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- choose and grow nourishing relationships |
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Worksheet: Are We Committing
for the Right Reasons?
Many couples fool themselves
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Expert Council
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http://sfhelp.org/sf/date/reasons.htm
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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. This series extends
the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
This is one of a series of
worksheets for courting couples with and without kids from prior unions.
If neither of you have prior kids, use
this
worksheet. The series exists because from
30 years' study, I believe that
one
of
that over half of American
couples divorce legally or psychologically is
couples choose
the wrong
to commit to, at the
wrong
for the wrong
This is specially true in stepfamily situations.
 Background
Unrecovering
survivors of
childhoods
or GWCs) are at special risk
of making unwise courtship choices because of excessive neediness,
unawareness, and
As you'll see here, the complex decision to
commit to a primary partner and form or join a stepfamily is
caused by many different needs (discomforts). These needs range from high to low
for
each courting partner.
This worksheet offers a place to
calmly and thoughtfully assess your and your partner’s conscious motives
(needs)
for considering stepfamily co-commitment. Unconscious motives,
which often stem from unmet childhood needs, may be even more important. For
thought-provoking ideas on the unconscious reasons we pick our partner/s
- over and over - see "Keeping the Love You Find" by
veteran pastoral counselor Dr. Harville Hendrix.
The best time to use
this series of worksheets is after putting in some months on
these self-study
and
before
exchanging commitment vows. If you’re already
committed and cohabiting, recall the time you decided to co-commit, and imagine your
inner and outer life circumstances as vividly as you can. Otherwise, fill out
this worksheet to clarify why you (consciously) want to commit to your
excellent mate.
These worksheets are based on my clinical experience with over 1,000 average stepfamily
co-par-ents since 1981, and my own failed remarriage. From
these and my clinical research since 1979, I pro-pose that there are wise
reasons
to commit (promoting stable, satisfying, high-nurturance stepfamily
relationships), and unwise (stress-promoting) reasons. The ultimate
judges here are you, your partner, and your dependents!
Reflect on why you're reading this article, and authorize yourself to invest all the time you need here.
Stepfamily commitment is one of
the most complex, life-affecting decisions you'll ever make. Consider reviewing your
worksheet results with your mate and any clergy or other
you trust and respect.
Widespread U.S.
implacably implies that love alone is
NOTenough in choosing
a stepfamily partnership...
if your
is about to use this
worksheet. If not, you risk a well-meaning false self
your answers. One of the five courtship hazards is significant
false-self control of one or both
mate's
Allocate 30" or so of undistracted
time for this learning exercise, and adopt the unbiased curiosity of a student.
Expect to learn something interesting and useful.
Print this page and scan all 41 items
below to see if these commitment motives each make sense
to you. If
an item doesn’t, re-word it so that it fits better;
Stay aware that all behavior -
including
to a primary partner - is powered by the normal human urge to reduce
discomforts (needs) and increase local and long-term satisfactions. So
"being needy" is normal, healthy, and unavoidable - not weak!
Then
meditate, and write a "P" or "1"
in the "Me" brackets ( ) for each item that feels like a
primary
reason you are considering commitment to your prospective stepfamily members.
Put
an "S" or "2" for secondary reasons. If you’re
unsure about any item, put "?". Take time to meditate
thoroughly on each item. Rushing through this assessment suggests a
false-self's
and is not in your long-term best
interest!
If you change your mind on earlier entries,
reflect on why you're seeing things differently.
Consider
or tape-recording
key thoughts, feelings, and awarenesses as you proceed. The process
of filling out these wise-choice worksheets is as instructive as your answers.
After you’ve explored your reasons for
committing, re-do the
worksheet by thoughtfully guesstimating the
"P" and "S" reasons [ ] of your partner.
"Scoring" is described at the end.
Peeking there will raise the chance you'll skew your answers and reduce the
value of this worksheet for you...
Options
Rank-order all your reasons (1st, 2nd, 3rd,…); and/or...
Star or hilight any items that seem extra important, and note
why after you finish.
Coach yourself to
avoid answering what
you should, and answer what is. Otherwise you’ll mislead yourself, and put you and any
dependents at risk of stepfamily unhappiness and re/divorce trauma.
This is a chance to learn about yourselves!
Ask your partner
to fill out a copy of this worksheet alone, vs. shoulder to shoulder. Then discuss
your results thoroughly as fellow explorers. Reluctance or ambivalence
to do this, or feeling significant anxiety about it, strongly suggests a
false self is
I want to
commit to this person
to...
Me / You
( ) [ ]
1) finally feel normal; and stop feeling socially
awkward as a single adult in a couples’ world.
( ) [ ] 2) expand and enhance my life’s daily experiences by sharing them with a
trusted, emotionally healthy,
beloved partner.
( ) [ ]
3) reduce my fear of growing old alone.
( ) [ ]
4) co-create and/or nurture one or more kids together "before
it’s too late."
( ) [ ]
5) live with a beloved adult who steadily makes me feel special and primary: i.e.
(usually) sees me as the most prized and important person in their life.
( ) [ ] 6) have another adult help me daily with my home, finances, chores,
and/or with my dependent kid/s.
( ) [ ] 7) feel
more secure / less anxious - i.e. safer.
( ) [ ] 8) often feel heard, deeply understood, and accepted by a beloved and respected
adult partner.
( ) [ ] 9)
gain the approval or acceptance of someone really important to me (other
than my partner);
(Who? __________________________ )
( ) [ ] 10)
rescue an appealing, deserving, or wounded adult and/or child/ren.
...and
I want to co-commit to this person to...
