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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/aware_practice.htm

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        This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 2 - learn communication basics and seven powerful skills to get more daily needs met more often. Progress with this Lesson depends on simultaneous progress on Lesson 1 - empower your resident true Self to guide your personality in calm and conflictual times.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Lesson-2 Web articles in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical re-sources.       

        Our warp-speed, hyper-stimulating culture discourages developing personal awareness of the vital worlds within and around us. Once aware of this unawareness and motivated to reduce it, people (like you) can intentionally grow more aware.

        Part of this growth is intentionally becoming more aware of the communication dynamics and outcomes within and around you. This foundation ability underlies all six related communication skills.

        Learning the seven skills and modeling and teaching them to kids and kin is the second of a series of Lessons typical adults need to progress with to grow high-nurturance relationships and families. The al-ternative is unawareness - one of five relationship hazards.

      This article assumes you're familiar with:
 

The intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it self-study Lessons 1 and 2 An overview of communication awareness; Ideas on giving effective feedback, This useful awareness exercise.

Communication Awareness Practice

        Tailor and use this exercise periodically to expand your communication awarenesses. Pick a part-ner who shares your interest in growing communication effectiveness. Minimize distractions, and set aside 20” - 30” or so. Adopt the open mind of a student, and let go of any need to criticize or blame any-one – starting with you. Reading about communication awareness will do little for you. Trying it can do a lot!

• Option - from one (I'm usually unaware of what's going on in and around me) to ten (I'm consistently very aware) rank yourself in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations.

• Option - try this dig-down practice before or after this exercise, and discuss it with your partner.

 Then…

        Find an undistracting space together with enough privacy. Sit facing each other comfortably. Bring a copy of this exercise and some writing materials.

        Each of you recall a recent important conversation with someone else - at home, work, or other - that you're willing to share with your exercise partner. Pick a conversation between you and one other where you feel that the energy and/or outcome was "significant."

        Decide who will talk first. The speaker's job is to be themselves, and describe their communication incident naturally, in about 5". The listener's job is to observe the speaker nonjudgmentally, like a repor-ter, using a copy of this worksheet to record impressions about their partner's communication process. Minimize or avoid questions and comments. Each of you notice nonjudgmentally how you feel as the practice unfolds.

        After ~ 5", wrap up. Listener, go back over the incident with the speaker, and help them clearly an-swer the eight awareness questions below. Aim to be a researcher and facilitator, not a healer. You don't need to be right here. The goal here is to help each other notice the processes in and between you – i.e. to grow your communication awarenesses.

        When you both feel done enough, reverse roles and repeat these steps. Take about 15 minutes or more for each half.

        If you have time, assess these eight focus areas in the debriefing process you've just shared to-gether. Again: this is not about right-wrong (blaming) or competition - It's about getting main communica-tion needs met in a way that feels good enough to both of you. Note and discuss special learnings you want to remember from this experience.

Eight Basic Awarenesses

• Key - who was guiding each person's personality - their true Self or ''someone else''?

• What did each of you need in this situation, and did your communication needs mesh or clash?

• What main R(espect)-messages did each person get from their partner during this exchange?

• Was each person's E(motion)-level "above or below their ears" during the exchange?

• Did either person in the situation seem to send or receive double messages?

• Was either communication partner in this situation significantly distracted?

• Were both people able to maintain a two-person awareness bubble during the exchange?

• Did both people feel they got their main needs met "well enough" in a way that felt "good enough"?

        More detail on each of these...

Awareness 1) - Who was probably in charge of each person's personality – their true Self (capital "S") or a false self? When your other subselves steadily trust your resident Self  to guide them, you'll usually feel some mix of clear, sure, serene, calm, alive, awake, aware, focused, resilient, grounded, light, "up," strong, confident, purposeful, balanced, alert, centered, and compassionate.

        If distrustful subselves (a false self) are in charge, you feel some mix of the reverse of those – anxious, unclear, upset, unsure, “heavy,” cloudy, hesitant, defensive, unfocused, distracted, frustrated, impatient, wary, tense, numb, confused, sarcastic, "down," apathetic, and so on.

        Another way of judging is by using this comparison of behaviors.

        Notice what it feels like to mull who led your respective teams of subselves. This is a vital aware-ness to attain in all important solo and social situations. Have you ever heard of it before? Do your kids and key others know about it? When false selves dominate, thinking and communicating effectiveness plummet.

Awareness 2) - People communicate to reduce current discomforts (needs). Which of these did you each need  in this situation?

