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        This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. This series extends the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

  What is a "Co-parent Job Description"? 

       It's a brief, written document that clearly describes what a stepparent or bioparent in a stepfamily is "supposed to" do (or not supposed to do). Complex businesses use employee job descriptions to improve group efficiency, standardize and define employee responsibilities, and provide a concrete way of evaluating an employee's performance over time. 

        Typical stepfamilies are far more complex than average intact biofamilies, yet co-parents rarely try to define who's responsible for providing specific nurturances. That leads to confusions and conflicts, which lowers their homes' and stepfamily's nurturance levels. That promotes false-self wounds in kids and adults alike.

        Many other human groups don't bother with job descriptions, or they use informal verbal versions. Adults and kids who (a) aren't clear on their family role responsibilities, and/or (b) who's responsibilities don't match their capabilities, usually experience "role stress" (anxiety.) All new stepfamily members are at risk of this, including co-grandparents and other kin!


  Why Are Co-Parent Job Descriptions Helpful? 

       Average stepfamilies have two to six or more dependent kids living in two or more related homes, with three or more or more adults trying to fill their developmental and special needs well enough. Such families often don't stabilize for four or more years after re/wedding - and some never do. Kids need high-nurturance co-parenting while this is happening, from "time zero" This is often confusing, stressful work, because...

Raising kids well in the new millennium is complex and confusing in any family;

In typical stepfamilies, minor kids have over 30 adjustment needs to fill that biofamily peers don't. Typically, their co-parents have neither training nor direct experience to help guide the kids with these alien, concurrent needs, while satisfying adjustment-needs of their own;

Average re/wedded co-parents discover up to 30 adjustment tasks they must work at pa-tiently  together to avoid probable re/divorce. This process can significantly distract them from parenting clarity, focus, and effectiveness;

Usually, the three or more co-parents (even divorced bioparents) have very different standards, values, priorities, and goals for effective child rearing. Melding these into a workable whole over time is a major, confusing, often conflictual process - specially because the kids are growing and changing. This can be even harder if co-grandparents or other relatives aren't open to compromising their familiar caregiving values and practices;

Often, divorced bioparents carry resentments, distrusts, and dislikes (co-parenting barriers) from before their family break-up and divorce process. New spouses often choose sides, amplifying adult unwillingness to get clear on how all the co-parents are going to team up to guide their dependent step/kids effectively.

At re/wedding time, most stepmoms and stepdads often don't know what they're "supposed to" do with their new mate's child/ren. Often their new mate, each stepchild, their stepkid's other bioparent, and step and biorelatives have conflicting ideas about what a "good" (effective) stepparent is, too. While their child-rearing goals are similar to bioparents', stepparents' inner, family, and social environments can differ in dozens of ways. This contributes to co-parenting doubt, confusion, and conflict for years;

Kids visiting or living in a new stepfamily home typically will "test" all adults to find out...

  "Who makes the rules here?"            "What happens if I break them?"

  "How much power do I have?"            "Am I really safe here?"

As we did, kids will play their adults against each other to gain the greatest freedoms they can. If all related co-parents aren't clear and agreed on (a) what are our home and nuclear-family rules and consequences, and (b) who enforces the rules, (c) how, and (d) when?, kids will feel both powerful and unsafe ("Am I in charge here?"); and ...

In most post-divorce stepfamilies, bioparenting (and sometimes stepparenting) is often legally regulated by parenting agreements and custody decrees. These documents often define who can do what parenting when, specifically, or generally.

        They usually promote sporadic co-parenting contention and conflict, as well as (hopefully) providing helpful post-divorce parenting structure. Such documents are rarely created with new stepparents and step siblings in mind, so they can cause stressful loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles.

       For these reasons and others, stepfamily co-parenting is often unsteadily confusing, frustrating, and chaotic. That promotes role stress, which stresses re/marriages! Unless all co-parents, including ex mates,  pull together, minor kids are the ultimate losers.


  Making Effective Co-parenting Job Descriptions

        The first steps are for all three or more related co-parents...

Agree that they all belong to the same multi-home stepfamily (vs. two or three separate "families"), so they're caregiving teammates with common goals: their respective kids' wholistic health and eventual successful independence. Next, all co-parents...

Discuss and merge their ideas on what makes a high-nurturance (effective) family; and...

Discuss and work toward agreeing on what an effective co-parent is. Then...

Work toward agreeing on a meaningful Bill of Personal Rights for each stepfamily child and adult. Finally all related stepparents and bioparents...

Review and agree on the normal developmental and special adjustment needs of each individual dependent stepchild in their related homes.

        When related co-parents master these five challenging steps enough over some months, they're ready to evolve useful, integrated co-parenting job descriptions. The long-term effectiveness of their job descriptions rises when they're based on a clear, consensual mission statement for co-parents' two or more related homes.

       Co-parenting job descriptions are like mission statements in that they clearly declare basic values and goals. They differ in that they include more detail, and they may describe goals over a specific time period. The basic values and goals in a finished job description probably won't change too much. Specific short-term objectives will need to be updated regularly. 

        Like your mission statements, effective job descriptions will (ideally) be discussed openly and thoroughly with every person significantly affected by the co-parenting role or job. A stepparent's job description, then, should include the thoughtful input and suggestions of at least all (older) kids and other co-parents involved.

        Re/wedded mates may make separate goal statements for their marriage relationship, and for co-managing their home. If this was true in the job description sample below, it would be shorter, because the first two parts of the job description would be in these separate statements. An optional third document is a specific strategy or plan to reach the main goals in the stepfamily job descriptions. Plans may be blended into the latter, or may stand alone.

