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- grow effective thinking and
communication skills |
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Dig Down
Below Surface Problems
to
Identify Your Primary Needs
p. 1 of 4
Four Levels of
Awareness
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council
|
 The Web address of this
four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/dig.htm
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This is one of a series of articles
in Lesson 2 - learn communication basics and seven powerful
to get more daily needs met more often. Progress with this Lesson
depends on simultaneous pro-gress on Lesson 1 - empower your wise
true Self to guide your personality in calm and conflictual times.
This article overviews the vital communication skill of "digging down" below surface discomforts to
discern
underlying primary needs. The article provides...
-
some key
premises
about needs and relationship problems,
-
four levels of awareness
about any relationship "problem"
-
three examples of digging down; and...:
-
tips to strengthen your dig-down effectiveness.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
Why This Article Exists
I've studied
and taught communication skills for over 40 years. Since 1981, I've listened to
over 1,000 students and therapy clients struggle with a wide range of
personal and social problems (unmet
I've learned that regardless of
maturity and
formal education, average adults don't know
how to solve personal and interpersonal problems (fill needs)
effectively.
They're not
stupid, they're
and
So were their ancestors and most of their teachers, hero/ines, and supporters. They (you?) have never been taught effective-communication basics and skills.
Premises
See how you feel about these ideas...
1)
Adults and kids are naturally
needy - i.e. they (you) constantly
try to relieve a dynamic mix of emotional, physical, and spiritual
discomforts (needs). So "being needy" is normal, not shameful.
(Agree / Disagree / no opinion)
2) Typical adults
and all kids are unaware of focusing on reducing surface
needs, which are symptoms of underlying
The root problem is that average
people (like you) are usually unaware
of...
-
their
and
environments,
(A D ?)
-
their unawareness (A D ?), and...
-
what their unawareness
means - distorted perceptions and ineffective problem solving. (A
D ?)
3) Trying to
fill surface needs may work short term ("I finally balanced the
checkbook"), but the unfilled primary needs
(e.g. I procrastinate recording check-book deposits and expen-ses)
usually
recur until they are satisfied well enough. (A D
?)
Premise 4) Once people
are aware of the above, they can learn how to (a) identify their and
other people's primary needs, and (b) seek to fill them
cooperatively. (A D ?)
5)
Two common blocks to doing
this are...
-
people (like you?) not knowing they're
often controlled by a
well-meaning
and what that often
(A D ?);
and...
-
not knowing what they need to
about
needs, problem-solving, grieving, and mu-tually-satisfying (high
nurturance) relationships (A D ?).
6)
Any adult and some older kids
can reduce both these blocks over time, with awareness,
commitment, patience, and appropriate help. Reducing the first block
often requires hitting true personal
which may not happen until middle age - or at all (A D ?).
|
Are you usually ruled by a false self or your wise, resident
Do you
regularly see re-lationship "problems" as symptoms
of underlying primary needs? Do the important adults and
young-sters in your life help each other to do that? |
The rest of this article describes the learnable skill of "digging down"
below surface needs to identify primary
needs (discomforts). Fluency in this skill is essential for consistently-effective
assertion and problem-solving. Are you modeling and teaching this skill to
your descendents?
Overview of "Dig Down" Skill
"Digging down" is making time in important situations to ask a series of inner and verbal questions. The
examples below illustrate them. As
you ask and process the answers, up to four need-levels
may emerge.
|
Level 1: someone else is
responsible for (solving) my
problem, like a child, a relative, co-worker, or professional, "society,"
and/or "the system." I need
them to (want to) change. The U.S. divorce epidemic suggests a
common version of this is "My mate is responsible for solving
my problem."
 |
|
Level 2: other people
and I are co-causing the problem - e.g. we're each
doing
and ineffective communication. We've not been aware of
(a) what we each really need, (b) what our re-spective attitudes and mutual expectations are,
or (c)
we're
trying to
problem-solve. We
each need to want to change ourselves. And below this is... |
|
Level 3:
I
am causing my problem and I am responsible for filling my needs:
-
I
may lack
(level 4) and...
-
my
may have been
disabled by
(a false self),
and...
-
I've been unaware of my
false-self
and their
so...
