Continued from p. 1...
4-4d)
Assess and correct client
misconceptions about
relationships
with co-parenting ex mates and their relatives, as needed.
Why? Many new stepfamily mates
and supporters discount or reject stepkids'
"other parent/s" and their relatives from full membership in their stepfamily. They
believe they can minimize or ignore the needs, opinions, and
effects of these relatives in family decisions and activities.
The
reality is that such relatives will always have major genetic,
emotional, financial, and logistic effects on their stepfamily system
for many years, whether actively co-parenting or not, and co-parents
need to accept that.
Review the clients'
of their multi-home, multi-generational stepfamily, and assess each
mate's degree of acceptance (none to full) of each stepchild's
"other bioparent" and their relatives as full family members. If
clients haven't made a genogram yet, invite them to do so now (intervention
3-3).
if possible, assess each minor or
grown stepchild's "other bioparent/s' " acceptance of (a) their
stepfamily identity and membership, and (b) their ex's new mate and
co-parenting role ("stepmom/stepdad) and authority.
If there is significant ambivalence,
discounting, or rejection in any co-parent, re-do Project-3 interventions as needed. Ambivalence is usually a
symptom of false-self
and unresolved co-parenting
See
Lesson-1 and Lesson 7
interventions for options.
Option - Give clients a
copy of this article on stepfamily
membership
&,
and discuss how the ideas in it apply to their family.
4-4e)
Assess, and correct client
misconceptions about step-grandparent and
step-grandchild roles, role-titles, and relationships.
Why? Misconceptions on these
topics are common - specially if one or more co-parents "resist" fully
accepting their identity as a normal multi-home stepfamily. These
misconceptions promote confusion, frustration, guilts, hurts, and
resentments.
Review and clarify the concepts
of "family role,"
and family
as needed;
Review the clients'
multi-generational
and identify each stepchild's active, absent, and dead
co-grandparents and the nature and past and current degrees of
impact on the clients' stepfamily system (nurturing <> stressful).
Ask client co-parents to describe
their opinions on the family responsibilities of each co-grandparent
toward their biological and step kids and grandkids. If possible,
ask each stepchild their opinion on this too. Note any significant
conflicts and unrealistic expectations - specially that
co-grandparents and step-grandkids must love each other as in an
intact biofamily.
Ask clients to describe their
attitudes and opinions on what step-grandparents and step-grandkids
should call each other (role-titles and names). Assess whether these
opinions enhance or hinder the client-stepfamily's nurturance level,
and intervene as appropriate.
Option - give clients a
copy of this three-page
article
&
and discuss it, and/or refer them to it on the web (https://sfhelp.org/sf/kin/gp.htm).
Option - review typical
stepkids' developmental
&
and family-adjustment
&
needs, and discuss how client grandparents can help to
assess
&
and fill them.
Review
the concepts of loyalty
and values conflicts and relationship triangles
&
as appropriate. Then ask if any of these are significant now
relative to step-grandparents, step-grandkids, and co-parents now.
If so, explore client-adult strategies for resolving these among
their family members, and respectfully suggest improvements as
appropriate.
Follow up in future sessions to
see if client adults and kids are adopting realistic expectations
about step-grandparent - step-grandchild roles, titles, and names.
If not, repeat any of these interventions as appropriate.
4-4f)
Assess
and correct client expectations about
stepsibling and
half-sibling roles, titles, names, and relationships - even if
there are no minor or adult stepsibs or half-sibs in the stepfamily now.
Why? Misconceptions on these
are common - specially if one or more co-parents "resist" fully
accepting their identity as a normal multi-home stepfamily. These
misconceptions promote confusion, frustration, guilts, hurts, and
resentments - specially if adults are wounded, and/or aren't fluent in
effective communication skills (Lesson 2).
Review
and clarify the concepts
of "family role,"
and family
&
as needed;
Review definitions of
stepbrother / stepsister
and half-brother / half
sister roles with the clients as appropriate, and correct any
misconceptions;
Review the clients' ideas about
how biological siblings "ought to" relate to each other, and compare
that to how any biosibs in their home/s and family really do relate.
Emphasize that
stepsibling
and half sibling
are family role-titles, not people. Implication - if
someone is a "bad stepsib," s/he is not a bad person.
Review the client's ideas on how
stepsiblings and/or half-siblings "ought to" relate, and how that
compares with any such relationships in their family now. Include
any adult co-parents' sibs and/or half-sibs. Option - give
clients a copy of this article
on
stepsibling basics
&,
and discuss how the ideas in it relate to their stepfamily.
Propose
that the
between stepsibs and half-sibs are often weaker than those between
healthy biosibs, and that it's more realistic to encourage mutual respect
among the former, vs. idealized biofamily "love." The
latter will usually promote guilt, shame, resentment, confusion, and
pretending.
Option - if the client
family includes teenagers, explore (a) what each co-parent expects
of each teen, (b) what each teen currently
needs
&, and (c) which
adults are responsible for filling these needs.
