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- evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily |
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Courtship Worksheet
Am I Committing to
the Right
People?
- part 2
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Expert Council
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 The Web address of this
worksheet is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/date/people.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit, ad-free Web site.
This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a
stepfamily.
The series is based on my
33-years'
experience as a stepfamily therapist. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. " Co-parents" means both
bioparents in a
family, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
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My clinical experience suggests that
cause
typical Americans to
pick the wrong
to commit to, at the
wrong
for the wrong
It's widely estimated that over
half of such couples with prior kids (stepfamilies) eventually re/divorce psychologically or
legally. |
This worksheet extends right-partner traits for all courting couples by
proposing (a) traits if either partner has kids from a prior union, and (b)
traits of the right co-parents and stepkids to commit to.
This
worksheet assumes you're familiar with...
 Directions
 Check to
see who's
your
If it's a well-meaning
expect your results here to be
To
empower your true Self to guide you, see these
Print the
first part of this
worksheet and fill it out. When you finish, take a break if you need one.
Then print
these two pages, and take ~30" of undistracted time to fill them
out. .
Invite your
partner to fill out both parts of this worksheet alone. When you're
both done, each of you
fill out the related right-time and right-reasons worksheets.
Then compare and discuss your findings together
Check a trait as "true"
("__") only if you can check all sub-parts ("_"). The more items you
check as "true," the higher the odds you're committing to
the right stepfamily partner, co-parents, and stepkids. If you don't respond to these items
honestly, you risk hurting yourself, your partner, and any dependent kids.
Options:
your thoughts and feelings as you
fill out both parts of this
worksheet. Star or
highlight any items you want to learn more about or discuss.
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A) Am
I Committing to the Right Partner? Part 2 of 2
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Note - most links below will open an informational popup. If any open
a new window, scan that page and return here. "S/He" means "She or He."
Numbering continues from part-1 items
__ 29)
S/He acknowledges that if we co-commit, _ we will be forming or joining
a multi-home
so _ we must learn how to manage these
together to guard against potential re/divorce.
__ 30) S/He
has begun studying and discussing
with me, and _ s/he is self-motivated to learn and discuss...
_ typical
stepfamily facts,
myths,
realities, and common
_ minor kids'
developmental and
family-adjustment needs, and _ how to
assess kids' status with them;.
_
requisites for effective
parenting, and _ how stepparenting
compares to traditional bioparenting;
_ how to
recognize and manage loyalty,
vales, and family-membership conflicts and divisive relationship
triangles;
_ how to
recognize and reduce common
with co-parenting ex mates and problematic relatives;
_ pros and cons
of _ "ours-child" conception and _
legal stepchild adoption; and...
_ why and how to
maintain a high-nurturance
(functional) stepfamily.
__ 31) S/He
agrees without ambivalence or major guilt that in significant conflicts,
her/his integrity will come first, our relationship will come second, and
all else will come third, except in emergencies.
If your partner is not a parent,
skip to #39.
If
Your Partner Has Kids
__
32) S/He has no major relationship or legal
with the kids' _ other bioparent/s or _ relatives;
__ 33)
S/He _ has clearly
with each child and _ consistently demonstrates unconditional
and affection for them;
__
34) S/He _ has a realistic idea of
and _ is a consistently-effective parent, in my opinion. That includes
knowing how to...
_
communicate effectively with kids and
teens; and how to...
_ set and
enforce appropriate boundaries (discipline)
without undue guilt or anxiety; and...
_
spot and resolve vales and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles,
and how to _ teach her/his kids and relatives how to do this.
__
35) S/He and I generally agree on _ what my stepparenting
should be, including _ how and when I should provide discipline for each
stepchild.
__
36) S/He consistently _ balances her/his own needs and
those of her/his kids; and s/he _ maintains healthy boundaries
with each child;
__
37) S/He has a stable, nourishing relationship with each of her
kids' grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
__ 38) S/He is
intentionally working to protect her kids from inheriting the [wounds +
unawareness]
If
I Have Kids
__
39) S/He is comfortable being around children and teens in
general, and mine in particular.
__
40) S/He is _ comfortable with the way I parent, including
the way I discipline my child/ren; or _ s/he knows how to
manage any significant
with me.
__
41) S/He respects my needs to have some alone times with my
child/ren, and _ seeks to balance our adult time and my parent-child time.
__
42) S/He and my kids' grandparents and other relatives _ are
getting to know each other, and _ they all get along well enough;
__
43) S/He has studied these Q&A articles on
stepparenting and
stepkids, and has discussed them thoroughly
with me.
__
44) S/He and I have begun to _ define her
as a stepparent and _ to discuss these with relevant adults and kids.
+ + +
As I finish this second
part of the right-partner worksheet, I feel...
_ calm and relaxed;
_ that
my
answered each of these items thoughtfully and
honestly; and that...
_
I have no major anxiety or reservations about
discussing my answers here with
my partner and selected others.
+ + +
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B)
Am I Committing to the Right Co-parents?
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Many
stepfamilies experience conflictual relations among ex mates and/or with
their new partner ("the other
stepparent"). This section of the right-people worksheet provides a way
to identify significant problems among up to four other co-parents beside
your partner.
Directions
If either of you partners balk at including
each of your
stepkids' other bioparents and any new partners of theirs in your
stepfamily, discuss
this.
Check to
see who's
your
If it's a well-meaning
your results here may be distorted. To
empower your true Self to guide you, see these
Print this worksheet and put initials or
a name in each open column below for an ex-mate’s new partner, if any.
