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        This is one of a series of articles in Lesson-2 - learn communication basics and seven powerful skills to get more daily needs met more often. Progress with this Lesson depends on simultaneous progress on Lesson 1 - empower your resident true Self to guide your personality in calm and conflictual times.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2nd ed., 2010) integrates the key Les-son-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.       

           Metatalk uses the observations from process-awareness skill to discuss " how we communicate," vs. the topics we're communicating about. Metatalking creates the input to partners' identifying and correcting significant communication blocks. This is one of seven related skills anyone can learn to greatly improve the effectiveness of their thinking and communicating.

       This article (a) summarizes key guidelines for effective metatalk, and (b) illustrates typical meta-comments that could begin communication-problem resolution. The article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it self-improvement Lessons 1 and 2 this introduction to metatalk, and... options for giving effective inetrpersonal feedback

        Effective metatalk means "Discussing our communication process cooperatively so that (a) we each feel understood and respected enough, and ( b) we're able to identify major communication blocks to resolve together. Can you do this now?

 Guidelines for Effective Metatalk

        These guidelines refine these general options for giving partners effective feedback on anything.

• Mutually-respectful metatalk works with adults and kids!;

• Meta-comments are neutral, factual observations about your communication process (e.g. "I notice that you often look down or away when we talk about intimacy."). Meta-comments aim to help you both meet more of your current needs, so offering them respectfully is a potential gift, not a criti-cism, complaint, or attack.

        Develop the habit of clearly knowing why you're making a meta-comment or other feed- back before making one.

• Pleading (I'm 1-down) or condescending or sarcastic (I'm 1-up) metatalk will probably make situa-tions worse. If your partner gets defensive from comments like these, one option is to choose to listen empathically (i.e. briefly say back their response without judgment), so they feel heard. When their emotions come down and they can hear you better. Then restate your meta-comment.

• Using your partner's name sincerely in your meta-comment (or in general) may make it easier to get and keep their attention, unless you overdo it...

• For sensitive communication problems, plan your meta-comments in advance, and practice them alone and/or with an objective partner until they become more natural and spontaneous;

• Make your meta-comments as brief, factual, and specific as you can, to minimize misunderstan-dings and sermons, and getting lured onto other subjects. One way to do this is to describe speci-fic environmental conditions, and behaviors of your partner, that could be recorded on film or tape, rather than describing personality traits.

• Be aware of any expectations about your partner's response to your meta-comments. If you expect him or her to (ultimately) reject or ignore your feedback, or if you feel unjustified or ambivalent in making it, your odds for success drop.

• If your partner can hear and accept your comment, often the next step is to use the communication skill of win-win problem-solving together;

• Allow yourself to experiment with metatalk and develop your own style and skill, rather than being perfect at it. This skill doesn't always work, but it does raise the odds you'll get more of your needs met more often...

• Notice your reactions as you read the meta-comment examples below. If the examples seem weird, awkward, or strange, it implies you're not used to using this skill. Give the skill a try, be patient, and note the results!

What ever meta-comment you choose, successful communication-problem resolution hinges on each partner (a) being guided by their true Self, and (b) consistently feeling that the other person's current needs are just as important as their own (a mutual-respect attitude).

  Sample Metacomments

        Note the theme of these sample responses to typical communication "problems." Option: asterisk or highlight any situations below that you specially want to improve:

1) You're unsure if your partner is willing to receive a meta-comment now:

"(Name), are you open to some feedback about how we're talking now?" (What if s/he isn't?)

2) Something feels wrong between you and your partner, but you don't know what:

"(Partner's name), I need to be quiet for a bit. Something's not feeling right about us to me, and it's making it hard for me to listen to you now. Can you wait with me while I try to get clearer?"

3) You feel 1-up or 1-down toward your partner (vs. mutual respect):

"I want to own that I'm feeling critical of you now, and it's getting in my way"; or "I don't know why, but I feel intimidated by you now. Would you be willing to shift (from the present subject) now and take a look at that with me?"

4) You're unsure what your partner's communication needs are:

"I'm confused, (name). What do you need from me now?"

5) Your communication goal doesn't seem to match your partner's:

"I sense that our communication needs don't match now. I need to ______. What do you need from me now?"

6) You're distracted by something, and can't focus on your partner:

"(Name), I'm feeling really distracted by _______________. Could I take care of that and resume with you at (specific time)?"

7) You want to express anger and/or frustration at your partner safely:

"(Name), I am REALLY irritated and frustrated with you because (specific behavior)! Are you in a place to use empathic listening with me on this? If you're not, I need to agree on a time when we can work on this! I'm so mad so I can't hear your side of it right now."

8) You want to express gratitude or praise so your partner hears you.

"(Name), when you (describe their specific behavior), I feel really (grateful / proud of you / appreciative...), because (specific reason). Thanks / Nice job!" This is an assertive "I" message.