-
To solve my problems, I must
want to
change -
i.e. to learn, become
and
my Self to
my other
personality subselves.
|
|
Level 4: I am
responsible for filling my needs - and I don't know what I need to know.
|
Reaching level-3 awareness is hard because of (a) our ruling subselves' great
shame, guilts, dis-trusts, and
fears;
and (b) ancestral and social unawareness. Yet until we consistently want
to reach and maintain level three, our lives are full of
recurring "problems" (unmet primary needs) which we often blame other people
for and expect them to "fix."
|
Level-4 awareness can only be achieved by people who accept that they don't know what they need
to know, and intentionally study the basics in
with an open mind. |
Pause
and reflect - do these premises and levels make sense to you? Notice with
interest what your ruling subselves are saying and feeling...
To make these abstract ideas more real, study these...
Three "Dig-down" Examples
These
examples illustrate the several levels of needs in typical family-relationship situations. Page 3 of this article builds on these
illustrations to offer
guidelines on how to "dig down"
effectively in most situ-ations.
1) Resolving
Loyalty Conflicts
Can you describe a
They're common in typical
low-nurturance
("troubled or
dysfunc-tional") families.
They involve an adult or child feeling impossibly torn about choosing sides
between two or more people s/he cares about. Here's an example, based on
many real-life stories...
Stepfather Craig finally has had
too much. He hisses (shouts / hints / screams / bellows / writes /...)
at his wife Meg "I am so sick of your kid ignoring me! I
knock myself out month after month, driving her to school, paying her
dentist, providing the roof over her head, and being pleasant."
I say 'Hi,
Jen.' She grunts and walks by with no eye contact. 'How was your day?' More grunts. She treats
our dog better than me, and you don't seem to care. You
make excuses for her, and say sarcastic-ally 'After all, Craig, you're
supposed to be the adult here.'"
Sound familiar? This is a divisive loyalty conflict, with biomom Meg torn between pleasing her hus-band, her own
and her beloved daughter.
Whose needs come first?
Many typical families and groups experience conflicts like these. If
mates can't spot
and resolve them, their relationship erodes.
What would "digging down" look like here?
| |
Stepfather Craig |
Biomom
Meg |
|
Surface problems:
(LEVEL 1) - blaming others |
"My stepdaughter Jen is
rude, selfish, and insensitive. After all I've done for her, that hurts!
It's
Jen's fault." (No unfilled needs are identified). And...
"Meg
sides with her daughter and values Jen's needs more than
mine" - and "Meg wimpily denies this when I confront her. I
need Meg to agree that
this is her fault, and that
she should
change herself and Jen." |
"Craig is
oversensitive and childish at times, and his expectations are unrealistic. I resent his
criticizing Jen and implying that I'm a
bad Mom."
and no unfilled needs are identified)
"I'm
confused, guilty, and torn between plea-sing Craig and Jen. I love them
both. If Craig really loved me, he wouldn't
make me choose. I need him to
(change
and) accept that, and stop complaining
and criticizing." |
underneath those are
LEVEL 2 needs -
blaming your-self and others: |
"I
need
(a)
to feel genuinely
heard, respec- ted, and
appreciated as a person, a hus-band, and a
committed stepfather - by Meg first, then Jen. And I
need (b) my wife
to validate these needs as legitimate and im-portant.
These are my
needs, and I don't see how to fill them by myself." |
"I'm
scared and confused: if I side with Craig, I'll betray Jen again,
(after failing at my first marriage), and I'll violate my
integrity. If I side with
Jen, I'm scared Craig will start de-taching from me. I need to
find a way to bal-ance these.
This is my problem, not
Craig's - and
I need his genuine empathy, patience understanding, love, and
support." |
and under those are
LEVEL 3 needs: owning personal responsibility |
"I'm
doubting my worth and competence as a man, mate, and a stepdad.
I need
reas-surance from Meg and Jen that I'm OK, and I feel
and embarrassed
to admit that to myself or them.
Real men aren't weak and needy
(and I
need to feel masculine,
strong, worthy, and safe."
And...
I'm guilty and ashamed of feeling ashamed.
I need relief from
this
stress
-i.e.
