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This article assumes you're familiar with...
this profile, and take ~ 20" of undistracted time to reflect on the questions
with an open mind. Option - print this out and write your answers
for future review.
aim here is to raise your awareness, not to compete or blame yourself or another person.
Repeat the profile with as many people as you wish, and then decide if
you want to do something with your results. First, decide who's
(personality) - your
(a "false self"). If the latter is true, your results
here may be
For perspective, think of someone you feel is usually an effective
asserter in calm and stressful situations. Then think of another person
you feel is not very effective at asserting her or his needs and
opinions. As you fill this profile out, keep one or two people in mind
with whom you'd like to assert more effectively.
1) I define "being
2) I believe assertion is effective
3) For me, the difference between
assertion and aggression is…
4) Several people I respect as
effective asserters are (names):
5) The main messages I got from my
childhood caregivers about asserting my needs and opinions were…
6) On an assertion scale
of 1 (very ineffective) to 10 (very effective), I’d honestly rate myself a
___ in non-conflictual situations; and a ___ in conflictual situations.
7) Someone I have significant trouble
asserting with is (name/s)
Think of an important
relationship with an adult or child, and assess both of you...
I experience me in our
relationship as usually being…
_ Somewhat submissive / _ Very submissive (lose / lose)
assertive (win / win)
_ Somewhat aggressive / _ Very aggressive (win / lose)
I've been experiencing this person as usually being...
_ Somewhat submissive / _
(lose / lose)
_ Respectfully assertive (win / win)
_ Somewhat aggressive / _ Very aggressive
(win / lose)
is “above my ears,” the
s/he probably gets from me is: "Your needs now are…
_ less important
_ just as important _ more important than
10) When this
person's E-level is “above their ears,” the
R-message I usually get is "Your needs now are…
_ less important _
just as important _ more important than mine."
11) When I'm assertive with this person, s/he...
12) Key topics or needs that I
often have trouble asserting to this person are…
13) If I was more assertive with this
person on these key needs, our relationship would…
14) I'd be more assertive with
this person if…
15) If s/he was more assertive
with me (on what issues?), our relationship would…
16) An adult or a child that I’d
like to assert more effectively with is (name)
- A topic or problem I'd like to be more assertive
about with them is:
I've brought up this problem with this person, what are several typical
reactions ("resistances") they give me? Examples: changing the
subject / avoidance / defensiveness / generalizing / monologing /
intellectualizing / indifference / lecturing / withdrawing / shutting down /
have I normally responded to these resistances?
I could use to be
more effective here is…
you... (specific recordable behavior)
"I... (specific effect on you)...
"(optional) "...and I need you to... (do something specific)
+ + +
Is there someone you want to discuss this profile with, and/or ask them
to fill it out and discuss it?
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this profile? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
Learn something about yourself
with this 1-question anonymous
Next - review this assertion practice,
or continue work on Lesson 2. Option
- if there are people who's behavior irritates or frustrates you, see
these examples of effective
intro / course
definitions / chat