( ) [ ] 11) live with a beloved adult I can freely give to, and be received by.
( ) [ ] 12)
live with an adult who consistently respects and validates me, and helps me feel
good about my Self.
( ) [ ] 13)
(a) become more promotable at work, and/or to
(b) become
more acceptable to my kin, friends, neighbors, and/or my church community.
( ) [ ] 14) live with an adult I can often feel sexually
desired by, excited by, and satisfied with, without
guilt, shame, or anxiety.
( ) [ ] 15)
prove _____________________________ to somebody. (who?
_________________)
( ) [ ] 16)
often feel really known, appreciated, and enjoyed, by a beloved live-in
adult.
( ) [ ] 17)
avoid feeling old and unattractive, and demonstrate my vigor and appeal.
( ) [ ] 18)
live with an interesting adult companion who often stimulates me intellectually,
emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and expands my world.
( ) [ ] 19)
finally become "whole" and balanced.
( ) [ ] 20) fulfill God’s plan for me.
...and
I want to commit to this person to...
( ) [ ] 21) end my boredom, and have an exciting adventure!
( ) [ ] 22)
live with a loving adult who (often) wants to comfort, accept, and support me when
I’m worried,
scared, discouraged, confused, or ashamed.
( ) [ ] 23) live with an adult who steadily wants to encourage me to grow freely as a unique
person with
special, valuable abilities, and to help them do the same.
( ) [ ] 24)
feel consistently needed by, and useful and impactful (important) to, a beloved,
special adult I live
with.
( ) [ ] 25) "instantly" gain the family I (you) have always needed and longed
for.
( ) [ ] 26)
get revenge on someone who has really wounded and mistreated me, you, or a
key loved-one.
( ) [ ] 27)
finally end or avoid the stressful singles / dating scene.
( ) [ ] 28) finally end my (your) loneliness.
( ) [ ] 29)
avoid the emptiness and hassle of living alone.
( ) [ ] 30)
gain the resources to move away from here (or to ________________ ).
...and
I want to commit to this person to...
( ) [ ] 31)
lower or end my (your) major financial or emotional anxieties or fears.
( ) [ ] 32)
avoid God’s wrath, and end my (your) shame from living sinfully.
( ) [ ] 33)
"do the right thing" because of our unplanned child conception.
( ) [ ] 34)
get a parent, child, ex mate, or other key person off my (your) back.
( ) [ ] 35)
give a deprived child two loving co-parents and a nurturing home.
( ) [ ] 36)
give a needy minor child a(nother) good adult role-model.
( ) [ ] 37)
move into a better / safer home and/or neighborhood.
( ) [ ] 38)
end courtship commuting and phone-calling expense and hassles.
( ) [ ] 39)
end the frustration from our approach-avoid relationship, once and for all.
( ) [ ] 40)
make up for all the pain I’ve (you’ve) endured.
( ) [ ] 41)
relieve my kid/s (and/or others) from worrying about me.
( ) [ ] 42)
(any other reasons for committing to your mate...)
+ + +
Breathe well, and note your feelings and thoughts now without
judgment. Pay special attention to sources of discomfort or
"numbness": they're key signposts... Consider
about
what's going on inside you now. Option: review your results a later to see if your
answers change. Did you know of all these possible conscious and unconscious needs
("motivations") that shape the choice to commit or re/marry?
Use this worksheet to raise your
awareness, not as an absolute reference. Tailor it as needed to best fit
you and your situation. These
wise-choice worksheets are not
meant to replace your common sense, or your getting
where appropriate.
Right
now, I feel ....
and I
to....
"Scoring"
This Worksheet
Premise:
each reason above
which includes italicized phrases is often an unwise primary
reason to commit. Review where you put your "P"s or
"1"s, and where you guesstimated your partner’s "P's,"
and note any
pattern that emerges: Note also that these are all conscious reasons you're
considering spousal commitment. There are probably other reasons you're not yet aware of.
Of all ___ items that I marked as "P" or
"1" for me, ___ had
no italics. Divide the second number by the
first, and multiply by 100. Enter the result below:
I estimate that __ % of my
conscious
primary reasons for committing to this person and form a multi-home stepfamily
now favor long-term partnership and stepfamily success.
Of all the ____ items I marked as "P" (or
"1") for my partner, ___ had
no italics. Divide the second number
by the first, and multiply by 100. Enter the result below:
I estimate that ____ % of my
partner’s conscious primary reasons for committing to me and
form or join a multi-home stepfamily now favor long-term
partnership and stepfamily
success.
If either of you
have 50% or more italicized "P" or "1" commitment reasons,
seriously reconsiderwhy you want to commit to
the other person and form or join a complex, high-risk
now.
You and/or your partner are
probably each enduring false-self
and are in normal protective
denial of
that.
 If so, without a period of true
(vs. pseudo) personal
before pled-ging your
commitments,
you and
any dependent kids are likely to
re/divorce psycho-logically or legally. Recall Dr. Hendrix’s
seasoned opinion that the
main reasons we choose to marry each other are unconscious.
If that’s
true, then the items you just "scored" may not be the real reasons
you’re drawn to each other.
The key is whether your
filled out the worksheet or "someone else" did. If you haven't yet, I
encourage you to review these
and
questions and answers. Then invest in your
future and wholistic health by investing in and discussing the unique guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship.
Next - explore
any of the other seven courtship worksheets you haven't done yet:
After discussing all the worksheets,
if you
partners decide you're ready enough, set the date, and celebrate!
When you come back from your honeymoon (if any), keep working at these seven
essential
or long term success.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
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Updated
August 30, 2010
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