Don’t check a main item as
true unless all "_" subparts are checked.
Use "?" if you’re
unsure. Fudging your answers here puts you and any
minor kids at risk of future heartache and painful re/divorce
trauma.
If any item is inappropriate, skip it or mark it "N/A"
Fill this checklist out by yourself
to avoid your partner's presence biasing your answers. When you've both filled out
copies, then compare and discuss your results honestly after you
each have read the boxed articles above.
To guard against your answering what you
want rather then what is,
consider using knowledgeable, unbiased help in reality-checking
your assessments below
Check each co-parent who fits each item.
My Ex |
___ |
Your Ex |
___ |
Right-co-parent Traits |
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1) S/He _ understands the lethal [wounds +
unawareness]
and _ is open to discussing if and how it affects us all. |
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2)
S/He has begun studying
or 8 in this Web site, and _ is open to discussing them with me/us as a
parenting partner. |
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3) S/He is _ now
willing to clearly
whether s/he
has significant psycho-logical
from a
childhood. If s/he has
already evaluated this, _ I solidly
agree with her/his conclusion. |
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4) If I think s/he is
significantly wounded, _ s/he is
clearly in a self-motivated
program now
that I trust is effective enough; or if not recovering yet,
_ s/he’s
willing to talk openly and seriously about
wound-reduction with me/us. |
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5) S/He now clearly
that _ if my partner and I commit, we’ll
all form or expand a multi-home
together
which will be
_ very different from a typical one-home intact biofamily. |
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6) S/He clearly accepts
now that it’s in our minor kids’ best interest that all of the adults in our
kids'
related homes co-operate as a
team on
most child-care matters. |
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7) S/He
_ wants to learn about
the 60+ major differences between typical
stepfamilies and intact biofamilies and _ has begun doing so;
or
_ s/he says s/he will, soon enough for me. |
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8) S/He seems to be
independent enough emotionally and financially from her or his parents and
other key kin. |
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9) S/He
wants to learn about healthy grieving by studying and discussing
with us all. |
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10) S/He
_ seems to have mourned the
(broken bonds) from any former breakups and family endings well
enough, and _ clearly seems to be motiva-ted to
move on with life. |
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11) His/Her
relationship with each minor and grown child in our stepfamily seems balanced
enough _ to me _ and my partner -
i.e. s/he's neither emotionally
nor too distant and
"indifferent." |
My Ex |
___ |
Your Ex |
___ |
Right-co-parent Traits |
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12) S/He seems content
enough now with current _ child custody,
_ visitation, and _ financial
support arrangements, including insurance, taxes, and wills, for each of the
kids in our stepfamily. |
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13) It seems highly unlikely now
that _ s/he would
legally sue us for changes in any of these, or that _ we would ever have to sue her/him. |
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14) S/He_
understands the
30+ special adjustment
needs that aver-age minor
stepkids must fill, or _ s/he is clearly
self-motivated to learn about them now. |
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15) I really trust that s/he’ll
help us assess each of our minor and
grown kids, to learn where they need our help filling their developmental and family
adjustment needs. |
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16)
S/He
_ clearly understands the
difference between fighting, avoiding, or arguing, and win-win
and
_ s/he seems self-motivated to do the latter with us when we
adults conflict on co-parenting
matters. |
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17) S/He is (or they are)
clearly and consistently
of their home, vs. strong-willed kids, kin,
ancestors, or
others. |
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18) I generally respect her/his
parenting _ values,
_
goals, _ judgment, and
_
behavior, and
_ I feel s/he usually respects mine enough. |
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19) I trust that _ s/he is not
currently
to
_ a substance
(including food, nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, prescription drugs, and street drugs);
_ an activity (including
work; working out; worship; a hobby; earning, spending, or saving money; etc.) or
_ a
(including a parent, a child, or ex mate); or
_
that
s/he’s solidly
committed to a self-motivated addiction-control program that seems effective enough to me
now. |
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20)
S/He _ knows what
and
conflicts and relationship
are, and _ what to do about each of them. |
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21) I’m comfortable enough with the _ frequency
and the _ ways s/he
and my partner communicate and relate now. |
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22) S/He seems
open enough to evolving a clear division of child-care
among all of us co-parents. |
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23) S/he’s
seems comfortable enough with my providing part-time or full-time discipline, guidance, and support for
our
minor and grown stepchildren. |
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24) I fully
trust
this person to be honest and direct in all verbal and written co-parenting
communications with _ me, _ us, _ related kin, _ all our stepfamily children,
and _ any key supporters. |
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25) S/He seems
open enough to _ all of us
adults evolving an effective
for our
and to
_
use it with us to help make healthy long-range stepfamily decisions. |
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26) I’m usually
comfortable enough with each of our minor and grown kids’
relationships with this person now. |
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27) Overall,
I feel s/he
is an (vs. a liability, big problem, or stressor) to our multi-home stepfamily now. |
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28) As I finish this
courtship-inventory section, I am _ calm
and relaxed and I’m
_ genuinely looking forward to discussing my answers with my partner and key others in our stepfamily. I _ feel my
filled out this
worksheet. |
Pause and notice what you're thinking and feeling now. If you just
identified significant problems among any of you co-parents, see this
perspective, and
this and
this for options.
 Finish
this three-part courtship worksheet by
reviewing
traits of the right stepkids to commit to.
Revised
22/05/13
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