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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. This series extends
the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
qualified
professional help.
The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bio-parents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Typical stepfamily weddings are much
more complicated than first-marriage ceremoniesThis is partly because they involve (a)
one or more kids from a prior union, and (b)
three or more
sets of relatives and friends, including one or more ex mates. It's
also be-
cause (c) there are
no well-established social norms to guide couples (or clergy) on resolving
uncertainties about who to include, and how.
This article
explores
courtship preparation, re/wedding
planning,
problem-solving
tips, honeymoon considerations, and useful re/wedding
resources. It does not
focusonetiquette,
clothing, music, toasts. pictures, or menus. This article is for co-parent couples
and adult stepchildren who want a satisfying public-commitment ceremony.
The ideas below will make more
sense if you first read...
So you're getting re/married?!Probably for
the first (and only?) time, all your available stepfamily relatives and other
well-wishers will convene. You want this to be a
happy experience for all of you, including the kids. You want your ceremony and
celebration to be emotionally and socially successful - a truly joyous,
uplifting
celebration of your commitment to each other and your child/ren.
Unlike first-time weddings, a high majority of American stepfamily nuptials follow the
divorce of
one or both new mates. Others follow a prior mate's death. For many reasons,
this makes planning and attending a co-parent wedding "challenging."
To understand why and what your options are, let's first explore...
What's
a "Successful" Wedding?
The English verb "to wed" comes to us across the centuries from the old root
weddian, meaning "pledge." Why do you suppose all societies have wedding ceremonies? Apparently
we humans have primal needs which foster this global custom in
all eras and cultures. This suggests that
a "successful"
ceremony will fill everyone's needs "well enough." What
needs?
societal needs for
healthy citizens (e.g. blood tests), well-nurtured children raised by
capable adults (vs. teen parents), and for "law and order;" plus...
family-members'
needs for dignity, respect, role-clarity, and publicly acknowledging a major
shift in family roles, titles, names. and status; plus...
the couples' needs
to publicly declare their commitment and love, formally
accept the roles of committed partners; and to experience the support of friends and family in starting their life together;
plus...
spiritual
people's needs
to sanctify the sacred union of two loving people in the presence
of God and community; and...
friends' and well-wishers'
needs to demonstrate their support for the couple and to re-affirm
the profound specialness of a primary-relationship commitment.
The
adults and kids
whose lives are
affected by a re/wedding ceremony share basic
needs
for
respect; dignity; acceptance and inclusion; physical and emotional comfort and
security;
companionship; and clear wedding and group roles, boundaries, and expectations.
It's inevitable that some of
these many needs will conflict a little or a lot.
Re/weddings
Are More Complex!
Compared to first-time weddings, all these needs are often harder to fill
"well enough" in typical encore nuptials because...
Partners
have to consider the needs and feelings of (a) one or more minor or grown kids,
(b) the child/ren's other bioparent/s and any stepparent/s and
stepsiblings, and
(c) all their genetic and legal
relatives; and...
Average American re/marriers are
more likely to have opposing religious backgrounds and
preferences, wider age differences, and
different races and cultures. All
these can promote complex
values conflicts
between
the couple and/or their relatives; and...
Romantic love and
widespreaddivorce are relatively new social phenomena in America,
because of improved health, longevity, and women's rights, and religious
liberalization. One result is that there aren't any
well-accepted social norms and traditions to guide stepfamily wedding and reception planners. That's
compounded by over
a dozen alien new stepfamilyroles
(step-uncle, step-cousin, ex
father-in-law...) that adults and kids aren't used to.
Together, these
generate more social uncertainty and confusions in deciding "How are
you and I supposed
to behave at this celebration?"; also...
Traditional wedding
ceremonies involve vows - solemn personal pledges
of love and primal commitment "in the sight of God and this
company." A reality in most re/weddings is that
for one or both partners, their former vows were "broken" by one
or both prior mates. This may cause partners to feel that vowing "'Til death do us part"
isn't real.
From painful experience, some divorced brides or grooms may need to vow
something like "I'll
love you as long as I can" to acknowledge reality. This can
cause significant discomfort in traditional well-wishers, and sets a
"non-traditional" example for observing kids;
A sixth major nuptial
difference the second time around is...
The emotional mosaic of all people involved in a stepfamily
commitment ceremony and reception
is "richer" - i.e. there are usually more concurrent,
conflictual emotions and needs among more present and absent people. This mosaic is
affected by...
how recent and how traumatic prior divorces or
mate-deaths were, and how well everyone has
grieved
their losses;
how key relatives and most
guests feel about divorce, kids, and re/marriage - in general, and
in their families; and...
whether an
affair and/or a
child-conception brought you two together, and how other people feel about
that.