Option - review (a) these
typical developmental
and family-adjustment needs,
(b) assess how well each client-child's set of these needs is being filled
recently, and (c) which client adults are responsible for filling
them. Option - review, illustrate, and discuss the pros and
cons of evolving client-co-parent
Review
the concepts of loyalty
and values conflicts and relationship triangles
&
as appropriate. Then ask if
step-siblings and/or half-siblings' roles are causing any of these. If so, explore client adults'
strategies for resolving these related stressors, and respectfully suggest
any useful improvements.
Ask co-parents how clear each
minor and grown child in their family is on (a) their stepfamily
identity, (b) their stepfamily roles and role titles, (c) their
first and last names
&,
and (d) what to call each other and their main caregivers. If there
are significant problems with any of these, discuss who's
responsible for resolving them, and options for doing so
effectively.
For correcting other
child-related misconceptions, see Lesson 7
interventions.
Follow up on any of these that
seem significant, and repeat any of these Project-4 interventions as
needed.
4-4g)
Assess, and correct client expectations on
stepfamily
child-discipline responsibilities, goals, and techniques.
Why? The odds of significant
stress over setting and enforcing child discipline limits are high in
and between a typical stepfamily's related homes - e.g. values
differences over if, when, and how stepparents should discipline their
stepkids, and what's "fair" between stepsiblings and family co-parents. Typical
co-parents and supporters underestimate the complexity and probable
conflict over child discipline in their stepfamily.
Ask clients to describe their
expectations about aspects of child discipline in their stepfamily
like these:
-
What is "effective child
discipline"? Be alert for major values conflicts here,
and use these principles and
model the Lesson-2
to illuminate and resolve them.
See
this for
perspective.
-
Who should be
responsible for setting and enforcing limits on each minor child
in your nuclear stepfamily? (Usually the bioparents at
first, until stepparents and stepkids have developed mutual
trust and respect, and stepfamily behavioral rules have merged
and stabilized.)
-
Do you feel child
discipline in your stepfamily is basically the same as in a
biofamily? (Yes and No. Effective-discipline
principles are the same, and there may be over 20
potentially-stressful
environmental differences that co-parents need to be
aware of. Option -
give clients one or more of the articles in this
series
&
and discuss them as needed.
-
If you experience major
conflicts over child discipline in or between your homes,
whose needs and opinions should come first, and why? See
intervention 4-3.
4-4h)
Assess
and correct client expectations about
managing
child visitations and family gatherings, holidays,
and vacations
Why? These related topics usually evoke major concurrent values and loyalty conflicts and
relationship triangles among kids, co-parents, and relatives
for years - specially after courtship politeness and tolerances fade. Typical courting couples rarely discuss their values and
needs on these topics adequately before exchanging commitment vows
and/or cohabiting.
The main misconceptions here are that typical co-parents and supporters
suppose that (a) child visitations will not develop into a major marital
and family stressor, and that (b) stepfamily gatherings, holidays, and
vacations will feel pretty much like those in intact biofamilies.
Ask clients to describe what an
effective child visitation is, and (b) the key factors
that affect the quality of average visitations. Then compare their
answers with your version of
these ideas,
and make suggestions as needed. Option - give clients a copy
of this article
&,
and discuss as appropriate.
Ask
clients to describe...
-
a successful stepfamily
gathering (e.g. a birthday, house-warming, retirement, or
graduation celebration), and how that may differ from a typical
intact-biofamily gathering; Option - invite clients to
use their childhood and/or former-marriage biofamilies as
illustrations.
-
what key factors affect the success
of a stepfamily gathering, and...
-
how these factors compare to the
elements of a successful intact-biofamily gathering. (Generally more people; more complex planning and logistics;
less overall comfort, familiarity, and spontaneity; and more
chances for concurrent inclusion, values, and loyalty conflicts,
and associated relationship triangles.)
-
a successful stepfamily holiday
celebration. Option - pick one to illustrate, like
Thanksgiving, a religious holiday, July Fourth, etc.
-
what key factors affect the success
of a stepfamily holiday celebration, and...
-
how these factors compare to the
elements of a successful intact-biofamily holiday
celebration. (Same as above.)
-
Option - give clients a copy
of this
article
&,
and discuss as appropriate. And...
Ask
clients to describe...
-
a successful or effective stepfamily vacation;
-
the main elements or factors that
determine the degree of success, and...
-
how these factors compare to the
elements of a successful intact-biofamily vacation. (Same as for stepfamily gatherings above.)
4-4i)
Assess, and correct client expectations on
grieving prior and new losses (broken bonds)
Why? Every new stepfamily
follows - and causes - complex sets of
(broken bonds) for all adults and kids. Many stepfamily adults are
of low-nurturance childhoods, and didn't learn how to grieve well, or
at all. Co-parent
focuses on this important factor.
