|
Addiction symptoms, continued
from p. 1
True
addictions inevitably
get worse over time
despite increasingly painful results - unless the wounded
person hits true (vs. pseudo) bottom. The
Jellinek Curve illustrates this progression for all
of
addiction, not just alcoholism. Common progression themes are...
-
increasing denials, lies, avoidances,
and evasions - and denying and/or rationalizing
these;
-
failed attempts to
reduce or stop the addiction/s, and/or evasions and
excuses for not trying to stop;
-
relentlessly increasing
protective
emotional
numbness
and/or denials of inner pain
in all family members, particularly shame + guilt + anxiety +
regret + frustration + confusion + hopelessness (despair).
These cause increasing worry, complaints, demands, and
conflicts with family members and associates;
-
increasing social
"problems" like kids acting out,
psychological or legal
divorce,
loss of work, phys-ical and/or "mental"
illness,
financial problems, crime, etc. And for some people, a
key symptom is....
-
and
committing to true (vs. pseudo) addiction management - i.e.
in attitudes, values, and behaviors that reduce
or stop the toxic self-medication ritual without adop-ting a new one; or....
-
cross
addiction - "controlling" one
addiction (e.g. overeating), and starting and denying
another one (e.g. codependence). A widespread example of
cross addiction and group denial occurs in many 12-step
"Anonymous" meetings - e.g. haze of cigarette
smoke (substance addiction: nicotine), and an
always-full coffee pot (substance addiction: caffeine.)
Relapses
Another common symptom of compulsive false-self self-medication is...
Repeated cycles of
harmful and/or embarrassing behavior
> surges of guilt, shame, remorse, and
anxiety; > fervent vows to "never do it again!" > relapses.] Because...
-
the underlying
inner pain is the same
or greater, and...
-
the person's social environment has probably not become more nurturing,
the
tormented person
relapses (repeats the toxic self-medication cycle)
despite earnest vows not to do so. This inevitably increases
self-scorn (shame), guilt, and hopelessness - and
other peoples' distrust and skepticism.
A fifth symptom
of true addiction is relentlessly-increasing stress
in and among family members, friends, and society; and declining
tolerances for addiction behaviors.
The
false-self wounds and
that
promote self-medication relentlessly erode self esteem, relationships, and families. This promotes
minor kids' inheriting their ancestors' [wounds + ignorance]
and developing inner
and self-medications of
their own.
As this happens,
typical family members increase their false-self
behaviors. This causes significant secondary (surface) problems, which increases inner pain. A common false-self dynamic
is to (fruitlessly) try to reduce the secondary problems
("You have to stop lying to me!") without
and filling the
that cause them ("Can I do something to make it
safer for you to tell
the truth?")
Hitting
Bottom
Some
wounded people eventually accumulate enough despair, weariness, and pain to
- often in mid-life. They break
long-held denials and distortions and admit "My life
is out of control," and "I am
solely responsible for hurting other people by my
attitudes and behaviors, and for gaining control of my
life."
|
Frequently, addicts experience "trial (preliminary)
bottoms" and relapses before hitting true bot-tom.
Other
of low-nurturance childhoods endure dissatisfying lives and
die prematurely with-out knowing why, or what they
might have done to improve their lives and guard their
descendents.
|
Typical people who care about (or are addicted to) an
addict are usually unaware of being hindered by their own
psychological wounds and ignorance. The best chance for
making an effective assessment about whether someone (or a family) is
"addicted" (wounded and ignorant) is to hire a
professional addic-tions counselor, tho they have wounds, biases, and
ignorances too.
Unbiased assessment of these symptoms requires (a)
being
by your
(capital "S"), and (b) factual knowledge of...
-
addiction fundamentals (this
article, or equivalent);
-
family
nurturance levels (Lesson 5);
-
the [wounds + ignorance]
and its main
on persons and families; and...
-
the person's progressive behaviors over some
months or years.
Do you have these requisites now?