9) You don't feel safe to talk honestly with your partner:

"I'm pretty nervous about saying this... (Name), I can't be really honest with you about (specific subject). I'm scared that (specific reason). Will you problem-solve with me on this?"

10) You don't understand your partner's current thoughts:

"I'm confused. Could you make your point another way?" or ...

"Could you recap your ideas in a few sentences?" I want to be clearer on what you mean."

Another useful option is to use a hearing check.

11) You're bored by your partner:

"(Name), I'm sorry. I have to admit I'm having a hard time staying interested in (their topic) right now. Maybe I can hear you better another time."

12) Your partner seems 1-up: i.e. you currently feel put down or discounted because s/he: constantly interrupts you / talks non-stop / changes the subject before you're done / ignores or derides your ideas / name-calls / works while you talk / is sarcastic / avoids your eyes, etc.

"When you (specific current behavior), I feel my needs aren't very important to you. I feel ignored, hurt, and resentful!" ("...and I want you to stop doing that.")

13) Your partner seems 1-down: e.g. s/he discounts (disparages) her/his own current feel-ings, needs, or thoughts.

"(Name), when you say 'I'm probably wrong again' (or other specific behavior), I feel you put yourself down, and I get very uneasy / uncomfortable / ________."

14) Your partner is (now or often) uncomfortably curt or silent:

"Looks like you need to be brief / quiet now." or...

"Am I doing anything that stops you from saying what you're thinking or feeling?" or

"What do you need from me now?"

15) Your partner (often?) leaves before you're done:

"When you take off before I finish our (talk / issue / conversation), I feel unimportant, frustrated, and put down! I need to know if I'm doing something that blocks your talking with me. Will you work on that with me?"

16) Your partner frequently (or now) won't look at you:

"When you avoid my eyes so much, I feel uneasy and distracted from what you're saying." ("Do you have some problem with me right now?")

17) Your partner brings up an old conflict you thought was ended:

"(Name), I get REALLY frustrated when you bring up (specific old issue) again and again! I feel punished, attacked, and weary! What do you need from me so you could let go of (this specific issue)?

        This problem usually indicates your partner isn't aware of what s/he really needs from you, and repeatedly focuses on surface issues. Digging down can disclose the primary unmet needs, and the other skills can help to fill them.

18) Your partner rambles on and on:

"Whoa (fingers in ears)! I feel swamped. You're saying so much! When you need to do that, It gets hard for me to hear you after a while." ("You don't really need any input from me right now, yes?") Or:

"(Name), when you talk on and on without asking for my response or asking about me, I feel increasingly used, hurt, and resentful. Can we talk about this?"

19) Your partner sends a double message (their words don't match their body / face / tone):

"Please stop, (Name) - I'm getting confused. Your face looks (specific emotion: sad / angry / bored...), but you say you're not. What gives?" (Note: sending frequent double or "mixed" messages is a clear sign of false-self wounds.)

20) Your partner makes (wrong) assumptions about you - e.g. s/he finish your sentences, or tell you what you're thinking, feeling, wanting, or really meaning:

"(Name), I'm starting to resent your making assumptions about me. When you tell me what I'm 'really' feeling or thinking, I feel 1-down and ignored by you. I feel like I'm the kid, and you're the adult. (... And I'm going to call you on it when I notice you 'mind-reading' me, because I really need you to stop it.)"

21) Your partner uses information you've shared to attack or criticize you:

"Name), I feel really betrayed by you. I trusted you with (specific information), and I'm feeling like you're using it against me. I'm feeling a lot less safe in confiding in you!"

22) Your partner says you're playing communication or mind games:

"So you feel manipulated or conned by me just now..." (Wait for a response...) If "yes":

"I'm pretty frustrated that you feel that way. I'm trying to tell you honestly what I (think / feel / want), and to clearly hear what you need." ("What is it I'm doing that makes you feel that way?" or "What do you need me to change?")

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - can you describe the several main themes underlying these sample meta-comments? One theme is prompt, respectful assertion about a communication problem. A common alternative is stuffing or repressing your feelings and needs, which is a lose-lose option that may signal that a false self rules you. Note that your odds for success are best using your own words, not parroting these examples... 

 Your Own Situations

• Situation:

   

  Possible meta-comment:

  
  

• Situation:

   

  Possible meta-comment:

   

• Situation:

   

  Possible meta-comment:

   

  Thoughts...

  
  
  

Recap

        This article complements the overview of the powerful communication skill of metatalk - talking co-operatively about your communication process. The article (a) defines effective metatalk, (b) offers a set of guidelines for using this skill well, and (c) gives 22 brief examples of possible meta-comments to common communication problems.

        Recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or someone else?

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Updated  April 25, 2012