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- Learn what kids need and how to parent effectively |
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Common Long-term
Goals
of
Effective Co-parents
What parents strive
to accomplish
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council
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This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 6
- learn what typical kids need as they grow, and how to fill their needs
effectively over two decades without neglecting yourself. The range of major
suggests that most U.S. parents are failing at
this.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
Perspective
A basic premise in this Web site is that most U.S. families are
"dysfunctional" - meaning that kids and adults don't get their wholistic
needs met well enough, often enough. The main reasons for this seem to
be...
-
public ignorance and denial of the lethal [wounds
and unawareness] cycle and its
and...
-
public acceptance of child conception by couples who aren't prepared
to parent effectively, and..
-
the widespread economic necessity for
both parents to work; and...
-
little public emphasis on helping
parents nurture kids effectively.
A symptom of these factors is typical parents
defining vague long-range goals for what
they're trying to achieve with each dependent child. If asked about
their parenting goals, many will say something like "Oh, we want our
kids to grow up to be happy, healthy, and successful." That's like a
commercial jet pilot saying "Oh, I want to land us all safely somewhere,
some time."
This article offers a sample of specific long-range parenting goals, based on
kids' normal develop-mental needs. These samples comes from my 30+ years of studying human
development and family-system "problems" as a professional therapist.
This article and series exists to encourage
adults to think critically about what their kids
need, and how to fill these needs effectively.
My experience is that most American adults are
(GWCs)
who didn't get effective parenting in their early years. How do some
parents manage to raise Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs)?
Since the early 1980's, fresh perspectives on "effective parenting" have
emerged from the U.S. Inner child / Adult Child / Dysfunctional
Family movement. The ideas below reflect this. They are
offered as food for thought and discussion, not rigid absolutes.
Basic Parenting Goals
A biological
parent is a
person who
co-conceives a new human being. In this article, "a parent" is anyone who
has ongoing responsibility for protecting, guiding, and nurturing
a minor child toward adult independence over time. In this sense,
"parent"
(or stepparent) is a role (a set of
goals, responsibilities, and rules),
not a
person. Ideally, men and women who choose the
role of parent (and grandparent) find ongoing
satisfaction in trying to fill the basic needs of each child in their
care.
Note which
of these goals you agree with, which you'd redefine, and which don't fit for you.
Also: which of these did you get? Give? Which evoke the strongest feelings
in you? Why? Discussing these with your family adults
can be very helpful.
This Lesson-6 series focuses on effective
parenting, vs. good or bad.
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Premise:
An
effective
parent
consistently guides dependent
children toward eventually...
-
developing a well-functioning
led by an unhindered
-
leaving home with tolerable anxiety, and becoming...
-
a balanced, healthy, self-responsible, self-nurturing, "happy,"
productive adult and citizen, who may choose to...
-
become a satisfied mate and an
effective parent themselves.
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This two-decade process involves filling a mosaic of
changing physical, emotional,
and mental
needs in each growing child
("nurturing"), and helping them develop up over 20 things like
those below. Option - as you read, rank-order each goal's importance
- e.g. H(igh), M(oderate), or L(ow). These
sam-ple goals are not ranked.
+ + +
Goal 1)
Patiently (a) encourage and
model each child's awareness of
and the dyna-mics
and (b) teach them the concepts and words to help them think about and
describe these awarenesses accurately.
2) Instill a clear, healthy
sense of personal identity and
"This is who I am; what I like,
need, believe, and hope for; and how and where I differ from you." This
parenting goal includes develop-ing the child's abilities to clearly say "No,"
"Yes," "Stop," and "I want and need..."
without great
anxiety, guilt, or shame, and with respect for other peoples' equal
rights and boundaries;
3) Instill the unshakable
belief "I am lovable, valuable, unique, and important in the world, simply because I'm
Me. I matter!" Effective parents help kids to value their own worth, dignity, wants, needs,
ideas, dreams, and feelings as being
as (not more important than)
any other person's.
This implies patiently helping each small child, who first feels weak,
"dumb," clumsy, and depen-dent, to eventually replace their normal feelings of
shame, inadequacy, and self-doubt with healthy self respect and realistic
self confidence. Did your parents do that for you?;
4) Instill healthy core values that the child grows to believe, can name, and uses as guides for
safe, satisfying daily living and growth. These may include honesty, diligence; courage; creativity;
Self care is good; respect my Self and others equally; sensitivity; balance work, play,
and rest daily; honor; try new things; nurture myself, others, and our Earth; and many more...
Goal 5) Build kids' trust...
-
in their own perceptions
and competencies;
-
that caregivers, most authorities, and true friends will
consistently support (vs. attack, use, abuse, or ignore) them.
This implies learning how to discipline kids firmly and lovingly;
and build their trust...
-
that the world is generally safe, where there's
usually enough.
This parenting goal also includes developing a
child’s independent abilities to (a) decide "Who merits my trust?," and
(b) to act on that, without undue
fear, anxiety, or shame. A common psychological wound is an
inability to trust wisely, and not knowing that or how to
6) Effective parents develop each child’s...
-
awareness and appreciation of their unique
talents and limitations; and their...
-
motivation and ability to keep developing these
gifts on their
own and to...
-
use them productively in the world,
and to enjoy the results.
7) Help kids grow
(a) guilt-free self respect, (b) a healthy, realistic self-image, and (c) realistic self confidence, based on the
child's
growing skills, achievements, and limitations;
And over time, effective
parents strive to,,.
8) Help kids to accept
their inevitable limitations and failures without undue frustration, guilt, or shame,
and to learn to see most "mistakes" as chances to learn;
9) Encourage kids to grow steady
faith that (a) their life has real meaning, definable purposes, and attainable objectives,
and that (b) there is a benign (vs. conditionally-loving or punitive)
in the
universe providing reliable guidance and support in times of trouble and peace;
10) Help children grow
skills in
learning,
and
effec-tively. These
include: (a) the art of comfortably giving and receiving merited praise, and
(b) noticing and managing
and interpersonal
conflicts.
here shows how to do this essential task;
Goal 11) Grow kids'
humility and
non-arrogant
in their personal uniqueness and achieve-ments, and equally
valuing and accepting of these in others. This implies that an effective parent
doesn't require their child to be a clone or god/ess;
12) Instill
inner
permission to clearly express current thoughts, feelings, and needs
- with dis-cretion, and without undue anxiety,
This implies
teaching a child how to...
13) feel, manage,
and safely express emotions like
fear,
confusion, lust, embarrassment and shame, frustration, guilt, sorrow, and hurt;
and teaching them to
14)
Grow their ability
to
their
inevitable life losses (broken bonds) well, on all
three levels. Most adults weren't
taught how to do this, which is why
exists here.
And effective
parents help their kids grow...
15) (a)
Encourage interest in, and (b) reverence for, our biosphere (vs. abuse or indifference); and the motivations and
abilities to (c) learn how the world works, and to (d) apply their learnings
construc-tively, within their limits; and...
Goal 16) Instill appreciation
and healthy self-care of their mind, spirit, and body, no matter what it's
form. This includes learning and Self-motivated practice of healthy personal hygiene,
nutrition, and bal-anced rest, work, and exercise; and...
17) Instill the abilities
to socialize and cooperate willingly and harmoniously with selected others, without
their own
18) Seek and
accept help when needed, without resentment or feeling like an imposer, wimp,
or weakling; and to...
19)
Build healthy
(vs. toxic) relationships with nurturing others, based on mutual love, trust, re-spect,
and support rather than neediness, fear, control, or power. This goal includes nurturing each
child's ability to exchange true
intimacy, which depends partly on
courage to risk rejection and
abandonment.
here offers a framework to help with this vital task.
And an effective parent tries to help each of child
in their life to...
20) Help kids accept and appreciate themselves as
and sexual beings, and consistently
practice
behaviors and limits in each
domain; And...
Goal 21) Help kids be clear on what masculinity
and femininity are in themselves and others in their culture, and to be comfortable with their own
and gender preference. This
implies helping each child to learn "What do (healthy) grown women and men do (in
many situations), and how do I get to be like that safely?";
22) (a)
Be
clear on the process, responsibilities, stages, realities, and joys
of conceiving
and/or parenting children; and (b) grow a high integrity and commitment to raising their
own kids (if any) toward many of these long-term parenting goals.
23) Adults in typical multi-home
and
have many extra adult and
child adjustment needs to identify and
juggle. Effective parents
will want to study, adapt, and apply Lessons 1 thru 7 before their
family reorganizes.
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24) The overarching
goals of effective parents are to patiently guide each child's
to (a) trust the
child's developing
(capital
"S") to
make effective life decisions, and to (b) let go of depending on others'
ruling subselves to make their decisions for them. This is the core of
developing genuine adult self-responsibility, and the
essence of what it means to "grow up." Resta-ted:
effective parents guard their
children against developing false-self
See
Lessons 5 and 6. |
+ + +
Have you ever seen such specific
childcare targets in one place before? How do
you feel? Would you edit or delete any of them? If you rewrote this list and made it yours,
you'd have the draft of a valuable parenting
to guide you, and to tell others what you're trying to do
as a responsible parent.
These sample goals apply to any child-caretaker, including grandparents,
aunts, uncles, sitters, nannies, day-care facilitators, clergy, coaches,
counselors, and classroom teachers.
Status Check
Reflect how many of these goals did
you get consistently as a young child and teen?
__ less than 10 __ ten
to fifteen __ all of them.
How has that affected you as an adult?
How many of these goals are you and
your family adults pursuing with your young people now?
__ less than 10 __ ten
to fifteen __ all of them.
If you adults need to refine your goals, what
do you need to change - specifically?
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The list of caregiving
goals above illustrate why family-life
experts believe effective parenting is among the toughest, most important, and
ultimately most
rewarding of all human endeavors. This im-portance is magnified, because every
grown child impacts a great fan of hundreds of people in their and later generations. |
What do you suppose
to
children who don’t get consistent, loving adult help (nurturance) to
meet these developmental needs and goals? Do you know anyone who didn't get
enough help?
Recap
This is one of a series of Web articles devoted to exploring effective
parenting. It offers 24 specific goals that effective caregivers can use to
evolve a Grown Nurtured Child (GNC) who can repeat this ama-zing feat.
Achieving these goals is most likely if all family adults have studied and
discussed Lessons 1 thru 7 here.
 Continue
by reviewing a set of personality
traits of effective parents. Do they describe you and your other
family adults?
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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Updated
March 06, 2010
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The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/parent/goals.htm