To raise your odds of accurate addiction-assessment, (a)
hire a
professional addictions counselor, and (b) search the
Web for current addiction-assessment resources. An excellent
resource is the Ha-zelden
Institute. Tho it focuses on chemical addictions, most
of its resources apply to other toxic com-pulsions as well.
|
Expect any "addiction recovery" resources (including all
12-step programs) to (a) not know about personality
subselves and psychological wounds, and (b) to label
addiction as a personal "disease" instead of a symptom of
family dysfunction.
|
We just reviewed the common symptoms of a true addiction,
and perspective on hitting bottom. Now let's explore an
often-overlooked recovery factor:
Your Language Can
Hurt or Help
Premise - How people
(like you) think, speak, and write about "addiction" and
"addiction recovery" can help or hinder them. For many people, the
words addict, addiction, addicted to, and addictive
person-ality automatically evoke pity, scorn, shame, and associations
with sickness, disease, impairment,
dis-trust, disgust, scorn, and pity. Is this true of you? These unconscious
associations can significantly hinder managing your or
someone else's toxic
compulsion.
Option -
intentionally choose
less evocative and more accurate terms like wounded, compulsion, and self-medicating,
as in "Maria is self-medicating her inner wounds (or inner
pain) by compulsive shopping." Notice how that feels
compared to "Maria is a shopaholic."
Addiction
is NOT "a Disease"
Our
ancestors looked to doctors to "cure"
alcoholism, so we have inherited their misconception that an
addiction is a
disease. Diseases are malfunctioning cells and
organs caused by "chemical imbalances," environmental
toxins, and germs.
These do not apply to
addictions, which
are a psychological/spiritual symptom of
+
(exception
- alcoholism has a genetic pre-disposition). The risk in reflexively thinking
and saying "I'm addicted - I have a disease." is psychological.
People who feel they are sick are apt to feel less
good or whole than "healthy people." This promotes
and semi-conscious
("What if my disease gets worse? What if I can't heal it?")
Shame and anxiety amplify the inner pain
wounded people are trying to reduce.
Unfortunately, most current
12-step
lit-erature, teaching, and programs ignorantly
promote the
harmful misconception that addictions are an indi-vidual disease
rather than a symptom of major family
More helpful terms are...
-
psychologically
wounded vs. addicted,
-
wounds vs. character defect,
-
condition vs. disease,
-
trial bottom vs. relapse,
and...
-
"family problem"
(or "self-medication") vs. "addiction."
People who resist changing their terminology probably
deny they're ruled by a false self.
The phrase addiction recovery can be misleading,
because it implies that self-medicating people "get over"
their toxic
compulsion, like regaining sight after temporary blindness.
A more factual
term to use is addiction management. - e.g. "Pat is
trying to manage (vs. recover from) her overeating
compulsion."
The real issue is reducing inner
pain, not focusing on compulsive self-medication.
Addicts who hit true
and accept their wounds and subselves can learn to
relieve inner pain in
healthier ways.
Using the term sobriety for non-alcoholic addictions
(e.g. "I've been sober from my sexual addiction for 11
months") risks unconscious associations with harmful biases about alcoholism - e.g. shame, guilt, and disease.
A
more neutral language choice is "I haven't acted on..." as in
"I haven't acted on my sexual compulsion for 11 months now."
|
Finally, note the implication of the term
Anonymous
in the title of typical 12-step addiction- recovery programs
and materials (e.g. "Codependents Anonymous").
This label came from the old misperception that alcoholism
came from a shameful "weak will," surrender to the Devil, and/or "mor-al weakness." Our ignorant
ancestors taught each other that
addiction could be cured by willpower, moral righteousness,
and being "humble and God fearing." Not true.
|
Would you say that being depressed, rageful, or
having a sleep disorder is "shameful"?
Trying to
self-medicate inherited inner pain deserves compassion and
caring
not scorn or pity!
Premise - personal, family, and societal
health would be better served if 12-step policy-makers and members agreed to update their organizational titles to
something less inherently shaming, like "codependents
United" or equivalent. What do you think?
Recap - intentionally choosing
emotionally-neutral terms to discuss addictions and recovery can
help people manage an addiction successfully. Ignoring your
terminology risks
hindering someone's recovery because of unconscious assumptions and
word-associations. On a scale of one (I strongly disagree)
to 10 (I strongly agree), where do you stand on this premise
now?
You've just read what an addiction is, four types of
addiction, what causes them, typical addiction traits, co-addiction,
and related terminology options. Now we'll explore...
-
perspective on true and
pseudo addiction recovery,
-
an addiction-knowledge
status check, and
-
options for
confronting an addict and/or enabler.
Recall why you began reading this. Has anything changed?
Before continuing, do you need a break?
You've probably heard or read about recovery from an
addiction. What is that?.
True and Pseudo Addiction "Recovery"
Reality - some "addicts"
can stop their compulsive behaviors and "stink-ing
thinking" (self-destructive attitudes and beliefs).
Others can't. Many factors combine to explain why this is
so for a particular person and family. A comprehensive
description of these factors is beyond the scope of this
article. Here are some key things to consider:
Three phases
of personal wound-reduction are...
-
pseudo or trial
recoveries,
-
preliminary (addiction) recovery, and...
-
full (inner-wound) recovery.
True addiction
recovery traits are...
-
observable lasting changes
in basic priorities and attitudes, usually including a
meaningful rela-tionship with
a
-
stable long-term
avoidance of the
addictive thinking and behaviors; and usually...
-
committing to some version
of the 12-step principles as daily-life guides.
Some people can achieve these
without attending an in-patient treatment program and/or a
12-step program, and others can't. Variables that determine this
are...
the accumulated
from
wounds and addiction-effects (moderate
to unbearable), plus...
the degree of the person's
false-self
(minor to massive),
plus...
the
of the
person's home + family + work + community environment
(low to high)
Pseudo Recovery
and Relapses
Some
of a
low-nurturance childhood stop their compulsive
behaviors but (a) start a com-pensating
(cross)
addiction, and/or
they (b) do not really adopt
the 12 steps in their daily lives. This sug-gests that the
person's ruling subselves are pretending to
"recover" without giving up their protective
toxic attitudes
and self-medicating rituals.
Usually people who have not hit true
bottom adopt
some form of this
pseudo recovery, which may or may not lead to one or
more
relapses to their old compulsive behaviors and
denials and/or justifications. ("Becky has started
shoplifting again.")
Premise - pseudo recovery is
caused by [unendurable inner pain + denial of psychological wounds + an
between subselves who want to recover and those who are
afraid to].
This can change if the person hits true bottom and commits
to some form of
Pseudo addiction-recovery
can be viewed as a useful step toward hitting true
bottom rather than a "failure."
|
Premise - most
(all?) relapses are really caused by the person (a) not
hitting
first, and (b) not committing to permanently
reduce their inner pain by
their resident
harmonizing their team of
and improving the nurturance-level of their
relationships,
home, re-ligious community, and
workplace or school.
|
Most lay and professional people don't know or accept this
definition of
the cause of the four addic-tions and how to "treat" that cause. The
good news is, acceptance is slowly growing. The bad news is - minor kids in addicted families are still
false-self wounds and ignorance.
For
practical ideas on how to break this tragic bequest, see
self-study
+ + +
To see if you're ready to apply the
ideas above,
get undistracted and try this...
Knowledge Check
See where you are now. T = "true;" F = "false,
and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"
I can
describe the concepts of _
_
to an average teenager now. (T F ?)
I accept
that personality subselves are
normal and real, not
"pathological." (T F ?) If you don't,
read these Q&A items and this
letter
to you, and try this safe, interesting
exercise.
I can
_ clearly explain the difference between a
low-nurturance and
family to another person now, and _ I can describe at
least 10 typical
traits of the
latter. (T F ?)
I can
clearly define _ what an
addiction is, and
_ the
of addiction. (T F ?)
I accept that _ a true
addiction is a symptom low family nurturance, so
_ addiction is a fam-ily problem, not
just a personal
one. Restated:
effective
addiction management is much more likely if the
family changes, not just the addict. (T F ?)
I believe addicts are psychologically
and cannot control their compulsive
self-me-dicating without human help and spiritual faith. They
are not weak-willed, sick,
immoral, a "loser," a sinner, or
irresponsible. (T F ?)
I can
clearly describe what
is, and how it relates to personality subselves.
(T F ?)
I can clearly describe _ what
psychological
is, and
_ what needs it serves in an ad-dict’s family. (T F ?)
I can
describe at least four of the common
of a true addiction now. (T F ?)
I can
describe the main difference between preliminary
(addiction) recovery and full (inner-wound)
and why the former is required for the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that having
"an addictive personality" really means "having a
(being
controlled by a false self), and not knowing this or
what to do about it". (T F ?)
I can clearly
describe _ the difference between
and _ what it means to have an active relationship with a
benign, responsive Higher Power (T F ?)
