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Help clients understand and break the lethal [wounds
+ unawareness] cycle! |
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Help couples make three wise
Stepfamily-courtship choices
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council |
 The Web
address of this article is
https://sfhelp.org/pro/rx/cpl.htm
Clicking links here will open a new window or an informational popup,
so turn off your browser's popup
blocker or accept popups from this nonprofit, ad-free site . If the windows distract you, read the article before following any links.
This article is one of a series on
professional counseling, coaching, and therapy with (a) low-nurturance
(dysfunctional) families and with (b) typical
of childhood
and trauma. These articles for
professionals are under construction.
This series assumes you're familiar with:
Before continuing, pause and reflect - why are you reading this article?
What do you
+ + +
This
article is one of a series on effective clinical interventions with
low-nurturance family clients. A "low nurturance family" is one in which members
seldom get their
met in
ways.
An
effective intervention is an instinctive or intentional behavior of the
clinician which signifi-cantly raises the family's nurturance level in the
opinion of all involved.
The interventions summarized here are general and usually composed of related sub-interventions.
Prepare...
To get
the most from this article, first read:
Why
Do Project 7?
Recent estimates suggest that
(a) over half of American first-marriages end in psychological or legal
divorce, and (b) an even higher
percentage of stepfamily unions break up. My clinical research since 1979 suggests that
the main reason for this tragic social epidemic is an unseen, socially-condoned
of adult
[wounds + unawareness]. If you can't describe this cycle
(like most people), it's probably harming your present multi-generational family
and living kids.
Premise: this cycle manifests in four or five stressors in all families:
-
Unseen psychological
in one more more family adults (including ex mates and senior adults) and
kids;
-
Family-adult
of (a) these wounds, (b) several critical, primary topics, and (c) what this
unawareness
to them and their descendents; and...
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Toxic family
and incomplete and/or
in adults and/or kids;
-
Courting
couples making up to three unwise (uninformed, unaware) commitment choices
and related irresponsible child-conception choices; and for typical
stepfamily adults...
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Little or no informed supports and
resources in their extended families, communities, and the media.
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in this site and model
focus on preventing and reducing the impacts of the first three of these silent
stressors. Lesson 7 applies the
learnings from the first six Lessons to facilitate courting couples avoiding divorce by choosing the
to commit to, for the right
at the right
This Web site exists to inform family-support professionals like
clergy, counselors, legal, edu-cational, and medical pros, mediators,
caseworkers, and legislators of the cycle, and effective options for ending it
and
preventing family stress and divorce.
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Basic Project-7 Interventions
These are primarily for courting co-parents;
secondarily for families with couples admitting major relationship problems;
thirdly for family relatives or supporters concerned about someone's courtship /
commitment choices. You may have already made some of these interventions for
other Projects. For useful process assessments
and related interventions, follow the link. For more detail on each
intervention, follow the numeral's link.
The
&
symbol below indicates a printable article for clients and
coworkers.
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7-1) Define human needs
(discomforts), illustrate and discuss surface vs.
primary needs, and explain why discerning primary needs is vital for
effective problem-solving.
7-2) Propose, discuss, and
validate common primary-relationship needs.
7-3) Ask each courting partner to
rate the satisfaction-level of their set of relationship needs
7-4) Overview and discuss
(a) the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and (b) the four
or five related relationship hazards.
7-5) Propose evaluating if
and how each of these hazards has been affecting the couple and
their combined families, including any ex mates.
7-6)
Overview and discuss co-parent Projects 1 thru 6 as needed, and
relate them to the four or five hazards and the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle.
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7-7) Outline key
criteria for choosing the right people (partner + relatives) to
commit to, and...
7-8) the right reasons
for committing, and...
7-9) the right time
to commit. Then...
7-10) Discuss these and assess (a) the couple's reactions,
and (b) each partner's possible wounds.
7-11)
Propose inventorying the couple's status on these three courtship
criteria
7-12a)
If they're willing, do an honest inventory, and discuss
what the results mean
7-12b)
If the couple is ambivalent or
unwilling, explore why, and related risks
7-13) Option - weigh
pros and cons of discussing the [wounds + unawareness] cycle
and Lessons 1-7 with relevant family members and supporters.
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More Detail...
7-1)
(a) Define human needs
(discomforts), (b) illustrate and discuss
surface needs (symptoms) and primary
needs
& (discomforts),
and (c) explain why discerning primary needs is vital for effective
problem-solving (ref. Lesson 2
interventions).
Why? Evolving healthy, satisfying
relationships depends on each person's ability to identify and fill
their current and long-term primary needs ("solve problems")
effectively. Few adults and no kids are taught how to do this in our
culture, which promotes epidemic family stress, wounding, and
divorce.
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Propose that needs are minor to
major emotional, physical, and spiritual discomforts, and (b) that
all living things ceaselessly and instinctively seek to reduce their
discomforts (fill their needs, or "problem solve").
Implication - being
"needy" is normal and healthy, not weak, shameful, or bad.
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Explain and Illustrate the
difference between surface needs (symptoms) and primary needs, and
seek client understanding and acceptance of this. Option - note that habitually trying to fill surface needs
suggests that the person (a) may be controlled by a
which (b) lacks inner and environmental
See Lesson-2 intervention 2-x.
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Option - if appropriate,
propose that different personality
subselves have different and possibly opposing current primary needs at iven
time. This can promote significant (a) internal and (b) social
conflicts, confusion, and ambivalence, and suggests the value of each person
being aware of which subselves are controlling their personality, locally
and chronically.
-
Propose that typical unaware adults and all kids usually try to fill surface needs
(symptoms), so that often their and any partner's
remain unfilled - causing
stress. Identify client examples of
this and typically whether each person's primary needs get met or not.
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Option - ask
clients to read and discuss this article
&
together and with other family members.
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Preview (or review) and illustrate
& as an
effective way of discerning primary
needs from surface needs (Lesson-2 intervention xx);
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(a) Define effective problem solving
as all involved people filling their current primary needs well
enough, in acceptable-enough ways; and (b) discuss this as needed. If
appropriate, (re)do Lesson-2 intervention xx).
7-2) Propose and discuss
the common
needs
&
that motivate typical primary relationships like theirs.
7-3) Ask each partner to
inventory the satisfaction-level of their set of relationship needs
7-4) Overview and discuss the four
relationship hazards (five, if prior kids are involved)
7-5) Propose evaluating if
and how each of these hazards has been affecting the couple and
their combined families, including any ex mates.
7-6)
Overview and discuss co-parent Projects 1 thru 6 as needed, and
relate them to the four or five hazards and the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle.
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Updated
April 30, 2013
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