For reasons like these, the odds of significant
internal
and social
confusions and conflicts over (a) the
new couple's relationship and (b) the nuptial celebration are higher in a typical
stepfamily re/wedding. Who's invited to special
meals and parties, the ceremony, and reception -
and who accepts or declines -
hilight who supports the re/marriers and their families and who
doesn't. The
presence or absence of a stepchild's other bioparent and
relatives, and any new stepparent and stepkids, is a powerful statement
about stepfamily
membership
and allegiances. The
odds of major hurt,
resentment, and hostility from re/wedding rejection and exclusion
(or inclusion!) are
usually significant.
The special nature of the
nuptial ceremony and reception inevitably focuses adults' and kids' on
emotionally-charged prior weddings,
baptisms and family gatherings, spousal separations, and divorces or
funerals. This can stir up unexpected mixes of old
shame and guilts,
hurts, disappointments,
angers, sadness, and regrets.
Another reason re/wedding's
emotional climates are often "richer" is that the chance for
repressed
or fresh
grief to erupt around the ceremony is high, for many
reasons. Stepfamily re/marriage implacably affirms the painful
reality of prior
losses from divorce or death, and causes
new losses
(broken bonds) for the adults and kids involved.
Feeling intense warmth and joy and sadness or despair
at the same time often signals
false-self
control. This
can amplify wedding guests' impulsive
behavior - e.g. drinking too much, crying, fighting, sexual acting out,
confronting, and withdrawing. Divorce and re/marriage are clues that
co-parents and mates
carry significant psychological
wounds.
These are six typical reasons why people feel and need more
things at average stepfamily showers, weddings, and receptions, and why they
have a harder time getting enough needs met in acceptable ways. So you partners and your key supporters do well to discuss...
Whose Wedding Needs Come First
- and Last?
In planning your wedding, you partners will probably encounter
four
concurrent conflicts which will recur and test your
relationship for years. They are disputes inside you and between you over (a)
personal and co-parenting
values
and
priorities,
(b) family
loyalties,
(c) stepfamily
identity,
and (d) stepfamily
membership
(inclusion).
In resolving complex stepfamily priority conflicts, I propose that your odds of long-range re/marital success rise steeply if you
partners each agree without
reservation to
usually put...
Your personal integrity and
wholistic health first, without
undue guilt or anxiety. This
includes commitment to personal
recovery
from any false-self wounds;
Put your primary relationship solidly
second, and then...
Put everyone else's short-term needs third
- including your kids, except in clear emergencies.
How does that feel? If either of you partners is a
shame-
based
Grown Wounded Child
who's used to automatically
pleasing others
to gain acceptance and approval, this priority scheme will be alien and
uncomfortable.
This is your wedding, not your mother's, uncle's, daughter's,
brother's, ex mate's, "the Baptists," or "society's"! If
an inner voice answers "I know, but...," caution - that's
probably not your
true Self
(capital "S"). Option: read about
Lesson 1, and then thoughtfully fill out this self-evaluation
worksheet
to get a sense of whether your and/or your partner's
false self is co-planning your wedding.
For perspective, edit this sample Bill of Personal Rights to fit
each of you. Then apply your
rights to unraveling and resolving your significant wedding conflicts. For each
nuptial-planning dispute you two teammates encounter, help each other
negotiate...
"What option is
best for my dignity, serenity, and self-worth here?; then...
"What
wedding option is best for yours?"; then...
"What option seems best for the
long-term health of our relationship?", and then...
"What's best for our other key
people, starting with the kids?"
If you both agree you can fill everyone's wedding needs well enough, great! If you
believe you can't, this long-term priority scheme offers a way to tie-break. How does this
ranking
scheme compare to how you each are used to making emotionally-complex
decisions? Have you ever discussed that?
Whatever the details,
your commitment rites will confront you with
some uncomfortable choices about "What wedding options best fill the
needs of 'our other key people'?"Which people, and how do you
prioritize their needs with minimal anxiety?
First marriages traditionally rank the wedding needs of bride's and groom's parents
and grandparents high on the priority scale. Stepfamily re/marriages add
kids' needs and their other parents' (and relatives') needs to the
mix. Have you two tried to sort that out yet?
