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This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 4 - choose and evolve
nourishing relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare
you for Lesson 5 (evolve and enjoy a nourishing fam-ily) and Lesson 6 (learn
to practice effective parenting).
|
"Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for
others,
and Responsibility for all your actions."
- the Dalai Lama |
Do you - or does someone you care about - have "low self esteem"? Would you like
to raise your self respect and learn how to react to people who don't think
much of themselves - or you? Read on...
Contents
and options for...
This article assumes you're
familiar with...
Status check:
Try saying your definition of respect out loud now. Then think of
yourself and another person you value, and thought-fully rank each of these items from 1 (“very
low”) to 10 (“very high”). Notice your thoughts and feelings
as you do.
My recent respect for
myself as
a person: ___
My recent respect for myself as
a fe/male: ___
My recent respect for myself as
an adult: ___
Option: my recent respect for myself as
a parent: ___
In the last
six months, my
self-respect has grown / declined / not changed
My recent respect for
you as a
person: ___
My recent respect for
you as
a fe/male: ___
My recent respect for you as a
adult: ___
Option: my recent respect for you as a
parent: ___
In the last
six months, my
respect for you has grown / declined / not changed
Estimate how
your special person would
answer each of the above.
I feel some mix of
calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relax-ed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so my
is probably
my
now. (True
/ False / I'm not sure). If not "True," your answers above may be
dis-torted.
Pause and reflect
- what are you aware of now? Do you see
anything above that you want to change?
Respect 101
Think of two or more living or dead
adults that you highly respect (vs. like or need). Now think
of several adults or kids that you don't respect. Reflect - what's
different about these people? This will illu-minate your current criteria
for respect. Did you include yourself in either of these groups?
Premise - All
human relationships are shaped by the primal need to feel
worthy, valued, proud, im-portant, and good –
i.e.
respectable. For our purposes, let's say that
respect is a
spontaneous earned (vs. "deserved") attitude of approval and admiration
of some aspects of yourself or another person. It is an essential
ingredient of self and mutual
love.
The opposite of respect is indifference, scorn, disdain, rejection, revulsion, and/or
disgust. Some people label all these together as hate. Paradoxically, we can
dislike a person and still respect
some qualities about them - or like and disrespect them at the same time.
Have you ever felt that?
Shame-based People
Self
respect begins in early childhood if caregivers respect themselves, and
family nurturance is high enough. The more common alternative in America is
shame - a crippling
childhood
belief that “I am unworthy, bad, incompetent, and unlovable.”
Without
awareness and skilled help,
childhood shame migrates intact into adulthood. Shame ranges from local
(e.g. “I’m a bad cook”) to global (“I’m a worthless person.”), and from normal to ex-cessive.
Normal (healthy) shame and guilt
help us regulate
our attitudes and behaviors.
Most kids in
low-nurturance childhoods
develop a powerful
Shamed Child personality subself. To adapt, we also develop several fierce
Guardian subselves who protect
and comfort our intense Shamed Child. Typical Guardians are the
Egotist, Critic, Fantasizer, Magician, (reality distorter),
People Pleaser, Martyr, Saint, Bully, Star,
Liar, Numb-er, Addict, Loner, Avoider, Blocker, and others.
These normal personality parts can also guard
a Guilty Child, Scared Child, and Lost Child. If the Shamed Child
and related Guardians often control the person’s
(capital "S"), the child or adult may be called
shame-based.
My clinical experience
since 1981 suggests that many American adults are shame-based (woun-ded) people who don’t (want to) know
that.
Until they choose to admit this and to intentionally grow self-respect, non-egotistical
pride, and
they
risk unintentionally raising shame-based kids as their wounded
ancestors did. Do you know any parents or grandparents who are doing that?
Once aware of low self respect, you can intentionally improve it over time. Doing
this is learning to
value and act from your
integrity
and overcome significant guilts ("I'm too self-centered!") and anxieties
("I'll be disliked and rejected!").
Strengthening self respect is
a major benefit of working at
here.
How do you feel about these premises? Could they apply to
you and other adults and kids you care about?
Degrees of Respect
Respect
for a
person is a spontaneous (earned) attitude of significant approval, admiration, and appreciation. Respect can vary from...
global ("I respect
everything about Tanya") to...
situational ("Manuel did an outstanding job
handling the crisis."), to respecting one or more...
traits, abilities, and/or
roles ("Pat is such a gifted musician.")
Can you think of examples of all three levels
among the adults and kids you know?
Criteria for Respect
Over time, we grow criteria for awarding respect,
starting with standards we learn from our early caregivers and hero/ines. We (our
ruling personality subselves) ceaselessly measure ourselves and other people against these
criteria. Is that your experience? Try
saying your criteria for "respectability" out loud - "I respect
people who..."
My
criteria are awareness, courage, strength, resilience, determination, caring, responsibility, rea-listic
optimism, reliability, integrity, open-mindedness, dignity, empathy, pride,
awareness, compassion, spirituality, humor, creativity, resourcefulness,
forgiveness, honesty, humility, wisdom, simplicity, and
I've never met anyone with all these traits, and still know many
people I greatly respect.
My shame-based father would have emphasized hard worker,
superior, disciplined, persistent, competitive,
creative, decisive,
professional, logical, humorous, and stoic. I have no idea what my Mother's criteria
for respect were. Can you name your parents' criteria? If so, how do they
compare to yours?
Respect and Communication
After ~50 years' study, I conclude that people communicate
with themselves and others to fill a dy-namic mix of up to
Perhaps the most
powerful is the quenchless need to feel respected enough now and over
time by (a) yourself and (b) important others.
| Our
personality subselves constantly
judge others' esteem for us by decoding
from their behavior.
Communication may (vs. will) be
effective only when
each adult or child gets a credible mutual-respect ("=/=") message from the
other. Do you agree? |
Recall the last time you felt scorned, distrusted, discounted, rejected, ignored,
humiliated, belittled, invaded, abused, accused, blamed, criticized,
cut off, interrupted,
and dismissed - i.e. disrespected. Re-member how that felt? How old were
you when you first experienced these from another person? If you have kids,
when did they first experience these?
Premise:
If you and
other people
don't feel consistently respected enough by yourselves and each other, your
relationship will be stressful and may decay. Do you agree? To intentionally convert shame
to genuine
self respect, healthy pride, and self-love, it helps to under-stand…
The Roots of Low Self Esteem
Core shame or self-respect
begin in a
child's earliest years before language develops.
Whether shame or healthy pride develops is directly proportional to who leads
their parents’
personalities.
Adults guided by their
true Selves
usually rear kids who think well of themselves and other people. Excessive (vs. normal) shame has wryly been called “the gift that goes on giving.”
Behavioral
symptoms
of a shame-based person
are unmistakable:
avoiding appropriate eye contact; compulsive
defensiveness; excessive fear of failure; chronic
lying,
poor personal
hygiene and health (self-neglect), addiction, including
codependence,
obesity;
Narcissism,
"egotism," self-mutilation; living below potentials; and over-apologizing.
Anyone come to mind as you read these traits?
Inner Critic
and Shamed Inner Child/ren
The personality of shame-based adults and
kids is significantly shaped by a tireless
Inner Critic
(also called the Shamer) and one or more Shamed Child/ren.
When ever the Critic activates, this intense young subself
floods the
host person with
agonizing semi-conscious thoughts, feelings, and images which imply "I am
a worthless, unlovable, flawed, bad person / male
/ female / child."
For (illogical) reasons, your Inner Critic feels s/he
must acidly emphasize your endless shameful failings, mistakes,
stupidities, blunders, and ineptnesses "for your own good!" S/He does
this through relentless thoughts and images. Meditation often discloses
that your Critic's "voice" (thought streams) sounds like
an early caregiver. Can you here "the voice" now?
If a subself or other person dares to challenge
our obvious worthlessness and unlovability ("You're such a great person!"), the Critic
relentlessly refreshes the old “truth” ("No way! Remember when you to-tally screwed up
by...”). If your Inner Critic is overactive, study Hal and Sidra Stone’s
useful book “Embra-cing
Your Inner Critic.”
Other Subselves
A typical Inner Critic has several powerful
teammates. Your tireless
Perfectionist subself
insists...
"Perfect behavior is the lowest acceptable standard.
It deserves no praise whatsoever. Anything less, I'm gonna go get the Critic.
And s/he has a l-o-o-n-g memory..."
Your
Skeptic/Pessimist
and/or
Cynic/Doubter constantly
guard your
against re-experiencing the
agony of dashed hopes by ceaselessly insisting "You
won't (or can’t) succeed / get loved / please others / get healthier / stay
safe..."
And perhaps you have a
tireless Worrier subself
whose life mission is to generate shrill uncertain-ties and second guesses
about every decision and action you make. Its well-intentioned goal is to
guard you against all possible failures, according to
Inner Critic, Perfectionist, God, and various humans.
Your Critic,
Perfectionist, Cynic, and Doubter are probably supported by
an outspoken Moralizer / Preacher
or
Judge. Their self-appointed jobs are to provide rigid, right-wrong pronouncements to guide other
subselves (and most other people) on how they should and
must behave.
Finally, you may be blessed and cursed with an energetic
People Pleaser. Her or his mission is to protect your Abandoned Child and/or
Lonely Child (subselves) from agonizing rejection (shaming) by ha-ving
you constantly focus on filling other people's needs to earn their
fragile approval.
Typical Pleasers insist "You
can take care of your needs later. They're not as important to us as
__________'s needs are!" An overzealous Pleaser can (unintentionally) promote the toxic conditions of
self neglect and
codependence,
and block effective win/win problem-solving.
Before significant
recovery from childhood
these well-meaning Guardian subselves (a
distrust the competence of your
Self and other
subselves.
Their thoughts, images, and feelings "take you over," specially in new,
public, or risky situations.
The inevitable result is ongoing inner
anxiety and conflict, and frequent feelings of shame, guilt, confusion, and
vague or sharp "worry." Does any of this sound familiar?
Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs)
and Self-respect
Adults blessed with
wholistically-healthy childhood
caregivers can be called Grown Nurtured Chil-dren
(GNCs).
They have Inner Critics and other devoted Guardian subselves too.
However, they're more reasonable and moderate, and are balanced by other
subselves who are sincerely affirming, loving, and encouraging.
GNC’s subselves usually trust their true Self to hear and respect
their needs and opinions, and then to act safely and effectively in every
situation. A GNC's Shamed Child is present, but s/he
usually feels noticed, accepted, and loved enough by other subselves
and people. Other inner kids are usually more active and impactful. Do you
know any Grown Nurtured Children?
Because self-scorn and neglect are socially labeled
"negative," we can feel ashamed of our shame. Other Guardian subselves like
the (your) Analyzer, Blocker, Repressor,
Numb-er, Deflector, and
Magician work hard to camouflage these traits
from inner and outer detection and shaming criticism via
This often promotes daily guilts and anxieties, which feel normal.
| Bottom Line:
low self esteem begins in early childhood if
wounded caregivers can't consistent-ly provide healthy nurturance. Various personality subselves
learn early to be rigidly perfectionistic, self-critical, self-shaming, and
self-neglectful, and to discount talents, achievements, and successes. When this
dynamic becomes excessive, such a wounded adult can be called "shame-based." |
Shame Seeks Itself
My
experience with over 1,000 typical adult therapy clients since 1981 is that
we shame-based (wounded) people
repeatedly
choose others like us for partners and associates. That suggests that de-spite outward appearances,
many
divorcing and re/married couples share low self
esteem (shame) as persons, or in some key roles like wo/man, parent,
grown child, friend, wage-earner, and/or neighbor.
If a person (like you) starts
to significantly improve their self respect, shame-based relationship partners
(i.e. their ruling subselves) may
feel increasingly uneasy and unconsciously try to discourage or sabotage your healing...
Notice your
thoughts and emotions now. Anything like "This sure doesn't apply to me!"; or “Oh NO -
it does! I'm (probably or surely) ruled by shame-based subselves!
What can I do?" Or maybe you're thinking of one or more others in
your life who seem dominated
by shame-promoting false selves.
A Word about
Words
Respect is an attitude caused by semi-consciously evaluating a
set of criteria. It can be
con-sciously discussed and changed, once you’re motivated to do so. Respect and
esteem mean the same thing here. Scorn and contempt imply major
disrespect.
Love is a rich mix of attitudes
and emotions that is not subject to logical discussion and intentional
change. Like trust and respect, it must be earned.
Shame and
pride are mental judgments [“I am worthy
(or worthless) and (un)lovable”] and related emotions.
Humility is wanting to
appreciate the talents and accomplishments of other people as much as your
own. Guilt is an
Inner-Critic judgment [“I do bad things – break (someone’s) rules.”] and
related feelings and thoughts which mimic shame. You can intentionally assess and reduce
guilt in yourself, but not in another person.
Status check: See how you
feel about each of these ideas so far. “A” = agree, “D” = disagree, and “?” = ”I’m
not sure, or don’t care.”
Respect, pride, and forgiveness are some of the components
of love. Intentionally improving these components may or may
not grow love. (A D ?)
