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The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/sf/occasions.htm

Updated  05/28/2015

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      This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

      This article...

• summarizes common stepfamily-celebration problems, and...

• proposes specific ways to enjoy stepfamily gatherings  and vacations.

      The article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this Web site, and the premises underlying it, self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 7 ,  stepfamily basics and Q&A items; family gatherings after a trauma (e.g. divorce); and... how to avoid and resolve three common family stressors;

What's the Problem?

      Can you think of a family which never had periodic "special occasions"? The instinct to gather in celebration for holidays and special events is universal among all eras and cultures.

      Reflect: what do you associate with the word "celebrate"? Most people equate it with special food, drink, games, music and dancing, gifts, good humor, pictures, toasts, socializing, and perhaps rituals like parades, concerts, and fireworks, The universal goal is to create an event in which all participants "have a good time." One exception is gathering to celebrate the life of someone who has died. 

      Many things evoke family celebrations: births and birthdays, Bas and Bar mitzvahs,  christenings, weddings, retirements, housewarmings, graduations, social and religious holidays, victories, anniversaries, reunions, and so on. Ideally, celebrants expect to put conflicts aside, join in fellowship, and increase family bonding and tradition.  Does this match your experience?

      The reality is that for a variety of reasons, family gatherings can cause members stress, conflict, hurt, frustration, resentments, sadness, and disappointments. This is specially true in low-nurturance ("dysfunctional"), divorcing, and step families.

      Why?

      Though details are unique, common surface causes of family celebration stress include:

• poor planning

• inclusion and exclusion hurts and resentments

• loyalty and favoritism conflicts

• values (priority) conflicts

• unrealistic expectations

• boredom

• "personality clashes,"

• comparisons and competitions, and...

• logistics (invitations, time, place, environment, accommodations, guests, etc).

Issues like these can reduce the enjoyment of any family gathering. None of them are the real problems. The underlying stressors are...

• unrecognized psychological wounds,

• adult unawareness of key topics,

• incomplete grief in adults and kids; and....

• public ignorance of - and tolerance for - these epidemic stressors.

      Typical multi-generational stepfamilies have more members and relationships, more simultaneous stressors, less shared history, and a range of complex merger tasks that intact biofamilies don't have. For these reasons, planning a stepfamily celebration or vacation that provides "a good time" for all participants is very challenging.

Suggestions

      To lay a foundation for enjoyable stepfamily celebrations...

__  1)  Co-parents - including ex mates and new mates - check themselves for inherited psychological wounds, and commit to healing any you find. Failure to do this will minimize the benefits from these other options.

__  2)  All adult family members accept your stepfamily identity and learn what that means. Failure to do this will promote unrealistic expectations about your celebrations.

__  3)  All adults take this stepfamily quiz to learn what you need to learn. Then view and discuss this YouTube video:

__  4)  All adults (including co-grandparents) study and discuss how to spot and resolve these common stepfamily stressors:

• stepfamily identity conflicts

• loyalty conflicts

• family membership (inclusion) conflicts

• values conflicts (e.g. over visitations, custody, financial support, child discipline, names, and family role-titles)

• stepkids' special needs, and who's responsible for filling each of them;

• common stepfamily merger tasks

• relationship triangles

• power struggles; and

• how to spot and finish incomplete grief, and make a pro-grief family.

__  5) All family adults study and discuss these common stepfamily myths and typical realities. This will help you all form realistic expectations for your  family gatherings and celebrations

__  6) As you learn these topics, teach your minor and adult kids and any family supporters the key ideas.

      Pause, breathe, and notice your feelings and thoughts now. Does this 6-step framework seem daunting? Can you imagine all your stepfamily adults voluntarily following these steps over time?

  The Real World

      For various reasons, few typical stepfamily members are willing to learn about and commit to these six foundation steps. One implication is: typical celebratory gatherings will be stressful from mixes of the surface problems above. Adults who host stepfamily gatherings can help minimize these stresses by doing these things:

      Choose a patient, long term (multi-year) view, and a goal of making gradual progress with these steps over time. Ideally, commit to patiently working your way through online lesson 7.

      Take the lead in inviting other family adults to learn and commit to the suggestions above. One option is to give selected or all your related adults a copy of this article before any major celebrations.

      Work at these suggestions yourself, to gain experience and authority in discussing them with other family members.

      Work intentionally to improve your communication effectiveness - in general and in conflicts. (Best choice: study online Lesson 2)

      Become familiar with these ideas about analyzing and resolving relationship problems. (ref. Lessons 2 and 4)

      Review these suggestions about effective communication with kids

      Review these Q&A articles about stepparenting and stepkids.

      Over time, evolve strategies to manage each of the stressors mentioned above when they occur - in general, and in your celebrations. Study the linked articles above for each stressor to learn useful options. Here's a checklist to help you: 

      "I know how to manage conflicts over:

_ stepfamily identity _ stepfamily membership _ family responsibilities

_ loyalties _ names / role-titles _ traditions

_ values _ triangles _ family mergers

      Before your celebration, lower your expectations. Assume that your adults and kids will have some stress despite your best efforts. Adopt and promote the attitude that "problems are opportunities to learn."

      Pause, breathe, and let go of all these details. The above ideas are a lot of work! The enjoyment you all can experience from a stepfamily celebration or vacation is directly proportional to the preparations you all put into it.

      Let's use the ideas above to briefly explore another important family event...

Stepfamily Vacations      Pause and reflect  use your memory of "my best (biofamily) vacation" to identify factors that affect whether a family trip or outing is enjoyed by all participants or not. As you know, there are many chances for conflict and dissatisfaction in average intact biofamilies - e.g. :

• disagreements over where to go and where to stay

• conflicts over who should be included

• disputes over expenses

• arguments over dates and event duration;

• clashes over packing and what to bring

• travel discomforts, delays, and frustrations

• balancing adults' and kids' activities

• relations among visiting and visited people

• arranging for home,  pet, and child care while gone; and...

• the weather

      Overarching all these factors is the biggest one: the effectiveness of family adults at planning a group trip or outing. Four key planning factors in any family are:

_ who's in charge (responsible for planning)?

_ effective family communication and problem-solving;

_  how empathic each planner is about each family members' needs and priorities; and...

_  how much each child and adult feels a part of the planning discussions.

Extra Stepfamily Challenges

      A web of factors make planning a trip  that satisfies all involved stepfamily kids and adults "enough" is daunting. Each of the surface stressors above apply to step vacations, with these concurrent dynamics:

• stepfamily identity conflicts

• loyalty conflicts

• family membership (inclusion) conflicts

• values conflicts (e.g. over visitations, custody, financial support, child discipline, names, and family role-titles)

• stepkids' special needs, and who's responsible for filling each of them;

• common stepfamily merger tasks

• relationship triangles

• power struggles; and

• how to spot and finish incomplete grief, and make a pro-grief family.

      Compared to biofamily vacations, stepfamily trips affect more people (including ex mates and their relatives), who have very different histories, values, and loyalties,

      Finances are more complex (who pays for what?).

      Scheduling is more complicated - e.g. factoring in child-visitation and custody timings and school breaks;

      Another potential problem is deciding who rooms or sleeps with whom during the trip.

Stepchild Testing

      A common dynamic in new stepfamilies is stepkids of all ages needing to test and retest - i.e. research - questions like these:

    "Who's in charge of this family - who makes the rules?"

     "What happens if I break the rules? Who makes the consequences, and  how much power do I have?"

     "How high do I rank in this family (unimportant > very important)?

     "Am I safe in this family?" "Am I loved?"

    "Can I get Mom and Dad back together again?"

      Vacations offer a special; opportunity to do such testing, which may promote a range of child - adult disputes and confrontations. Stepchild - stepparent disputes usually evoke complex loyalty conflicts that can become marital stressors ("You seem to care more about your child than about my kids or me!")

Recap

      This Lesson-7 article offers perspective on stepfamily celebrations and vacations. It summarizes common surface stressors that lower the enjoyment of such events, and suggests four underlying problems:

• unrecognized psychological wounds,

• adult unawareness of key topics,

• incomplete grief in adults and kids; and....

• public ignorance of - and tolerance for - these epidemic stressors.

      The article identifies specific ideal preparations stepfamily adults can make to improve the success of any special gatherings. It adds practical steps hosts and hostesses can take to motivate other stepfamily members to do these preparation steps over time.

       The article closes by highlighting suggestions for co-creating satisfying new-stepfamily vacations. Doing so is significantly more complicated than planning biofamily trips.

      Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or ''someone else''?

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