Typical
and courting co-parents and the American public aren't aware of healthy
mourning principles and the toxic psychological, physiological, and
systemic
effects of blocked grief. My experience since 1979 suggests that (a)
this is one of
that burden typical low-nurturance families, and that (b) co-parents
(and many clinicians) will rarely be motivated to explore it in depth.
For perspective, review this
quiz,
this research summary, these
for healthy grief, this article
&
on healthy family grieving policies, and these common
of blocked grief.
Common client misconceptions in any family are...
-
"Mourning is what you do when someone die"
(vs. when any significant bond breaks);
-
"We (co-parents) know all we need to know
about grieving,"
-
blocked or incomplete grieving in one or
more family members will not be a significant problem in and between
our related family homes; and...
-
"Our minor kids are learning to grieve well enough."
Ask clients to describe (a) what
bonds and losses are, (b) what grieving
is, (c) what causes it, and (d) how to tell when grieving is
blocked, and "done." Respectfully correct any misconceptions about
these as needed, including "We don't really need to know much about
these topics.".
Ask clients if they believe that
normal mourning can be blocked, and whether any of their family
members may be blocked (vs. incomplete).
Ask clients to describe their
family grieving policy. (Premise - all persons and families have a
semi-conscious grieving policy - shoulds, ought to's, have to's, and
musts, tho many aren't aware of it, or its implications.) The myth
to dispel here is that the client has no grieving policy. Use
clients' response as input to Lesson-3 interventions as
appropriate.
Ask clients if they know how to
tell the difference between grieving and depression, and why such
knowledge can help their stepfamily. (Spending money on expensive
therapy and anti-depression medication will not free or speed up
necessary grieving, and stepfamily members have a lot of
broken bonds to mourn.)
The myth here is that there's little need to be able to distinguish
between these in family members or other important people. Option
- giver clients a copy of this
research summary
&
and discuss it as appropriate.
4-4j)
Assess
and correct client expectations about
effective
stepfamily financial management,
including child
support
Why? Conflicts about finances,
assets, and debt management are among the three most common surface
stressors in and between typical stepfamily homes. These conflicts are
usually muted or tolerated during courtship, so often couples are
unprepared for them.
Significant frustrations and conflicts over income allocation, savings,
investments, insurance, child support and expenses, and debt
responsibilities (specially credit card debts) are always
symptoms of the primary problems "underneath" them: psychological wounds
+ ignorance of effective communication skills + unresolved prior-divorce
issues + related and concurrent values conflicts and relationship
triangles.
The myth to dispel here is some version of "We
(partners) will have no significant conflicts over financial matters,"
or "We partners and co-parents will be able to resolve any significant
stepfamily financial disputes effectively."
Create interest by saying
something like "Did you know that financial conflicts are
among the leading source of stress in typical US stepfamilies? Do
you think that might apply to your stepfamily?"
Ask clients to describe their
version of "effective stepfamily financial management" or
equivalent, and ask if family adults agree on this definition. Often they've never discussed this clearly, unless there have been
major problems already.
Option - ask clients where
"financial management" falls in the current life priorities of each
of their main co-parents. Note how this topic ranks compared to
couple's primary relationships, and use this in Project 8 interventions, if and when appropriate.
Review the common categories of
potential stepfamily financial confusion and stress, and ask if any
of them have caused significant problems i and between their homes
so far.
Review
the concept of surface and primary needs, and that "problem-solving"
is identifying and filling each person's current primary
needs Then suggest than any dispute over family
finances is a symptom of deeper primary problems (above).
Ask
clients to identify a past or present financial conflict, and assess
the surface and primary problems in it. Option - give clients
a copy of this article on digging
down
&
(if you haven't so far), and discuss
this example in it as
appropriate.
Summarize
or review the concepts of loyalty and values conflicts
and relationship triangles as needed. Explain that any (surface) "financial
conflict" will surely involve several to many of these.
Use client
examples to illustrate and validate this premise, and the value of
evolving effective strategies to resolve each of these
stressors in and between the client's members and homes.
4-5)
Strategize with co-parents
on how to motivate their other family adults and kids to form realistic
stepfamily expectations on these topics. See
Intervention 3-8
4-6)
Follow up with client
adults to see if they (a) really do accept their stepfamily
identity, and (b) are working to spot and correct unrealistic
expectations among their kids and adults
Why? Because typical client adults may intellectually
understand the need to adopt realistic expectations after these
interventions, but may have little motivation to assert this need with
other relatives - specially antagonistic, argumentative, distant,
bigoted, and inactive ones, and any who reject or discount their
stepfamily identity and it's implications. See
Intervention 3-9.
Recap
This
article is one of a series outlining
effective-intervention steps for typical stepfamily clients.
The
interventions summarized here are for motivating client adults who
genuinely accept their stepfamily identity to identify and replace any stepfamily misconceptions
with realistic expectations. These interventions may also be useful with
re/divorcing stepfamilies who need to understand, accept, and grieve their losses
(broken bonds) over time.
The Web address of this
two-page article is
https://sfhelp.org/pro/rx/p04a.htm