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This is one of a
articles in Lesson 4 - optimize your
This brief YouTube video clip summarizes options for resolving "values conflicts:"
The intro mentions eight self-improvement lessons in this Web site - I've
reduced that to seven.
worksheet can help you learn how you and/or other people handle
one of three universal relationship stressors - values conflicts. The other stressors are
loyalty conflicts (a type of values conflict) and
relationship triangles. All three
dynamics are very common in typical troubled relationships
To get the most from this worksheet, first study...
The first steps in reducing values conflicts is to
understand what they are, what causes them, and why they're a problem. The next step is to get clear on how you and a partner normally react to them.
This is not about
blaming anyone, it's about raising your awareness!
Choose the unbiased curiosity of a
student, and expect to learn something useful from filling out this
Print this worksheet, and underline,
asterisk, write notes or comments, and/or use a highlighter as you
fill it out
Find a quiet, comfortable place to
do this, and pick a time when you're rested, alert, and undistracted
Pick a special past or present
relationship (including kids), and apply the items below to it.
Take your time, meditate, and notice your thoughts and feelings
without judgment as
Accept or adapt the proposed conflict-resolution steps
here to fit your personality and style, and compare them to your results
this for more detail after you finish this
After you finish, decide if you want to...
improve your present way of managing values conflicts, and/or...
discuss your results with someone, and/or...
rate another relationship.
How Do You Handle
Values Conflicts Now?
Identify a value, belief, preference, or
priority that you and someone else significantly disagree on. Think of the most recent time you experienced this conflict, and answer the
following. T = true, F = false, and ? = "I'm not sure,"
or "I can't remember."
We each (a) knew these seven
and (b) used them
effectively as partners, not opponents (T
We helped each other maintain (a) a
shared focus, and (b) a two-person
as we clarified and negotiated our values conflict/s (T F
We each felt heard, respected, and
satisfied enough with the
outcome of our negotiation (T F
If you can't answer "True" to the
last item, take your time and see which of these best describes your
attempt to resolve this values conflict. Check all that apply:
1) _ one or _ both of us ignored or
denied that we had an important values conflict
2) _ one or _ both of us ignored
values conflicts (between active personality subselves)
3) _ one or _ both of us were unclear on
_ our and/or _ our partner's current
4) _ one or _ both of us expected that we
would not resolve this conflict effectively
5) _ one or _ both of us tried to
persuade or force the other person to agree with our value and discount their
6) _ one or _ both of us focused on
explaining why our value, preference, perception, or priority was right, implying that our partner's value was wrong
7) _ one or _ both of us became focused
on winning, rather than on win-win resolution
8) _ one or _ both of us equated
compromising with losing and/or being "weak"
9) _ one or _ both of us pretended to
agree with the other to end the discussion (or struggle)
10) _ one or _ both of us "shut down"
(stopped participating) or physically withdrew.
11) _ one or _ both of us became
sarcastic, scornful, critical, and/or brought up
other issues and/or _ focused on the past or the future,
rather than the present
12) _ one or _ both of us was doing other
things while we talked (wasn't concentrating)
13) _ one or _ both of us used
and/or black/white (rigid) thinking
14) _ one or _ both of us felt the other
person wasn't hearing them
15) _ one or both of us _ was
how we were trying to resolve our conflict, or _ was unwilling to discuss that
16) _ one or _ both of us used some other
17) _ (something else)
Pause, breathe, stretch, and notice your
thoughts and feelings
now without judgment. Try saying out loud what you just learned about how
you and your partner tried to resolve this values conflict. Expand your
awareness, and see if there is a
pattern to your resolution attempts with most or all of your values
conflicts with (a) this person and (b) other important adults and kids
at home and at work.
with your worksheet results, or postpone doing something
overwhelmed by what you learned here,
and decide to make no changes
Patiently follow all the links in this
worksheet and the related popups to increase your awareness and options
Ask someone to fill out a copy of this worksheet, and
discuss your mutual learnings as partners
Show your completed worksheet to someone,
and discuss it with them. Option - ask them to validate your
observations about how you and this partner usually react to values
Identify specific things about resolving
values conflicts that you want to change, do so, and see what happens
this article to clarify your understanding and options
Identify serious values conflicts in your
current life, and apply your learnings here toward resolving them
Teach any kids in your life what you're
learning about spotting and resolving values conflicts
Show this worksheet and related articles to
any counselor, coach, or therapist you're working with now
Use this worksheet periodically with all your
family members to track your progress in resolving your values conflicts
over time. Remind each other that
this worksheet is not about blaming
or fault-finding, it's about learning and getting more needs met!
Do something else (what?)
Reality check - on a scale of one
(I have no interest in trying these
options now) to ten (I'm very motivated to try these steps
today), my motivation is a ___.
A values conflict occurs when two or more people disagree on significant
preferences, beliefs, perceptions, and/or priorities. Usually, the best
solution to them is to seek a mutually-acceptable compromise, or
respectfully agree to disagree, rather than avoiding, pretending, fighting,
arguing, manipulating, or trying to persuade or force each other to change.
An inability to do this usually indicates significant
+ ineffective communication skills in one or both people.
2 provide practical ways to help reduce each of these over time.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this worksheet? Did
you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise