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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior.
An "effective response" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
enough.
This article proposes effective responses
to two social situations: (1) when you're bored
with one or more other people, and (2) when you
are boring other people. It assumes
you're familiar with...
Perspective
If there's someone in your life who bores you
"significantly," keep them in mind as you read
this. Note the important difference between
being distracted
and being bored.
Infants, kids, and adults converse to fill a mix
of up to six current needs. Can you
When someone isn't filling their current
communication needs well enough, they become
frustrated and/or bored - yes?
Try
saying out loud what bores you in a
social situation. Two common causes are
(a) a topic you have no interest in, and (b) the
the person talks - for example...
-
on and on,
without eye contact (monologing or ranting)
and/or...
-
in a monotone,
with little vocal or physical expression,
and/or...
-
in vague
intellectual abstractions and generalities,
and/or...
-
overfocused on
themselves (having a one-person
and/or...
-
without any
appropriate self-disclosure.
What
happens inside you when you're socially bored?
Many people evolve a distracting
wants to be polite, and another part wants to
do something, like repress frustra-tion,
pretend interest, showing impatience, losing eye
contact, excusing yourself (leaving), interrupt,
change the subject, fidget, yawn, and/or "tune
out." If the "action part wins, many people feel
guilty. Do you?
Do you do any of these when you're socially
bored?
How does the other person react? Most responses
like these indicate
control you and the "boring" person.
Before considering situations when you
bore other people, let's consider more effective
response options to your boredom.
Response Options
If You Are Bored...
-
See
if your true Self is
guiding
you. If not, you have a
bigger
problem than ending boredom.
-
Decide if you're
significantly bored,
distracted, or
both. If you're bored...
-
Decide who's responsible for reducing your
boredom - you or your partner. If you
accept respon-sibility, go ahead. If not,
check for a false self.
-
Affirm that your
personal
rights are just as legitimate and
important as the other person's. If you
don't feel this, check for a false self.
-
Decide specifically what is boring
you - the topic, the way the other
person is speaking, or both. Then clarify
what you need now. Option - guesstimate what
your partner needs - or ask!
-
Remind yourself that (a) giving respectful
feedback (information, not criticism) is a
gift, and that (b) you are
responsible for the way you
give it, but
not for the other person's feelings.
-
Interrupt the
other person if you have to, and ask if
s/he's open to some constructive feedback.
If yes, go ahead. If no, suspect a false
self is in charge. See
this
for options.
-
With
friendly eye contact, say something like...
"So (Name), you (sum up in one or two
sentences what you feel s/he's describing).
Is that right?" This is a form of
empathic listening, and can pave the way for
other response/s like...
"(Name), I
confess I'm not really interested in
_______________ and I'm having a hard time
listening to you." (Option
- "I'd rather talk about ________.")
Or...
"(Name), When
you (drone on and on / don't look at me /
don't include me / have a one-person
awareness bubble / omit your feelings / talk
at me / lecture me / (etc.) I start
to time you out." Or...
"(Name), I'm
feeling flooded by all that you're saying.
Can you sum up briefly what you want me to
know now?
Or...
"(Name), I think
we have a conflict now. You need to vent at
length, and I need to talk / problem-solve /
make dinner / take a nap / go to the store /
etc. It sounds like your main point has been
_______________."
Or...
"(Name). I'm
really distracted by __________, and I can't
listen to you any more. Please excuse me."
Note
several things about these assertions:
-
they all
start with the person's name and a
respectful tone;
-
there are no
apologies, labels, generalities,
justifications, or "you" messages;
-
they are
specific about what you observe about
the other person without labeling it,
and...
-
most include
saying specifically what you need now.
-
The other person
may stop talking or change the subject, or
s/he may continue with "Yes, but I...",
become defensive,
apologetic, resentful,
frustrated, angry,
or something else. Such respon-ses often
indicate a false self is in control. You may
respond with respectful
to acknowledge the person, and then restate
your assertion calmly, with steady eye
contact.
-
If the person is
young, adjust the language of your response
to match their age.
Think
of your favorite boring person. Can you imagine
doing these preparations and giving one or more
assertive responses like these? If not, why? Do
you fear "hurting the other person's feelings"?
If so, reflect - whose needs are most important
- yours or theirs? (Trick question. The best
answer is "Both.") I propose that pretending
interest or enduring boredom is dishonest,
disrespectful, and self-abusive. What do you
think?
How would you compare these sample responses to
your normal way of reacting to a boring person?
Does it depend on who the other person is? I
suggest these responses and the attitudes
underneath them apply equally to any
person - a beggar, a parent, a mate, a child, or
a queen.
Now let's look at the opposite case - someone
implies or says...
You Are Boring
If you're not sure if a person is bored with you
and/or your topic, options include...
-
Asking. If you ask something direct like "Am I boring you?"
or "Do you really want to hear this?" and your partner is
controlled by a false self, you'll probably get a "nice"
(insincere, mixed) an-swer ("No, I'm fascinated. Please go
on."), rather than an honest one. Lose-lose.
-
A
better choice is to check your
- e.g. "Am I aware of my
partner's beha-vior and needs now?"
The odds of being a bore are highest if you
focus lengthily on yourself. That often
indicates a false self controls you.
-
If you sense a person is bored by you and/or your topic, you
may continue anyway, stop talking, change
the subject, or ask what your partner needs.
If you're not finished,
check who's needs
you're trying to fill by talking further - yours, theirs, or
If it's your need, an effective response begins with.
-
guessing or asking what
now, and...
-
checking if you value your respective needs
If not, suspect a false self is using your lungs and vocal
chords. Next...
-
estimate whether your partner is
guided by his/her true
Self. If not, that's a bigger problem than
boredom! See
this
for options. Otherwise try something like...
"(Name), you look distracted. Is there something you
need to take care of now, or can I finish my (point /
story / subject)?" Be prepared for "Yes, I need
to (do some-thing else now)."
Do you think you ever over-talk and/or bore
people? How do you know?
Recap
This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting
effective ways to respond to common social
be-haviors. This article offers ways to
respond effectively to a boring person. The ways are
based on...
-
your true Self
-
maintaining a
attitude,
-
clarity on your
feelings, needs, and mutual
Rights, and...
-
fluency in the
relationship skills of
and
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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Updated
03.06.10
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