I can
describe _
pseudo recovery from addiction, _
_
_
cross addiction,
_ addiction
relapses, and
_ how well-meaning false-selves cause each of these. (T F
?)
I
understand the 12 "Anonymous"
steps for addiction-management now. (T
F ?) .
My
true Self is
to these items now
or I know which
is responding. (T
F ?)
If you can't confidently answer "True" to each of these
statements yet, invest time and energy in self-study
|
Now we're ready to apply these addiction fundamentals to
people you care about - starting with you.
If you feel
you
may be significantly wounded and addicted - or you're sure you are
- study
this for preliminary
recovery options. Otherwise, read on...
|
If You're
Concerned About
Another Person's Addiction
If
you're concerned about an addicted child, go here. The
following applies to adults.
After (a) learning family-nurturance, addiction, and
personality-subself
basics, and (b)
yourself for significant wounds and addiction, you
may...
-
defer
or avoid confronting the
other person, and deny or justify this; or...
-
research how to confront ("intervene") effectively, and then
do so.
Let's look at each of these
alternatives:
1)
Defer Confrontation
Typical wounded people who haven't
are
ruled by subselves who are scared to admit (a) a toxic
compulsion
and its causes and effects, and (b) implications (like "I am really wounded,
and need to heal!") Their degree of combined fear + guilt + shame will determine the degree of
"resistance" they have (low to high) to even the most loving confrontation.
Your near-sighted subselves will probably have anxieties about confronting
someone about their wounds and addiction. For
example, they may cause thoughts like..."But
what if s/he...
-
rejects me ("Mind your own
business!) and shuts me out?"
-
rages, screams and yells,
gets physical, or runs away?"
-
has a breakdown?"
-
increases their
addiction?"
-
blames me for their
wounds and addiction?"
-
attacks me about things I
don't want to face?"
Your subselves' fears and
uncertainties may be
intense enough to overcome your true Self's desire to confront (a) the reality of
family
and (b) the addicted person. Your protective
may
lobby for
one or more strategies like these...
Deny:: "S/He is not really addicted!"
Minimize: "S/He seems
to be addicted, but it's not that bad."
Justify:
"It's really best if I don't risk confronting (the other person) now (or
ever) because..."; and/or...
Analyze, intellectualize, and
rationalize: "Let me (numb my feelings, and) figure out
why
s/he's addicted.";
Worry privately or publicly all the
time: anxiously repeat a stream of awful scenarios in your mind, but say or
do nothing about them. A toxic variation of this is for your false self to become
to (codependent on) your addict.
Or your
personality subselves may…
Whine, complain, and/or plead with
the target person to "do something" about their be-haviors or habits for
your
sake and/or affected minor kids - but set no limits or consequen-ces. Your
ruling subselves
can choose to be a victim (1-down), persecutor (1-up), or rescuer (1-up)
in
your
And/or...
Try to manipulate and control
the other person to change her or his priorities and behavior
- e.g. "hide the
bottle," get someone to "talk to" the person, lay on guilt trips, withhold,
threa-ten (but don’t follow through), etc.
Other
strategies to justify deferring a confrontation may include...
Criticizing, ridiculing, and/or blaming
the person privately or publicly: "I can't believe how thoughtless and selfish
you are..."
Lecturing, moralizing, and/or preaching: "Let
me tell you what you have to do, and why..."; and/or...
Punishing: "If you're going to treat
me/us that way, I'll (make you hurt)."; and/or you can...
Obsess and feel responsible: "I
must fix this awful, scary problem!" and/or “I must be do-ing
something wrong!”; and/or...
Avoid ("cut off") the other person and/or situations that cause you
about them, and deny this and/or pretend you haven't pulled back; and/or you can...
Pray for a miracle and fantasize about the person "suddenly waking up to reality;"; and/or...
Repress your feelings and needs,
and stoically endure: "Well, that's just the way it is. Look at the
good things we have…"
Strategies
like these aim to...
-
reduce anxiety about admitting the other person's toxic compulsion and it's impacts,
and to...
-
avoid scary confrontations and conflicts.
Strategies like these
unintentionally increase
the addicted family's long-term problems and
dis-tress.
Ideally, one of
you will exceed your tolerance-limit for pain, weariness,
and hopelessness, and break your protective denials. This is more likely if
your
(capital "S") leads your
(person-ality).
When you're ready to assert your opinions and needs
to the addicted person, then...
