (insecure and/or
bored) kids.
For more ideas, see these response-options to an
arguer, an
egotist, and a
lecturer..
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/power.htm