I can intentionally assess, discuss,
and improve self respect and mutual respect with any receptive person. (A D ?)
Any motivated, aware person can choose to reduce
excessive shame and grow
non-egotistical pride in their own unique values, abilities, and traits, over time.
(A D ?)
I am responsible for my
self-respect, attitudes, and actions; but not for any other able
adult's self-respect,
self-love, guilt, and shame or pride - and vice versa. (A D ?)
Accepting the responsibility of
nurturing minor kids includes the responsibility for unself-ishly
encouraging their self-respect, self-appreciation, and self-love, and their
humility.
(A D ?)
I have the indisputable right to decide
whom I respect, when, and why - and others have the same right, (A D
?)
Any aware adult can choose to
identify, reduce, and avoid excessive guilt. (A D ?)
We can earn, but not consciously create
or force,
self-love and/or mutual love. (A D ?)
Acceptance of each other is not being nonjudgmental,
it’s being truly at peace with the judgments we make of ourselves and each
other. (A D ?)
If disrespect for yourself or
someone else is eroding your
relationship, you can improve your self-respect (next
page). You may or
may not be able to regain respect for or from another person (next page)
Options for
Improving
Respect
Practical Ways to Improve Your
Self Respect
Try saying your current definitions of self respect and shame
out loud. Then assess
your current self-regard with this
worksheet when you're not distracted, and
return. When you feel you understand (a)
what low self esteem (shame) is, (b) where it comes from,
and (c) how it differs from
then select
options like these.
Option - if you're nurturing minor kids, make each of these options
part of your parenting goals.
Ima-gine what your life would be like if your early caregivers knew
enough to do this for you...
|
1) Free your true Self to guide your other personality subselves in
any situation.
If your talen-ted inner leader is disabled too often, your goal becomes
“Empower my Self - not “Improve my self respect.”
|
in this Website provides
practical guidelines for empowering your Self and harmonizing your inner family of
subselves - including
convincing your diligent Inner Critic and Perfectionist subselves to moderate their behavior.
The useful guidebook for Lesson 1 is
Who's Really Running Your Life? - free your
Self and guard your kids (2nd ed. Xlibris.com, 2003).
As you reorganize your unique inner crew, develop your awareness of
the critical and discouraging "inner voices" (thoughts and images) from your
Shamed Child, Inner Critic, Perfectionist, People-pleaser, Moralizer,
Skeptic/Pessimist, and other subselves.
Stay aware that
your tireless
are each trying to protect you. Then build your Self's ability
to confront these subselves respectfully. Choose to think something
like "Look, thoughts like that hurt me, so STOP! Instead, I need you to
encourage me!" Experiment with that, and notice the interesting
that occur...
Your Self
may still disrespect some local actions and
choices, but will do so with compassion, not scorn. S/He may not approve of
the traits or views of some of your subselves, but will still accept them and
believe in their overall worth and value.
Option 2)
Identify
your current life priorities, as judged by your recent actions
and choices.
One sure sign that your Self (capital "S") is guiding you is
spontaneously ranking your
and growth among your top life priorities. This is foreign to most of us
and must be learned. Self-neglect
is much more familiar. Do you relate?
3)
Acknowledge that (a)
and (b) balanced self and mutual respect +
+ heal-thy
promote enjoying your life and relationships. Typical GWCs were never taught
to be aware of the dynamic processes within and around them. Learning
awareness is essential for effective thinking and communicating,
and replacing shame and self-neglect with healthy self-respect and self
love.
|
Paradox: you can't experience
the priceless benefits of awareness until you
practice it. Growing the habit of being aware in all situations
empowers you to sense your current level of self-respect
and other vital things. That can empower you to improve it as needed
if your Self is in charge.
On a scale of one to ten, how
aware are you these days and nights? |
4)
Accept that you are
responsible for your opinion of yourself,
and decide how important it is to earn and maintain your self respect each
day and night. Many Grown Wounded Children are used to letting other people
dictate their self-acceptance and self respect without any question.
Reflect and say out loud
"The people who's
opinion of me matters most now are... (who?)" If 'Me" doesn't head the
list, review option #1 above. Overactive Shamed Child, Guilty Child, Dutiful
Child, and People-Pleaser subselves will insist that other people's opinions
are more important. Part of harmon-izing them is affectionately teaching
them that that opinion is harmful.
Continued.
Do you need a stretch break before continuing?
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