_ To keep or build respect (usually always present), plus…

_ To give or get information (vs. emotions); and/or…

_ To cause action (what?________________), and/or to feel potent or powerful; and/or...

_ To vent (be heard, understood, and accepted); and/or…

_ To cause excitement (end boredom), or distract from something; and/or…

_ To avoid discomfort. like awkward silence, or a painful awareness, conflict, and/or con-frontation.

• Did your communication needs match well enough? By whose standards? If not - what did each person do about this mismatch - e.g. deny it, ignore it, joke, intellectualize, argue, manipulate, whine, discuss, act,...?

        Option: if you practice-partners are both aware of the difference between surface and primary needs, note and discuss whether the people in the speaker’s situation (a) could have benefited from "digging down" to identify their primary needs; and if so, whether they (b) identified them, and (c) acted to fill them or not.

Awareness 3) - R(espect)-Messages: What main R-message/s do you sense that each partner received from the other person during this exchange:

• “I’m 1-up (superior),"

• “I’m 1-down (inferior)," or...

• “I see our needs and dignity as co-equal here (mutual respect)?”

Were the R-messages received the same ones that were sent? Were these partners aware of their R-messages?

Awareness 4) - E(motion)-Levels, and the communication skills used: How would you judge the E-levels of each partner over the span of your exchange:

• “Above the ears” (so they can't hear the other person well),

• “Below the ears” (they probably can hear them), or…

• Variable?

        With their combination of E-levels, which of the seven communication skills do you think each partner should have used to get their main communication needs met? What skills did they use?

 

 

        Did anyone's E-level rise or fall during the exchange? If so, How did the other person react – i.e. did they shift to empathic listening, or do something else?

 

 

        Were these communication partners aware of their E-levels and how to use them?

 

Awareness 5) - Channels and double messages: Did either of the people in the situation seem to send or receive double messages - e.g. did their words say "Yes," while tone, face, hands, body, or other non-verbals said "Maybe" or "No"? If so, who said what? Frequent and/or major double messages usually indicate a false self is in control.

 

 

Awareness 6) - Distractions and focusing: How likely is it that either communication partner in this situation was significantly distracted...

_ internally (by physical discomfort, inner conflicts and/or worry; and/or... 

_ externally (by noise, lights, motion, temperature, ... )? 

        If so, how did the partners seem to handle these distractions? (e.g. denied or ignored them, reduced them, talked about them, argued about them…)

 

 

        If either person had an agenda (topic / focus), do you feel both partners focused well enough on them, or did they lose their focuses? If so, did either of them notice that?

 

 

Awareness 7) - bubbles: were both people able to maintain a two-person awareness bubble during their  exchange? In all communications, each person's dominant subselves unconsciously maintain one or more awareness zones, or "bubbles" enclosing...

• me or you now (a one-person bubble),

• me and you now (a two-person bubble), or...

• neither of these (a 'no-person') bubble.

Only paired two-person bubbles allow exchanging genuine empathy and full mutual awarenesses, which are essential for effective communication. In the target situation, which of these options did each partner seem to maintain?

Person "A" -

Person "B" -

Do you think each of them were aware of their respective bubbles? _ yes  _ no  _ don't know
 

Awareness 8) - Communication outcomes: Was this effective (vs. "open and honest") communica-tion?

• Did both people get their respective communication needs met enough (in their opinion)?  If not, why?

 

 

• Did they both feel OK enough about (a) themselves, (b) their partner, and (c) the communication process they co-created? If not, why?

 

 

Options

• When you both feel done with changing roles, discuss how this exercise process felt to you two, and what you’re aware of.

• Apply these same eight questions to the practice-process you’re sharing. Notice your thoughts and feelings about this.

• Use this exercise by yourself to assess an important or troublesome communication experience you had recently – inside you or with another person.

• Use these summaries of common communication process-factors, blocks, and useful tips to expand the scope of this awareness practice.

• Study and apply these ideas about analyzing and resolving most relationship problems.

• Consider these options about improving communication with typical adults and kids.

• Study these communication Q&A items, and these problem-response options;

• Try these related skill practices: empathic listening, digging down, assertion, metatalk, and problem-solving.

Notes / thoughts / learnings …

     

  Recap

        This is one of a series of articles and communication-practices in Lesson 2. The article describes a self-study or two-person practice exercise to raise your awareness of up to eight important dynamics that affect internal and social communication effectiveness.

_{+ + +}

         Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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Updated March 06, 2010