Notice what your and your partner's dominant
subselves ("inner voices") are saying now. They may proclaim something like "No way - my (or the) children come first!" If so, consider two key
points:
From my 29 years'
professional experience with hundreds of typical stepfamilies:
If either of you feels "My kids' needs come first with me compared to
my partner's needs," RED LIGHT! Expect increasing re/marital stress
and probably eventual re/divorce. If you don't believe this opinion,
reality-check it with the nearest re/divorced co-parent. There
are millions of us.
Secondly: Here's the benefit to putting your and your co-parenting ex-mate's wedding
needs higher than your kids' needs, when you can't find a compromise:
Your
kids' other bioparent/s and any new mates existence, behaviors,
and needs will powerfully affect all your stepfamily relationships for
decades - whether
you love-birds want that or not. Their impacts will be genetic,
psychological, legal, social, and financial. This may be true
even if the other co-parent/s
aren't active
caregivers now.
How much stress you
and your kids feel from this implacable reality
will be proportional to how respectedyour ex mates and
their new mates (if any) feel
by you partners, and how much they trust you two in co-parenting
matters.
To achieve stable
independence, your minor kids need you
three or more
adults to want to build co-parenting
teamwork
for all your sakes. If your re/wedding
increases co-parenting
barriers,
that
inexorably lowers the
nurturance level
of your multi-home stepfamily. That
hinders your kids' development, and puts
you all at risk of eventual psychological or legal
re/divorce.
The moral: think long range, and put your kids' current
(short term) needs second to their long-range needs for
cooperative caregiving from all you family adults. The best
option is to compromise among all your needs. You'll probably need to rank and compromise
issues like these...
How should we word our wedding
announcement (i.e. who's announcing the re/marriage and giving away
the bride?)
Who shall we invite to
(a) our wedding
and (b) the reception?
Who will walk the bride down
the aisle?
How shall we include the child/ren in the
ceremony?
How shall we compose our vows,
and whom shall we include in them?
Who will toast whom, for what?
Who sits where in the church?
Who gets included in the
reception line, in what order, and in the wedding pictures?
Who sits where, and with whom,
at the wedding dinner (if any)?; and...
Who pays for what wedding
expenses?
Most first-marriers have these decisions
too, but with many fewer people and conflicts in making
them!
The main points so far are...
Successful
weddings fill "enough" of the couple's + relatives' + kids' +
friends'
needs. You partners are the key judges of
whose needs, what
needs, and what qualifies as "enough." Other people will have different
opinions.
Typical stepfamily re/weddings
are significantly more complex than traditional
first weddings, so nuptial successtakes significantly more awareness,
planning, and negotiation; and...
Where compromises can't be
found for inevitable disputes over values, loyalties (priorities), stepfamily identity, and
membership, (a) choose a long-range view, and (b) put...
your respective personal
dignities, integrities, serenity, wholistic health, and needs
first,
your
primary
relationship second;
your other co-parents'
needs third, and...
everyone else's needs last,
starting with your kids' needs.
If you partners can genuinely adopt and act on this priority scheme with
empathy, humor, and respect, your adults and kids will
harvest the value of it for years to come. Restated:
in resolving re/wedding
conflicts, accept your
identity
as a stepfamily
and what that
means,
and rank your long-term
nuclear-stepfamily
harmony higher than
your short-term wedding satisfactions.
Prepare to Plan
Because of your stepfamily re/wedding's complexity, thorough planning
is more important than in first nuptials. Here are
nine ways you can
prepare to plan your wedding effectively, starting in courtship...
1) Make
major progress together on self-study
Lessons 1-7 before deciding to commit. Each
of you invest time and energy in
answering these key
questions
honestly. Ignoring
this suggests well-meaning
false selves
are making your key decisions. That risks your re/wedding
vows and dreams going unfulfilled over future years.
If you partners take months
to work at these seven courtship Projects together, your key stepfamily adults will have...
assessed themselves and each other honestly for
significant false-self
wounds, and learned
(a) what to
do about them, and
(b)
where
to get
qualified help;
and they will have...
discussed what
it takes to build a
high-nurturance
family; and...
accepted your
identity
as a multi-generational
stepfamily
and what that
means;
and...
mapped
your stepfamily, and resolved key
membership
(inclusion) disputes; and...
intentionally changed stepfamily
myths
into realistic expectations
together; and...
learned the seven
problem-solving skills and begun teaching and modeling them to each other, kids,
and relatives; and your key family adults will have...
assess
yourselves
and each child for
frozen grief,
and begun
thawing
any you found; and
you will have helped each other to...
The Web address of this
four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/date/wedding.htm
What's
a "Successful" Wedding?
1)
