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        This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 7 - evolve and enjoy a high-nurturance stepfamily Successfully implementing the concepts in this Lesson depend on your integrating and practicing the ideas in the prior six lessons.

        This article provides a framework to help avoid and resolve significant problems over child-discipline in typical multi-home stepfamilies. The framework includes:

• 21 reasons child-discipline in stepfamilies is different than in typical intact biofamilies;

• why "child-discipline conflicts" can seriously stress re/marriages;

• child-discipline guidelines for typical stepfamilies

• Options for solving common problems with stepfamily child discipline.

        This article assumes you're familiar with...

 

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it Lessons 1 thru 6 minor kids' normal developmental tasks, and stepkids' extra tasks effective-parenting basics general child-discipline guidelines stepfamily basics stepparent - stepchild basics a comparison of stepparenting and bioparenting roles Q&A items about stepparents, stepkids, and stepsiblings

 

  What's The Problem? 

       In typical new stepfamilies, stepkids experience one or two "new" adults who gradually or suddenly begin to "discipline" them. This process is significantly more complex than in intact biofamilies, and usu-ally promotes stressful values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles.

        Child-discipline is a key aspect of effective parenting. It's composed of...

• A set of adult values and related behavioral rules (shoulds, ought to's, have to's, and musts), and...

• stated or implied consequences for minor children; 

• which may be enforced or not;

• respectfully or not; by one or more adults. 

       Each of these factors can promote harmony or serious family problems. To understand effective dis-cipline, consider... 

  Six Long-term Child-discipline Goals

       I've met many co-parents who couldn't clearly describe why they "did" child discipline. Try answering this out loud - "Why do parents discipline their kids?" -Then compare your ideas to these...

to teach each minor child that their actions have consequences which they're responsible for and can control;

to help maintain order, harmony, and security in the home and family;

to enhance the self and mutual respect of children and parents;

to protect the inexperienced child (and property and other people) from harm;

to model how parents lovingly guide, protect, and care for minor children, and... 

to show kids (a) that healthy people have limits to what they'll tolerate (boundaries), and (b)  what happens when these limits are exceeded.

       Notice that the bold-italics words above have a positive flavor, vs. possible child discipline goals like "... to punish my child" or  "...to make my child..."  


  What Is Effective Child Discipline?

       How do you know if the child discipline in your home and family is "working well?" If you accept the six goals above, then effective child discipline is "When we meet these goals enough of the time." Another definition: "When each affected family member consistently feels their main primary needs are filled well enough."

  Stepfamily Child-discipline Is Different 

        Because typical multi-home stepfamilies are far more complex structurally, than intact biofamilies, and have many alien new roles and merger -adjustment tasks to negotiate, effective child discipline is often harder to maintain. Consider these differences and their collective implications... 

        1)  Disciplining stepkids involves your child or my child or grandchild, rather than our child. This inev-itably breeds stressful loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Healthy intact biofamilies have these too, but they're simpler and less frequent.

        2)  Bioparents (usually) discipline their children without fear of being lastingly rejected by them. Their relationship bond is not at stake. Most stepmoms and stepdads are often anxious about rejection by their stepkids, which is a realistic possibility. This anxiety is specially likely for wounded stepparents often controlled by a false self. 

        3)  Stepfamily mates choose each other, primarily - specially if a bioparent is non-custodial. Typical stepkids' opinions about bringing a new adult into their homes and family aren't given equal weight, which often feels unfair and disrespectful. Residual hurt and resentment can taint kids' response to the most re-spectful stepparental discipline.

4) Stepparents and stepkids may not like or respect each other.. Where so, this makes effective child discipline hard - specially if the stepparent and/or stepchild mistakenly believes s/he must love the other person! Few healthy biofamilies experience this.

        5)  Co-parents' cohabiting requires merging child-discipline rules, values, and priorities from each adult's prior families, including "the other bioparent/s." This is far more stressful than the gradual evolution of shared discipline rules and values in typical intact biofamilies.

        This forced merger can be specially stressful if (a) one of the new stepparent has never parented (at all / a boy /a girl / a teen) before, and if (b) the partners have blissfully assumed they don't have to discuss and problem-solve child discipline before cohabiting. This is specially likely with courting couples who mini-mize or ignore their stepfamily identity and what it means. 

        6)  A commitment ceremony often causes significant changes in adults' and kids' expectations about child guidance and limit-setting. For example: "Yesterday, I was your Mom's boyfriend. Today I'm your stepfather. Now I have the responsibility, the authority, and the right to discipline you, but I didn't yesterday." Thus child discipline may not have been a significant problem to anyone during courtship, and may become one literally overnight. This is specially likely if a stepparent tries to force major limit-setting or consequence changes quickly, disrespectfully, angrily, anxiously, and/or rigidly.

        Recall: we're reviewing 21 ways stepfamily child discipline differs from average intact-biofamily discipline... 

        7)  If child visitations are involved, kids and co-parents may experience three conflicting sets of child-guidance rules: (a) the kids' biofamily, and the (b) the custodial and (c) non-custodial stepfamily homes. This may get more complex, considering the added child-discipline rules in active bio- and step- relatives' homes. And...

        8) Unless a bioparent died, child-discipline arguments often increase ex-mate hostilities. If the step-parent tries to intervene on their mate's or a stepchild's behalf, s/he may be regarded as "interfering," and tensions can escalate. This is specially hard on typical kids, who can feel caught in triangles and lose-lose loyalty conflicts they can't understand or resolve. Typical intact biofamilies have no equivalent of this stressor. And...

