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- evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily |
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Worksheet: Are We Committing
for the Right Reasons?
Many couples fool themselves
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Expert Council
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 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/date/reasons.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup,
so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit, ad-free Web site.
This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a
stepfamily. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
This is one four
worksheets for courting couples with kids from prior unions. If neither of you have prior kids, use
this
worksheet. The worksheets exist because over half of American
couples (re)di-vorce legally or psychologically.
Psychologically
couples choose
the wrong
to commit to, at the
wrong
for the wrong
This is specially true in stepfamily situations.
This worksheet assumes you're familiar with these:
-
the
intro to this
nonprofit Web site and the
premises
underlying it
-
self-improvement Lessons
-
stepfamily
basics,
Q&A, and
quiz
-
these 16 common stepfamily-courtship
and...
-
this
example of a real
stepfamily
|
This worksheet offers a place to
thoughtfully assess your and your partner’s conscious motives
(needs)
for considering stepfamily co-commitment. Unconscious motives,
which often stem from unmet childhood needs, may be even more important. For
thought-provoking ideas on the unconscious reasons we pick our partner/s
- over and over - see "Keeping the Love You Find" by
veteran pastoral counselor Dr. Harville Hendrix.
My clinical and personal experience with hundreds of troubled stepfamily
couples that there are wise
reasons
to commit, and unwise (stress-promoting) reasons. The ultimate
judges here are you, your partner, and your dependents! Stepfamily commitment is one of
the most complex, life-affecting decisions you'll ever make.
Widespread U.S.
re/divorce implacably implies that love alone is
NOTenough in choosing
to form or join a stepfamily...
 Directions
if your
is about to use this
worksheet. If it
isn't, you risk a well-meaning false self
your answers. One of five universal courtship
is significant false-self control of one or both
mates'
Allocate 30" or so of undistracted
time for this learning exercise, and adopt the unbiased curiosity of a student.
Expect to learn something interesting and useful.
Print and study this worksheet to see if these commitment motives make sense
to you. If
an item doesn’t, edit it so that it fits better;
Stay aware that all behavior -
including
to a primary partner - is powered by the primal urge to reduce
discomforts (needs) and increase local and long-term satisfactions. So
"being needy" is normal, healthy, and unavoidable - not weak!
Then
meditate, and write a "P" or "1"
in the "Me" brackets ( ) for each item below that feels like a
primary
reason you are considering commitment to your prospective stepfamily members.
Put
an "S" or "2" for secondary reasons. If you’re
unsure about any item, put "?". Take time to meditate
thoroughly on each item. Rushing through this assessment suggests a
false-self's
and is not in your long-term best
interest!
If you change your mind on earlier entries,
reflect on why you're seeing things differently.
Consider
jotting down or tape-recording
key thoughts, feelings, and awarenesses as you proceed. The process
of filling out these wise-choice worksheets is as instructive as your answers.
After you’ve explored your reasons for
committing, re-do the
worksheet by thoughtfully guesstimating the
"P" and "S" reasons [ ] of your partner.
"Scoring" is described at the end.
Peeking there will raise the chance you'll skew your answers and reduce the
value of this worksheet for you.
Options
Rank-order all your reasons (1st, 2nd, 3rd,…); and/or...
Star or hilight any items that seem extra important, and note
why after you finish.
Coach yourself to
avoid answering what
you should, and answer what is. Otherwise you’ll mislead yourself, and put you and any
dependents at risk of stepfamily unhappiness and re/divorce trauma.
This is a chance to learn about yourselves!
Ask your partner
to fill out a copy of this worksheet alone, vs. shoulder to shoulder. Then discuss
your results thoroughly as fellow explorers.
Reluctance or ambivalence
to do this, or feeling sig-nificant anxiety about it, strongly suggests a
false self is in charge.
|
Are we
committing for the right reasons? |
I want to
commit to this person
to...
Me / You
( ) [ ]
1) finally feel normal; and stop feeling socially
awkward as a single adult in a couples’ world.
( ) [ ] 2)
expand and enhance my life’s daily experiences by sharing them with a
trusted, emotionally
healthy, beloved partner.
( ) [ ]
3) reduce my fear of growing old alone.
( ) [ ]
4) co-create and/or nurture one or more kids together "before
it’s too late."
( ) [ ]
5) live with a beloved adult who steadily makes me feel special and primary: i.e.
(usually) sees me as the most prized and important person in their life.
( ) [ ] 6)
have another adult help me daily with my home, finances, chores,
and/or with my dependent kid/s.
( ) [ ] 7)
feel
more secure / less anxious - i.e. safer.
( ) [ ] 8) often feel heard, deeply understood, and accepted by a beloved and respected
adult partner.
( ) [ ]
9) gain the approval or acceptance of someone really important to me (other
than my partner);
(Who? __________________________ )
( ) [ ] 10)
rescue an appealing, deserving, or wounded adult and/or child/ren.
...and
I want to co-commit to this person to...
Me / You
( ) [ ] 11) live with a beloved adult I can freely give to, and be received by.
( ) [ ] 12)
live with an adult who consistently respects and validates me, and
helps me feel
good about my Self.
( ) [ ] 13)
(a) become more promotable at work, and/or to
(b) become
more acceptable to my kin, friends, neighbors, and/or my church community.
( ) [ ] 14) live with an adult I can often feel sexually
desired by, excited by, and satisfied with, without
guilt, shame, or anxiety.
( ) [ ] 15)
prove _____________________________ to somebody. (who?
_________________)
( ) [ ] 16)
often feel really known, appreciated, and enjoyed, by a beloved live-in
adult.
( ) [ ] 17)
avoid feeling old and unattractive, and to demonstrate my vigor and appeal.
( ) [ ] 18)
live with an interesting adult companion who often stimulates me intellectually,
emotion-
ally, spiritually, and physically, and expands my world.
( ) [ ] 19)
finally become "whole" and balanced.
( ) [ ] 20) fulfill God’s plan for me.
...and
I want to commit to this person to...
Me / You
( ) [ ] 21) end my boredom, and have an exciting adventure!
( ) [ ] 22)
live with a loving adult who (often) wants to comfort, accept, and support me when
I’m worried,
scared, discouraged, confused, or ashamed.
( ) [ ] 23) live with an adult who steadily wants to encourage me to grow freely as a unique
person with
special, valuable abilities, and to help them do the same.
( ) [ ] 24)
feel consistently needed by, and useful and impactful (important) to, a beloved,
special adult
I live with.
( ) [ ] 25) "instantly" gain the family I (and/or you) have always needed and longed
for.
( ) [ ] 26)
get revenge on someone who has really wounded and mistreated me, you, or a
key loved-one.
( ) [ ] 27)
finally end or avoid the stressful singles / dating scene.
( ) [ ] 28) finally end my (your) loneliness.
( ) [ ] 29)
avoid the emptiness and hassle of living alone.
( ) [ ] 30)
gain the resources to move away from here (or to ________________ ).
...and
I want to commit to this person to...
Me / You
( ) [ ] 31)
lower or end my (your) major financial or emotional anxieties or fears.
( ) [ ] 32)
avoid God’s wrath, and end my (your) shame from living sinfully.
( ) [ ] 33)
"do the right thing" because of our unplanned child conception.
( ) [ ] 34)
get a parent, child, ex mate, or other key person off my (your) back.
( ) [ ] 35)
give a deprived child two loving co-parents and a nurturing home.
( ) [ ] 36)
give a needy minor child a(nother) good adult role-model.
( ) [ ] 37)
move into a better / safer home and/or neighborhood.
( ) [ ] 38)
end courtship commuting and phone-calling expense and hassles.
( ) [ ] 39)
end the frustration from our approach-avoid relationship, once and for all.
( ) [ ] 40)
make up for all the pain I’ve (you’ve) endured.
( ) [ ] 41)
relieve my kid/s (and/or others) from worrying about me.
( ) [ ] 42)
(any other reasons for committing to your mate...)
+ + +
Breathe well, and note your feelings and thoughts now without
judgment. Pay special attention to sources of discomfort or
"numbness": they're key signposts... Consider
about
what's going on inside you now. Option: review your results at a later
time to see if your
answers change. Did you know of all these possible conscious and unconscious needs
("motivations") that shape the choice to commit or re/marry?
Use this worksheet to raise your
awareness, not as an absolute reference. Tailor it as needed to best fit
you and your situation. These
wise-choice worksheets are not
meant to replace your common sense, or your getting
where appropriate.
Right
now, I feel ....
and I
to....
"Scoring"
This Worksheet
Premise:
each reason above
which includes italicized phrases is often an unwise primary
reason to commit. Review where you put your "P"s or
"1"s, and where you guesstimated your partner’s "P's,"
and note any
pattern that emerges: Note also that these are all conscious reasons you're
considering spousal commitment. There are probably other reasons you're not yet aware of.
Of all ___ items that I marked as "P" or
"1" for me, ___ had
no italics. Divide the second number by the
first, and multiply by 100. Enter the result below:
I estimate that __ % of my
conscious
primary reasons for committing to this person and form a multi-home stepfamily
now favor long-term partnership and stepfamily success.
Of all the ____ items I marked as "P" (or
"1") for my partner, ___ had
no italics. Divide the second number
by the first, and multiply by 100. Enter the result below:
I estimate that ____ % of my
partner’s conscious primary reasons for committing to me and
form or join a multi-home stepfamily now favor long-term
partnership and stepfamily
success.
If either of you
have 50% or more italicized "P" or "1" commitment reasons,
seriously reconsiderwhy you want to commit to
the other person and form or join a complex, high-risk
now.
You and your partner are
probably each enduring false-self
and are in normal protective
denial of
that.
If so, without a period of true
(vs. pseudo) personal
before pledging your
commitments,
you and
any dependent kids are likely to
re/divorce psychologically or legally. Recall Dr. Hendrix’s
seasoned opinion that the
main reasons we
choose to marry each other are unconscious.
| If that’s
true, then the items you just "scored" may not be the real reasons
you’re drawn to each other.
The key is whether your
filled out the worksheet or "someone else" did.
To guard against probable
re/divorce, I urge you two to study and discuss this free online
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Next - explore
these other courtship worksheets if you haven't yet: ...
After discussing all four worksheets,
if you
partners decide you're ready enough, set the date, and
celebrate!
When you come back from your honeymoon (if any),
keep working at this self-improvement
for long-term success.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this worksheet. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
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Updated
November 18, 2011
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