2) Prepare to
Intervene
A poorly-prepared
risks making family dynamics worse. Options:
-
Put your own
wound-recovery ahead of helping other people, unless
their life is at risk now.
-
Practice putting
your true Self
of your other subselves. Your odds of a
successful con-frontation with the other person/s are
best with your Self solidly guiding you.
-
Educate yourself
on false-self wounds, the [wounds + ignorance] cycle,
codependence, enabling, the 12-step philosophy and
resources, and the concept of
intervention - a respectful group-confron-tation with
a true addict in denial (next page).
-
Stay clear that
any "addiction" is a symptom of the
real
problems: ignorance + inner pain + a dis-abled
true Self + (probably) a low-nurturance environment.
-
Work to (a) maintain a
genuine mutual-respect
attitude, and (b) sharpen your
and
skills. Use these when the other person denies,
evades, attacks you, and/or justifies their compulsion,
rather than using these popular lose-lose
-
Keep your
personal Rights in mind,
and practice setting and enforcing your personal
- in general, and with the other person. Stay
clear: you are not responsible for the wounded adult's
choices and consequences - s/he is. Strong urges to
or "save" the person (other than your own child) may
signal that a false-self dominates you. Keep these wise
with you along the way...
-
Review
your attitude about personal
Successful addiction and wound recovery
is most likely with steady faith in a benign (vs.
demanding, wrathful, jealous, and punitive) Higher Power. If you and/or the other person have no
meaningful spiritual awareness or faith, lower your expecta-tions
and keep exploring.
-
Identify
specifically how the other person's
behavior affects you and other people you care about.
Confronting another person about an addiction is usually
altruistic and selfish - i.e. the other person
committing to addiction recovery will fill some unmet
in
you.
More confrontation-preparation options...
-
View confronting
someone as a
gift to both of you. Do the words confront
and confrontation feel "negative" (cause you anxiety)?
Confronting is another term for
your opinions and needs, and negotiating healthy changes
as teammates. If your Self (capital "S") is
and you're fluent in effective communication
you'll be able to handle the other person's reactions to
your assertions calmly and respectfully.
-
Get
very clear on why you need to confront the other person. Do you
need to...
-
inform
him or her of your concern, and/or some
action you're going to take because of their
behavior? And/or to...
-
that s/he (must want to)
change something?
Effective demands require you to define and enforce a
specific consequence if the person doesn't comply.
And/or
do you need to...
-
together? - i.e. to invite the person to help change
something abut your shared environment (like
your family relationships, roles, or dynamics)?;
and/or...
-
help the person
and/or...
-
act to prevent or
manage
a
and/or..
-
all of these goals, or
some other ones?
-
Keep your
perspective.
Your main goals
are to...
-
preserve
your
and self-respect, and...
-
plant seeds
(ideas and information) which may bloom at a future
time.
If the person does break their protective
denials and start preliminary recovery, that's a
marvelous bonus!
-
Learn to
recognize pseudo or "trial" recovery.
It is a creative attempt by well-meaning subselves to pretend to be managing an addiction, but
not making any permanent
changes in core attitudes or pain-management strategies.
Typical people who
relapse
(resume their toxic behaviors) have not hit their
true "bottom," and have usually been in pseudo recovery.
-
Inform other relevant people
of these preparation-options, and ask for their help. "Relevant"
means other people who live and/or work with the
person you're concerned about - like parents,
grandpar-ents, siblings, close friends, therapists,
(ex) mates, clergy, doctors, and co-workers. As you do this, be alert
for signs of false-self dominance.
Wounded people are
often unable (vs. unwilling) to provide effective
addiction-management help.
-
Consider consulting
with a
professional addiction counselor to increase your
odds of confronting successfully. Ask their
opinion about if, when, and how to do an "intervention"
with your target adult. This powerful
option is outlined on the next page.
Recall that all these are ways of preparing yourself to
confront an addicted person and/or any enab-lers. If these options seem like a lot of work - they are!
The potential long-term benefits of a successful
confrontation justify the effort. Pause and notice what your subselves
are
now
about these options.
|
As you prepare, keep in mind that
addictions are
symptoms of the real
problems
- inner pain + false-self wounds + unawareness. Few addicts or lay or
professional supporters know this or what to do about it.
|
 Continued. Do you need
a break before reading further?
Updated
08-27-2010
|