        9)  Bioparents may be "too lax" by a stepparent's  standards, creating a values conflict. This can happen because...

• an over-busy bioparent wasn't able to provide balanced discipline before co-habiting;

• they may have significant guilt over the pain and disruption of their biofamily separation, and in-stinctively not want to add to their kids' burdens; and...

• because typical bioparents are often more tolerant of their own kids' behavior than a new stepparent - specially if the latter has never parented before.

        And another difference is... 

        10) When stepparents feel the bioparent's child-guidance is "lax," the new adult can feel they "must" become the major rule-maker and/or enforcer. This guarantees recurring relationship triangles and loyalty conflicts. These often conflict with a stepparent needing to be liked and accepted by their stepkids, and often promotes increasing resentment and frustration at "always being the bad guy."

        Stepparents can also come to resent that they "must" do one or both bioparents' jobs, though no one asked them to. A high-risk version of this occurs when a stepmom is left at home with her stepkid/s while her new husband is at work.

        11) Stepparents can feel left out, unimportant, and hurt if not invited to participate in, or not suppor-ted by their partner in, child-care efforts. Conversely, stepkids can resent their bioparent's authorizing their stepparent to set limits and enforce consequences for them. This is specially likely where (a) one or more kids or grownups haven't grieved major losses (broken bonds) well enough, and/or (b) a stepchild hasn't finished normal "testing" well enough.

      We're half done reviewing 21 ways typical stepfamily child-discipline is different than in intact biofam-ilies. Were you aware of all these factors? Here are 10 more... 

        12) Bioparents trying to please their kids and new mate can send confusing, stressful double messages like "I want you to share in disciplining my kids" and "I don't like what you're doing, or how you're doing it." This is usually a sign of significant false-self wounds. See Projects 1 and 2. 

        13) Stepkids over three or four are likely to resent and/or resist discipline by new adults at first, regardless of how "fair" or justified. This can be specially tough in homes where (a) a stepparent is caring full time for their partner's child/ren, and/or (b) where the stepparent is insecure and gets hooked into lose-lose power struggles with a stepchild. It's normal for minor kids in any new environment to test prevailing rules: "Will they be enforced? By whom? How? How much power do I have here?"

        14) Because new-stepfamily adults' child-discipline values, rules, and styles usually differ, significant values conflicts are almost inevitable - e.g. "You're unrealistic and too strict about Nicole's homework!" "No way! You're too soft - look at her grades." Typical kids are quick to sense this and use such conflicts to their own advantage, adding to the uproar. And...

        15) Even if co-parents feel OK about the balance of stepfamily child-discipline responsibility, step-kids and stepsibs will often bitterly claim that one or more co-parents "aren't fair." This is true in any fami-ly, but it often feels more confusing and stressful in typical stepfamilies. That's often because co-parents (specially stepparents) aren't yet clear enough on what their jobs (roles) are and/or how to do them "right."  And also...

        16) In some re/marriages, older stepchildren can be close to the age of their stepparent. This can cause awkwardness and role confusion about parental guidance and household rule-making and enforcing. Reducing these and requires adults' true Selves in charge + realistic stepfamily expectations + effective communications + clear, realistic stepparent job-descriptions. 

        The last five differences between stepfamily and intact-biofamily child discipline are... 

        17) Even if remarrying adults and their kids and ex mates reach stable compromises on child discipline, bio-grandparents can misunderstand / resent / disagree with / be fearful of the way the new adult "is raising our grandchild." This is likely to be communicated no matter how sincerely the grand-parents try not to interfere..

        When true, this puts their adult son or daughter in the middle of a complex loyalty conflict. This can be specially difficult if the grandparents are close with their former son or daughter-in-law, who will always be their grandkids' "other parent." Similar values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles can arise with aunts, uncles, and cousins, too. 

        18) If stepfamily child-discipline harmony is achieved over time and then the other bioparent or a grandparent remarries, discipline rules and consequences may have to be renegotiated again. This is in the context of your adults and kids merging 16 catagories of things among all your extended biofamilies, over many years.

        19) When one bioparent is dead, children can frustrate a new stepparent by making comparisons like "My real Mom/Dad was never so mean about... (homework, curfew, eating habits, language, church, etc.)" The stepparent can feel frustrated and victimized, being up against a "saint" or "ghost" with whom s/he can never negotiate or "compete." 

        20) Counselors, therapists, and friends who don't know stepfamily realities (which ois common) may advise re/marrying couples to discipline children just like intact bioparents. Such well-meant advice can increase re/marital and family stress.

        21) Because of the common half-truth  that "stepfamilies are pretty much like biofamilies," the 20 differences summarized above can initially take all members of a new stepfamily by surprise - causing household confusion, doubt, frustration, and tensions. 

+ + +

Notice how you feel now. Feeling startled and boggled is normal! The point is: child discipline in average multi-home stepfamilies is different in many environmental ways, though the goals and basics  are just the same. Do you agree?

        Pause and reflect: can you summarize what you've learned from reading this? How do these general ideas pertain to your stepfamily situation?

Take a break if you need one. Then continue with (a) why child-discipline conflicts can cause serious re/marital problems, and (b) guidelines for stepfamily limit-setting and enforcing.

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Updated March 06, 2010