        If this sounds like a lot of work - it IS! Co-managing an average multi-home stepfamily effectively is complex, confusing, demanding, and often conflictual, for many years. The eventual rewards of this long-term challenge are enormous: healthy, productive, independent young adults, and contented, proud co-parents and relatives. For long-term success, minor stepfamily kids depend on all their three or more co-parents to want to steadily contribute their commitment, time, energy, and patience - as teammates, not adversaries, contestants, or deserters.

So: well-designed co-parent job descriptions can really help reduce stepfamily confusion and improve child-rearing quality and outcomes. Unless it's consulted regularly and used, even the best designed co-parent job description becomes just another piece of paper in a dark place!

        What does a co-parent (vs. stepparent) job description look like? Here's a...


  Sample: A Dual-role Biofather/Stepfather's Job Description

       This example shows the most complex case. It has four parts:

• "My Basic Principles,"

• "Our Common Parenting Goals," and specific...

• Stepfathering goals for this man's stepdaughter Ann (12), and...

• Biofathering targets for his genetic son Alex (15).

So this description defines two similar and different co-parenting roles, or "jobs."

       This stepdad/biodad tries to balance his job description between being general enough to allow flexibility, and being specific enough to provide clear guidance. Here...

Martha is the stepdad's wife, Ann's custodial biomother;

Rick is Martha's ex husband, Ann's biofather; and...

Alex lives with his single biomom, Nina.

Confusing, isn't it?  Both kids visit their other bioparent periodically.

       As you read this, note which parts you agree with and feel good about - and why - and which you’d do differently. There is no right way!  Keep in mind: "co-parent" (and "stepparent") is a role, not a person!

+ + +

 My Two-role Co-parenting Job Description

1)  My Basic Principles

• I will be true to my God and my Self before all others. Keeping my Self healthy and balanced is one of the greatest gifts I can give to Martha, Ann, and Alex. I'm responsible for doing so;

• I thoughtfully choose this job of co-parent (biofather/stepfather) in our three-home stepfamily. I take it seriously!

• I accept Rick and Nina as truly equal co-parenting partners with Martha and me, even if we feel their values or choices harm or threaten us, Alex, or Ann.

• Martha and I are equally responsible for providing a safe and healthy home for all under our roof. I will never consciously cause or allow verbal, emotional, physical, or spiritual abuse or neglect in our home, or to our members outside our home;

• My overall responsibility to Ann and Alex is to nurture, protect, and encourage them as unique children of God, in cooperation with Martha, Nina, and Rick.

• When people can't agree in and between our three homes, my marriage commitment to Martha will usually come before all else except my wholistic health and integrity. I ask and expect the same priority from Martha. I pledge my part in protecting us all from redivorce. My loving bond with Alex will never break. My growing bonds with Martha and Ann are different and less sure.

• I will strive to stay clear on what an effective co-parent is in our multi-home stepfamily, and will steadily work for excellence in this job, within my and our limits;

• As a co-parent, I am a willing, temporary caregiver, guide, and protector for Alex and Ann - not an owner or a buddy.

• Because I co-conceived him, and have known and nurtured Alex longer, I share more responsibility for his values and choices than I do for Ann's. I will become more responsible for Ann as we all build our stepfamily together;

• To me, "parental love" means consistently prizing and nurturing the spirit, talents, dreams, and uniqueness of any child. In this sense, I love Ann and Alex equally. Because Alex carries my genes, name, features, and lineage, I also love him deeply in a different way.

• Nina and I are jointly responsible for major co-parenting decisions about Alex. Martha and Rick are primarily responsible for major co-parenting decisions about Ann. Martha and I can advise each other on such decisions, where helpful. I share equal responsibility with Martha for daily living decisions in our home.

• I respect Alex's and Ann's grandparents and relatives as valued, special partners in our extended stepfamily. I respect their rights to know about and contribute to Alex and Ann's welfare. I may - but don't have to - follow their counsel. Martha may have a different view on this.

• I will never try to take Rick's place as Ann's biofather. I do fathering "things" with and for her every day. I will do what I can to respect and promote a healthy, loving relationship between Ann and Rick. If I feel Rick's actions seriously harm or threaten Ann, I will speak my opinion clearly and promptly, and seek peaceful change together with Martha.

• I will protect Alex and Ann from experiencing anyone - including Martha, me, and themselves - abusing, neglecting, or shaming them; or violating their personal boundaries;

• In guiding and protecting Ann, I acknowledge the real limits on me that exist in Martha and Rick's divorce decree. I claim the right to disagree with those limits, and to work cooperatively and within the law to change them, if Martha and I agree that would help Ann.

In our home and stepfamily, I believe every member - regardless of age, gender, or ancestry - always has equal rights to:

1)  Have their ideas, feelings, and dreams heard and respected;

2)  Have their needs considered seriously and fairly;

3)  Know clearly who's responsible for what, and what our rules and consequences are;

4)  Make and learn from their own mistakes without shame or excessive guilt;

5)  Be seen as a unique, special, and worthwhile person;

6)  Learn and grow at their own pace and in their own directions;

7)  "Enough" privacy, space, and freedom of choice;

8)  Unconditional love, respect, and physical, emotional, and spiritual safety,

9)  Their own friends, values, and activities - if not harmful, in Martha's and my opinions;

• I believe Alex and Ann each have the right to live at some time with their other bioparent if (a) they want to and (b) all adults affected by such a change agree on it;

• I'm open to constructive ideas from other people about my co-parenting job. I am responsible for making, updating, and acting on this statement to be the best co-parent I can be. I've never been in a stepfamily, so I'll make mistakes as I learn how to be an effective stepfather. That's OK, as long as I learn from them and apologize where needed!

Continue with parts 2-4 (page 2) of this sample biofather-stepfather job (role) description...

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Updated August 30, 2010