I need to
do something, but I
don't know what." I need
hope
that we can find a lasting
solution to this!
(Five
concurrent primary
needs)
|
"I
desperately need to feel competent as a woman, wife, and
mother in order to feel like a worthy person. I'm scared I'm doing
something wrong here, Jen will be hurt even more,
and I'll be abandoned to die a lonely, unloved old woman.
"I
need to feel safe and self-confident,
and I don't. I also need to feel that Jen's safe enough now and
in the future. I'm scared, guilty, and
to admit this to anyone.
I need hope that this
and confusion will go away
soon, and I need a viable plan - but I haven't got one."
I
need help!
(Six concurrent primary
needs)
|
This is not a complete
description - partly because it doesn't include the daughter's
need-levels. To glimpse a typical full surface
loyalty conflict, see
LEVEL 4 - three core problems
underlie these
three need-levels...
1)
Craig
is
unaware of being ruled by a
false self - a
Shamed Boy, a
Perfectionist, an
Anxious Boy, a
Guilty Boy, a
Magician, (reality distorter), an
Inner Critic, (Blamer), an
Idealist / Optimist, a
Doubter, a
Stoic, a
Rager, a
Thinker / Analyzer, and a tireless Overachiever.
These squabbling subselves
distrust and
ignore Craig's true
Self (capital "S"), and are unaware of his and Meg's
and
|
Implication - Craig's deepest
(level 4) need
is to learn and accept that he must want to harmonize his
personality subselves under the leadership of his
Like most
wounded people, Craig is not aware of (a) this need
and its implications, (b) his options for
his
Self and
his wounds, and (c) Meg's
similar need. |
2) Meg
is also
unaware
of
usually being controlled by a well-intentioned false self:
a
Shamed Girl, a
Ca-tastrophizer,
a
Terrified Girl, a
Good Mom, a stern Inner Judge, a
Numb-er, a food
Addict, a Magician
(reality dis-torter), a Good Girl, and a diligent People
Pleaser. These
dynamic subselves distrust
or don't know her true Self, and aren't aware of her and Craig's being wounded,
ignorant (uninformed), and unaware.
| Meg's core
needs are
to (a) learn and accept the benefits of
empowering her resident Self (capital "S"), and then
to (b) meet and patiently harmonize her personality subselves under the guidance of her
Self and Higher Power. However, she hasn't hit
and
is not aware of this or of Craig's
equivalent needs, so far. And... |
Neither partner is aware of the Lesson-2 communication basics and
- including how to dig down to identify their mixes of
primary needs (above). This is typical of most family adults. A major
implication is that their odds for effective problem-solving (filling
their primary needs) are LOW. Another implication is that
unless these mates learn to
apply, model, and teach these skills, their vulnerable kids will
grow up unaware, wounded, and unskilled too.
The last level-four (primary) problem under this normal stepfamily loyalty conflict
is... 3)
Craig and Meg
don't know about these five
and the value of working together on these
to guard themselves, their marriage, and their descendents against the
[wounds + unaware-ness]
and its toxic effects.
Stepdaughter Jen is probably
overwhelmed by all of this (rather than
"rude"). She has her own
complex set of surface and underlying
primary problems. Her
emerging personality is probably controlled by a false self also,
at least around her stepdad Craig. Neither Meg, Craig, nor Jen's biofather
Philip are aware of this, nor are any friends or supporters, so
far.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - have you ever seen
relationship problems analyzed like this? Does this four-layer needs
scheme seem realistic to you? If not, why? What are your
inner voices saying now? Who
(among your
is "speaking"? Is it your
What
might happen if you tried identi-fying the need-levels in your relationships
now?
|
Have you experienced (surface)
loyalty-conflicts
like this? The details vary widely, but
the under-lying primary
needs to feel respected, worthy, acknowledged, competent
and hopeful are universal. For more perspective and options
on avoiding and resolving typical loyalty conflicts, see
this. For an example of such conflicts
stressing a real stepfamily, read
this, after you finish
this article. |
+ + +
 Recall why you're reading this. Then study
two more examples of
surface and primary need-levels. Do you need a break before continuing?
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Updated
January 07, 2010
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