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This is one of a series of articles for parents on how
to
nurture kids effectively over two decades while filling your own needs
well enough. It proposes (a) how to evaluate whether your parents (your
kids' grandparents) enhance or reduce your family's
and (b) if they reduce it, what can you (parents) do?
This article continues on page 2 for people in a stepfamily.
This page assumes you're
familiar with...
-
the
intro to this nonprofit Web site and the
premises underlying
it
-
self-improvement
if you're a stepfamily)
-
traits of a
high-nurturance family (Lesson 4),
-
signs of
ancestral wounds and ignorance in your
family tree
-
typical
kids' normal developmental needs,
and...
-
this
introduction to the
lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle
|
Perspective
Premise - the main purpose of any family - like yours - is to
fill key short and long-term
of its members - i.e. to
nurture.
Every child is influenced by living and dead grandparents -
genetically, psycho-logically, logistically, and financially. The nurturing
role grandparents play has been significantly changed by our cultural
shift from close rural-community life to geographically-scattered, urban
extended families.
The nurturing impact grandparents, aunts, and uncles an have on a young
child depends on variables like these:
-
the adult's
and
(poor to very good)
-
the relationship between grandparents
and their adult kids (stressful > loving)
-
how well grandparents can form healthy
psychological
(poor > good)
-
grandparents' physical health (poor >
fine)
-
how
the seniors are (no faith > deep faith)
-
how motivated grandparents are to
nurture their grandkids (low > high)
-
grandparents' and grandkids' ages,
(young > old) and the number of living grandkids (one > many)
-
The stability of your
extended family
(chaotic > very stable)
-
the ethnic heritage and traditions of
the grandparents
-
the frequency of contact between kids
and grandparents (none > often)
-
the geographic closeness of grandparents
to grandkids (close > distant)
-
parents' needs for psychological and/or
financial support from their parents (low > high)
-
how grandparents and their adult kids
(ineffective > effective)
-
how ready adult kids are to care for a
child (not ready > well-prepared)
-
whether kids live in an intact or
biofamily or a
The mix of these variables determines
whether grandparents have a harmful, neutral, or nourishing impact on
minor grandkids and their parents. Have you ever considered how the
grandparents in your family affect how well you parents and kids get
your needs met?
Typical grandparents have several decades' more life experience to draw
on than their adult kids. If they are wholistically healthy, they can
support and counsel their adult kids wisely on how to best raise their
grandkids.
If seniors are
and
(which is common), their behavior and attitudes can promote significant
shame, guilt, hurt, anger, and frustration in their grown kids and
grandkids. If grandparents were abused or neglected as kids, they risk
unconsciously
harmful parenting values - e.g. disciplining to punish (cause pain), vs.
to instruct, or "children should be seen, not heard."
Profile
To judge whether the grandparents in your family are wounding or
nurturing your young people, see which of these traits are true. Enter
the initials of each living or dead grandparent above the columns on the
right. If the senior is dead, describe their traits when alive. Use Yes,
No, ?, or NA (not applicable). This is mot about
blame, it's about discovery and awareness.
For best results, get quiet and undistracted, and take your time filling
out this profile. Option - jour-nal your thoughts and feelings as
you do it. Is your true Self
you now?
If not, expect skewed
re-sults.
|
Trait |
|
|
|
|
| Grew up in a
high-nurturance family |
|
|
|
|
|
Shows few or no
symptoms of being a
Grown Wounded Child (GWC) |
|
|
|
|
| Is clearly able to
and exchange genuine
with other people |
|
|
|
|
| Provides unconditional love
to each adult child and grandchild |
|
|
|
|
|
Can name most normal
developmental needs of typical
minor kids |
|
|
|
|
| Takes a genuine interest in
the welfare of each grandchild |
|
|
|
|
| Is physically affectionate
with parents and grandkids in appropriate ways |
|
|
|
|
| Genuinely enjoys spending
time with each grandchild |
|
|
|
|
|
to each adult child and grandchild |
|
|
|
|
|
Models and teaches
with other family members |
|
|
|
|
| Knows how to spot and
resolve significant
|
|
|
|
|
| Knows how to spot and
resolve divisive relationship
|
|
|
|
|
| Knows how to deal with
parenting
with their adult kids |
|
|
|
|
| Models and teaches
with other family members |
|
|
|
|
| Models and promotes healthy
(vs. religion) |
|
|
|
|
| Models and teaches healthy
relationship skills with adults and kids |
|
|
|
|
| Does not keep or promote
|
|
|
|
|
| Consistently respects the
of their adult kids and grandkids |
|
|
|
|
| Willingly shares information
about their own childhood and ancestors |
|
|
|
|
| Is not now, nor ever has
been,
to anything or anyone |
|
|
|
|
| Is not financially or
socially dependent on their adult child/ren. |
|
|
|
|
| Is clearly not
on an adult child or grandchild |
|
|
|
|
| Consistently treats each
grown child as a respectable adult |
|
|
|
|
| Is open to studying and
discussing
if you're a stepfamily |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
:
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are you thinking and feeling?
The more "Yes"
answers you have above, the more likely it is that your kids'
grandparents have been promoting a high-nurturance environment for you and your kids.
Option - show this article to your seniors and discuss your status
check results with them.
Bottom line: rank the
overall impact of your grandparents on your family system:
_ they're a great help in our
parenting efforts
_ they don't significantly affect
our parenting efforts
_ they cause our nuclear
family significant stress
Options
If one or more of your seniors cause you, your marriage, and/or your
kids significant stress, you parents have many options to protect your
kids from inheriting the [wounds + unawareness] cycle.
Start by
yourself and your partner for wounds (Lesson 1) and
Then select from choices like these:
-
You and your partner discuss these options and agree
on an action plan, as teammates. If your mate is a
in denial, see this.
-
Discuss this introduction
to the [wounds + unawareness] cycle with the grandparents, and
their help in guarding their grandkids from inheriting it.
-
If any family
senior is a GWC, consider discussing that with them respectfully. Show them
this and
this,
and invite them respectfully to
for wounds for your kids' sakes. If they
are wounded (ruled
by a false self), expect seniors to resist, deny, excuse, attack,
discount, or ignore your request. If you feel hesitant or
about confronting your parents, remind yourself that you're do-ing
this to protect your kids from inheriting psychological wounds.
-
If a grandparent is
to something (a symptom of psychological wounds), you
and your mate
discuss and choose from these
options.
-
If you have
communication
with one or more grandparents, see
this and
this. The best
option is to invite your seniors to study
with you!
-
If a grandparent is dying or has died, discuss your
family's
and check each of your parents and kids for
of incomplete grief. See
-
If you need one or more seniors to change an attitude
or behavior, identify what
you need, and apply these
ideas for resolving your problem/s.
-
avoid hinting, asking, or demanding that grandparents
show more interest in - or more affection with - your kids. Doing so
is a self-defeating
-
If a grandparent clearly favors one grandchild over
another, use a respectful
(assertion) to teach them how that feels.
-
Note that these choices also apply to your kids'
aunts and uncles.
Recap
This Lesson-6 article offers a way to judge whether each living or dead
grandparent in your multi-generational family increases or decreases
your family's
nurturance level. It also suggests specific options for dealing with
grandparents who deplete the level in various ways.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
Keep studying Lesson 6, or if you're
interested in stepfamilies, continue with
page 2.
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/
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/
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